Double Blind 2 - the poems and critiques only

[GuiltyPleasure]

I'm not familiar with the details of Jehovah's Witnesses but do they worship in temples? That might account for the capitalized 'Witness" also "Minister" as opposed to "father", "pastor" etc.....

 

[Lyricalli]

If I'm not mistaken, though, it's a New Testament allusion to Christ driving the money changers from the temple and overturning their tables. That, and the familiar expression of "turning the tables on someone," mixed together and used playfully in a serious context.

That was my impression of it, too, though I'm not sure I'd refer to its use as playful within the context of this poem.

I'm not familiar with the details of Jehovah's Witnesses but do they worship in temples? That might account for the capitalized 'Witness" also "Minister" as opposed to "father", "pastor" etc.....

I think any building used for worship can generally be called a temple, though Jehovah's Witnesses use the term 'Kingdom Hall' for their place of worship. I looked it up out of curiosity.

 

[legerdemer]

# 4. Absent Like My Heart

Will you take my words,
listen as they flow to flood
this silence
once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you
the way I gave my heart:
recklessly, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

Carry it all away when you go;
there's no use for it here
in this lonely room, and I want
it gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Will you take my words,
listen as they flow to flood
this silence
once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you
the way I gave my heart:
recklessly, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

Carry it all away when you go;
there's no use for it here
in this lonely room, and I want
it gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

listen as they flow to flood
this silence

I would prefer the line break after "flow" --- this seems jangly.

once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

I like "rumble."

before this space is empty, I like this -- it provokes the imagination.

recklessly, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

Brought to you by the department of redundancy department.

The final line of the poem seems a little awkward and overly chiding. I would end with "I want it gone," which is punchy and says all that need be said, IMO.

 

[Magnetron]

Will you take my words,
listen as they flow to flood
this silence
once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

If you aren't going to make him or her eat those words, we can already assume they will be taken in through the ear canals.

Flood is enough to associate with water ( but ignore this suggestion if you are rhyming flow with though go & no later on.

I say, any time you can purge unimportant words like of the with etc go for it.

Will you take my words,
as they flood this silence
once filled with rumbles
of your laughter?

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you
the way I gave my heart:
recklessly, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

It's just an alternative.

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you
the way I recklessly
gave my heart, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

Carry it all away when you go;
there's no use for it here
in this lonely room, and I want
it gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

If we are referring to the "words", let's not refer to them as it so many times.

Carry this all away when you go;
there's no use for it here
in this lonely room, and I want
them gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

There's really not much room for improvement. It's more what I would do if I were in the writer's shoes than actual criticism.

 

[greenmountaineer]

This is a lovely poem. I have one "yes, but."

"Heart" is perhaps the most frequently used metaphor in a love poem. That it's used 3 times in this short poem made it overly melancholic for me. Alluding to the 2nd mention of the heart in the middle stanza could work (my chest is empty; a poor example perhaps, but it makes the point). AH's suggestion for the poem's conclusion can work too. I suggest the poet consider "Absent" as the title. I think that then "As absent as you/and what had my heart." can work, but I'd still allude to the heart in the middle stanza.

 

[bflagsst]

This is a lovely poem. I have one "yes, but."

"Heart" is perhaps the most frequently used metaphor in a love poem. That it's used 3 times in this short poem made it overly melancholic for me. Alluding to the 2nd mention of the heart in the middle stanza could work (my chest is empty; a poor example perhaps, but it makes the point). AH's suggestion for the poem's conclusion can work too. I suggest the poet consider "Absent" as the title. I think that then "As absent as you/and what had my heart." can work, but I'd still allude to the heart in the middle stanza.

All that most maddens and torments;
all that stirs up the lees of things;
all truth with malice in it;
all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain;
all the subtle demonisms of life and thought;
all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made
practically assailable in Moby Dick.

He piled upon the whale’s white hump
the sum of all the general rage and hate
felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then,
as if his chest had been a mortar,
he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it.

 

[greenmountaineer]

All that most maddens and torments;
all that stirs up the lees of things;
all truth with malice in it;
all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain;
all the subtle demonisms of life and thought;
all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made
practically assailable in Moby Dick.

He piled upon the whale’s white hump
the sum of all the general rage and hate
felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then,
as if his chest had been a mortar,
he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it.

bflagsst,

This wonderful poem says more about the heart than my comment did. Thanks for sharing. I hope the poet of "Absent..." considers its magic.

 

[legerdemer]

Will you take my words,
listen as they flow to flood
this silence
once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you
the way I gave my heart:
recklessly, as though
consequence doesn't matter.

Carry it all away when you go;
there's no use for it here
in this lonely room, and I want
it gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

Will you take my words,
listen as they flood
this silence
once filled with the rumble
of your laughter?

Allow me,
before this space is empty,
to give them up to you,
recklessly,
the way I gave my heart. I suggest .... the way I gave myself.

Carry them all away when you go;
there's no use for them here
in this lonely room, and I want
them gone. As absent as you,
and what had been my heart.

There were so few changes that it was easier to put them in, show what it would look like - for my own benefit as well.

I echoed some previous suggestions. If you substitute 'my heart' in S2 with 'myself,' 'heart' in the last stanza gains power, I think.

Note that I changed three instances of 'it' to 'them' - in the previous stanzas I think you're always referring to words, and so... (my apologies, my grammar Nazi just reared its ugly head).

I really like this poem - I think it is extremely effective and moving.

 

[ishtat]

Well, that's disturbing. I like the way the poem kept me on edge, struggling to figure out what was going on, until finally I got the point with the "little lamb" reference. I'm not sure what to make of the "choker chained" reference; unfortunately, it brings to mind the fashions of the 1960s, but then, I'm old.

Could the 'choker chained' be a sort of metaphor of the dog collar of the priest representing the weight of priestly authority/condemnation. Long shot perhaps.

 

[ishtat]

A sunken belly revelation
Mockery within the flock
Minister Ryan reaching into his robe
retrieving his mighty righteous
condemnation

In the houses of the holy
salvation awaits even the lowly rapist
Grit my teeth
clench my fist
His sinister actions
my consequence

Let peoples across the nation
under steeples praise Jesus and rejoice
all the while I remain choker chained
larynx strained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in the houses of the holy
I am
now the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little silenced lamb
I refused to carry

Fucked over once again
Oh, how quickly temple tables turn
I spoiled your child
Don't spare me your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn

Standing on trial here today
in this Witness chair
on the Bible I do solemnly swear to
turn my back on God

I like this very much but would suggest a few titivations mainly to possibly improve the reading 'flow'

line 7 Salvation for my lowly rapist mebbe more personal & direct

line 9 fists plural

line12 let the people of the nation

line 13 Sing praise to Jesus and rejoice Steeples mebbe a bit redundant?

line 16 pained from my most painful choice 'difficult' 1 too many syllables?

line19 Blackened sheep of Holy Family targets the 'church family' possibly.

line 20 who only mourn for one silenced lamb All lambs are little

line 26 possibly you could omit Ryan , then mebbe not .

I would suggest omitting the whole of the last stanza for two reasons. Firstly lines 25 and 26 are very strong vehement even, a great ending. Secondly the whole poem is a rejection of their church, their God, to restate it weakens the ending.

I really enjoyed this powerful poem. Please feel free to treat all my suggestions with disdain. Thank you.

 

[Magnetron]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Had_a_Little_Lamb

line 20 who only mourn for one silenced lamb All lambs are little

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb ........ ooooooh ..... the plot thickens?

 

[Trixareforkids]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Had_a_Little_Lamb



Mary had a little lamb, little lamb ........ ooooooh ..... the plot thickens?

Lol, similar to what I was thinking. The "little" brings to mind Mary, holy Mary mother of god, only this time the not so immaculate conception was rejected...

 

[ishtat]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Had_a_Little_Lamb



Mary had a little lamb, little lamb ........ ooooooh ..... the plot thickens?

Never thought of that. Then there's Agnus Dei qui tollis pecatta mundi

Perhaps we need a good Catholic boy to put us back on the rails. GMT?

Or maybe we are just a tad over interpreting.

 

[legerdemer]

Someone is having way too much fun....

 

[legerdemer]

#5. Genevieve

Oh I remember those heady days,
fresh young blades up from Oxford
or Cambridge driving me, reckless,
through spring-green country lanes
with a girl and a hamper
full of food to be consumed later.

My origin is France, love is in my
very chassis so the perfection was not lost.
Time overtook my 1904 open style
and I lay, neglected in a hedge for years.
Rust chewed my chrome and the elements
dulled my paint, my leather seats rotted,
field mice made their home
in my dashboard.

It was a lonely time,
until a passing stroller found me
languishing there and pulled me
from obscurity. I was reborn,
cobbled from other decrepit Darracqs,
christened "Annie" and was ready to rally.

My fame wasn't halted there,
I starred in a film as "Genevieve"
and, as all stars are,
was buffed, primped and coddled.

Still I shine when called to race
but my true fame came
from comedy in the end.
Just call me Genevieve.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Just a notion -- if the author wants to be just a little mischievous, it could be changed to:

Oh I remember those heady days,
fresh young blades up from Oxford
or Cambridge driving me, reckless,
through spring-green country lanes
with a girl and a hamper full of food
to be consumed later.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Just a notion -- if the author wants to be just a little mischievous, .....

Mischief aside, I like your line. The original felt a bit clunky to me, perhaps because of all the hard sounding consonants, but I'm not sure.

More later on this delightful poem.

 

[HarryHill]

Oh I remember those heady days,
fresh young blades up from Oxford
or Cambridge driving me, reckless,
through spring-green country lanes
with a girl and a hamper
full of food to be consumed later.

Just a notion -- if the author wants to be just a little mischievous, it could be changed to:
[copy/paste]
Oh I remember those heady days,
fresh young blades up from Oxford
or Cambridge driving me, reckless,
through spring-green country lanes
with a girl and a hamper full of food
to be consumed later

[sarcastically] Oh, that's saucy now

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

[sarcastically] Oh, that's saucy now

You 'mericans - ketchup with every thing.

 

[legerdemer]

Just a notion -- if the author wants to be just a little mischievous, it could be changed to:

[sarcastically] Oh, that's saucy now

You 'mericans - ketchup with every thing.

No no, not ketchup! Hot sauce!

If it were me, I would switch the hamper and the girl. But more on that later.

 

[Magnetron]

#5

heady seems to be that Go-To word that's done been gone to too much. I'm tired of it. Just sayin'.

Replace the comma with a period in L7. Otherwise its all kinds of awkward.

Ditch L20. It conflicts with the title and the final line.




That's all I got at the moment until my fever clears.

 

[greenmountaineer]

#5

"those heady days...
fresh young blades...
driving me, reckless(I'd remove the comma; adds a little more play to the line, given the personification)..,
my origin is France, love is in my/very chassis....

Great lines.

These I didn't think these lines were necessary:

"In my dashboard." I'm not sure that adds much to the preceding line.

"Just call me Genevieve" felt repetitive, given S4L2, and as an ending line, "from comedy in the end." was stronger IMO.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

If it were me, I would switch the hamper and the girl. But more on that later.

I concur, switch the hamper and the girl. Especially if it were Mer.

 

[Magnetron]

I concur, switch the hamper and the girl. Especially if it were Mer.

Put Legs in the hamper.






It's the fever talking.