Double Blind 2 - the poems and critiques only

[legerdemer]

I really like this poem and the mood it evokes, almost like a 20s movie (not quite the same mood, but Chitty Chitty Bang Bang popped up; what a dork I am).

Oh I remember those heady days,
fresh young blades up from Oxford
or Cambridge driving me, reckless,
through spring-green country lanes
with a girl and a hamper
full of food to be consumed later.

My origin is France, love is in my
very chassis so the perfection was not lost.
Time overtook my 1904 open style
and I lay, neglected in a hedge for years.
Rust chewed my chrome and the elements
dulled my paint, my leather seats rotted,
field mice made their home
in my dashboard.

It was a lonely time,
until a passing stroller found me
languishing there and pulled me
from obscurity. I was reborn,
cobbled from other decrepit Darracqs,
christened "Annie" and was ready to rally.

My fame wasn't halted there,
I starred in a film as "Genevieve"
and, as all stars are,
was buffed, primped and coddled.

Still I shine when called to race
but my true fame came
from comedy in the end.
Just call me Genevieve.

Thinking about Mags' comment on 'heady', I think 'halcyon' would work as a good substitute and may fit at least as well or better. If the meter doesn't work, the line could change to

'Oh I recall those halcyon days'


In the next stanza and playing on France, I would be tempted to use l'amour for love - it would echo in chassis, which is an adopted French word anyway.

Grammar Nazi in me wants a comma after 'hedge'... in fact the comma in that same line is superfluous, so if too many commas are bothersome, I suggest after ledge is the more important one.

Some tweak suggestions for these:

Rust chewed my chrome, the elements
ate at my paint, my leather rotted, - sort of echoing paint soundwise, but also works nicely with 'chewed' earlier

field mice at home
in my dashboard.

In the next stanza, I would possibly delete the 'there' after languishing.

"My fame wasn't halted there" - seems awkward a bit to me, the wasn't halted part - I was trying to come up with something a bit more active, like 'My fame blossomed' but nothing came to mind that I was really happy with.

And "I still shine" or "I shine still" both sound just a tad better (to me, that is).

The poem evokes a mix of playfulness and wistfulness for days of glamour gone by in the poem that really appeals to me. It feels as if I'm watching one of the old B&W reel films with the scratchy soundtrack, with Brit aristos smiling at the camera in pleasted white skirts or white pants and boaters, or something along those lines. Or a picnic after punting on the Cam from a hamper full of... whatever...

And so I think the words in this one are really critical - if they are themselves a bit musty, underused, and dated but fun words nonetheless, they would contribute to the overall atmosphere of the poem.

And now I'm ready for a picnic myself, or at least a glass of champs.

 

[greenmountaineer]

In re Mer's comments above, I love her suggestion about "halcyon days." It fits the tenor of the time when "Genevieve" was manufactured. Although maybe it was some other poet, it made me think of Yeats.

 

[ishtat]

Sorry to be a be a wet blanket but chrome plating wasn't used much until the 1920's 30's Before that, it was generally nickel electro- plating. Chrome is often applied in the restoration of vintage cars but it's not really a genuine original material in most cases.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Sorry to be a be a wet blanket but chrome plating wasn't used much until the 1920's 30's Before that, it was generally nickel electro- plating. Chrome is often applied in the restoration of vintage cars but it's not really a genuine original material in most cases.

That's good feedback with an easy fix, ishtat, and I hope the poet sees it as that. As someone who's written a number of poems in a historical context, I have slipped on occasion.

 

[legerdemer]

#6. Untitled

tall branches sway in the
whispered swish
of a gentle breeze
blue skies and sunlight
skim amidst the scent
of pine sap
blinking lights flash as we run
leap and dash
between the echoes of
our own laughter

pine cone grenades
lobbed as we dive for cover
behind aged trunks
head toward the small stream

ankle deep we prospect for
fool's gold
search for marron in the mud
splashing the ice cold water
rainbows arc in the air
as if happiness has taken flight
and we are dancing

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through the shadows
creating ripples
as they devour mosquitoes

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but,
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
as you wear holes in the floor
the lone pine tree that sits
in full view
making a mockery
of the forest in your mind

My tears fall
and rainbows have die

 

[AlwaysHungry]

That's very vivid imagery.

 

[Magnetron]

#6. Untitled

tall branches sway
in the whispered swish of [a] gentle breeze
blue skies and sunlight
skim amidst the scent of pine sap

blinking lights flash as we run
leap and dash between
[the] echoes of our own laughter
pine cone grenades lobbed
[as] we dive for cover
behind aged trunks
head toward the small stream

ankle deep
we prospect for fool's gold
search for marron in the mud
splashing the ice cold water
rainbows arc in the air
as if happiness [has] taken flight
and we are dancing

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through [the] shadows
creating ripples
as they devour mosquitoes <- suggest devouring instead

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but,
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
as you wear holes in the floor

the lone pine tree
that sits in full view <- suggest sitting or something else like looming instead
making a mockery of the forest
in your mind

My tears fall
and rainbows have died




Words [bracketed] can be jettisoned.

Italicized words can be replaced.

I'm just guessing that the d at the very end was lost in Cut N Paste Hell.

I reconfigured the lines and spacing. I don't care much for fractured descriptions or thoughts.

I dislike lines that begin with "of". It is a weak, insignificant word to lead off with. I only recommend using it if you have an abnormally long description due to too many lengthy words.

Here, we have of a gentle breeze and of pine sap Would you still do this if these were reduced to their most basic statements: of a breeze or of sap ? Why are these worthy of an entire line? I would only put very few words in a line if I wanted them emphasized.

Here is an exception to my own Neurotical Control Freakage:

I have had enough!
of this

because the fracture creates more emphasis.

Spellcheck is telling me "marron" is misspelled.



This sounds like a very personal write. I don't mean to sound so harsh. But I'm also not really insisting upon any major changes. It is a great poem.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Spellcheck is telling me "marron" is misspelled.

Spellcheck is a doofus. I had to look it up, though.

 

[Magnetron]

Spellcheck is a doofus. I had to look it up, though.

You mean Spellcheck is a maroon when it comes to marron.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marron

Marron is a name given to two closely related species of crayfish (also known as yabbies) in Western Australia.

Silly Aussies.

Yabbies and Crabbies oh my.








p.s.

This is Todski's

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Watch out for bias in the strange, subterranean creatures who edit Wikipedia. It may even apply to Marrons.

 

[Magnetron]

Watch out for bias in the strange, subterranean creatures who edit Wikipedia. It may even apply to Marrons.

I think those are related to macaroons and maracas.

 

[Lyricalli]

I bolded everything I played with:


tall branches sway in the
whispered swish of gentle breezes
blue skies and sunlight
skim amidst the pine sap scent
blinking lights flash as we run
leap and dash
between echoes of
our own laughter

whispered swish of gentle breezes > Mag's suggestion to take out 'a' made me want to add an 's', and I liked the added sss that you have running through this section. Thinking about his opinion of the lines starting with 'of', I combined line 2 and 3, and I liked it.

skim amidst the pine sap scent > combined lines 5 & 6, removing the 'of'

between the echoes of > dropped 'the'
​

pine cone grenades lobbed
we dive for cover
behind aged trunks
escape toward the small stream

I rearranged lines 1 & 2, removing 'as', because it feels more active to me this way

With that same thought, and given the playful combative theme of this part, I wondered if 'escape' or a similar word might be better. 'Head' feels a little more leisurely to me.
​

ankle deep we prospect for
fool's gold
search for marron in the mud
splashing the ice cold water
rainbows arc in the air
happiness has taken flight
and we are dancing

happiness has taken flight > I dropped the 'as if', because it seems like, in that moment, happiness did take flight.
​

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through the shadows
creating ripples
devouring mosquitoes (agree with Mags on this one)

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but...
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
while you wear holes in the floor

the lone pine tree
looms in full view
making a mockery
of the forest in your mind

but... > instead of the comma for pause, I thought the trailing ellipsis worked better to transition from the memories to the present

while you wear holes in the floor > 'while' sounded better to me than 'as', with the words that are around it.

I agree with the line break Mag put in after 'floor', and really like the suggestion of a word like 'looming' which suits the mood of this section well. So, I added that idea to this edit, using 'looms'. Another alternative could be:

looming in full view
makes a mockery​

My tears fall
the rainbows have died

the rainbows have died > I think 'the' makes the last line stronger
​

 

[greenmountaineer]

tall branches sway in the
whispered swish
of a gentle breeze
blue skies and sunlight
skim amidst the scent
of pine sap
blinking lights flash as we run
leap and dash
between the echoes of
our own laughter

pine cone grenades
lobbed as we dive for cover
behind aged trunks
head toward the small stream

ankle deep we prospect for
fool's gold
search for marron in the mud
splashing the ice cold water
rainbows arc in the air
as if happiness has taken flight
and we are dancing

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through the shadows
creating ripples
as they devour mosquitoes

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but,
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
as you wear holes in the floor
the lone pine tree that sits
in full view
making a mockery
of the forest in your mind

My tears fall
and rainbows have die

As AH noted, the imagery is very vivid. After I read it, I began thinking about poems written with a strong emphasis of nostalgia, and how I find many of them over the top with melancholy. I didn't feel that way with this. I'm going to refer to 1201 again. He talked about the "turning" by which he meant how the poet drew the reader in, and then took him or her in a different direction. Until I got to the 4th stanza, I thought the poem was the forest equivalent of two young lovers "tip-toeing through the tulips." That it wasn't made the somber ending more dramatic.

I really liked this poem.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

"Turning" seems to be another name for irony. I depend on daily irony supplements to prevent hardening of the art-eries.

 

[legerdemer]

...

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through the shadows
creating ripples
as they devour mosquitoes

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but,
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
as you wear holes in the floor
the lone pine tree that sits
in full view
making a mockery
of the forest in your mind

My tears fall
and rainbows have die

Many others have made really good comments and suggestions on this one, so I will keep it brief. I also admire the imagery and the artful turn from childhood to musing on the narrator's parent (I think that's what it refers to, at least).

I'll comment with some trifling quibbles on a couple of things that I think others have not addressed:

- The first 5 stanzas all seem to be from the point of view of the two brothers playing, as children, and the language is mostly in keeping with their POV. In light of that, 'creating' (creating ripples) sticks out to me as not a word they would have used, and I would use something simpler, like 'making ripples'.

- In the next to the last stanza, I love the twist from the pine tree outside the window to the forest in the mind - that is just perfectly lovely.

Because of that, the last couplet needs to be extremely simple and powerful, to drive a stake in the reader's gut - it does already, but an even more direct phrasing I think would do it even more so.

My tears fall
as rainbows died ('and rainbows died' would also work fine).

See? Quibbles.

The poem's imagery is so effective - simple and subtle and just beautiful. I really like it.

 

[legerdemer]

#7 La Persistencia de la Memoria

María habla Español
I translate to English for Dr. Wu
who speaks into a dictaphone:
“Twitching and shrugging of Δ’s shoulders”

and as I start to speak some more,
two brown eyeballs fall to the floor
while Dr. Wu, in Mandarin thought,
isn't quite sure what he saw.

“Ay, mi Madre!” Tears flow like agua
drenching the carpet, “Por favor!"
Δ cries whose diagnosis
after a week in a lock-down ward

is a midnight red-eye Delta flight
that brought Δ down at dawn
to Newark to find only the letter
I read to a statue of Lao Tzu

as a mute Dr. Wu hands me a bottle
whose label I note any Δ can take
by mouth or insertion in the rectum
of two brown eyeballs that roll towards the door.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I've read it twice through, and I'm bewildered. I need a tour guide.

 

[HarryHill]

hmmnn

 

[Magnetron]

Whuuuut ?





There almost seems to be a missing stanza that should have appeared between Stanzas 3 and 4.

And even if we could read it, I doubt it would help me understand whatever the poem is supposedly conveying.

 

[legerdemer]

María habla Español
I translate to English for Dr. Wu
who speaks into a dictaphone:
“Twitching and shrugging of Δ’s shoulders”

and as I start to speak some more,
two brown eyeballs fall to the floor
while Dr. Wu, in Mandarin thought,
isn't quite sure what he saw.

“Ay, mi Madre!” Tears flow like agua
drenching the carpet, “Por favor!"
Δ cries whose diagnosis
after a week in a lock-down ward

is a midnight red-eye Delta flight
that brought Δ down at dawn
to Newark to find only the letter
I read to a statue of Lao Tzu

as a mute Dr. Wu hands me a bottle
whose label I note any Δ can take
by mouth or insertion in the rectum
of two brown eyeballs that roll towards the door.

This one is tough in a very interesting way. I have seen it before and remember it from when it was first posted. It feels like looking at an impressionist or pointilist painting - I get impressions of images and snippets of meaning that I have trouble putting together.

We have the patient Maria, who speaks Spanish, Doctor Wu and the translator who is the narrator. The patient is in deep distress, and is melting down in a puddle of tears (eyeballs fall to the floor, tears flow like aqua...). There is not much communication going on, however - mute Dr. Wu is not providing much comfort above pills that can be inserted like suppositories.

I am ambivalent about using the Greek symbol delta for the patient (is this medical shorthand? this symbol is used to denote 'change' in scientific notation, so it is a bit confusing here because there is no actual change taking place). But this is minor.

The statue of Lao Tzu is simply surreal, unless it denotes Dr. Wu's expression and cluelessness.

At one level, the poem is luring me into a puzzle I would like to understand and solve. On another level, I don't have enough pieces to do so.

However, I like the very precise language pointing bright light on very small events that are part of a much broader picture - the poem seems to be conveying a universal using extremely tightly focused specifics. I am not able to add more or make suggestions - I do agree with Mags that it needs to add a few more details to bring it home. (And I will go sneaking off to look at the original and compare the two.)

 

[AlwaysHungry]

There have been a spate of poems lately that reference pop music lyrics. Is "Dr Wu" intended to evoke the Steely Dan song? Is "Δ down at dawn" intended to evoke Tanya Tucker?

 

[Angeline]

I'm pretty much in the dark on this one, too, although I suppose the title--a reference to the Dali painting--is a clue that we're heading into surreal territory as well as a statement about the effect of memory on the patient. Delta could refer to the name of the airline as well as a river delta--a place where many deposits (tears?) are left.

I think maybe if I went back and listened to Dr. Wu, I might catch a better sense of the point of this poem, but I have a doc's appointment. Maybe mañana....

ETA: And maybe Maria is also called "Delta." That would open up the idea of her "midnight red eye flight" to not be an airplane flight. We know she is crying a lot...

Lol. I feel like I've stepped through the looking glass!

 

[greenmountaineer]

Angie's right. The title is the title of a Salvador Dali painting. I think it would have been better in English.

The delta abbreviation is confusing. It's supposed to refer to María. I looked it up in a medical dictionary of abbreviations. It means "anatomical change." I don't think there's been a change with María.

I do like how absurd the situation is that 3 people with different primary languages are trying to address a problem that's difficult even when there is only one language to spoken.

 

[Magnetron]

I found a more appropriate smiley to address my grasp of the poem.

 

[HarryHill]

I found a more appropriate smiley to address my grasp of the poem.

..
Heh!, this is not the first Dali inspired poem we've seen lately, but I cant say where exactly