feedback for these poems

[KillerMuffin]

The masses? Hate to break it to ya, bud bud, but the masses you disdain are the same people that buy the books that keep the publishing companies in business, those same publishing companies that you plan on having publish your work.

You really shouldn't look down when you can't even spell the word "like."

 

[Chardonnay]

Oh, KillerMuffin. Now you're just being mean. He's already got an audience of 30. What more does he need?

(De Sade, you should have mentioned that earlier!)

 

[KillerMuffin]

You're right, Chardonnay, the royalty checks alone will keep him single serving ketchup packets for a week.

 

[Chardonnay]

Mmm, ketchup soup!

 

[Guest]

The masses? Hate to break it to ya, bud bud, but the masses you disdain are the same people that buy the books that keep the publishing companies in business, those same publishing companies that you plan on having publish your work.

You really shouldn't look down when you can't even spell the word "like."

where did I spell that word wrong, hmmmm?
Oh no, more juvenile remarks from self proclaimed writing experts, whatever shall I do?
btw, I dont expect to be rich. You assume so much.
The masses are not always people who keep companies in business. Sometimes they are wannabe writers who criticize my material to make themselves feel big.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

maybe that is what the masses deserve?

I'm sure that the masses for which you have repeatedly shown so much contempt, would rather have a blank page than another story like the one you posted, even when it had an ending. (Why did you delete the ending and asked for help with finding one?)

then dont think too much about it. It is after all, fantasy erotica. Of course these events probably would never happen.

#1. It's not that fantastic. And whatever fantasy might be in it, doesn't come from the text, it has to be provided by the reader's imagination;
#2. It's not erotica. For that it would have to be a literary [iffi] or artistic [not really] work [not too much, though] having an erotic (i.e.f, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire [didn't do it for me]) theme or quality.
#3. You call yourself a writer. You say you take writing serious. You even went so far as to call it Literature... Looks like you brought this reaction upon yourself...

 

[Guest]

#3. You call yourself a writer. You say you take writing serious. You even went so far as to call it Literature... Looks like you brought this reaction upon yourself...

with comments like these, you seriously expect me to be nice?
btw, erotica has nothing to do with love so I dismiss your comment about that. Erotica is about sex. My story was about sex. Connect the dots.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

...sexual love or desire...

What exactly do you object to in my comment? Did I said anything that wasn't truth? Are you going to deny you 'call yourself a writer, say you take writing serious, and even went so far as to call it Literature?

 

[Guest]

What exactly do you object to in my comment? Did I said anything that wasn't truth? Are you going to deny you 'call yourself a writer, say you take writing serious, and even went so far as to call it Literature?

yes, I did call it literature and yes I do take it very seriously. Is there a problem with that?
The comment was regarding what you interpret as erotic. Love has nothing to do with it. If you read erotica novels you would know that.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

again... 'sexual love or desire'... I don't know if you're familiar with the expression, but I assumed any writer of erotica would be. It means sex.

And your 'story' didn't arouse any sexual feelings in me. That's all I said.

Do you know of anyone who was sexually aroused by one of your stories ever? If so, can you post it here?

 

[Guest]

again... 'sexual love or desire'... I don't know if you're familiar with the expression, but I assumed any writer of erotica would be. It means sex.

why not just say sex or desire? mmmmkay.

Do you know of anyone who was sexually aroused by one of your stories ever? If so, can you post it here?

actually, yes, 5 girls and 3 guys who have read that story.
I wont post their email regarding the story.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

What story? The nude prancing one?

 

[Rybka]

Wishing To Be Again - comments

hmm, 3 people on ignore. Ok, here is another poem. Rip it apart if that is what pleases you .

Wishing To Be Again

He sat there on the front porch
Behind the weathered picket fence
Faded, pale skeletal ribs of rotted wood
It’s an elderly man's barrier
He watches with envy as the children climb
Mammoth oaks and birches
Youth reaching heights
That surpass those which he reached
Hating the enthusiasm of youth
They can not feel arthritis nor senility
Damn their agility and virginity
Feeling crippled like the branches they break
The sage hates summer, the laughs remind him
Of memories and the love for life he lost
Now Alzheimer’s is his mate
There is something he wants to deny
Not the agonies of life, but the reassurance everyone will die
He is alone
Tears cascade down ancient jade
He pulls his shoul up over his lap evenly
His friends are gone but he can’t recall when
Yet he is wishing to be again

I have inserted corrections in red.

This is the best work of yours that I have yet seen, but I wish you would at least use a spell checker during your six revisions. - By “shoul” do you mean shawl? I cannot find “shoul” anywhere except as a surname.

On to more subjective comments: Oaks can be “Mamouth”, but birches don’t get that big.
I like the antithesis of “arthritis” with “agility”, but I think you could find a better opposite for “senility” than “virginity.
Why is the old man suddenly a “sage”. I thought he was senile and suffering from Alzheimer’s disease?
“Agony” and “reassurance” seem contradictory to me.
I do not grasp the “ancient jade” reference. I presume you are trying to equate that to his face? "Jaded" might work, but not "jade".
In the last line I would insert the word “young”. I would keep the title as is.

I hope you appreciate the effort that goes into comments like this. As always you are free to accept or reject everything offered, but please do not post back with condescending justifications of why you will not change anything. I am not interested. If you are happy with your work, since you do not write for readers, then that is all that should matter to you.
By the way, I have read each of your posted efforts more than twice. And, FYI, I have been published.

Regards,                                 Rybka

For reader’s information: According to his posts, De Sade is a graphics designer, and as of last year was 28 and living in Albany, New York. He claims to be 6’ 1”, single, bi-sexual, and has a fixation on older women (whom, from his posts, he apparently has trouble attracting). He has not submitted any stories or poems to Literotica, or at least I cannot find him listed in the Author’s list. He is an inveterate message poster and has posted some of his writing on the message boards. The second one that I saw was no better than the first one to which we were directed.

 

[Guest]

Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

I have inserted corrections in red.

This is the best work of yours that I have yet seen, but I wish you would at least use a spell checker during your six revisions. - By “shoul” do you mean shawl? I cannot find “shoul” anywhere except as a surname.

On to more subjective comments: Oaks can be “Mamouth”, but birches don’t get that big.
I like the antithesis of “arthritis” with “agility”, but I think you could find a better opposite for “senility” than “virginity.
Why is the old man suddenly a “sage”. I thought he was senile and suffering from Alzheimer’s disease?
“Agony” and “reassurance” seem contradictory to me.
I do not grasp the “ancient jade” reference. I presume you are trying to equate that to his face? "Jaded" might work, but not "jade".
In the last line I would insert the word “young”. I would keep the title as is.

I do appreciate the feedback and I will make changes because now I see the poem is awkward. But, what I dont appreciate is how you added personal info at the end. I dont see how my personal life is relevant to my writings. It seems people will find any excuse to rip me apart.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

I do appreciate the feedback and I will make changes because now I see the poem is awkward. But, what I dont appreciate is how you added personal info at the end. I dont see how my personal life is relevant to my writings. It seems people will find any excuse to rip me apart.

It is not relevant to your writings, but rather to your attitude and outlook on life as displayed in your posts. Besides, I was trying to find you in the “author’s index” and ended up at ALL your postings. I only looked at the first couple of pages and the last (you have over 130 pages of message posts). Everything I mentioned you had already placed in the public domain. If someone wants to wade through the other 130 plus pages I am sure they will probably find more facts of interest. You continuously claim to be an author of publishing quality, but you have never (as far as I can find) submitted even one to Literotica. “Many moons come Choctaw” I used to write “dirty books” for some extra pocket change. Let me state from experience that nothing I have seen of your story writing would have been acceptable to the trashiest publisher with whom I ever dealt.
In closing let me acknowledge that a “rabble rouser” must have rabble with which to work. - That is something at which you are fairly competent. And it is good to see the board stirred out of its normal lethargy.


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

It is not relevant to your writings, but rather to your attitude and outlook on life as displayed in your posts.

In closing let me acknowledge that a “rabble rouser” must have rabble with which to work. - That is something at which you are fairly competent. And it is good to see the board stirred out of its normal lethargy.

well, I dont think my personality is relevant to my writings either. Again, people will try to find any excuse to trash my writings. You dont know me IRL so how can you judge?
as for being a "rabble rouser", that was not my intention at all.
I simply wanted people to read my story and tell me if it was good or not.

 

[Chardonnay]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

I simply wanted people to read my story and tell me if it was good or not.

It's not, hon. Sorry.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

It's not, hon. Sorry.

well, lets leave it at this- its your opinion and I've received different feedback from people IRL.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Awww... that worked nicely, then.

Why did you say earlier that it was easy to just say 'it's crap' but what you wanted was a real critique that pointed out why it is crap and offered suggestions on how to make it better? You keep changing your mind! How do all of your thirty fans do not to get confused? Or are you only focussing on the 5+3 that claim to get aroused by your nude prancing story?

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Wishing To Be Again - comments

I used to write “dirty books” for some extra pocket change. Let me state from experience that nothing I have seen of your story writing would have been acceptable to the trashiest publisher with whom I ever dealt.

I take that as a compliment. I dont want to write for a 5th rate company whose target audience is truckers and janitors who wack off in porno booths.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

LOL

 

[KillerMuffin]

"She noticed a bulge in Trevor's pants. "Would you liek to see pics of me? I developed them yesterday" the young vixen asked. "

one of my stories

Or does that not ring a bell?

I'm hardly a wannabe. I am arrogant and your ego barely eclipses my own. However, unlike you, my writing and my credentials back up me up. I can be arrogant because I get paid for my skills with the language and not just to write.

If you'd like to fight me with about this, please feel free. You'll lose.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I've been waiting for this moment all day. He will, Muffie, but believe me, it's not much of a challenge...

 

[Byron In Exile]

Reading this thread was like watching a train wreck in slow-motion.

 

[Guest]

I'm hardly a wannabe. I am arrogant and your ego barely eclipses my own. However, unlike you, my writing and my credentials back up me up. I can be arrogant because I get paid for my skills with the language and not just to write.

If you'd like to fight me with about this, please feel free. You'll lose.

oh yes, there is that superior attitude I mentioned earlier. So because you are published that gives you every right to get personal? Wrong. Credentials with who, Readers Digest?
btw, I have no ego. Its just another assumption on this board.