For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[oggbashan]

Dear Uneasy in Utah,

Suggest that he holds back with the rare scented whatevers until he has tried them on a sensitive part of himself.

If he loves you he should be prepared to risk himself to protect you, shouldn't he?

If he is not keen on doing this small thing for you, then ask him to practice on himself with baby oil.

It does sometimes get hot in Utah, doesn't it?

Then make sure he tries the baby oil on a pleasant mid-summer day with the air conditioning turned off.

Then suggest that ice-cream might be a suitable alternative to the rare scented whatevers.

Yours

Og of Bashan

 

[Pookie]

Re: We're baaaack..........

Dear Bridget and MG,

Please answer this soon. I'm in a quandry and really need your advice.

My husband of three months is very romantic and a wonderful lover. Last night he told me that he wants to rub me from head to toe with rare scented ungulants before we make love.

This sounds very erotic, but I'm somehow a bit uneasy about it. I've asked him to hold off until I hear from you.

Sincerely,
Uneasy in Utah

Ps. We're strict Mormons, if that makes any difference.

Dear U,

Many things do sound quite erotic, especially when you discuss it during the heat of passion with your true love. The problem is that what sounds like a good idea during the middle of an orgasm, isn't always so good in practice.

Yes, it can be quite erotic. That is until someone gets a hoof stuck up their ass. You know how men just love to shove things in when they get excited! I would err on the side of caution in this matter.

Being Mormon would cause me to think about the consequences of my actions. My main concern would be how my butt would feel sitting on a church pew the morning after.

BTW. If you do decide to proceed, make sure any shoes that might have been fitted on the hoof has been removed by a professional. Leftover nails or tacks can create another delicate problem for you.

Sincerely,

Pookie

 

[MathGirl]

Sage advice

Dear Ogg,
You, dear, are more desperately in need of advice than the Mormon lady.
MG

Dear Pooks,
Excellent advice, dear. Rare scented ungulants are definitely not for Mormons.

If I wasn't contracturally joined at the hip with Bridget, I might conisder you for a straight person. No ...... Bridget is really too good to be true.
MG

 

[NoJo]

Re: Re: We're baaaack..........

Being Mormon would cause me to think about the consequences of my actions. My main concern would be how my butt would feel sitting on a church pew the morning after.

As a non-Mormon I believe your butt would feel nice sitting on a church pew.

I think you should ruminate carefully before saddling yourself with anyone who treats you like chattel in this way. He may be having his whey with an udder woman. Chew things over camelly.

 

[MathGirl]

Outrage

I think you should ruminate carefully before saddling yourself with anyone who treats you like chattel in this way. He may be having his whey with an udder woman. Chew things over camelly.

Dear SubJ,
You just go stand in the corner, mister. That sort of thing won't be tolerated here.
MG

 

[Dirt Man]

Dear Uneasy in Utah

My husband of three months is very romantic and a wonderful lover. Last night he told me that he wants to rub me from head to toe with rare scented ungulants before we make love.

This sounds very erotic, but I'm somehow a bit uneasy about it. I've asked him to hold off until I hear from you.

Sincerely,
Uneasy in Utah

Ps. We're strict Mormons, if that makes any difference.

It's quite obvious that you two are hopelessly in love with each other to resort to ungulants as a means of further stimulating the after the honey moon doldrums. Remember trust is the basis of a great ongoing marriage, and by that I mean keep your trust fund safe and hidden away so that your significient other doesn't find it before you divorce him, and take everything he owns, or at least half by California Law. As to being strict Mormons, I suggest sending him out to volunteer for missionary duty so that you can continue your soul searching at home with the other ladies of the Deacon, so that you can compare notes on this new message technique.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Sage advice

Dear Ogg,
You, dear, are more desperately in need of advice than the Mormon lady.
MG/B]

Dear MG,

As usual you are sooo right.

So here's my problem.

I'm a dead King who was worshipped as a God. In life I was a nine foot tall giant weighing about 500 pounds. I was the last of my family because normal women didn't want to mate with me - or couldn't because of the size difference. So my sex life was all foreplay and no consummation.

But my problem is now. As a dead King I get a better deal in the Underworld. I have several fast food concessions and in exchange for supplying assorted ready meals I can have my body back for short periods and reanimate another person to make love too - if they agree.

So far all the female shades I have approached take one look at the size of my bones and say "No." or other more emphatic words of rejection. Even a deathtime's supply of fast food doesn't tempt them.

Can you suggest any shade that I could approach who might possibly oblige me?

Yours

Og

PS. If you find an answer I'll arrange for you to get the deathtime's supply of the burger of your choice when you join me down here.

 

[MathGirl]

Wrong hole

Dear MG,
Can you suggest any shade that I could approach who might possibly oblige me?

Dear Ogg,
Sorry, we have enough to do with trying to help normal sized living people. I suggest you try one of those threads where they talk about Harry Potter all the time. Your problem sounds like something that bunch would hopelessly mangle.
Helpfully, MG

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Wrong hole

I suggest you try one of those threads where they talk about Harry Potter all the time.
Helpfully, MG

Who is Harry Potter?

 

[Pookie]

Re: Re: Wrong hole

Who is Harry Potter?

Isn't that the Colonel that played in MASH?


Pookie

(ducking while Svenska's throws her book at me)

 

[MathGirl]

#@$%^!!

Dear Pooks,
Don't encourage her. Let's try to keep that Harry Potter crap confined to the threads about children's books.
MG

 

[Pookie]

"Ummmm .... is the week over?" Pookie asks, afraid to know the answer.


Pookie

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"CRUCIO!!!"

 

[Pookie]

"CRUCIO!!!"

"Gesundheit," Pookie says, passing Svenska a tissue.


Pookie

 

[sirhugs]

do I need a better class of friends?

Dear wise women of the web:

I have a female friend, who is quite nice, attractive and all. Seems however that she has Tourrette's Syndrome. The good news is that she doesn't blurt out swear words. the bad news is that her uncontrollable discourse sounds a lot like ' wanna blowjob?'

She's made lots of nice friends. However, she's almost done school and is concerned about getting ahead in the business world.

She tried speech pathology, but the result sounded a lot like ' cum on my tits'.

Any suggestions?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Gesundheit," Pookie says, passing Svenska a tissue.


Pookie

I'll show you where you can shove your tissue, you...you... Muggle!

 

[MathGirl]

Re: do I need a better class of friends?

Dear wise women of the web:

I have a female friend, who is quite nice, attractive and all. Seems however that she has Tourrette's Syndrome. The good news is that she doesn't blurt out swear words. the bad news is that her uncontrollable discourse sounds a lot like ' wanna blowjob?'

She's made lots of nice friends. However, she's almost done school and is concerned about getting ahead in the business world.

She tried speech pathology, but the result sounded a lot like ' cum on my tits'.

Any suggestions?

Dear SirH,
It sounds like your 'friend' is a natural for whoredom. We had a problem recently from a lady who had a birthmark of male genitalia on her forehead. We suggested a career in the negotiable affection industry for her. Your 'friend' would seem to be equally well qualified.

If you could get the two of them together, they'd make a wonderful act to entice customers off the sidewalk and into the bordello.

One caveat: Keep her away from some quack doctor who might offer a cure for her contition. Then she'd be just another broad.
Helpfully, MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

MG, so great to see you! I've been all alone in here for hours!

 

[MathGirl]

Swi... Swede

MG, so great to see you! I've been all alone in here for hours!

Hiya, Svenska, you Swedish cutie. Que pasa?
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I suffer from insomnia...

 

[Pookie]

I'll show you where you can shove your tissue, you...you... Muggle!

I thought I had been called everything! This is new. What is a muggle??


Pookie

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I thought I had been called everything! This is new. What is a muggle??


Pookie

"Muggle" Added to OED

The word Muggle has been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. The listing (according to TLC reader George, who sent us the link) reads as follows:
In the fiction of J. K. Rowling: a person who possesses no magical powers. Hence in allusive and extended uses: a person who lacks a particular skill or skills, or who is regarded as inferior in some way.

 

[Pookie]

Did you just call me a blonde????


Pookie

 

[DurtGurl]

$%^&$#$%^&!!

Aren't there ANY threads left without that #$%^&^%& Harry Potter? Shit!
MG

Oh, buy the way, "DurtGurl" is a new nam de plum I'm using to post my Really Really Bad Story. I didn't realize I'd loged on her using that neme. Ha ha LOfuckingL
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Dear Math Durt,


Harry Potter Rules.


So there.


Best regards,

Svenskaflicka