For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[MathGirl]

A slight delay .....................

Dear B and MG readers,

There may be a slight delay in getting to your letters and requests for advice. We're experiencing some trouble in responding to a gentleman with yodeling testicles.

We should be back in business shortly.

Your Friends, B and MG

 

[NoJo]

BK+MG,

Take your time answering this one -- I don't really care much about what you say or how long you take to reply , because this question is on behalf of a female acquaintance of mine, not for me:

The best thing to do is to quote what she asked me verbatim, as it's on tape: (like most British people, I record the first 12 hours of my day onto DVD , which I play back during the second 12 hours).

"Hey Joe, can I ask you a question, while you're down there? How come I smell of airplane fuel? My last client told me my pussy smells like a fucking Jumbo Jet. Well, whaddya say, Joe? ...C'mon, you're meant to be a fucking scientist, what do you mean, you don't know?? Well you better find out before next time otherwise no more pussy for you, okay?"

 

[Guest]

BK+MG,

Take your time answering this one -- I don't really care much about what you say or how long you take to reply , because this question is on behalf of a female acquaintance of mine, not for me:

The best thing to do is to quote what she asked me verbatim, as it's on tape: (like most British people, I record the first 12 hours of my day onto DVD , which I play back during the second 12 hours).

"Hey Joe, can I ask you a question, while you're down there? How come I smell of airplane fuel? My last client told me my pussy smells like a fucking Jumbo Jet. Well, whaddya say, Joe? ...C'mon, you're meant to be a fucking scientist, what do you mean, you don't know?? Well you better find out before next time otherwise no more pussy for you, okay?"

J-

I hesitate to mention this is mixed company, but since this could be putting your and other's health at risk, I feel compelled to be blunt. (I am struggling, Diane is so much better at this than me.)

Joe, it is one of the oldest myths in the oldest profession that douching with a mixture of kerosene and xylene will cure herpes and syphyllis. I urge you to no longer orally service your 'friend', as comsuming either of these volatile solvents can severely damage your liver, not to mention, strip the taste buds off your tongue.

I will skip saying anything about the transmission of the aforementioned diseases in the interest of good taste.

b

 

[MathGirl]

"Hey Joe, can I ask you a question, while you're down there? How come I smell of airplane fuel? My last client told me my pussy smells like a fucking Jumbo Jet.

Dear Joe,

I have a slightly different take on this than does my esteem colleague. As you may or may not know, J4 (jet fuel) is nothing more or less than kerosene. This same volatile petroleum product is used as a base for many of the commonly used pediculocides. In layman's terms, your sweetie has been treating herself for crotch lobsters. I'd touch her with nothing short of a ten foot pole (or a six foot Norwegian). Ha ha, a little B and MG humor there. Don't rely on a condum, because that stuff dissolves them.

MG

 

[MathGirl]

Bye bye, Coach

Dear B and MG,

I'm out on bail now, but unless you can give me some good advice, I'm afraid I'll be up the old feces river lacking an oar.

Until recently I was assistant football coach at Cosgrove High. Then one day I was discovered in flagrante delicto buggering a sophomore place kicker in the locker room after practice. I tried to explain that it was an accepted coaching method of correcting a kicker's tendency to hook the ball, but I was arrested anyway.

While I was in jail, several other student athletes came forward and told the cops of experiences with my coaching methods. During the police investigation, a search of my apartment turned up an extensive feminine wardrobe, complete with lacy undergarments and sheer nighties, in my size. They were particularly interested in a pair of chic black platform shoes with ankle straps and five-inch stiletto heels in size 12 EEE. Also found were assorted whips, ropes, and handcuffs. My completely reasonable explanations for this athletic training equipment were ignored.

The most damning evidence uncovered was a collection of Polaroid photographs of me, clad only in crotchless panty hose, on either the giving or receiving end of a vigorous cornholing. One of the pictures showed a menage a trois in which I was both buggerer and buggeree. In another team photo, I was the central figure in a Rhode Island daisy chain with all six members of the previous season's defensive backfield (linebackers included). I explained that I was merely establishing a personal relationship with my teenage athletes. The DA was not amused or convinced.

They didn't introduce the opened case of hospital size jars of Vaseline and the enema bags into evidence. I was charged with multiple counts of sex with a minor, sodomy, and various other morals raps.

I ask you, B and MG, is this fair? The training methods I use on my student athletes may seem bizarre to the layman, but what do cops and prosecutors know about modern athletic physiology? I proudly point to the 9-2 record of our football team last season. With all humility, I believe my somewhat unorthodox methods of training my players had much to do with our success. It is my opinion that an hour of sweaty perversion is worth a whole week of Nautilus training.

If you would take my side on this, it would go a long way towards convincing a jury of my innocence. After all, my intentions were pure, and I had only the welfare of my trim, muscular, buff, well hung student athletes at heart.

Coach Orville J. "Jammer" Gillette
Out on Bail
________________________________

Coach- While I am usually the more sympathetic of our advice doling duo, you have hit my "mama" button and I am sending Vito to the prison where you are to make sure you never see the light of day again. In my persistently positive existence, I would like to be able to say that you may reform, but, as a parent I really don't care to find out if you ever do. A set of bolt cutters are the least you can expect. You are a VERY BAD man. -b
__________________________________________
Dear Jammer,

Oh, you poor man. You've gotten Bridget pissed off, and, believe me, that is very, very bad news. If she's sending Vito the Viper, you may just as well kiss some of your favorite body parts goodbye. I do have some thoughts about your case, though.

Firstly, I believe that any competent lawyer can get the sodomy .... beef reduced to Following Too Close. While I, of course, firmly believe you when you say you had your athletes' welfare at heart, it's going to be tough convincing a jury of that.
Let's face it, Jammer, you're going to face some serious time in the graybar hotel. You should have less difficulty adjusting to prison life than most, though. After all, you ain't exactly a virgin. We recently got a letter about an incarcerated gentleman named Raylondo "Sugar Ray" Stallings. If you're lucky, you might meet up with Sugar. He might teach you his "husband and wife" game.
I suggest you have your family bring you lots of KY Jelly and Preparation H on visiting days. I'm sure you are going to be a very popular inmate.
MG
Ps. Don't forget to bring along your knee pads, coach.

 

[MathGirl]

Oversexed

Dear MG & B, I don't think I have a problem, but my husband insists that I should write to you. You see, he thinks that I am oversexed. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely faithful to him. It is just that I really enjoy orgasms. I initiate sex with him most every morning and evening. Lately, he has told me that I am wearing him out. MG & B, I thought men liked having sex. I don't understand why it is "my problem" when he is the one who seems to be abnormal. What should I do?
H in Hawaii
__________________________
Dear H, Marital relations are a very delicate subject. We all go through periods of waxing and waning sex drives. Perhaps your husband is under stress at work and needs more TLC than T&A. Are you making sure that ALL of his needs are being met? And remember there is more to sex than orgasm. Intimacy is essential to the act, both physical and emotional. Your husband may feel like he is the means to your orgasmic ends and that you don't value him for himself. Remember, you BOTH have to be happy in order to have great sex. b
______________________________________
Dear H,
Good grief, woman, what's wrong with you? Don't you realize how many women there are out there who would love to have your problem? You'd better learn from other women the tried and true methods for keeping husbands happy. First you start with "I have a headache," then learn the "I'm just too tired tonight." Soon you'll master the "I don't want to wake the kids," and you will eventually be able to pretend that you're having your period three weeks of every month and spotting the rest of the time.
Get with the program, sister. If you won't refuse to have sex with your man, there are plenty of us out here who will.
MG

 

[MathGirl]

Third graders ..........

Dere Math Gurl,
I'm a boy in the third grade. Yesterdy me and my pals Tyrone and Moshe were comparringe peter sises. Moshe went ferst and it was ok but nothing speshel. Tyrone puled his out an it was much biger. Then i showed them my peter, an it was much much mush biger.
Im Irish on both sides of my famly. Is my peter biger because im irish?
Seannie, thurd grad
_____________________________
Dear Sean,
No, dear, it has nothing to do with you being Irish. It's because you're twenty three years old.

 

[MathGirl]

Chaw etiquette

Dear B and MG,
This is a question about etiquette and good taste, so I'm directing it primarily to Bridgette. She seems to be more family and manners centered of the two of you. Don't get me wrong, MG, your wisdom is unparalleled when it comes to the wet, sweaty, and disgusting things you deal with on a daily basis, but this is a more delicate matter.

Okay, here's my problem. My husband refuses to remove the chewing tobacco from his mouth during sex. This means that he drools on me in the missionary position, and deep kissing is sometimes quite messy. Also, the tobacco juice is irritating when he munches my muff. The baseball sized wad of Copenhagen in his cheek is somthing of a turn off. He claims he does it for economic reasons; he hates to spit out a perfectly good chaw just because we're gonna play hide the salami.

Personally, I chew the more delicate and feminine Skoal Minty, and I hawk it out and rinse with Budweiser before we get intimate. I don't see why he can't do the same.

Please answer soon, because this is making our love life difficult.

Grossed Out in GA
_______________________________________________
Dear G, Chaw etiquette is truly delicate. I think you may get better results with flattery, dear. Keep an empty pimento cheese container next to the bed for him to temporarily "park" his chaw. Tell your husband that he really looks like his favorite NASCAR driver when he doesn't have the chaw in his mouth. You may have to practice telling this whopper in the mirror so that you don't laugh when you tell him. If he is still resistant, then I would try using a position that keeps you from being the unwilling recipient of his juices and chaw. b
___________________________________________

Dear G,
I think Bridget covered your question quite nicely and with a delicacy seldom seen in chaw circles. I'd say that she has probably had more than just a little practical experience with chaw. The NASCAR driver was truly inspired, and I can only add that you might compliment your husband on his tooth.

Best of luck, G. If Bridget's advice doesn't take care of your problem, you might have to resort to stronger measures. Slapping the good ol' boy upside the head with a hot frying pan usually adds emphasis to your arguments.
MG

 

[MathGirl]

Quandry

Dear B and MG,

My wife and I have been married for several years, and our intimate relations have always been quite satisfactory. Last night, though, something happened that deeply disturbs me. I asked my wife if she would like to go to bed and make love.

She replied, "Sure, but let's not do the finger in the asshole thing. Okay?"

I retorted, "Why not? It's my finger ........... my asshole, too."

Personally, I think she was unreasonable. Will you please give us your wise counsel to settle this disagreement?

Sincerely,
C. Bucking Fuster, III
Toot Sweet, Texas
_______________________________________________

Dear C, I think you may need to get a greater understanding of your wife's averson. Part of intimacy is being sensitive to your partner's preferences and concerns. Perhaps it is where the thumb goes later that bothers her. Remeber, if she isn't happy, then you aren't going to get happy. b
____________________________________________

Dear Mr Fuster,
I understand yours is a delicate situation, therefore my suggestion is to handle it with the utmost tenderness. Try this approach: First bitch slap the cunt, then tell her to shut up and pass the pussy. I think this forthright approach holds the best opportunity for you present and future domestic tranquility.
MG

 

[MathGirl]

From a ferriner

Honnity B fof MG,
Bom einnent dobberangengen flotz 19. Summangeren dado rummangenert mos. Mobt feserant pissi sol dor inne fucky sucky? Naiatoosy teewt frominger bat. Ha ha! Bot varlygarly mommen, " ROLSS DRE, COSGROVE, ME PASSANTELLI!" Tobo fantoo boobys fantods. Nach merent?
Slobbe,
Fleebre ne Nangoo
________________________________________
Dear F, As we mature, different times of stress will cause us to have times of dicomfort and awkwardness. Don't focus on who you aren't today, but who you want to be tomorrow and the day after. Wo bu hua ni de yu. Ni de yu tai nan. b
_________________________________________
F,
I'm not as tolerant and understanding as Bridget, so listen up, buster! The next time you send a letter with filth like that, you get an up close and personal visit from Big Tyrone and Vito the Viper. They will happily pull your ears out through your arse.
MG
Good grief, Bridget! Can't you understand plain Hoomovian?

 

[Guest]

just for a different AV

Dear Gentle Readers,

I am taking this opportunity to break up the series of rather large bottomed babies with a single rose.

I have been remiss in not wishing everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day. My grandma Keeney is turning in her grave.

So, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And may you be in heaven for an hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

b

 

[MathGirl]

NICE

I am taking this opportunity to break up the series of rather large bottomed babies with a single rose. rose: b

Oh, okay, Bridget. I've changed my avathingie. Satisfied?

Bridget, how the hell can you be so insufferably NICE? It must be a terrible burden to carry. It's a good thing I'm such an unrepentant misanthrope, or this thread would have been wheels off and knees up long ago.

Good grief, Bridget, why do I have to carry the entire snarling, backbiting, sarcastic load? Can't you contribute a little? Not that I'd every want to be nice, you understand.

On the rag and spoilin' fer a fight,
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'm boycotting St Patrick's Day. I'm against religion.

 

[MathGirl]

$#%&^$#%^*&&^%

I'm boycotting St Patrick's Day. I'm against religion.

Dear, Dear Svenska,
Thank you ever so much for posting that thought here. So totally, totally appropriate.
MG

Ps. St Patrick's day was yesterday
PPS. Rowwwwrrrrrrrrrr Spit hiss......

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: $#%&^$#%^*&&^%

Dear, Dear Svenska,
Thank you ever so much for posting that thought here. So totally, totally appropriate.
MG

Ps. St Patrick's day was yesterday
PPS. Rowwwwrrrrrrrrrr Spit hiss......

If I have offended you, I apologize from the heart of my bottom, MG.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: $#%&^$#%^*&&^%

If I have offended you, I apologize from the heart of my bottom, MG.

Moi, Swede? Mais non.

Damn, can't seem to pick a fight around here.
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: Re: Re: $#%&^$#%^*&&^%

Damn, can't seem to pick a fight around here.
MG

No, we're saving that for Cleo's thread...

 

[MathGirl]

A lucky girl

Dear B and MG,
I'm a newlywed woman, and I need your advice very badly. We got married a month ago, and I suppose I should have known something was unusual even before that. Now, I'm really in a quandry.

I was a virgin and totally naive about sex. About a month before the wedding, my fiancee gave me a bottle of Rogaine hair growth stimulant. He asked that I apply it to my buttocks and thighs daily. I wanted to please him, so I did this faithfully. By the time of our wedding, my backside and legs were covered with black, curly hair.

Since our wedding we've settled into a pattern of lovemaking, but I somehow feel that our situation is not exactly normal. You see, he always makes me put on a battered hard hat and tool belt before we go to bed. Also, he insists that we do it .... doggy style. Blush. If that wasn't bad enough, he makes me say certain things in a deep voice while we do it, otherwise he can't get it up. I have to yell things like, "Git that 2x4 and the 3/8ths Grimley up here, Roy," or "Slap a few more nails into that motherfucker, Jack." When he gets really excited, he shouts things like, "Here comes the 7/8" Fosberg up yer A-frame stud, Ernie," or "How d'ya like that 6x6 in yer rafter joist, Carl?"

My question, dear B and MG, is this: Is our intimacy normal, or is this something that needs professional attention? Please help me, because the hair really embarrassing when I wear shorts. Also, the 8" Helcher in the tool belt chafes my hips. Oh, and my bottom hurts all the time.
Hairy Helen in Hartford

Ps. My husband bought me a set of Fustrum sidegroiners (complete with metric sizes) for my birthday. Wasn't that sweet? It even included the dowel rabetting attachment.
_________________________________
Dear H- If you aren't comfortable, it doesn't matter what anyone else says. You need to see a sex therapist together to sort out your feelings. I have grave concerns regarding your continued health and welfare, though, dear. Rogaine is not estrogen friendly. b
___________________________________________
Dear Hairy,
You're barking up the wrong tree, girly. Most of us women would give anything for a set of Fustrum sidegroiners. Wow, you even got the rabbeter and the metrics? Look sister, do anything he wants. Just be thankful it's only a Helcher he makes you wear to bed. We recently had a letter from a woman whose husband insisted on a 13/16" Fordyce. Now how would you like to wear one of those babies in your toolbelt? Your husband is a jewel, so quitcherbitchin.
Enviously, MG

Nice job, Bridget. You certainly avoided the issue on that one.

 

[MathGirl]

Yawwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn

Am I just tired, or is this thread going to die a natural death? Oh, well, tomorrow's another day, isn't it, Toto?
MG

 

[MathGirl]

Bitching bartender

Dear B and MG,
I'm a bartender, call me Otis. The other night, it was a slow at the joint, and a stranger comes in and sits at the bar.

He says, "I feel like having somthing different to drink tonight. Do you have something special?"

Well, I told him about the special drink I invented. It's made of vodka, rye whiskey, creme de menthe, and dry sherry. The guy sez that sounds good, so I made one for him. When I served him, I told him that he should never have more than one of my special drinks.

The customer downed the drink, smacked his lips, and told me to bring him another one. I told him he shouldn't have the second drink, but he insisted. Whatcha gonna do? I made him another one. He drank it, left me a nice tip, and walked out of the joint.

Next night, the same guy comes in. I asked if he wanted one of my specials, but he sez he'd stick to Bud. Sez the special drinks I made him the night before did strange things to him. He sez, "After those two drinks, I went home and blew chunks."

I apoligized for serving him something that would make him nauseated, but I reminded him of my warning not to have that second drink.

Guy sez, "No, no, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

Now I ask you, B and MG, should I feel responsible for a customer doing something like that?

Otis,
Frank's Joint
_______________________________
Dear Otis,
All of us need to remember that while we are 'our brother's keeper', ultimately, everyone makes their own choices and has to live with them. Obviously, since the patron returned, he wasn't absolutely averse to the activity. I am more concerned for the trauma to the dog. :rose Bridget
_______________________________
Dear Otis,
I'd love to have the recipe for that "special" drink of yours. Sounds delicious.
MG
Well, Bridget, you did it again. Even the easy ones go right over your head, don't they?

 

[MathGirl]

Dear MG & B,

I am frantic with worry. You are the only ones I can turn to.

Six months ago my husband Darren and I had our first child. wanting to
do
the best thing for our baby, I decided to breast feed. Everything was
wonderful. My milk came in fine and I enjoyed having large breasts for
the
first time in my life. I had a little 'bounce' so to speak.

Darren really liked having a full figured gal and started paying me
more
attention, if you know what I mean. I was a bit self-concious, because
my
milk would let down whenever he started handling my breasts. He
assured me
that "a little milk" didn't bother him. In fact, it was a turn on for
him.

Well, what started as getting "just a swig", has turned into him
wanting to
"nurse" and then have sex twice a day. He loves to call me his "little
mama". Is this normal?

MG & B, I am worried. I am afraid that little Darren isn't getting the
milk
he needs. I am also afraid that I will never be able to wean big
Darren.
While I enjoy the enhancement to my figure, I know I will get tired of
wearing nursing tops to give him easy access.

I love making my husband happy, but I don't see an end in sight. What
should I do?

Elsie of Edmonton
______________________________________________________________

Dear E,

It is normal for husbands to be jealous of their own children getting more
attention from their wives and having better access to her body. All of you
are going through an adjustment phase. As long as little Darren keeps
making progress on the growth charts, do not worry about him getting enough
milk.

It sounds like your husband needs reassurance that he is your number one
man. Take more calcium, drink more water and enjoy your bounce.

b
_______________________________
Dear E,
What sort of mother issues does your husband have? Time to cut the apron strings by souring your milk. I suggest you go on a strict diet of kimchee. No way will he still want to be sucking away with the garlic and gas. Your son will suffer for a bit, but they have to grow up sooner or later. -MG
In case readers don't know about kimchee, I'm sure Bridget would share her old family recipe. It has to be smelled to be believed.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

13 out of 21 threads bear my name. I'm officially bored.

 

[MathGirl]

Awwwwwwwwwww

13 out of 21 threads bear my name. I'm officially bored.

Poor, poor sweet baby.

Helpfully,
MG

 

[sirhugs]

bump

If I needed help, I know who I'd ask!

 

[sirhugs]

did y'all give up?

I hope not, cause I got a buddy with a really big problem. seems his girlfriend decided he can't go down on her until he trims his nose hairs.

Now this might seem simple to y'all, but my buddy has been growing and grooming his hairs for 4 years, anticipating the next Olfactory Coiffure Olympics, and is rather proud of his creative " Double Twist Through the Toe Reverse Sawkow".

Buddy loves being a cunning linguist, and is afraid his less nasally endowed chums might slip into his place if he fails to keep his girl satisfied.

Any tips how he can resolve his dilemma?