Freakin' good titles!

[karmadog]

Even I don't believe this...

... but this is a 100% no-shitter. So I was at my favorite neighborhood bar singing up a storm (it worked, too. I should rent myself out as a rainmaker), when a slim, very fit woman walked in. At first I thought she might be a lesbian, because she had a severe haircut and immediately grabbed the nearest woman and started dirty dancing. Woof. Anyhow, somebody said that she was a belly dancer. Now I don't know about you, but the only belly dancers I ever saw were kind of chunky, certainly not built like Nadia Comaneci as this woman was. Well, she overheard me talking about fat belly dancers and asked me where I had seen belly dancers. I told her at an Arabic joint in Detroit and she said that was why. She was a Turk, and in Turkey, belly dancers must be slim. She had brought a CD, so she gave it to the karaoke mistress and danced for us. I have to tell you--instant wood. Instant, I say! It was the sexiest thing I ever saw. I'm moving to Turkey.

goodess of love by bigbear8

goddess of love? goodness of love? or, my favorite, goodass of love?

A Touch... A Fire

Curse my sulfur-tipped fingers.

Bitch love by DarkkSeduction

The tale of a very, very sick boy and his dog.

His Quiet Noise by Angeline

Must be wearing golf pants.

A turkish belly dancer at the Deep South karaoke bar. It is such a small, bizarre world.

 

[Angeline]

So, Karmadog let me get this straight

This belly-dancing erm experience you had...it happened the same day as the gecko experience?

You know for a man who lives as supposedly quietly as you do, you have an eventful life.

 

[karmadog]

Yeah, same day. I guess I just live a glamorous life.

 

[JUDO]

Yep, time to zip closed the bitch suit and wag my butt! More poetry titles from the New Poems List! - Judo
---------------------------------------------------
A Man So Slow
by weed©

Oh, if only such a thing really existed. I mean it seems like anything I do to get them to actually go slower, just speeds them up (if you know what I mean). Talk about your hair trigger!

The author "weed" posts only poetry at Lit and quite a bit of it. A closet weed poet.

---------------------------------------------------
The Love Flowed Through
by sidney328©

Yeah, don't you hate that? I mean you've just finished thrashing the mattress and then, the moment you get up, you have to cup your fingers, trying to plug yourself and scamper to the bathroom. Jeez! A-drippin' the whole way, too.

---------------------------------------------------
Night Tripper
by Angeline©

Ooh! Ow! I remember this story. A friend of mine lived in the country and had a big black labrador. He came home really late from work one moonless night. Not wanting to wake his wife, he left the lights off, shut the front door gently, and fell over the dog, who was lying in the middle of the living room rug. The dog was fine, but he broke both of his arms! Ouch! He couldn't work for two months. Moral: If you live in a dark place, put a light on your lab's collar.

---------------------------------------------------
Fruits of Insomnia
by apple3141©

I was trying to think of what I like to eat when I can't sleep, but could only recall tea at three AM, then I noticed that this poem was written by "apple3141." Hey! What gives? Is this an all night horn of plenty party or what?

Ah, well...can't be all bad. His first posted poem and a Dorothy Parker fan! Welcome, apple!

 

[karmadog]

Titles to avoid work by (for)

My dog started barking earlier today, so I looked out the window to see what it was all about, and what did I see? A woman sitting on a terlet (as Archie Bunker would say). Naturally, that puzzled me. It turns out that they're remodeling the house across the street and were throwing out the old commode. Still, it's out of the norm to see an old lady on a crapper next to the road. I guess she was trying to save it until her friends could come back with a truck so she could take it home. I wonder if she buys her underwear second hand.

Skipping Stone by _Land

When I was a kid (I think it was around 1957), my friend Paul and I were skipping stones across a pond at each other. I got a particular good skip off a wavelet and beaned him right in the melon. Poor kid had to get 7 stitches in his forehead.

Once and Now Again (for Laura Nyro) by Angeline

When they do a reunion show for the show 'Once and Again' this is what they'll call it. Minus the Laura Nyro part, of course.

The Stranger's Hair by Xtaabay

... was in my soup. I didn't tell her because it was egg drop soup and surely good for her split ends.

Mayan Eloquence by Xtaabay

I read this book by Donald Westlake where the main character was running a scam involving a phony Mayan temple called, I think, Lava Xir Reet. Pronounced correctly as La Vache Qui Rit--The Laughing Cow--which is a form of processed cheese. Very funny book.

The other piece of my soul by americandemon

... is in my other pair of pants.

Poverty by beths-virtue

Finally, a poem about something I understand! I once ate nothing but rice for a month. I even had to melt snow to cook it in because the water had been shut off. Fuck, I was poor!

too quiet this night, mulling by smithpeter

I used to have a great recipe for mulled wine, but I lost it. Ah well, it never really gets cold enough for mulled wine down here. Still, I love the smell.

As I walk along... by Man Ray

... I wonder
what went wrong with our love.
I wah wah wah wah wonderrrr
Why

A why why why why whyyyy

She ran away.

A Dildo for All Seasons: Rowdy Ted by The Poets

Another submission from those arrogant twits (my friends). They've gotten so verbose that this one should be subtitled 'The Odyssey for Dildos'. Perhaps they could do a whole series of rewritten and unrecognizable classics: 'MacDeath: or A Tough Day With Dr. Jack', 'The Limpsons: Viagra Shortage!', 'The Snows of Bolivia' (should be selfexplanatory), 'The Stranger Stranger: PVC and Existentialism', 'Lord of the Nipple Rings', 'The Bobbit: or Off and On Again', and 'The Story of O My God It's Moving Towards Us: Godzilla Dominates Rodin!' You know, all the classics.

 

[Angeline]

Another Vote for Xtaabay

I just read xtaabay's poems--the 8 that are posted here at Literotica. Please read something by this new poet if you can; they really are special. I like the way they evoke that dreamlike quality seen in the great Latin American poets (like Paz or Neruda)combined with the images and sensibilities of ancient cultures.

A few in particular made me think of Chichen Itza the amazing Mayan ruins reclaimed from the jungles of southeast Mexico.

 

[_Land]

Re: Titles to avoid work by (for)

Its good to see you do this thread on occasion still, thanks for the mention K-Dog

My dog started barking earlier today, so I looked out the window to see what it was all about, and what did I see? A woman sitting on a terlet (as Archie Bunker would say). Naturally, that puzzled me. It turns out that they're remodeling the house across the street and were throwing out the old commode. Still, it's out of the norm to see an old lady on a crapper next to the road. I guess she was trying to save it until her friends could come back with a truck so she could take it home. I wonder if she buys her underwear second hand.

Skipping Stone by _Land

When I was a kid (I think it was around 1957), my friend Paul and I were skipping stones across a pond at each other. I got a particular good skip off a wavelet and beaned him right in the melon. Poor kid had to get 7 stitches in his forehead.

Once and Now Again (for Laura Nyro) by Angeline

When they do a reunion show for the show 'Once and Again' this is what they'll call it. Minus the Laura Nyro part, of course.

The Stranger's Hair by Xtaabay

... was in my soup. I didn't tell her because it was egg drop soup and surely good for her split ends.

Mayan Eloquence by Xtaabay

I read this book by Donald Westlake where the main character was running a scam involving a phony Mayan temple called, I think, Lava Xir Reet. Pronounced correctly as La Vache Qui Rit--The Laughing Cow--which is a form of processed cheese. Very funny book.

The other piece of my soul by americandemon

... is in my other pair of pants.

Poverty by beths-virtue

Finally, a poem about something I understand! I once ate nothing but rice for a month. I even had to melt snow to cook it in because the water had been shut off. Fuck, I was poor!

too quiet this night, mulling by smithpeter

I used to have a great recipe for mulled wine, but I lost it. Ah well, it never really gets cold enough for mulled wine down here. Still, I love the smell.

As I walk along... by Man Ray

... I wonder
what went wrong with our love.
I wah wah wah wah wonderrrr
Why

A why why why why whyyyy

She ran away.

A Dildo for All Seasons: Rowdy Ted by The Poets

Another submission from those arrogant twits (my friends). They've gotten so verbose that this one should be subtitled 'The Odyssey for Dildos'. Perhaps they could do a whole series of rewritten and unrecognizable classics: 'MacDeath: or A Tough Day With Dr. Jack', 'The Limpsons: Viagra Shortage!', 'The Snows of Bolivia' (should be selfexplanatory), 'The Stranger Stranger: PVC and Existentialism', 'Lord of the Nipple Rings', 'The Bobbit: or Off and On Again', and 'The Story of O My God It's Moving Towards Us: Godzilla Dominates Rodin!' You know, all the classics.

 

[Guest]

Re: Another Vote for Xtaabay

I just read xtaabay's poems--the 8 that are posted here at Literotica. Please read something by this new poet if you can; they really are special. I like the way they evoke that dreamlike quality seen in the great Latin American poets (like Paz or Neruda)combined with the images and sensibilities of ancient cultures.

A few in particular made me think of Chichen Itza the amazing Mayan ruins reclaimed from the jungles of southeast Mexico.

Hi,
This is my first post on a message board... hope it doesn't appear someplace it shouldn't.
It's interesting that you would think of Chichen Itza; I've been there. That is where I got my first good look at the Mayan glyph carvings (outside of textbook renderings). Beautiful. I also lived in the Yucatan for a few months, and later in other areas of Mexico. I was greatly inspired, changed in many ways...all of which is reflected (exposed, perhaps) in my writing.
--Xtaabay--

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Another Vote for Xtaabay

Hi,
This is my first post on a message board... hope it doesn't appear someplace it shouldn't.
It's interesting that you would think of Chichen Itza; I've been there. That is where I got my first good look at the Mayan glyph carvings (outside of textbook renderings). Beautiful. I also lived in the Yucatan for a few months, and later in other areas of Mexico. I was greatly inspired, changed in many ways...all of which is reflected (exposed, perhaps) in my writing.
--Xtaabay--

Welcome, Xtaabay. We are all always happy to have a new voice and viewpoint join the forum. Feel free to join in any thread that may appeal to you, and keep posting your very interesting poems.


Regards,                       Rybka

 

[karmadog]

I survived Detroit!!!

But I have to admit, it was much tougher to survive my time with my parents.

Detroit is, I think a city on it's way up. There is an energy there that wasn't there fifteen years ago. I will no longer denigrate Detroit.

My dog hates me for leaving her at the kennel though. She punched me right in the dick. I thought, 'Now that's a hell of a greeting.' The people at the kennel laughed their asses off. I don't think we'll use that kennel anymore. Customer service rule #1: Don't mock your customers.

Other than that, the worst part of the trip was trying to deal with my parent's feeble attempts at humor. God they're nerds. I wonder whenever I see them how I managed to grow up without being completely fucked up. I mean, no more fucked up than I am.

Anyhow, it's good to be home.

A Water Bowl by Rybka

I tried water bowling, but I killed a fish. I hope it wasn't related to our Rybka. I'm hoping to avoid a vendetta. I always lose those.

The Curandero (the curer) by Xtaabay

I don't know... I think I'll go for modern medicine to cure that persistent drip.

end beginnings by smithpeter

Yeah! And end middles, too! But for God's sake, don't end ends. I like those.

Counting Lies by Rybka

If I were counting the lies I have told in bars, I would have to take my shoes off, then my pants, but then I wouldn't have to count one of them anymore.

Broken Alice by Typhon

I thought that said 'Broke Alice', and that would be a shame. I used to be able to get anything I wanted at Alice's Restaurant.

Sex Ray by JUDO

Ray is a lucky bastard. JUDO went and sexed him. Or she's going to. Or she's commanding me to. Wait a minute! Who's Ray? Male or female? I'm square enough to care and so straight that it matters. I can't help it, I was born this way.

Milk/More Nut by Totenkopf

I think I'll stick with Milk/Duds.

Lava Cock Erupts by lavacock

...and destroys Honolulu!!! Incidentally, I hear lava sperm dries to obsidian. It's really hard to get out of your sheets.

Spinning Color by Xtaabay

The last time I dropped acid, I was fascinated by the spinning colors of a daiquiri machine. Later, I was fascinated and horrified by the Teletubbies. But that's another story.

Walk beside me, Not behind me! by Xtaabay

Yeah, I had an ex-girlfriend that used to say that to me. But if you saw her ass, you'd walk behind her too. I think if she could have, she would have walked behind herself. Her keister was just that cute.

grayku by Senna Jawa

I have nothing to say about this title, but I liked it. Christ, I must be slipping.

O juice by stargirl32

... you are sooo guilty. If I ever get in trouble can I borrow your lawyers?

Can you bring me a cookie? by Xtaabay

I did it all for the nookie
so take the cookie
and shove it up your ass
shove it up your ass.

What the hell is that song about? Is it about anal sex? Or is it about being pissed that you didn't get the nookie? I have no idea, but Kid Rock (a Detroiter, sort of) is the modern Edsel, I think.

Fear of the multiple orgasm? by Xtaabay

Don't we all fear severe dehydration? It leads to scary visions like burning bushes or humping buffaloes or Drew Carey in bed with a beautiful woman. As an aside, if I call a woman a cocksucker, I'm saying she's desirable (you'll understand if you read the poem), and I once knew a woman called Ballsucker Sue. What if someone called Johnny Cash that?

Boy, Xtaabay has been very, very busy. There were a couple others I thought of mentioning, but I didn't want people to think I was playing favorites. I think she writes great titles. My apologies if my jokes fell flat, I fear that my parents may have permanently damaged my sense of humor.

 

[Angeline]

LMAO

Gosh Kdog, it's good to have you back! I always forget how much fun it is when you do the title thingy.

I just had to postscript that Xtaabay's "Can you bring me a cookie?" makes me think of the children's book "If you give a mouse a cookie," but the content is so very different.

 

[Guest]

Re: I survived Detroit!!!

Anyhow, it's good to be home.
.

Spinning Color by Xtaabay

The last time I dropped acid, I was fascinated by the spinning colors of a daiquiri machine. Later, I was fascinated and horrified by the Teletubbies. But that's another story.

Walk beside me, Not behind me! by Xtaabay

Yeah, I had an ex-girlfriend that used to say that to me. But if you saw her ass, you'd walk behind her too. I think if she could have, she would have walked behind herself. Her keister was just that cute.

Fear of the multiple orgasm? by Xtaabay

Don't we all fear severe dehydration? It leads to scary visions like burning bushes or humping buffaloes or Drew Carey in bed with a beautiful woman. As an aside, if I call a woman a cocksucker, I'm saying she's desirable (you'll understand if you read the poem), and I once knew a woman called Ballsucker Sue. What if someone called Johnny Cash that?

Boy, Xtaabay has been very, very busy. There were a couple others I thought of mentioning, but I didn't want people to think I was playing favorites. I think she writes great titles. My apologies if my jokes fell flat, I fear that my parents may have permanently damaged my sense of humor.

Titles are like fishing lures -- you use them to attract attention and reel things in.

Teletubbies would scare anyone.
Hehehe.... Maybe I *am* dehydrated.... you mentioned the burning bush thing (see my poem about fire). Although, I'm glad to say I've never humped a buffalo, or slept with Drew Carey. If I ever do, I hope I stop writing poetry. Heck, I hope I drop dead.
---Xtaabay

 

[_Land]

K-Dog, good ta see ya cutting up again.....
dont bleed to death ~



_Land

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Re: I survived Detroit!!!

Titles are like fishing lures -- you use them to attract attention and reel things in.

Teletubbies would scare anyone.
Hehehe.... Maybe I *am* dehydrated.... you mentioned the burning bush thing (see my poem about fire). Although, I'm glad to say I've never humped a buffalo, or slept with Drew Carey. If I ever do, I hope I stop writing poetry. Heck, I hope I drop dead.
---Xtaabay

You clearly need to read some of my prose, Xtaabay. May I suggest Tele-Parabolized Hyperkarma? Might change your mind about those... Teletubbies... *creepy shiver*

 

[Guest]

teletubbies and Vonegut

You clearly need to read some of my prose, Xtaabay. May I suggest Tele-Parabolized Hyperkarma? Might change your mind about those... Teletubbies... *creepy shiver*

Just read it. Geez... you're right up there with Vonegut. Although, I never said I DIDN'T think they were creepy. I agree with you. You know, I never saw them until I heard all the fuss--you know, the purple one being gay and having a purse fetish, or some such thing. So I decided to see it for myself one day. I have to say, the way they mumble and coo to each other is... well... really... um... freaky. The surreal landscaping doesn't help either. But I do like the fuzzy bunny that nibbles on the plastic flowers and astroturf. I wonder if it was someone's conception of what would happen several thousand years after nuclear war.
--Xtaabay

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: teletubbies and Vonegut

Just read it. Geez... you're right up there with Vonegut. Although, I never said I DIDN'T think they were creepy. I agree with you. You know, I never saw them until I heard all the fuss--you know, the purple one being gay and having a purse fetish, or some such thing. So I decided to see it for myself one day. I have to say, the way they mumble and coo to each other is... well... really... um... freaky. The surreal landscaping doesn't help either. But I do like the fuzzy bunny that nibbles on the plastic flowers and astroturf. I wonder if it was someone's conception of what would happen several thousand years after nuclear war.
--Xtaabay

This is a fact:

The cute fuzzy bunnies are as large as "small lambs" and are "bred especially" for the show. They're built that way so that they'll appear, compared with the Teletubbies (adult performers in costumes), closer to child/bunny proportions.

I've once read this about the Teletubbies and their territory:
"Though it lacks the forced, noxious gaiety of Barny, Teletubbies seems like a wicked satirist's idea of a horrible children's program watched in a future concocted by Huxley or Orwell or Gibson. They are reminiscent of the mutants in David Cronenberg's The Brood, and you can only stare and think: well they must have been designed to upset us. It's a dare. Marilyn Manson's calculated shock tactics seem phony compared to these psychedelic teddy bears (a warning: do not play The Dope Show over Teletubbies with the volume off)."

I must confess. The Teletubbies scare the living shit out of me.

 

[sideshow_cecil]

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Thanks for the mention of my deluded incoherent rambling.

woohoo!

love a good douglas adams reference, especially when it doesn't involve towels (too obvious)

 

[Angeline]

Tubby Custard Mess

The writer, Paul Rudnick, is a very funny guy. When the good Reverend Jerry Falwell came out with his Treatise on Teletubbies, which he clearly developed while on sabbatical on Neptune, Rudnick posted the following in the Talk of the Town Section of New Yorker magazine. (I always knew if I waited long enough I'd have the opportunity to show this to somebody.)

Tinky Winky Was My Lover

I didn't just watch Tinky's TV show, I bought the books, each title more arousing than the last—"Dipsy Dances," "Four Happy Teletubbies,"—culminating in the inevitable erotic explosion of "Tubby Custard Mess." I wanted Tinky, I wanted him bad, as he group-hugged and cavorted through the greensward of Teletubbyland, swinging a red purse…I should add that Tinky was not my first celebrity crush. I'd spent a few torrid years experimenting with Eeyore, Barbar, and the exhausting Curious George, and I can thank Viagra for that Catskill's weekend with The Little Engine That Could."

Paul Rudnick— "The Talk of the Town" --The New Yorker, March 8

 

[Lauren Hynde]

woohoo!

love a good douglas adams reference, especially when it doesn't involve towels (too obvious)

Many words and expressions which only a matter of decades ago were considered so distastefully explicit that, were they merely to be breathed in public, the perpetrator would be shunned, barred from polite society, and in extreme cases shot through the lungs, are now thought to be very healthy and proper, and their use in everyday speech and writing is evidence of a well-adjusted, relaxed and totally un****ed-up personality. I'm a firm believer that one day, every sentence anyone will need to say will be a Douglas Adams reference. Except if you're talking about the Teletubbies. In that case you might have to quote Revelations.

 

[stargirl32]

Re: I survived Detroit!!!

O juice by stargirl32

... you are sooo guilty. If I ever get in trouble can I borrow your lawyers?

*looking guilty.. * shhhhh Kdog ,, i wore latex protection.... but heres the number 555 guilty as sin ,

for a miserly few million dollers they will get you of any charge ...

 

[karmadog]

I cannot tell a lie

(unless it will get me laid)

I slipped Falwell the tab that made him want Tinky. Not to mention Weinke, the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers.

Seriously though...

There was a Teletubbies that featured the letter 'E' falling from the sky. Goood Goooddd, what could that mean???


Maybe I just hang with the wrong crowd.

 

[Guest]

Re: I cannot tell a lie

(unless it will get me laid)

I slipped Falwell the tab that made him want Tinky. Not to mention Weinke, the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers.

Seriously though...

There was a Teletubbies that featured the letter 'E' falling from the sky. Goood Goooddd, what could that mean???


Maybe I just hang with the wrong crowd.

Could mean "e" for "eternity" --as in "eternal damnation", for example. Or perhaps "e" for "ether", which is what one wants in order to be relieved of such disturbing images. Maybe even "e" for extreme... which is what the teletubbies are (and don't ask "extremely what?" because there are many possibilities there). Other "e" words that come to mind when watching such a show are:
evacuate,
eradicate,
excruciating,
and exterminate.
(in no particular order)

However, in a sickly ironic twist, and much to all of our horror, it could be "e" for exegisis, thus implying that the show actually has some sort of explanation/interpretation. We could take this further and say that this exegisis is somehow divine, since it falls from the sky, seemingly from nowhere. The Divine Exegisis of the Teletubbies. How's THAT for a Halloween scare?! (I know you'll all be wide awake tonight, hiding under your covers with the light on).

--Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: I cannot tell a lie

Could mean "e" for "eternity" --as in "eternal damnation", for example. Or perhaps "e" for "ether", which is what one wants in order to be relieved of such disturbing images. Maybe even "e" for extreme... which is what the teletubbies are (and don't ask "extremely what?" because there are many possibilities there). Other "e" words that come to mind when watching such a show are:
evacuate,
eradicate,
excruciating,
and exterminate.
(in no particular order)

However, in a sickly ironic twist, and much to all of our horror, it could be "e" for exegisis, thus implying that the show actually has some sort of explanation/interpretation. We could take this further and say that this exegisis is somehow divine, since it falls from the sky, seemingly from nowhere. The Divine Exegisis of the Teletubbies. How's THAT for a Halloween scare?! (I know you'll all be wide awake tonight, hiding under your covers with the light on).

--Xtaabay

Sorry... think I spelled that wrong. I think it might be exegEsis... with (yet) another "E". Apologies.
--Xtaabay

 

[Angeline]

And then there's

Excrement

but I like

Egads!

as in:

"Egads! Turn that excrement off and read a book!"


(It was bad enough that I had to deal with my kids liking that moronically treackly purple dinosaur. (not that they'll admit it now.) And did anyone else ever notice how old some of the kids on that show looked? One girl on there looked older than my son and he's in high school for chrissake and he hasn't danced around singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt for years. Years I tell you! The misbegotten midget baby masqueraders with the--shudder--tv bellies were banned at my house. )

 

[karmadog]

eckse... exag... exogesus... the hell with it

Don't feel too bad, Xtaabay, I had to look it up to find out what it meant. The theory amongst the club kid types was that the creators of the Teletubbies are Extacy fans. I think that's credible, although I think they are more likely taking some sort of intense hallucinogen.

My dog, having spent the last few days at the kennel, is pissed off at me. She's been ignoring me cruelly, the bitch. I guess I can understand it. I leave her for five days, then come home smelling of another dog. I was thinking the other day (rare, I know) about the old comedy routine about how our dogs must think we're the greatest hunters in the world. You go to the grocery store and an hour later you come home with several kinds of meat. What I wonder is, What kind of animal do they think kibble comes from? It's pretty scary to imagine that beast.

Know It Alls by Rybka

Ah, the walking dickshunarey people. I love 'em. Whenever I have a question, I can ask them. Of course, they're almost always wrong, but at least there's an answer.

Drawing in the Aires by smithpeter

Is that short for 'Airedales'? If so, I recommend turkey necks. If they go bad, they work for blue crabs, too.

Breathing Without Oxygen by Angeline

I do that all the time, but then, I'm a fern , but I wish I was cannabis or camellia. Everybody wants to be something other than what they are.

Happy 73rd anniversary to Black Tuesday!