Freakin' good titles!

[karmadog]

You probably didn't notice, but I was off-line for a few days. Senor Dipshit here forgot to pay his phone bill. You know how it is, I had no stamps and I kept forgetting to take the bill with me when I went out and I never remembered to buy stamps, so... You know, one of the things that really sucks about the South is that you can't keep normal stamps in the house. The humidity makes them stick together. I think it's just a plot to keep us down, man.

Well, I mean it was a plot, until they invented the lickless stamp. Poor stamp, with no licks in it's life. Never to feel the warm, slick rasp of a tongue on it's ass.

A Dream of Ocean Wine - A Sonnet by JUDO

It tastes OK, but it's too salty to use for anything but cooking.

Coney Island Laundry Room by Angeline

Isn't a coney a rabbit of some kind? I hope so, because I'm picturing a bunch of bare-assed rabbits watching their puffy little tails spin around in a dryer.

Thoughts of An Odd Fish by Rybka

It takes a village to inseminate my roe.

Beware the teeth of the lending fish.

We all live in a yellow airplane
a yellow airplane

Spring-Heel Jack by malefic

Superhuman? Or just an early Michael Jordan? Google it.

The Angel Does Perch by homerjay

Does Rybka know about this?

The Little Death by botticelliangel

What you're left with after taxes. Vive l'IRS!

Toodles, titleicious typers!

 

[JUDO]

A Dream of Ocean Wine - A Sonnet by JUDO

It tastes OK, but it's too salty to use for anything but cooking.

After your brief tirade on lickless stamps, I imagined a champion of oral. Now, I'm confused. Has the belly dancer never tasted your taster?

Coney Island Laundry Room by Angeline

Isn't a coney a rabbit of some kind? I hope so, because I'm picturing a bunch of bare-assed rabbits watching their puffy little tails spin around in a dryer.

With confused wide-eyed stares at the sudden onset of desert summer. lol.

 

[Angeline]

kdog baby!

You're back! I wondered where the hell you were. And thanks for the mention. You're absolutely right. It was rabbits. Not me. Rabbits.

 

[karmadog]

Judo, the Turkish belly dancer does not like me.

Well, Christmas is almost here and I'd like to say to the dang Christians who say that the holiday is about Jesus that they don't know what they're talking about. According to the most recent scholarship, they don't even know what year The Nailed One was born, let alone the day. So the Christians took a pagan holiday and co-opted it. So really we're celebrating some sort of pagan mid-winter celebration. For all we know we're celebrating the wonder of snowball fights, or the great goddes Nog and her eggs. Or the Tannin' of the Evil Baums ass. Who knows? But whatever this god or goddess's name is, I'm sure they personify inappropriate makeouts.

Oh I'm sure that somebody out there will say, You doofus, it's the celebration of [insert name of Roman/Greek/Nordic/whatever god here]. But who did they steal the it from? I say we all just relax, have a drink, and swap spit with our bosses or our spouse's sibling.

Bloody Xmas by Basforte

Santa's back and he's got a chainsaw!!!

Love Is Like A Fire by BOUND BY IVY21

Every rose has a thorn.

Man, You've Got A Hole In Your Head by littlemissblair

The Dixie Chicks get out of jail.

everybody's stravinsky by Senna Jawa

I thought everybody was a critic. Or was everybody unique (in their own way, of course). Ah well, everybody where's many hats.

Noccalula Falls by WriterDom

She bop-a-lula at Noccalula.

sex, middle age and religion by smithpeter

Karnak opens the envelope and says, "What are three things that karmadog doesn't get."

Bless me for I have sinned by femmepen

"...it has been my 37 years since my last confession. I have taken the Lord's name in vain 54,768 times, I have disrespected my father 27,011 times, I have cursed so many times that Andrew Dice Clay comes to me for new words, and I have spent so much time masturbating that infinity doesn't seem like such a large number."

"Say five Hail Marys and wash your hands."

Bottled Water by smithpeter

...is made from karmadog snow.

Merry Cunnilingus and Happy Holes!!!

 

[karmadog]

Well, the holidays are almost over. I hope none of you slaughtered your kin (strangers at the mall are fair game), and that your children didn't swallow any small toys. Most of all, I hope your kids didn't get the Spiderman Web Blaster. To be truthful, I would have loved that toy when I was a kid, and I wouldn't mind one now, but my sister tells me that the stringy stuff that it shoots is kind of difficult to clean up. Not to mention if you have more than one kid that got this thing, your house probably looks like the Addam's family mansion. My sister tells me that when I visit next, me and the neph can have a Spiderman web battle. In the park. In someone else's neighborhood.

Strawberry Kim by smithpeter

Isn't she the girl with the big red birthmark on her neck? Hangs out with Ballsucker Sue who, well, y'all know about her.

Dickie-doo by fingers_larue

I don't nickname mine, but if I did, it wouldn't be that. It implies the belly that goes with the dickie-doo award. You know, when your gut sticks out farther than your dickie-doo. Maybe throbbing love gristle. No, people just leave the gristle on the edge of the plate then feed it to the dog. I think I'll call mine Nasty Medicine. Swallow it quick. It's good for you.

The Muses go home for Christmas by WriterDom

I can just picture them: Calliope annoying the shit out of everybody by singing 'Jingle Bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg' over and over, while Clio tells long, boring stories about the economic roots of the Athenian/Spartan conflict (in verse), Euterpe constantly pounds on the drum set she got for Xmas, Melpomene weeps in the corner because 'it's all so tragic', Polyhymnia reminds everybody that the season is about mangers and babies and they should all go to Mass, Terpsichore gets drunk and starts using the tree as a stripper's pole (getting pine needles in uncomfortable places), Thalia tells racist jokes, Erato makes out with five or six mortals and a godling, and Urania tells everyone they're going to Hades.

Death Happens by silken_dreammaid

The less well known t-shirt based on what Forrest Gump said after Robin Wright died.

What Has Got Rot? by Rybka

Your teeth if you don't got milk.

All I want for Xmas is a quickie by silken_dreammaid

I got a girlfriend that for Xmas once. She was lying. She wanted a whole lot more: diamonds and gold, dinner for two, lots of romantic bullshit, and the new album by Cocteau Twins. Still, she said it was the best two minutes of her week.

blue bottle, blue by smithpeter

I think this one is about a fly suffering existential angst over his short life span. But I'm not sure.

Tonight I Touched Heaven by bigbear8

Me too, but then J Lo slapped me. Maybe if I had just touched it instead of slapping it and screaming, "I'd ride that like it was a rodeo bull and hope to stay on for 8 seconds!"

that fish by smithpeter

A failed sitcom about a fish that goes to New York City to make it big. Noted mainly for the small screen debut of Marlin Thomas. If you were born after 1970, ask your Mom.

Mother's Meadow Memories by JUDO

My mother's meadow memories are probably about the time the dog rolled in cowflop. My dog was her dog that day.

I'm off to karaoke. Any requests? (besides shutup.)

 

[karmadog]

Ah, the New Year. So full of promise, so full of possibilities. I will make no resolutions this year, as my resolution last year was to make no more resolutions. I finally found one I could keep. The secondary part of that resolution was to honor no resolutions that I've ever made, so now I'm in a quandary. A small quandary, sort of a quandary hut, but the rent's cheap.

I will, however, be eating black-eyed peas and cabbage with a coin under my plate. I've never tried this southern tradition designed to guarantee prosperity, but since I'm not prosperous, I figure what the hell. It can't hurt.

The child inside by Goldiloxxx

I think the wolf is masquerading as Goldiloxxx, now. I guess Grandma just wasn't that filling.

Hours So Wee by malefic

If you say this one right, it sounds like you're calling a hog.

Superfood by Lovegrrl

Twinkies. Don't believe me? Give two of 'em to your kids and see if they get superpowers or not.

Instead of Oil by Lovegrrl

There's gotta be a joke here involving a dipstick or the Middle East or being left with just the vinegar, but I must be slipping.

My Bike by Lovegrrl

Is that three in a row by Lovegrrl? She's doing great with her titles. My bike is still fucked up from the crash when I dislocated my shoulder, but why shouldn't it be? My shoulder is still fucked up. I have to warm up to throw the squeaky football to my dog (no that's not a euphemism).

Clara's Stone by smithpeter

Clara, nee Carl, could only afford a partial sex change operation. She kept one lonely stone in a jar, the other between her buttcheeks.

Now I am thinking about your freckles by fleetaft

Well, I'm a quarter Irish, but apparently all 25% is skin and liver. Really, in the summer, I only have one freckle, but it covers my entire body. Sometimes it is mistaken for a tan. But not by dermatologists.

Zeno of Citium, Titanium Fluff by smithpeter

I don't get it. Does that mean that Zeno is a homosexual with an erection?

I shall be vitriolic by adunola

I shall be alcoholic. At least on New Year's Eve.

the boiling ice cream by Senna Jawa

I misread this. I thought it said 'the boil ice cream'. I don't even think Ben and Jerry's would make that variety. At least I hope not. I don't know what they'd call it, but it would have cherries and marshmallow. Blecch.

My Doctor Asked by cactiphile

My doctor asked if I caught that from you? Did you catch it from him? I'm not paying my bill.

This thread will probably surpass 10,000 views today or tomorrow.

edited to say: no it won't. karmadog is a doofus.

 

[Rybka]

one for Kdog

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi!

He glared at me and started writing another ticket;
for having bald tires!!

So I called him a pile of horse shit!

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

BUT. . .






I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. This one belongs to that poet that lets his dog shit in my yard everyday.

 

[karmadog]

Good one, fishy. My yard is fenced so I guess I'm the guy letting his dog shit in my yard.

I'll have to find another excuse to use that one.

 

[OT]

Machine Generated Poetry (plus one)

The many many new poems posted lately provided fun fodder for this amusing exercise of taking the titles and arranging them in a somewhat meaningful, almost poetic, way.

I managed to use almost all of the titles that appeared on the
first page.

Apologies to authors for "using" their titles.

Making Love
Oh How Good
As Old As
Someday Man

Woefully Inadequate
An Affair Of The Mind
Instant Message Lover
Don't touch
Desire

A Slick Sticky Mesh
Why Is Love So Hard
No Virgins
Against Daybreak

A Wondering Soul Mate
One Of The Lucky Ones
When She Knocks
Pleasure
Come Again?

Night's Passions
wild nights
Darkness and Dreams
Where Shadows Lie
Anything but what it seems

Delusions in a high... flying
Spell of Seduction
Got Monkeys' on my Back
White Mistress
Color coded
Damned to the Black Lake

Primal
Slave
Pain
I Lust
A Philosophical Fucking Answer
Give me
Slave No More

A Reverse
Hand in Hand
A Match Made In Heaven
Waiting
State Street Bridge

The Taste of Sex and Tears
Dreaming of a Fine Wine
humility being soup
this gardener's insecurity
Life is a Trench

 

[Cordelia]

Nice one, OT!

I am sure there was a thread for "found poems" but I have been too busy to look for it. I like this one, OT.

I love the idea of seeing poetry in words that are already there.

Thanks for bringing a smile to my face.



Cordelia.

 

[karmadog]

This is my first post of the new year on this thread. Thank goodness OT picked up the slack for me. Great poem, by the way. I particularly liked the line:

No Virgins
Against Daybreak

I went to the hospital the other day with a swollen and nearly immobile shoulder. It turns out I have a large bone chip that apparently migrated into the joint. I may not be a famous quarterback, but I play one in the X-ray room.

pissing out a kidney stone poem by WriterDom

I saw a guy at the hospital with kidney stones. I don't think it was WriterDom, though. This guy wasn't writing a poem or spanking a nurse, he was crying like a baby (not that I blame the guy, I'm told these things hurt like hell).

Got Monkeys' On My Back by tmt

The punctuation on this is problematic. The first line says 'monkey's on my back'. I can't help but wonder just what Monkey has put on his back. In any case, I once had a monkey on my back. Got lice. And the little fucker wouldn't groom 'em out for me. I mean really! I picked his!

A Philosophical Fucking Answer by Imagica

If the answer was 'A Philosophical Fucking', I wonder what the question was. "What did Nietzhe give Ayn Rand?"

A Limerick For Martini by Bitch Boy

I usually prefer a lemon twist, but I guess at this bar they have those dirty novelty napkins. You know, I used to work at this bar where the owner bought up a bunch of party supplies from a bankrupt party store. We used those napkins until a waitress gave a particularly virulent one to a preacher's kid with his Roy Rogers.

Analimerick by itsoktolust

Yeah, that's the one.

Erotica One by bellypoet

Sounds like a naughty take off on Capricorn One (remember that movie?). In this one, they discover that one of the actresses fakes orgasm.

I have to say, this injury is probably more bothersome to my dog than to me. Every time I step outdoors, she jumps up and hits me in the chest with her green squeaky football: jump... squeak... jump... squeak Cut it out, Karma jump... squeak... Dammit, Karma, I can't throw the ball!!! Please stop.

Eventually, I run for the house and hide. But outside the window: squeak, squeakity-squeak, squeakity, squeeeeaaaak

It's making me crazy!

 

[karmadog]

So I went to the bar last night. I didn't try to pick up women. I didn't karaoke. Didn't really do anything by normal people's standards. All I did was watch the football games with a couple of friends. I had the best time. My predictions were all correct and I won a few cocktails. Well, beers actually, but whisky makes me stupid and horny. Trying to get laid would have ruined my fun because the only cute girl there was with her husband. Curse him.

The Old Blue Sofa by foxinsox

I used to have an old blue sofa. I got it when the dorms emptied out at the end of my first year in college. Under the seat cushions, I found 56 cents, a copy of the Iliad, a condom (thankfully, still in the wrapper), and a porn mag. I thought that was pretty funny.

clouds of iron by 03sp

When they finally burst, the rain knocked me cold and dented the hell out of my car.

Eating a Lemon by ElvenAngel

You have to squeeze a few lemons to make an omelet. No that's not it. When life gives you lemons, make a martini. No. Take all you want, but squeeze all you take. No.

sit down, shut up and hang on by foxinsox

I used this line once, but I got slapped. It was our 2nd anniversary...

FreezeDried Sonnet by Cordelia

Perfect for camping, just add water.

Bad Combinations by foxinsox

Beer and whipped cream. Peas and chocolate. Madonna and movies. Church and State. Ex Lax and cheese.

Luffing Sheet to Point Break by The Poets

Isn't a 'luffer' the woman that keeps pornstars hard between takes? Or is it a bad golfer? I don't know, but I don't want either one luffing on my sheets. Not even at Point Break. Which is in Puget Sound, I think.

carpet squares by 03sp

Slightly less good than Rice Krispies squares. They always give me rug burns on my tongue.

Stupidity Is Too Fast by MyOpinion

I don't know if Stupidity is too fast, or I am too slow. Either way, it's always catching up with me.

ankle length spite by 03sp

I misread this as 'ankle length sprite. I wasn't sure if it referred to the elfin pixie sort of thing or the soda. In any case, how long is an ankle? My exgirlfriend had long ankles, or so they seemed. I guess they were just slim.

tattooed wedding Band-Aid covered by 03sp

I'm hoping that it was a small bridal party, otherwise that would be one big tattoo, and one big Band-Aid.

Seriously, though. I once went to a biker wedding. I never saw anything so strange as these huge, hairy, tat covered bikers in their satin bridesmaid dresses. Great party, though, but I'm still glad I brought a date. Those biker chicks could hurt a man.

 

[karmadog]

So I was doing my laundry today. You'd think that would be a fairly safe pastime, but not for the 'dog!

The light in my laundry room burned out, so I went to unscrew the decorative nut that holds the glass whatchamacallit that diffuses the light. I, being a damn genius, dropped the globe thingie from a height above my head, then watched it all the way down to where it broke on my left foot. Naturally, that hurt, so I jumped up in the air. I landed with my right foot on one of the large pieces of glass which promptly shattered. So I ended up with, thankfully, small cuts on the top of my left foot and on the bottom of my right foot.

I cannot stress enough what an idiot I am.

Safely Spooned by *annie*

Clearly, for me, there could be no such thing. Although 'spooning' is the thing I think I miss most about having a girlfriend, I cannot forget the ungroomed toenail gashes, nor the icy feet in the back, nor the snuggling against the neck that cuts off the airflow. Ever the romantic cynic am I.

A Chorus of Droplets by JUDO

When sperm sing. I wonder how mine would do on American (or Pop) Idol. Not well, I'd imagine. I have a feeling Abdul and Cowell would fight over them.

gentleman at rest by 03sp

Considering my born-again virgin status, this more correctly describes my droplets.

Sousa Gets Inspiration by JUDO

If he had JUDO to inspire him, he would have been writing James Brown songs: I'm a Sex Machine! I jump back! Kiss Myself!

Holding the Swing of Childhood Time by MyOpinion

My favorite title today. But I am always alarmed at children with their tiny shirts pulled open to their waists with a horn of italy pendant hanging on their chests. Or wearing tube tops and such.

glass is thin by 03sp

Nothing worse than a bony glass.

Southern Snow by WriterDom

Actually, I was discussing this very subject tonight. My friend said that only a rolled hundred or better would do, I said a cheap bar straw was ok.

spider fragmented by silken_dreammaid

After I swat one, I can never seem to find all the pieces, either.

My Day in Quart by MyOpinion

I spent a day in a quart. Well, really she could only fit a liter, but close enough. I didn't think I could eat that much ice cream.

moonglasses (original, 1990) by Senna Jawa

If only my glasses were large enough, or my ass small enough, I would myopically moon the world. And would have done since before 1990. [aside to SJ, are you sure you didn't know the karmadog when you wrote that?]

Eighteen and Regretting It by TheEarl

I remember the first time I voted, too. (Seriously, TheEarly would, I think, like some feedback on his first poem. If you have time, he deserves some.)

Vegas Vacation, Alaska Style by MyOpinion

I bet that grizzly is the next one to catch Chevy Chase. [Aside to Opi: If you drew to an inside straight, you deserved to lose. Bad bet.]

Super-Duper Party Pooper by JUDO

Never fear! I am coming with my party pooper scooper!!!

naked tent by WickedEve

On a particularly hard day, I might pitch a denim tent, but that's just me.

Exquisite Possum by WickedEve and exquisite possum by smithpeter

I think this poem is about me, but then, I think that every poem is about me. All I know is that Eve has frightened me enough a couple of times to curl up like a possum. Yet I taste exquisite eaten like sashimi. Roll me in seaweed with rice and wasabi. Sashimisheeatme.

Tub Love by bellypoet

This has deep meaning in the South where high school boys can't wait til they achieve a beer belly like their Daddy. And their girlfriends aren't far behind.

My friend's dog had puppies two weeks ago today. Wish them a happy b'day. Puppies are a daily miracle that don't take eighteen or 38 (or more) years to grow up. And they'll never require college tuition.

 

[WickedEve]

Fixing smithpeter's possum: exquisite possum

I want to frighten you, kdog. It's such a delightful pastime.

 

[WickedEve]

Fixing smithpeter's possum: exquisite possum

I want to frighten you, kdog. It's such a delightful pastime.

Something odd is going on with smithpeter's possum link. Whenever I fix it, it changes. The link should end with numbers but when I post it, it changes to ***

I've edited this several times because it won't let me even use these numbers for some reason. It keeps changing to ***

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The exact same thing happened before with someone, a few months ago... I think it was Xtaabay, in the challenges' thread.

One of those big Literotica enigmas no one will ever quite understand.

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[JUDO]

Sousa Gets Inspiration by JUDO

If he had JUDO to inspire him, he would have been writing James Brown songs: I'm a Sex Machine! I jump back! Kiss Myself!

*waggin' my tail*
Thanks for the multiple mentions, doggie-woggie. Now, here's a kibble to nibble. No, no, poochie...
Lick, don't bite.

 

[OT]

"poems" created from the most recent titles.

=== untitled titles 1 ===

Suckling Moonlight
Camp Site In Blue
Do I lean against my rock?
Omnipotent Cricket
for now
Answer In Disguise

Kingdom of Pleasure
I am...
Center of
summer's eve
Soft Murmurs
An Appetite For Ecstacy
Glimpse Craving
power animal

an angular shadow
star drenched
rising sun in my soul
Tantric Sex
Knees to Shoulders
Paradise
aft of yawn
Total Bliss

Where Do You Go?
In the Rain
In the Night
Wet Footwear
Sigh

=== untitled titles 2 ===

Garbage Goods
My Job
just a truck
Home at Last
Wanna Fuck
Once...
Just To Know You're Alive

=== untitled titles 3 ===

reflections
reveal
Empty Illusion
broken blinds
broken blinds
Departure
love lost
Broken Blinds
Broken Blinds
Love and Hate
broken blinds
broken blinds
You have asked to sleep with my dreams
Broken Blinds
Broken Blinds
Butterfly
Inner Child
Broken Blinds

=== untitled titles 4 ===

Love in a chat room
Do not...
Tease
I Like It
First
Feather Soft

The Spanking
Five Strophs
As My Boyfriend Strokes
The Wolf has Found her Mate
Sex
cicada hum
I'm a mean movin moma

 

[Angeline]

Title Poems

Masterful work, OT, but that 3rd poem is a little repetitive...

 

[OT]

Re: Title Poems

Masterful work, OT, but that 3rd poem is a little repetitive...

I was wondering if anyone would notice that I (unintentionally) didn't use all of the Broken Blinds titles.

To the author of "Broken Blinds" and also to the author of "Broken Blinds",
I apologize for not using your titles. I hope you do not feel slighted

 

[Angeline]

Thank you for including the one I wrote.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Re: Title Poems

I was wondering if anyone would notice that I (unintentionally) didn't use all of the Broken Blinds titles.

To the author of "Broken Blinds" and also to the author of "Broken Blinds",
I apologize for not using your titles. I hope you do not feel slighted

bastard...

 

[karmadog]

In honor of the approaching St. eViLentine's Day (designed to celebrate the wonders of Love--and then utterly destroy it), I took the dateability quiz at TheSpark.com. It seems that I am 63% dateable, but 77% of the population is more dateable than I am. I have animal magentism, but literally. I attract small animals. Judging by the number of kittens abandoned in my yard, that seems to be true, but they may not have wanted to come here. I suspect people are throwing them over the fence to feed to my dog.

So then, realizing that I'm an idiot for taking an internet test to determine such a thing, I took the Sense test to see if I had any, but it was just to find out how powerful your senses are. Average. Ho hum.

So then I took the pick up test and discovered the answer:

You're cold and unapproachable, like a big glacier that's unapproachable. And cold. Unlike the Arctic tundra, few even venture to plant their flag in you. You're definitely not a Scorpio, unless you were born between October 23 and November 21. The bad news is that you'll end up miserable and alone, probably knitting doilies out of cat hair. The good news is that this is apparently what you want. Honestly, I don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now, so I'm just gonna go… yeah… wash my friend's hair.

That last part scared the crap out of me because I don't like cats. I hope I don't end up shaving the kittens abandoned on my property.

Bitter and confused, I went to the new poems list to see if I could find some titles. Since I was bitter and confused, very little appealed to me. This should not be taken as a reflection on any poets skills at titling, but rather as a commentary on my bitter, pathetic, undateability, and unpickupedness.

Still, other than 'Shadow Theater' which is a good title, but horribly trite and overused after being chosen by nearly every poet on the site, there were two, both by 03sp.

black cave begin

Yet another misreading by me. I thought it said 'black cave beguine', which is very different. I would think that people would be bumping into each other all over the place, but then I'm a clumsy dancer in a well-lit room with a dance floor not covered in stalagmites (those are the ones on the floor aren't they?).

men as dogs

Yes, I thought it was about me, but it's not. Neither a morsel, nor the morsel of another, am I.

Speaking of which, well, I'm not, but have you seen that in India, they are offering men who undergo a vasectomy a free bicycle? Most men, when they hear this, say, "Great! Another thing I can't use for a while."

Actually, if they gave them the bicycle first, they might not need to go through the vasectomy. A couple of slips onto that cruel, cruel bar and there can be some long term damage. Why do the men's bikes have that thing anyhow? That's just poor engineering.

 

[WickedEve]

kdog, I should not have read this first thing in the morning. I hurt myself laughing. I think I wet myself too. I'm happy and wet - the way I like it.