Gunfight: UnderYourSpell vs. Nerk

[CharleyH]

Okay, JUDGMENTS IN ... posting!

 

[CharleyH]

The decision is final!

From Chippy:

Poem 1

lovely meter throughout this 8-lined, 3-versed piece that adheres to the rhyme-scheme and makes full use of nonsense words without losing any of its meaning. this write embodies droll passion wrapped in humour and puts me in mind of dallying courtiers in days of yore.

I'd have liked to have seen a comma after 'fussock' in each last line, making me read that with the slight pause enough to make for 3 actions, though my brain filled that in regardless - so, if the author intended it to be read with 'fussock moan' as one action, i admit to preferring my own interpretation. some small attention to punctuation in a few other spots would crisp this little gem up even further, imo, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to smooth out the rhythm of this line:

driven extroven in thy lair

.
one line that really had me giggling aloud was:

my courtell in will not come out

overall, with time restrictions enough to scare the pants of most of us here, a witty, smart, and fair saucy write!


Poem 2

the author of this write has followed the rhyme-scheme and gone with ten iambic lines per verse, so 1 additional rhyming couplet per verse when compared with its rival write. i don't find the absence of most punctuation a problem, as the line-breaks are doing their job well enough for me still to make sense of where each thought ends.

i did find myself stumbling every now and then with the meter, for example this line:

When her eyelids flutter we all

and found myself placing the stress unusually on the 'gen' of 'oxygen' in order to make it scan as intended. any awkwardness to this, though, dissolves as the reps kick in. i also found myself tripping up and having to adjust my out-louding throughout v.2. this might be more a matter of dialect, though, since accents often lead to different pronunciations and timing differences when it comes to phrasing.

clever use of rhyming with 'vigil' and 'it'll' in v3, and some beautiful sentiments at the end, eschewing the maudlin with a light touch. as a poem, i really enjoyed this - how the narrator's voice describes to me the fuss and needs and hassle of what's needing doing whilst holding up the contrasting calm of the vigil. it is softly poignant at its close.
having said that, this poem branches off from the requirements of the write that state the need to use nonsense/invented words throughout the verses.

-----

so, i have to go for poem 1 for fulfilling the brief more thoroughly than poem 2, but would like to stress that both poems were well worth the reading and i applaud both the dudes for their creativeness!

From Lauren Hynde:

I'd like to start by saying that Poem #2 is a remarkable work and it really struck a chord for me. Had come across both of these poems in different circumstances, outside the scope of this challenge, it would have probably captured by attention with a tighter grip than that of Poem #1. In part because of its more sombre subject matter and tone, in part because of the liberties it takes with the structure proposed, if feels like a more ambitious piece of writing. The subtle variations in the chorus couplet at the end of each stanza work out really well. What I don't easily get, however, is the sense of nonsense - either in terms of language, as was required in the formulation of the challenge, or even situationally. And when I say that I don't easily get that sense of nonsense, what I should say is I don't get it at all.

Poem #1, on the other hand, is all about nonsensical wordplay. On a first read, admittedly, I felt a little underwhelmed by how simple and easy it was to understand the words behind the words. On a second read, I felt impressed for the same reasons. It's such a fun poem to read, and it shows it must have been fun to write as well. Structurally, it's virtually spotless, dropping the iambic tetrameter only once that I could see. Poem #2 is a lot less consistent in that regard.

If I had to score both poems - which I do, since I'm a judge - I'd feel compelled to give Poem #2 a point for being a more ambitious and complex poem, but 2 points to Poem #1 for doing a better job of responding to the challenge, both in content and in form. It is my decision that Poem #1 should be the winner of this gunfight.

From Remec:

I think, in terms of the Challenge, that poem 1 is definitely the winner.

Both poems did a very good job, I thought of keeping the rhythm (I had to resort to reciting parts of poem 2 aloud, though, since the enjambment of some of the lines throws me off when just reading it) and working the ending repetition nicely.

Poem 1, however, worked the nonsense words through the stanzas and made them sound like perfectly good words in their own right and not just placeholders for other words as sometimes happens when doing this sort of thing.

By unanimous decision, the judges choose Poem #1 as the winner. Congratulations, UYS!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Gosh! Wow! Thank you
I agree with all you said Chip i.e 'fussock moan' I actually did put the comma in then took it out! and the 'driven extroven in thy lair' is the line I was trying to fiddle with until I suddenly realised what the time was.
I had thought of changing the chorus line slightly in the last stanza but went back and re-read the rules and decided not to.

Well done Nerk you were a worthy opponent and I guess the drinks are on me ....... let the orgy begin!!

 

[CharleyH]

Thanks to both UYS and Nerk for taking part, and also to the judges for their wonderful comments. There are really no winners or losers in the gunfight. It's just plain F'in fun!

 

[butters]

Congratulations, Annie

and i won't say 'commiserations' to nerk as the poem was definitely one that lingers in the memory, so grats to you too, dude!

 

[CharleyH]

let the orgy begin!!

Orgy?

 

[butters]

Gosh! Wow! Thank you
I agree with all you said Chip i.e 'fussock moan' I actually did put the comma in then took it out! and the 'driven extroven in thy lair' is the line I was trying to fiddle with until I suddenly realised what the time was.
I had thought of changing the chorus line slightly in the last stanza but went back and re-read the rules and decided not to.

Well done Nerk you were a worthy opponent and I guess the drinks are on me ....... let the orgy begin!!

driven extroven in thy lair works if read with the natural inflections ignored and placed, instead, on the underlinings shown. i've done it myself in poems, but the reason it tripped me was that the rest was so perfectly metered!

*raises glass to the wordslingers*

orgy? right now? oh my, i haven't a thing to wear!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I read it as driven extrooohven perhaps if I should have spelt it like that

After the orgy there is the small matter of 'setting something up' for the judges to write!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

as a matter of interest Lauren is that the line where I went off the beat and does reading it like that make it any better?

 

[butters]

I read it as driven extrooohven perhaps if I should have spelt it like that

After the orgy there is the small matter of 'setting something up' for the judges to write!

my my, is that the time? taxiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Oh just wanted to add I had noooooooo idea what the poem was going to be about until it started writing itself and the 'Fussocking' word came about before it even meant the obvious, was only on reading through what I had already written did I realise what I had done! hope that makes sense lol

 

[Lauren Hynde]

as a matter of interest Lauren is that the line where I went off the beat and does reading it like that make it any better?

Yes, Annie, that was the line that made me stumble. I wasn't so much worried about "extroven" - I could definitely read it the way you do - but I can't force myself to read "driv-uhn" in any way other than with the stress on the first syllable.

 

[CharleyH]

After the orgy there is the small matter of 'setting something up' for the judges to write!

The judges? Please explain. I think I was the only one who offered to write anything.

Hm. Okay. Lauren and I are travelling to Italy in late September - early October. We are visiting the cities of Salo, Verona, Vicenza and Venice. Pick your city and the form and I promise to have a tale to tell you when we return.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Yes, Annie, that was the line I stumbled on. I wasn't so much worried about "extroven" - I could definitely read it the way you do, but I can't force myself to read "driv-uhn" in any way other than with the stress on the first syllable.

Thanks I want to put it into my submissions and will work on that line before I do

The judges? Please explain. I think I was the only one who offered to write anything.

Hm. Okay. Lauren and I are travelling to Italy in late September - early October. We are visiting the cities of Salo, Verona, Vicenza and Venice. Pick your city and the form and I promise to have a tale to tell you when we return.

They may not have agreed but they're not getting away with it
Wow sounds like a fabulous trip I've only seen Venice while coming in on a cruise ship, which in itself is lovely but didn't have time to look around before flying to Paris en route for home. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.
Will rummage through my list of forms and pick out something fiendish!

 

[CharleyH]

Will rummage through my list of forms and pick out something fiendish!

I don't expect anything less!

 

[nerk]

well done UYS

thanks to Charley

and the judges

next glime i'll
read more
charfoolie

if there is a mecht glime

 

[Remec]

Well done Nerk you were a worthy opponent and I guess the drinks are on me ....... let the orgy begin!!

Orgy?

orgy? right now? oh my, i haven't a thing to wear!

After the orgy there is the small matter of 'setting something up' for the judges to write!

Man...*sigh* I'm late to everything these days...hope y'all haven't worn yourselves out having fun without me.

Something for the judges to write? Was that in the fine print or something? hehehe Alright, bring it on, then!

 

[butters]

...
Something for the judges to write? Was that in the fine print or something? hehehe Alright, bring it on, then!

annie being wicked to us

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'll be backkkkkk

 

[butters]

^ *i's skeered*

 

[UnderYourSpell]

probably won't be till next week ive got a medieval banquet tomorrow night run by the Knights Templars in all their garb oops regalia will take me a day or two to recover from the free wine and mead!

 

[butters]

probably won't be till next week ive got a medieval banquet tomorrow night run by the Knights Templars in all their garb oops regalia will take me a day or two to recover from the free wine and mead!

sounds fabulous! have a wonderful time, and watch out for all those weapons

 

[Remec]

annie being wicked to us

Mmm...I could stand quite a bit of Annie's wickedness, but I'm not sure I'm old enough for her tastes.

 

[Remec]

probably won't be till next week ive got a medieval banquet tomorrow night run by the Knights Templars in all their garb oops regalia will take me a day or two to recover from the free wine and mead!

Heh...coming from an SCA background, I tend to call it 'garb' too.

Now you're making me miss not doing that currently...I may have to check out the local Barony's website and see if there's anything happening anytime soon. (Wonder if I still fit into any of my tunics or robes?)

 

[UnderYourSpell]

sounds fabulous! have a wonderful time, and watch out for all those weapons

he's broken his sword roflllll no I mustn't laugh they all take it so seriously get most upset when I call it their little boy games!

Mmm...I could stand quite a bit of Annie's wickedness, but I'm not sure I'm old enough for her tastes.

oiiiiiiiiii are you calling me old?!

Heh...coming from an SCA background, I tend to call it 'garb' too.

Now you're making me miss not doing that currently...I may have to check out the local Barony's website and see if there's anything happening anytime soon. (Wonder if I still fit into any of my tunics or robes?)

What's SCA? Ron's Freemason and Knights Templar (which incidentally makes me a 'Lady of the Knight'!)