Handling RL teens with an RL Dom

[bdsmToy]

Thanks. Some clever ideas, though of course more on play than on dealing with kiddoes.

well i never really looked it thou with a close eye, just saw the subject. not a vast library of information on this topic. mabyee one day in sex-ed they will incorporate a chapter with BDSM LOL

 

[ntp]

.....

 

[AngelicAnguish]

Again I'm still following this, alot of interesting reading and I'm tempted to point my mother in this direction in so much as it will maybe give her some tips on how to deal with my younger sister.

Softouch911 ~ A pleasure to see you post. It is interesting to read your side of it. I never really stopped to consider my step-fathers point of view and am just really greatful that at the time this all happened I was out of the house (I don't take change well to say the lease). But it does sound like you have a sound head on your shoulders, much like my step-father. In alot of ways I think it is a positive influence to have a male around who honestly cares than to have no one around. I know in my mothers situation that I believe my step-father is a positive influence on my sister though it isn't easy and she will often lash out.

I do have to agree though with the fact that it will be a brutal adjustment to have someone new to just come and start living with her and her mother. Is there any way to do a bit of a transition period or have it so you can spend time with her prior to the whole living together thing?

Shy Slave ~ Thanks for the welcome, usually I lurk around the how to and have some story buried on the RP forum because my friend abandoned me to the land of the real people!


ntp ~ There are alot of things more damaging than a parents sexual choice/relationships. As long as Pita remembers to put her daughter first in the long run I think it has the potential to be a healthy relationship for all involved. My step father, while a dom, is more loving and caring than any man I remember in my mothers life. My issues with my mother are not from the man or her choices, but the fact that she elevates a man above everything else in her life. Hopefully Pita will not do that and remember that while her man is important, her daughter will be her daughter forever.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I want to echo My pita's thanks for all of the insightful and useful comments posted here. I'm the potential-pervert pedophile-bastard Dom in question, and in spite of it being a little strange to listen to these concerns about Myself, I completely concur with nearly everything that has been said.

When W/we first talked about a 24/7 relationship, there was some discussion of giving discipline and authority over the child to Me. But I've raised two of my own, and have dealt professionally with thousands of other teenagers, and it was clear to me that such an arrangement was nearly a guaranteed disaster for all of us, especially pita's daughter. pita, too, was clearly uncomfortable.

W/we muddled through several approaches, trying to preserve O/our right to a life beside the rights of the child, and trying to protect our love of play with the child's right to her innocence and privacy.

You have been very helpful to Us in sorting it out and W/we have some ideas W/we have become more comfortable with, basing our notions on your posts and on the need to remain flexible to react to the surprises that will occur. W/we wanted to share some of our ideas with you for further comment if you feel of a mind.

As Dom, but the new guy on the scene, I recognize that in matters respecting her child's growth as a normal teenager, pita must have authority over all policies and principles governing her daughter’s discipline. My primary role is to support pita’s policies for her daughter.

Because I will be the one at home, I will be in charge of the domestic issues. In those areas, such as household maintenance, I may encourage, and require the child to comply with the standards of neatness, etc., used in the house. She will also be expected to complete chores.

pita and I agree that her daughter must function as a member of the family and will be expected to treat all adults with respect, especially her mother, me, and her father (during visitation). Because her adjustment to a step family life may be traumatic, our response to her should be sympathetic and patient, as well as consistent and firm.

The child is bright. We don't think it's reasonable to pretend that she'll know absolutely nothing of the nature of the relationship W/we have. The child’s questions and comments regarding D/s should be answered with accuracy and clarity as well as with a clear understanding of her development when she asks them. She will be provided with the means to understand the loving nature, the respect, and the responsibilities this lifestyle imposes on her mother and on me, the Dominant.

Insofar as it is reasonable, she will not be exposed to BDSM activities or discussion, but since it, as well as D/s, will be a part of her home she may well come to question or suspect her mother's activities. Both pita and I will endeavor to maintain her privacy, but also to anticipate and react with respect to her curiosity, and to protect her from discomfort in her experience.

As a personal note, having agreed to help raise pita's daughter, I feel it is an obligation to try to be the father she requires, and I'll make a continuing effort to improve my relationship with her. I know that sometimes it is impossible to get a teen to let you in ... but after long years of working with kids in high school and college, as well as parenting for two, I think I stand a better chance than most.

Thank you again for all the great comments and well wishes.

Softouch

OK, maybe it is just a personal quirk of mine, but I have always found it immediately raises hairs on my neck to hear someone repeatedy referred to impersonally as 'the child'. It comes across as a cold and detached form of reference to someone who in this case should at least have been included in a 'getting to know you' process before any discussion of moving in together began, and thus been held in some regard of affection and one on one knowledge of them as a person with feelings and rights. Noting you have dealt with many children in high schools etc., does not make me feel any more comfortable about the whole situation and makes me question if you are qualified in such areas why you would even contemplate, let alone want to subject your partner's child to this sudden change without all the necessary preliminary work.

It takes effort to bridge these emotional chasms, but if you are seriously wanting a longterm relationship which works, and what is best for both pita and her daughter, I would think it would be something you felt was important enough to take the time to do. You are talking about a live human being here, not a case file. I'm sorry, and am aware perhaps I am over reacting and on limited information, but as a parent and social worker who has worked with abuse I do not think it is in the best interests of her daughter to be placed in a home with you without giving her any opportunity to get to know you beforehand and hopefuly build a relationship on her terms, or at least be given the opportunity to know you before you are at the breakfast table each morning. The plan you speak of comes across as abusing her rights as a child, and basically forces her to accept you or be dealt with accordingly. Men who spoke to me of similar type situations and views in my time as a single parent were immediately shown the door simply because I felt my children had a right to be respected more than that.

You are both adults capable of making your own mistakes and living with them, but to expect a child to accept and treat you with respect just because she is told she must is not only disrespecting her, but abusing all her rights and making a clear statement as to the impotence of her position in both your lives. How do you expect her to then welcome you into her life with open arms and heart? Basically it is emotional blackmail and abuse because she has no options and at this time she is likely feeling secure she is the focus of her mother's love which will then be pointed out to her in a round about means will continue if she is a 'good girl' and does as she is told and expected. That may not be the message you want to portray, but is the message most 14 yo girls will get loud and clear. To me it sounds as if considering her feelings is tokenistic at best and that she is a possible obstacle to your plans who has to be dealt with.

As to being her father, I think you are jumping the gun once again and abusing her rights. You state she has a father who has visitation....your talk of being the father she needs is a sign you plan to usurp her father's position in her life and once again is a sign you don't care about her feelings and thoughts and are more focused on gaining power and control over her. Who are you to decide who she needs as a father when you don't even know her?!!! Are you insecure and feel she has to accept you as father to dispel your insecurity? She is not part of your D/s arrangements, nor should she be subjected to them.

Catalina

 

[Seduce]

OK, maybe it is just a personal quirk of mine, but I have always found it immediately raises hairs on my neck to hear someone repeatedy referred to impersonally as 'the child'. It comes across as a cold and detached form of reference to someone who in this case should at least have been included in a 'getting to know you' process before any discussion of moving in together began, and thus been held in some regard of affection and one on one knowledge of them as a person with feelings and rights. Noting you have dealt with many children in high schools etc., does not make me feel any more comfortable about the whole situation and makes me question if you are qualified in such areas why you would even contemplate, let alone want to subject your partner's child to this sudden change without all the necessary preliminary work.

It takes effort to bridge these emotional chasms, but if you are seriously wanting a longterm relationship which works, and what is best for both pita and her daughter, I would think it would be something you felt was important enough to take the time to do. You are talking about a live human being here, not a case file. I'm sorry, and am aware perhaps I am over reacting and on limited information, but as a parent and social worker who has worked with abuse I do not think it is in the best interests of her daughter to be placed in a home with you without giving her any opportunity to get to know you beforehand and hopefuly build a relationship on her terms, or at least be given the opportunity to know you before you are at the breakfast table each morning. The plan you speak of comes across as abusing her rights as a child, and basically forces her to accept you or be dealt with accordingly. Men who spoke to me of similar type situations and views in my time as a single parent were immediately shown the door simply because I felt my children had a right to be respected more than that.

You are both adults capable of making your own mistakes and living with them, but to expect a child to accept and treat you with respect just because she is told she must is not only disrespecting her, but abusing all her rights and making a clear statement as to the impotence of her position in both your lives. How do you expect her to then welcome you into her life with open arms and heart? Basically it is emotional blackmail and abuse because she has no options and at this time she is likely feeling secure she is the focus of her mother's love which will then be pointed out to her in a round about means will continue if she is a 'good girl' and does as she is told and expected. That may not be the message you want to portray, but is the message most 14 yo girls will get loud and clear. To me it sounds as if considering her feelings is tokenistic at best and that she is a possible obstacle to your plans who has to be dealt with.

As to being her father, I think you are jumping the gun once again and abusing her rights. You state she has a father who has visitation....your talk of being the father she needs is a sign you plan to usurp her father's position in her life and once again is a sign you don't care about her feelings and thoughts and are more focused on gaining power and control over her. Who are you to decide who she needs as a father when you don't even know her?!!! Are you insecure and feel she has to accept you as father to dispel your insecurity? She is not part of your D/s arrangements, nor should she be subjected to them.

Catalina

This comes from someone who truly understand how teenagers feel and act.
I admire you, Catalina, sincerely.

 

[Andante]

OK, maybe it is just a personal quirk of mine, but I have always found it immediately raises hairs on my neck to hear someone repeatedy referred to impersonally as 'the child'. It comes across as a cold and detached form of reference to someone who in this case should at least have been included in a 'getting to know you' process before any discussion of moving in together began, and thus been held in some regard of affection and one on one knowledge of them as a person with feelings and rights. Noting you have dealt with many children in high schools etc., does not make me feel any more comfortable about the whole situation and makes me question if you are qualified in such areas why you would even contemplate, let alone want to subject your partner's child to this sudden change without all the necessary preliminary work.

It takes effort to bridge these emotional chasms, but if you are seriously wanting a longterm relationship which works, and what is best for both pita and her daughter, I would think it would be something you felt was important enough to take the time to do. You are talking about a live human being here, not a case file. I'm sorry, and am aware perhaps I am over reacting and on limited information, but as a parent and social worker who has worked with abuse I do not think it is in the best interests of her daughter to be placed in a home with you without giving her any opportunity to get to know you beforehand and hopefuly build a relationship on her terms, or at least be given the opportunity to know you before you are at the breakfast table each morning. The plan you speak of comes across as abusing her rights as a child, and basically forces her to accept you or be dealt with accordingly. Men who spoke to me of similar type situations and views in my time as a single parent were immediately shown the door simply because I felt my children had a right to be respected more than that.

You are both adults capable of making your own mistakes and living with them, but to expect a child to accept and treat you with respect just because she is told she must is not only disrespecting her, but abusing all her rights and making a clear statement as to the impotence of her position in both your lives. How do you expect her to then welcome you into her life with open arms and heart? Basically it is emotional blackmail and abuse because she has no options and at this time she is likely feeling secure she is the focus of her mother's love which will then be pointed out to her in a round about means will continue if she is a 'good girl' and does as she is told and expected. That may not be the message you want to portray, but is the message most 14 yo girls will get loud and clear. To me it sounds as if considering her feelings is tokenistic at best and that she is a possible obstacle to your plans who has to be dealt with.

As to being her father, I think you are jumping the gun once again and abusing her rights. You state she has a father who has visitation....your talk of being the father she needs is a sign you plan to usurp her father's position in her life and once again is a sign you don't care about her feelings and thoughts and are more focused on gaining power and control over her. Who are you to decide who she needs as a father when you don't even know her?!!! Are you insecure and feel she has to accept you as father to dispel your insecurity? She is not part of your D/s arrangements, nor should she be subjected to them.

Catalina

Well put, Catalina. I couldn't agree more. Reading the posts of this thread, I've had the same feeling of complete disregard for "the child's" feelings and needs. Actually shy slave and I discussed the topic on the phone last night. Being in a ldr with the intention of living together at some point in the future, it is the fact that we both have kids that makes up the biggest concern on both sides.

 

[Softouch911]

Catalina, thank you for your passionate response. I am sorry I came off so harsh and power-hungry for you.

I agree that my tone is cold -- perhaps I should have spent more time editing. I had originally written the post using her name but then realized that would impinge on her privacy, so changed it to the "child." If you reread it by inserting the name of your favorite teenager, it will warm up quite a bit.

My hope was to sound rational, not uncaring.

You mean something by respect that I don't intend. I mean the politeness owed any adult, and the consideration owed any human being. The other sort of respect has to be earned, I agree, and will have to be her choice.

If her father wishes to be involved in her life, more than he is now, I will be delighted. I do plan to make an ongoing effort to be someone she will come to respect and come to for advice. So far as "like" is concerned, adults know that is not a matter of choice for anyone.

I understand the suggestion that it would be best to get to know her first. Our choice is that if I sense I'm a source of an ongoing or developing problem for her, I'll just move out and we'll get along that way.

 

[His_pita]

Thanks again everyone for all the input into our discussion of relating to teens. It has really made us think about how we go about becoming a family.

Shy Slave, I like your policy, 'Don't ask if you don't really want to know.' I already sort of do that also with my daughter. We do have a very open way of talking to each other and she is a bright and sensitive girl. I do agree that she can’t see me deferring to my Dom in matters concerning her, nor can she see us disagreeing over her. She must feel that I’m always the authority figure over her. And we are very determined to do what is in her best interest and to make it work.

BdsmToy, thanks for that link.

Ntp, AngelicAnguish, I understand and share your concerns, and I understand yours, too, Catalina, though I do think you have misunderstood my Dom’s character and attitude. I know my responsibilities as a mother, and it is why I came here for the advice of people like you who have experience to share. She has always been my main priority in my life and that will continue until she is on her own.

We know this is a hard thing we are embarking on. Ideally neither she nor I would have to make these huge life changes. But I feel I am improving my life and hers and think that the chance for stability in our lives will benefit her in the long run. You can't always choose the ideal timing. I don't mind sharing a few of the personal details, should any of you feel you can offer specific advice, but I don't want to make a public post -- just PM me.

 

[Hajar]

I don't usually post but hey I'll bite, as I actually know something about this, I've had several step parents I hated, one I tried to kill

Be very careful, as others have pointed out you only think she won't have an idea of the relationship, I recently came across a 14-15 year old that had a somewhat clear idea of the relationship and had a strong dislike for the domninant in that case.
I felt sorry for the submissive partner as they were the parent and the child was strong willed, and it placed a stress on the relationship, but I've also seen another where the family was bonded quite well.
I think it would be nice for you to have some weekend visits, and family talks before the big move, so that all parties can voice their fears at the future etc and there can be some idea of how the interaction will work out.

 

[graceanne]

As to being her father, I think you are jumping the gun once again and abusing her rights. You state she has a father who has visitation....your talk of being the father she needs is a sign you plan to usurp her father's position in her life and once again is a sign you don't care about her feelings and thoughts and are more focused on gaining power and control over her. Who are you to decide who she needs as a father when you don't even know her?!!! Are you insecure and feel she has to accept you as father to dispel your insecurity? She is not part of your D/s arrangements, nor should she be subjected to them.

Catalina

I gotta agree with being careful here. Very, very careful. Even if her dad isn't involved in her life, she's not going to be willing to let you become her dad like that. My dad was not involved in my life. My sister and I didn't see him for years at a time. But nothing made me see red faster than when my mother would try and make me call my step dad 'dad'. It didnt' matter to me that he was doing the fathering, he still wasn't my dad. We had some royal fights over that. (In other words she'd tell me I should call him dad, so I wouldn't refer to him by name at all until she gave up.)

 

[Netzach]

I eventually bonded with my stepdad fairly well after he moved in. He was not a Dom, there was no D/s to deal with.

But I had about a year or two of my mother dating him and hating it to get used to the idea and over my misgivings.

If you don't think that a transitional time is needed, good luck.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<Snip>I understand the suggestion that it would be best to get to know her first. Our choice is that if I sense I'm a source of an ongoing or developing problem for her, I'll just move out and we'll get along that way.

Softouch911, this paragraph concerns me - a lot.

Again, it appears that you and pita consider her daughter as more a potential impediment to your relationship than as a person of her own who has rights, particularly regarding her relationship with her mother. The inference drawn from this paragraph is that you plan for you to move in with pita and her daughter without any significant prior contact with the daughter, and then, if you sense you're the "source of an ongoing or developing problem for her," you'll "just move out" and get along that way. Huh?

If that is a viable alternative, why is the reverse - you moving into quarters near pita for a few months and taking the time for her daughter and you to get to know each other a little and establish some sort of relationship, then moving in if it appears that the three of you could live together - not only viable but much more sensible, logical, and considerate of her daughter's rights?

It appears to me that you individually, and at least to some extent both you and pita, are minimizing the potentials for anger, dissension and outright disaster, simply because the two of you want to live together in your 24/7 D/s relationship, and think that you can overcome the hormonal, emotional and psychological issues of her daughter by force of your desires alone.

This child has already undergone one huge emotional upheaval with the separation of her parents - one that the stress "experts" consider as one of the top five stressful occasions of life. And now you want to suddenly move into her home, with little warning and no personal knowledge of you - and you having no personal knowledge of her - and expect her to just "adjust" to it, since you and her mother think it will be "improving my life and hers and think that the chance for stability in our lives will benefit her in the long run?" That's as vast an upheaval as her mother's original separation/divorce from the father!

One would think that, "after long years of working with kids in high school and college, as well as parenting for two," you would have a better understanding of the immense change - and stress - this will create for her.

My opinion is that you two need to rethink this very carefully, with the focus on pita's daughter's potential reaction(s) not only to your D/s relationship, but also as to the possible ramifications that your moving in without getting to know her first whether your relationship is D/s or the plainest of vanilla could have on her attitudes, reactions, relationship with her mother, and the relationship you say you would like to develop with her ("to be someone she will come to respect and come to for advice"). I think you stand a much better chance of becoming that someone if she has an opportunity to get to know you before you suddenly show up at her breakfast table!

 

[chris9]

...The inference drawn from this paragraph is that you plan for you to move in with pita and her daughter without any significant prior contact with the daughter, and then, if you sense you're the "source of an ongoing or developing problem for her," you'll "just move out" and get along that way. Huh?

If that is a viable alternative, why is the reverse - you moving into quarters near pita for a few months and taking the time for her daughter and you to get to know each other a little and establish some sort of relationship, then moving in if it appears that the three of you could live together - not only viable but much more sensible, logical, and considerate of her daughter's rights?...

That was exactly my thinking! Once you all have a problem living together and then have you move out, that won't solve any problems at all. If pita's daughter is not way more mature than her 14 years suggest, she will see the moving of the disturber of her life as her personal victory, but continue to try and push you out of her mom's life. That will not only be a trial on your relationship, but also on the one of mom and daughter. In my opinion that is a risk far to great to take!
What actually concerned me, too, was that you are planning to stay at home and take care of her home. Now *I* would be VERY upset if a stranger just appeared in my home, starting to cook, clean, whatever, doing everything HIS way, not the past *our* way. And to think she would accept you giving her chores to do... well, I'd say that is wishful thinking in it's best...

I really hope that living together will turn out well for all parties involved, though I'd say your chance of that would much higher by taking a slower approach of first getting to know all each other.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Softouch911, this paragraph concerns me - a lot.

Again, it appears that you and pita consider her daughter as more a potential impediment to your relationship than as a person of her own who has rights, particularly regarding her relationship with her mother. The inference drawn from this paragraph is that you plan for you to move in with pita and her daughter without any significant prior contact with the daughter, and then, if you sense you're the "source of an ongoing or developing problem for her," you'll "just move out" and get along that way. Huh?

If that is a viable alternative, why is the reverse - you moving into quarters near pita for a few months and taking the time for her daughter and you to get to know each other a little and establish some sort of relationship, then moving in if it appears that the three of you could live together - not only viable but much more sensible, logical, and considerate of her daughter's rights?

It appears to me that you individually, and at least to some extent both you and pita, are minimizing the potentials for anger, dissension and outright disaster, simply because the two of you want to live together in your 24/7 D/s relationship, and think that you can overcome the hormonal, emotional and psychological issues of her daughter by force of your desires alone.

This child has already undergone one huge emotional upheaval with the separation of her parents - one that the stress "experts" consider as one of the top five stressful occasions of life. And now you want to suddenly move into her home, with little warning and no personal knowledge of you - and you having no personal knowledge of her - and expect her to just "adjust" to it, since you and her mother think it will be "improving my life and hers and think that the chance for stability in our lives will benefit her in the long run?" That's as vast an upheaval as her mother's original separation/divorce from the father!

One would think that, "after long years of working with kids in high school and college, as well as parenting for two," you would have a better understanding of the immense change - and stress - this will create for her.

My opinion is that you two need to rethink this very carefully, with the focus on pita's daughter's potential reaction(s) not only to your D/s relationship, but also as to the possible ramifications that your moving in without getting to know her first whether your relationship is D/s or the plainest of vanilla could have on her attitudes, reactions, relationship with her mother, and the relationship you say you would like to develop with her ("to be someone she will come to respect and come to for advice"). I think you stand a much better chance of becoming that someone if she has an opportunity to get to know you before you suddenly show up at her breakfast table!

I have to agree with Sir_Winston's post and have quoted it partly because of the way he referred to pita's daughter. Although we do not know her, most here are referring to her in a warmer fashion than 'the child' which as I have said comes across as impersonal and detached, not someone you are hoping to become a significant part of their life in a good way. You do not need to use a name to bring a sense of caring, warmth or empathy to the discussion.

As to the idea of moving in and then out again if 'you' sense it isn't working...first you put the guilt and responsibility on her for her mother's undoubted subsequent unhappiness....that is not fair nor is it her responsibility; you also put pressure on her to make it work for both of you which most teenagers will pick up on in a flash...it isn't fair or her repsonsibility; it shows poor control on your part if you cannot set aside your own wants in her best interests by at least making time to meet and get to know each other on at least a preliminary level; you are moving into what she sees as her territory and safe space..and subsequently taking that from her without even taking time to introduce yourself and see how she feels....does she even know you exist or will your moving in be the first she knows of it?

I guess for me it comes down to my lifelong dislike of adults feeling they have a right to assert their rights and authoritarianism over children in an overt, oppressive way....a parent is more than someone who has authority over a child and unless they are giving heaps of major problems is not a way most parents refer to their parenting role....even then it is often referred to more in terms of guidance, not 'authority over'. No better way to piss off a teenager than announce you have authority over them, especially if they are not doing anything wrong. Statements such as this one of pita's And we are very determined to do what is in her best interest and to make it work is something I am disturbed by and picking up in both your attitudes. What I feel from such statements may not be what you intend, but I keep feeling it reflects your opressive mindset in that you ask for advice or thoughts but regardless see this as something you will do and she will just have to lump it. Is that really acting in her best interests or your own? And isn't it subjective whether that is in her best interests?

Her father may not visit much, but as graceanne says, that does not mean she is looking for or wanting someone to step in and announce they are taking over as her father and she should think of them as such. I would have loved to have had my children's father take an interest in them, even for the occasional visit, phone call, or birthday card...and he was and still is encouraged to but doesn't contact them ever. Given that, neither of them have ever felt it was anyone's place to assume that title in their life and have even said it was not something they would accept even with those they like and accept as mum's friend/lover/husband. It is not something you claim and enforce, it is something that is offered out of respect and love by the child, at best.

Catalina

 

[chris9]

My mind has been busy thinking about what would be best for any child who is about to get a new partner of a parent in its life.
Reading the posts by Catalina and SirWinston I started wondering if maybe you two are really able to decide for pita's daughter in this situation. For one, Softtouch doesn't know her, so how could he tell what's best for her. Second, and without *any* intention of quering pita's 'quality' as a mom, she is in a serious interest conflict. Pita, of course you want your love to move in with you. But maybe you are trying to make reality look friendly on the pre-selected plan, make it fit the plan, instead of seeing reality and then making up a plan that fits it and is of advantage to everybody. Maybe you could talk to someone that knows your daughter fairly well (a grandmother, aunt, grown-up friend...). All anybody here can say is about a 'typical' 14 yo, not about your daughter specific.
I was also wondering how far your daughter knows about your plans and if you have asked her how she feels about it.

 

[Bondagebunni]

The biggest thing I think you have to worry about is her reaction to him. If you're defferring to him, does that mean you're also deferring to him when it comes to raising her?

I would not allow him to change the way she's been living such as rules about curfew and things like that. Being only recently out on my own with fresh memories about the trials and tribulations of living with your parents, I can assure you that having someone who has never been in a position of authority for you try to tell you what to do will not sit well with her.

Being submissive to him is fine, but I wouldn't go around calling him master in front of her and don't let him make HER decisions, even if he's making your's. Does that make sense? When you made a decision to be a parent you made the decision to do what's best for her and letting a new step-dad make unfamiliar rules for her just because her mother is a submissive to him isn't what's best and I can't imagine you calling him Master in front of her or something to that extend would make her very comfortable.

Talk to her about it before-hand. Let her know that this relationship is different, that you prefer to let him be the one in charge but that you're still her mother FIRST AND FOREMOST and that while he may be making/helping you to make a lot of your decisions, it's not going to affect her normal routine.

I hope that helps. When you explained the situation the first thing I thought of was how she'd react to new rules and went "OMG she'd flip out" because that's how I'd feel.

ok, all that i wrote before I read everyone response and got some more information (that was my first impressions thing)

One of the things that didn't sit well with me as well was that she has never even met her mother's new "boyfriend" as she'll probably consider him. Placing myself in her shoes, if someone moved into my house and I was expected to respect this person, I'd be very angry. I've always believed that people earn respect, they aren't granted it just by being an adult. Plenty of people have managed to live past the age of 18, that doesn't mean they deserve respect, it means they circumvented death. Expecting her to be polite and to attempt to get to know him is a reasonable thing, expecting her to respect him before he earns it is ridiculous.

This whole situation seems like a bad idea to me. It seems like you're not considering her and that what you want out of this D/s relationship is more important than her having normalcy.

 

[canadiancutie]

I want to echo My pita's thanks for all of the insightful and useful comments posted here. I'm the potential-pervert pedophile-bastard Dom in question, and in spite of it being a little strange to listen to these concerns about Myself, I completely concur with nearly everything that has been said.

When W/we first talked about a 24/7 relationship, there was some discussion of giving discipline and authority over the child to Me. But I've raised two of my own, and have dealt professionally with thousands of other teenagers, and it was clear to me that such an arrangement was nearly a guaranteed disaster for all of us, especially pita's daughter. pita, too, was clearly uncomfortable.

W/we muddled through several approaches, trying to preserve O/our right to a life beside the rights of the child, and trying to protect our love of play with the child's right to her innocence and privacy.

You have been very helpful to Us in sorting it out and W/we have some ideas W/we have become more comfortable with, basing our notions on your posts and on the need to remain flexible to react to the surprises that will occur. W/we wanted to share some of our ideas with you for further comment if you feel of a mind.

As Dom, but the new guy on the scene, I recognize that in matters respecting her child's growth as a normal teenager, pita must have authority over all policies and principles governing her daughter’s discipline. My primary role is to support pita’s policies for her daughter.

Because I will be the one at home, I will be in charge of the domestic issues. In those areas, such as household maintenance, I may encourage, and require the child to comply with the standards of neatness, etc., used in the house. She will also be expected to complete chores.

pita and I agree that her daughter must function as a member of the family and will be expected to treat all adults with respect, especially her mother, me, and her father (during visitation). Because her adjustment to a step family life may be traumatic, our response to her should be sympathetic and patient, as well as consistent and firm.

The child is bright. We don't think it's reasonable to pretend that she'll know absolutely nothing of the nature of the relationship W/we have. The child’s questions and comments regarding D/s should be answered with accuracy and clarity as well as with a clear understanding of her development when she asks them. She will be provided with the means to understand the loving nature, the respect, and the responsibilities this lifestyle imposes on her mother and on me, the Dominant.

Insofar as it is reasonable, she will not be exposed to BDSM activities or discussion, but since it, as well as D/s, will be a part of her home she may well come to question or suspect her mother's activities. Both pita and I will endeavor to maintain her privacy, but also to anticipate and react with respect to her curiosity, and to protect her from discomfort in her experience.

As a personal note, having agreed to help raise pita's daughter, I feel it is an obligation to try to be the father she requires, and I'll make a continuing effort to improve my relationship with her. I know that sometimes it is impossible to get a teen to let you in ... but after long years of working with kids in high school and college, as well as parenting for two, I think I stand a better chance than most.

Thank you again for all the great comments and well wishes.

Softouch

If you don't talk to her, and meet her and develop some sort of relationship with her before they move in, I am automatically putting both you and pita on my hate list. Whether it's a D/s relationship or not, it's absolutely terrible to throw a child, especially a teenager, into a house with someone they've never met, and probably won't like. Trust me on this, my mom did it to me, and I've considered removing my step father's testicles more than once. And it isn't just me, most of my friends' parents have been divorced, and most have been remarried. If you get to know the person, and it's more gradual, you could end up being a big happy family. Otherwise you're to end up with a very angry, at times hormonal teenage girl that hates you, and I promise your life will be hell. You should probably try to get to know her dad too. And don't try to "be a father" to her, chances are she will hate you more. It is her mother's job to raise her, not yours, and you really have no right to even try until/if ever she decides to accept you as an authority figure, otherwise back off. Hmm maybe I'm a bit bitter.

 

[Kajira Callista]

If you don't talk to her, and meet her and develop some sort of relationship with her before they move in, I am automatically putting both you and pita on my hate list. Whether it's a D/s relationship or not, it's absolutely terrible to throw a child, especially a teenager, into a house with someone they've never met, and probably won't like. Trust me on this, my mom did it to me, and I've considered removing my step father's testicles more than once. And it isn't just me, most of my friends' parents have been divorced, and most have been remarried. If you get to know the person, and it's more gradual, you could end up being a big happy family. Otherwise you're to end up with a very angry, at times hormonal teenage girl that hates you, and I promise your life will be hell. You should probably try to get to know her dad too. And don't try to "be a father" to her, chances are she will hate you more. It is her mother's job to raise her, not yours, and you really have no right to even try until/if ever she decides to accept you as an authority figure, otherwise back off. Hmm maybe I'm a bit bitter.

You dont sound bitter to me. I'm a mommy and there is no way in hell my dominant is just gonna move in without first knowing my children... and knowing them well enough to know if moving in would be a good idea or not. I may sound a bit "unsubmissive" but it wouldnt be the first time. I'm sorry but the both of you need to take off your rose colored D/s glasses and really take a look at what you are doing. Would you do in in a "nilla" relationship? What advice would you give someone in the same situation if they asked? And most of all, how would you feel if YOU were a teen of divorced parents whos world gets turned inside out in a blink of an eye?

 

[Etoile]

I don't have children of my own, so I can only say what went through my head while I was reading through this. A lot of really great advice has already been given; hopefully I'm not duplicating much here.

Is your daughter's father in the picture at all? If there is animosity between the two of you, and he finds out that you're living in a D/s relationship - even if your daughter doesn't know - he could use that to drag you into court.

Also, if your daughter has anything resembling feminist ideals, she may be against the idea of male dom/fem sub relationships altogether. At her current age, seeing her mother in that type of relationship could be extremely upsetting if she doesn't liket he idea from a political standpoint.

 

[canadiancutie]

You dont sound bitter to me. I'm a mommy and there is no way in hell my dominant is just gonna move in without first knowing my children... and knowing them well enough to know if moving in would be a good idea or not. I may sound a bit "unsubmissive" but it wouldnt be the first time. I'm sorry but the both of you need to take off your rose colored D/s glasses and really take a look at what you are doing. Would you do in in a "nilla" relationship? What advice would you give someone in the same situation if they asked? And most of all, how would you feel if YOU were a teen of divorced parents whos world gets turned inside out in a blink of an eye?

exactly!!!!! And they mentioned living far away from eachother, so is it really fair to take her away from her friends at an already confusing time of her life, for selfish, and pretty darn stupid reasons? Let her get to know him, and let her have some say in the decision to move. Otherwise, let her go live with someone more responsible. Or just wait until she's 18.

 

[Softouch911]

Thank you all for the supportive hints we have received in PMs and for the passionate responses in this discussion. I’m not sure what we said that makes the self-righteous tone and easy judgments of a few of the posts regarding our characters justified, useful, or acceptable, but we agree that the issue is a serious one.

I wonder, if I were so callous and pita so poor a mother, why we would have posted a thread to ask for constructive suggestions and hints. In fact, I was the one who suggested that pita post our concerns here; we both felt that certainly some of you had dealt with the same issue, as indeed you have and the cautions and suggestions have been helpful.

In spite of the tone some have adopted, both pita and I are inclined to take the content of your remarks seriously. We had dismissed the notion of separate apartments but perhaps it is worth reconsidering. Our divorces will have left us both to begin again, but initially our combined income would make a small 2 or 3 bed apartment possible. But if we live separately, I can get a studio and she can live with her parents where she and her daughter can share a room. That, too, is far from an ideal situation, but perhaps it will be less damaging for her daughter than the shared arrangement of an apartment, so we will think seriously on it.

I am posting this update at pita’s request. If those who have further constructive suggestions to make will do so, by post or PM, we will be grateful. And if you feel called upon to continue the attack, please give pita a break. She is making the most of an exceptionally difficult marital situation and trying to move toward a brighter future for her daughter and herself.

 

[O'Mac]

Please do not consider this an attack, but I don't really understand how this situation will, by it's nature, lead to a brighter future for the daughter and herself.

At first I was pretty open with the idea Pita had put across and didn't put too much thought into what was really at stake here. Now that I have seen more arguments for and against, I think I have to side with the crowd who feels it may not be such a hot idea. I've thought about the principle arguments and I feel that:

1. Exposing to her to a new alpha male in her personal life without sufficient time to accept and grow to trust him will undoubtedly led to resentment and a general lack of self-worth. Let's honestly ask ourselves how we would feel if our parent announced suddenly that they have found a new partner and they will be living with them as soon as possible. Words like outraged, resentful, and embittered spring to mind when I think of the possibility of that happening to me.

2. Exposing her to your lifestyle choice ON TOP of the new male personality will further alienate her from you both. I'll agree that with Catalina's comment that you're mindset is somewhat oppressive in that you feel her daughter will eventually accept the two of you and your choice. The problem is, what happens if she doesn't accept it? What if she does not want you there?

Please don't think I'm judging you by any stretch. Again, when the question was first posed I had more of an issue keeping the sexual relationship seperated from the daily goings-on in the household. Now though, with more information I find I really could not support this action. Not without more sufficient time and proper introductions. No amount of talking will diffuse any problems where one party has no say in the current situation.

 

[chris9]

exactly!!!!! And they mentioned living far away from eachother, so is it really fair to take her away from her friends at an already confusing time of her life, for selfish, and pretty darn stupid reasons? Let her get to know him, and let her have some say in the decision to move. Otherwise, let her go live with someone more responsible. Or just wait until she's 18.

As far as I understood, he will be moving to join Pita and her daughter, so she will stay where she is.
Softtouch, Pita, I'm wondering how much real talking you have done with Pita's daughter? I'm thinking right now what my parents used to do in my teenage years. They somehow managed to make me feel it's all MY decisions (which highschool to go to, my year abroad...), even though I made those decisions in a way they wanted... Now I know that they kept influencing me until I made the right decision (like two schools to select from), but then it didn't feel that way. Now I'm wondering if Pita can manage something like this with her daughter. I'm not sure it's possible, but Pita, you know your daughter best, so basically, you're on your own in this decision. Softtouch can help, we can help, but you're the one who has to decide. And I believe you that it is one hell of a decision to make!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you all for the supportive hints we have received in PMs and for the passionate responses in this discussion. I’m not sure what we said that makes the self-righteous tone and easy judgments of a few of the posts regarding our characters justified, useful, or acceptable, but we agree that the issue is a serious one.

Nothing to do with being self righteous or making easy judgements and for you to once again post in this manner of defensive language raises even more concerns in my mind....the first being that if you post asking a question and people do not agree with you, why does that make them self righteous and where is it you are really looking for answers except those which support your own? As I stated clearly before, it was your way of referring to pita's daughter (both of you) which raised more instinctive ick and concern buttons for me. There is a lot which can be conveyed through the repetative choice of language and when pita talks of her authority over her daughter (even though that is a reality) and you refer to her impersonally as the child, not pita's daughter or by an initial, it comes across as putting this 14 yo in a totally vulnerable position where she is already being seen as an obstacle to your plans.

Add to that you have not even taken time out of your busy life to attemtp to meet her and it sounds as if despite your saying you are both concerned, that the concern is tokenistic at best. The least I would expect of a person about to move in with their partner, vanilla or otherwise, would be that they gave that person's children the respect to at least meet them and get to know them to an extent. Adding ideas of replacing a father who I expect from your words does not add up to your idea of what he should be even though he does have visitation again displays an arrogance and disregard for pita's daughters feelings or welfare. I don't find your claims to have worked with children reassuring me.....my experience has been there are good and bad workers in all areas of welfare and support and your lack of understanding in this situation is not making me feel any more reassured you know or care what is best for her.

Catalina

 

[canadiancutie]

Nothing to do with being self righteous or making easy judgements and for you to once again post in this manner of defensive language raises even more concerns in my mind. As I stated clearly before, it was your way of referring to pita's daughter (both of you) which raised more instinctive ick and concern buttons for me. There is a lot which can be conveyed through the repetative choice of language and when pita talks of her authority over her daughter (even though that is a reality) and you refer to her impersonally as the child, not pita's daughter or by an initial, it comes across as putting this 14 yo in a totally vulnerable position where she is already being seen as an obstacle to your plans.

Add to that you have not even taken time out of your busy life to attemtp to meet her and it sounds as if despite your saying you are both concerned, that the concern is tokenistic at best. The least I would expect of a person about to move in with their partner, vanilla or otherwise, would be that they gave that person's children the respect to at least meet them and get to know them to an extent. Adding ideas of replacing a father who I expect from your words does not add up to your idea of what he should be even though he does have visitation again displays an arrogance and disregard for pita's daughters feelings or welfare. I don't find your claims to have worked with children reassuring me.....my experience has been there are good and bad workers in all areas of welfare and support and your lack of understanding in this situation is not making me feel any more reassured you know or care what is best for her.

Catalina

I like you.