Handling RL teens with an RL Dom

[Seduce]

I have been reading this thread and some of you people (like Catalina) put things so beautifully that I didnt feel I had to add anything.

I am a bit uneasy regarding this issue too, and I simply cannot imagine how someone can plan to live with a teenager and not try to meet and get friendly with the poor girl first. It seems as if he was in fact not interested in kid at all, just hasty to start living with Mother.
And D/s is not making things any easier, on the contrary.

My opinion is that if a man wants 14 yrs old girl to accept him as - I will not say father but - fatherly figure in her life, he should start considering her as his own daughter first.

I had no problems at all with my girls accepting their stepfather, but he was very mature and careful about it:
He never tried to order them around and made it clear I was responsible for raising, he would only support me as my husband.
He was always very interested in any small troubles and worries they had as every teenager has in life, and they could come and ask his opinion on just anything.
He was so proud walking around with "his beautiful princesses" that it made us all laugh.
He was genuinely interested in their welfare from the first minute he saw them, and equally genuinely he shows his love and affection for them since then.
He never refere to them as anything but "our girls" and I know he means it.
In fact he is spoiling them so much I have to put my foot and say no from time to time.

And my girls are responding with deep respect, care and love.

 

[O'Mac]

I think Seduce and Catalina Fransisco are both onto to something, but I think one alternative has yet to be addressed.

With all the talk of wanting to accommodate the daughter's wishes and working out a solution to any potential problems, has any thought been given to the possibility that the situation may simply be unworkable? Sometimes no matter how much dialogue you take partake in, and no matter how many problems you try to address, the reality may simply be that this is one situation you may have to accept as unfeasible.

I don't think you're terribly selfish or uncaring for wanting to live your life how you want to. But there is a responsibility to the daughter and the well-being of her must take precendence over your relationship.

Again, I can only advise that you start slow and introduce yourself well ahead of announcing plans to move in.

 

[mysteryinc]

Hi,
I remember very well what it was like to be a 14 yo girl since I still feel that age most days! There are two issues which would have angered me at that age. Firstly, I would not have responded well to any dominant personality, especially one who was seen to be controlling my mother. Even though I define myself as a submissive in sexual terms, I am repelled by and highly resentful towards dominant personalities in general, and was even more so when I was a teenager. It is too often that a dominant personality can appear exploitative to an outsider.
Although of course cross-gender power plays are part of mainstream socialization, I think the extreme powerplay seen in D/s is highly influential. It was for me. I hate to say it and these days I embrace my personality, but I think I would have grown up to be a stronger female, if I had not been raised in the presence of extreme male-female power exchanges. Don't get me wrong, of course now I enjoy being part of them
Anyway, I guess the short version is.. make sure the dominant personality does not dominate the teenager. Secondly, keep all power-exchanges private, whether of a clear sexual nature or not.
Good luck!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>I’m not sure what we said that makes the self-righteous tone and easy judgments of a few of the posts regarding our characters justified, useful, or acceptable...<snip>

I reread the thread and don't see much, if any, self-righteous tone, nor easy judgments. What I did see was a series of people who appeared to have read pita's initial post, and her and your subsequent posts, seriously considered the issues raised, and posted their appraisals of the situation, and ideas for dealing with it.

I wonder, if I were so callous and pita so poor a mother, why we would have posted a thread to ask for constructive suggestions and hints. In fact, I was the one who suggested that pita post our concerns here; we both felt that certainly some of you had dealt with the same issue, as indeed you have and the cautions and suggestions have been helpful.

I don't recall anyone saying - or suggesting - that you were overly callous, nor that pita was a poor mother. I believe a couple of people may have suggested that you appeared "cold" in your use of "the child" in describing pita's daughter, but most seemed to accept, at least conditionally, your explanation of your use of the phrase. It does appear to me that many felt that the two of you were concerned primarily with your mutual goal and how to accomplish it despite her daughter's presence, perhaps to the extent that she seemed to be a potential roadblock to your being able to do what you wanted, rather than a central figure, focus and force in pita's life, and someone whose rights must be protected and nourished.

Please note: that is not an attack! It is merely an observation of the fact that most people, most of the time, tend to get focused on their goals and may become somewhat singleminded and unable to see all of the facets of the situation clearly. On the other hand, people who are asked for an opinion of a particular situation from the outside can often see it from a less-involved viewpoint than those in the situation - a "forest for the trees" situation. As a professional, I'm sure you're aware of that.

 

[Private_Label]

My Dom and I are planning to have a 24/7 real life D/s relationship by early next year. Our concern is how to approach it with my daughter who will be 14 years old when this happens....

Thank you all in advance for any opinions and advice you can give us.

Speaking from the step child aspect (the only one I know personally) - It really depends on how your SO interacts with your daughter. I certainly didn't like to be "ordered around" by anyone, biological parents included. (I know this needs some explaination - my mom has always talked to us about the consequences of our actions, but allowed a certain amount of us choosing between two or three relatively safe choices, some she disliked intensly but allowed us to do them even if she disagreed with it - my brother and I came out fairly ok - my dad <non-custodial> was much more on giving orders to be followed and not really explaining why - I would have rebelled if he ever had full custody of us)

If she asks, why not the simplest part of the truth? "Because it makes both of us happy."

It is much more important that she sees two people who are willing to work on their relationship as partners of any stripe rather than partners who don't work out their issues before they become problems. And if your SO isn't willing to work on the rough patches in your life together, he's not the right one, regardless of the type of relationship you have.

As a newbie to all this I would have to ask the stupid question of:
Would you turn the disciplining of your daughter over to your SO, or would you as Legal guardian of your daughter handle her discipline yourself? Kids can be different in their reactions depending on their opinions of the "new" step-parent - everything from hates the SO to gets along great with the SO. There were some boyfriends my mom had that I liked alot, and others that I couldn't stand. Same for my dad's wives - one was so-so, she didn't really talk to me much (living in different states and all) or discipline me or my brother, the third wife (my second step-mother) and I had severe personality clashes after a few years of knowing her.

 

[spankmesub7684]

I am not much older than your daughter will be - I'm almost 20. And I can imagine how I would have felt if I were in the position she will be put in, but because we're all different, her transition into a new family setting could go much better than my hypothetical one would have.

The advice I have to give is:

1. Your daughter should be most important to you at all times (not implying that she's not or that you don't know that, just stating my opinion) & if it works out that she is so completely unhappy or uncomfortable with this new situation then you should not continue with it, or at the very least back track (have him move out) & work him into her life more slowly. Of course, ask her to give him a chance first (if she hates it at first, it's probably normal. if she still hates it in six or eight weeks or more, you need to change things.)

2. He should not be disciplining her/making big decisions with her or for her/etc. While he should be seen as an adult who is to be treated with respect and kindness (as is everyone else) I would think that most teenagers would have a problem with someone suddenly coming into their lives & ordering them around. If he wants her to do chores, you & your daughter, or you, your Dom & your daughter could sit down & talk about what it is that she will have to do every day or every week & what consequences there will be if she does not do those chores.

3. Never make your daughter feel like your Dom is more important to you than she is. Neither of you should expect her to be submissive in any way to him. It's not her job to get him drinks or whatever. (It's one thing to say "bring me a glass of water" - even if you say please - & it's another to ask if she could please bring you a glass of water).

4. It might be best to have your daughter become acquainted with your Dom before he moves in so that she is comfortable around him & sees him as a fixture in her life & your life, not like he's company from out of town or something who will be leaving pretty soon.

5. Answer whatever questions your daugher has about your relationship as honestly as possible. I don't mean to tell her your what you do sexually or anything, but if she asks why you aren't being assertive, explain to her that this relationship is different and why.

6. Remember that you have the power to totally screw up your kid with this, so whatever you do, be cautious & loving with her.

Good luck!

 

[His_pita]

As a newbie to all this I would have to ask the stupid question of:
Would you turn the disciplining of your daughter over to your SO, or would you as Legal guardian of your daughter handle her discipline yourself? Kids can be different in their reactions depending on their opinions of the "new" step-parent - everything from hates the SO to gets along great with the SO. There were some boyfriends my mom had that I liked alot, and others that I couldn't stand. Same for my dad's wives - one was so-so, she didn't really talk to me much (living in different states and all) or discipline me or my brother, the third wife (my second step-mother) and I had severe personality clashes after a few years of knowing her.

Yes, I will handle the discipline for my daughter. When I said I wanted my Dom to help with that, I met ideally and when or if my daughter accepted him as a part of her life. She is my responsibility and I really do take that very seriously.


Thank you spankmesub, I completely agree with your post. My Dom and I will take every caution with my daughter in making her feel happy and secure in her new life.

 

[budderfwy]

His_pita, please permit me to share a short story with you. I have 3 children, one is a 14 year old daughter. My kids went to my ex's house after school and I would pick them up after I got off of work. One day they showed up and found that this woman had moved in, out of the blue, no warning, no nothing. He had mentioned that he was seeing somebody and was thinking of maybe her moving in, but that was it. I actually like this lady, she's very nice to my kids and as a parent I suppose that's the best I could ask for. My 14yo is not a stupid child by any means, and she is pissed that he would move somebody in that they didn't know, that he didn't see fit in making sure that they liked her, basically she feels that he did not consider them at all when she moved in. Right now, she could either take or leave her dad, wouldn't matter to her.

Pita, what I'm trying to say, is that I know how hard it is to make it by yourself, what a struggle it is. I know that you really want your Dom to move in with you, to be with you, but please reconsider just springing him on her.

Bottom line, is it worth risking the relationship you now have with your daughter? Is it worth the emotional turmoil she may go thru? Who knows Pita, maybe they will become best friends, but wouldn't it be better to give her the opportunity to get to know him first to ensure a smooth transition?

 

[His_pita]

Thank you for your sensitive and supportive advice budderfwy. I couldn't agree with you more and what you recommend is what we plan. I'm sorry we have not been clear.

We opened the thread with the hope of focusing on things we could do to help my daughter if the day to day living together works out as we dream. We're both sorry we got so far off track. If you have any ideas, we would still love to hear them.

 

[Etoile]

1. Your daughter should be most important to you at all times
(snip)
3. Never make your daughter feel like your Dom is more important to you than she is.

Thanks for reminding me of this. Here is an additional thought, again from the perspective of a stepchild.

Do not lead your daughter to believe that she will remain the most important person in your life even after your new partner has moved in. This is what my mother promised me when I was 11. After six years on our own (which sounds short, but it was all I had ever known, really) I was apprehensive about the new man in her life. She promised me that I would always be the most important person. After he was there, I definitely felt that she had lied to me.

Now that I'm older, I can see that I was competing for my mother's attention and affection unnecessarily - but that was how it felt. I felt that I was no longer important to her, and this made me angry with my new stepfather. I see now that I reacted like the child I was, but that doesn't change the hurt I felt.

Edited to add:
My mother and stepfather also met online, back in 1990 or 1991. I didn't know much about their relationship for a while - I didn't understand why my mother spent hours on the phone with him. At the time, they were just friends. In 1992, they met for the first time when we all attended a large intergenerational family summer camp. That was when they realized they were in love, and not much later he moved in. So I had had the opportunity to meet him, and I still was angry with my mother for introducing a new person from far away into our lives.

 

[shy slave]

Thanks for reminding me of this. Here is an additional thought, again from the perspective of a stepchild.

Do not lead your daughter to believe that she will remain the most important person in your life even after your new partner has moved in. This is what my mother promised me when I was 11. After six years on our own (which sounds short, but it was all I had ever known, really) I was apprehensive about the new man in her life. She promised me that I would always be the most important person. After he was there, I definitely felt that she had lied to me.

Now that I'm older, I can see that I was competing for my mother's attention and affection unnecessarily - but that was how it felt. I felt that I was no longer important to her, and this made me angry with my new stepfather. I see now that I reacted like the child I was, but that doesn't change the hurt I felt.

Edited to add:
My mother and stepfather also met online, back in 1990 or 1991. I didn't know much about their relationship for a while - I didn't understand why my mother spent hours on the phone with him. At the time, they were just friends. In 1992, they met for the first time when we all attended a large intergenerational family summer camp. That was when they realized they were in love, and not much later he moved in. So I had had the opportunity to meet him, and I still was angry with my mother for introducing a new person from far away into our lives.

Etoile

Thanks for sharing this I wonder if you could help me to understand what it was about his being 'a new person from far away' that caused you the most anger at that time?

 

[SteamyChik]

My husband and I got into the lifestyle when our children were babies. As they grew older and now into their teens, we have found it more comfortable for any D/s behavior to remain behind closed doors. One of the blessings of living it is not having to show it off. A raised eyebrow from him and a discreet bowing nod of the head from me can convey a lot.

I know that in the excitement of beginning a real life 24/7 life together, it is natural to want to be and do and say and act out all those things in your heart and soul and it may be hard to be rational about what is too much in front of a teen. It is the nature of the relationship that the focus is so much on each other and the dynamics between Dom and sub that it's easy to not tune in completely to those around you.

There has been a lot of wonderful thoughts in previous posts and it sounds like ya'll are on the right tract. I think I would leave the D/s out of it for a period of time (behind closed doors, when your daughter is spending the night somewhere etc...) until your daughter was use to a new person being around the house. Much happiness in your beginnings - wow - it brings back memories!

We sure do enjoy the nights the kids have activities and are out of the house

 

[Etoile]

Etoile

Thanks for sharing this I wonder if you could help me to understand what it was about his being 'a new person from far away' that caused you the most anger at that time?

Partly it was that he was my mother's friend, not mine. At that age I was too young to really understand romantic relationships, and I didn't understand why he had to be with us. But mostly it was that I didn't like the change - I had always been responsible for helping my mom when she was sick (which she was pretty often when I was a kid), for navigating in the car, things like that...and now those responsibilities were "stolen" away from me. Now, those weren't necessarily things a kid should be doing anyway, but I resented that he was taking away my mother's affection because I'd had it all to myself for several years.