How did you start?

[Roy Kay]

For a LONG time, I tended to see BDSM as a throw back to a negative and punitive view of sex. It was only through discussions of perfectly healthy liberated women that I came to see BDSM as simply a turn-on that ought not be over analyzed and mindfucked.

Now, I can enjoy humiliation play (which different people define diffferently), S&M and D/s play. I'm a play top, not a true dom. Ouside of scene, I want parity with my partner.

 

[Netzach]

FURRYFURY

I believe the kink is IT for most. Certainly the costume and toys. And I dont want to discount any of that because I have my own kink. But dominance is natural leadership, to my way of thinking, and submission is embracing death and release from fear. They are mirror images of the same phenomenon. Each serves the other. Each models how the other should be.

So if youre really dominant or submissive this other crap looks silly.

Actually, I think most leaders learn skills and learn how to lead from the reactions and reinforcement of the people they're in charge of. Just like people learn to follow through adequate leadership, they don't just exist in a vacuum as followers.

You may have the capability, but without skills, training, socialization, you have no idea how to actually inspire anyone to do anything. The myth of the natural leader since we were playing around on the playground and the person born with a whip in her hand is really just that. And looks just as silly as any toys or rubber hoods.

I'm in charge of my husband and my slave when I rose to the occasion. And when I fail to do that, I'm not in charge.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

.....

 

[Netzach]

NETZACH

Its no myth, because the traits arent myths, and traits are inherited.

Traits beat a fist full of diplomas and certificates.

Traits aren't universally recognized to mean the same thing. One person's leader is another person's buffoon. Understanding the people you purport to lead and speaking their language is what I'm talking about. This doesn't require a diploma, just a modicum of paying attention.

But its so much cooler to point out how much cooler one is than everyone else in a subculture, like you're one of the two percentile elite. Here's a news flash, a lot of people are fetishists *and* show up somewhere on the D/s spectrum. A lot of people didn't really begin to understand their sexuality till confronted with some imagery that isn't so stupid to them. And a lot of them are extremely thoughtful, intense, and intelligent people fully committed to their relationships and their authority dynamics.

I don't need anyone in the world to recognize me as an authority other than the people in my intimate romantic relationships and in service to me. I'd like the rest of them to pretty much leave me alone and I'll leave them alone, as power dynamics go. By your definition, I can't be Dominant unless heads magically turn and people scurry to do my bidding because I prioject the inner glow of authority.

I've met subs who have that ability, watched them give seminars. Not buying it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

.....

 

[Netzach]

Traits ARE universally recognized to mean the same thing.

Do you know what a trait is? Do you know they can be measured?

Step on a weight scale.

Get someone to measure your height.

Have an optometrist check your eyes.

The General Aptitude Test Battery (GATB) measures all kinds of traits.

The list of tests that measure traits is long. And you can test and norm virtually any cohort, say...doms or subs, for a profile.

If social dominance and dominance in a relationship were always on the same axis that would work. But they're not. I've been dominant to people who are socially more powerful than I am. They are not more powerful in relation to me through the process of their and my selection.

Hard as it is to believe, we're not wolves. And our private lives and public lives are different.

Look, if you need to believe you were born with it, hey, whatever blows your skirt. But I personally use a belt from Marshalls, if I was born with it I had to RE learn it, I like toys, and I don't turn off my D/s for the weekend, and I'm not any worse than anyone else.

 

[Homburg]

There is a wee bit of difference between stepping on a weight scale and doing a soft test for a profile of dom/sub.

I've been stepping into leadership roles my entire life. I happen into them because I intensely dislike group situations where there is a task needing to be done and no direction is being provided. I will step up and start motivating people without even thinking about it usually. It just happens.

That said, I didn't get involved in D/s until my early 30's (at the request of my submissive wife). Aside from playing around with handcuffs and scarves and the occassional blindfold, it never would have occurred to me to go further.

I don't think there are natural leaders. I think that some people, like myself, will just simply have the urge to step up. In my case, it was a natural thing, but I had to learn the skills to make it effective. And that required learning from those that I was leading.

That said, I do not actively seek leadership roles. I tend to abhor them, honestly. I want neither the hassle nor the responsibility. But when I get in the room full of sheep and something needs doing...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

.....

 

[HB1965]

HOMBURG

There ARE natural leaders and there ARE tests to measure virtually anything.

I'm a psychologist, for chrissake; tests is what we do. And I dont really need the tests to get a good idea of you. People are not algebra word problems; theyre pretty easy to figure out.

And let me tell you something...some of the doms on here aint doms. And some of the subs aint subs.

People are pretty easy to figure out? What form of psychology do you practice cause I'd love to learn. I'm a psychologist as well, and I can tell you that people aren't always that transparent and far more complicated than you're giving them credit for.

As far as the Doms and Subs here, as I said people are complicated. I know a Dom on another board who has a website filled with poetry and some pretty amazing photographs that she's taken of flowers. The average person wouldn't know what she does in her own home. So don't be too quick to judge anyone else.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

......

 

[Sir_Winston54]

One of the "discussions" in this thread reminds me why Fark.com has a

tag for links - the only state thus "honored."

 

[DVS]

What Was Your Sexual Timeline?

 

[HB1965]

One of the "discussions" in this thread reminds me why Fark.com has a

tag for links - the only state thus "honored."

Trolls come in all different packages don't they?

 

[nh23]

I had my first boyfriend tying me up when I was 15 or so, but didn't really get into anything heavy until I met my current Dom. He has been my first for flogging, canes, crops ect..

 

[LittleJade]

My ex... thought he was a Dom. He certainly had dominant tendencies, and he had a sadistic streak... but I was unaware of the lifestyle at that point, and quite unaware of the massive difference between his assholish behaviour and true Dominant behaviour.

He used to do things like:

tying me to the bed first thing in the morning, throwing cold water on me, and then leaving for work. He'd come home 9 or 10 hours later, to find me shivering, exhausted, and lying in my own urine, because he hadn't let me go pee before he bound me. He'd never tell me he was going to do it, he'd just do it. He'd untie me, bathe me, baby me, etc, but I just.. never quite GOT how this was supposed to be sexy.

Well duh, it WASN'T, but I was too naiive to know. I knew nothing about sex when I was with him- he was my first and took my virginity by force, despite my wanting to remain a virgin until marriage... and then he started doing things like that. *shrug*

I'm glad I left. I've since learned what a Dom is. That ex doesn't deserve the title, by a long shot.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

.....

 

[Homburg]

HOMBURG

There ARE natural leaders and there ARE tests to measure virtually anything.

I'm a psychologist, for chrissake; tests is what we do. And I dont really need the tests to get a good idea of you. People are not algebra word problems; theyre pretty easy to figure out.

And let me tell you something...some of the doms on here aint doms. And some of the subs aint subs.

Sure, there are tests for everything, I just disagree with the comparison between measuring weight and taking personality indexes. I can sit there and figure out how a test works pretty quickly, and can easily skew the results when I do. Hell, I don't even have to figure out the test. I can just flat lie. Fooling the scale is a different matter altogether. Game Theory can confound the hell out of personality indexing, but gravity is a stone cold bitch.

And, no, you don' tneed tests, just the ability to observe and recognize patterns. I'm no psychologist, but even I can do that.

And, in regards to your subsequent post, I did not get the impression that you were calling me out with your "doms on here aint doms" etc line. I've watched in in action during the short time I've been here, and seen it elsewhere, so I did not take it as some sort of indictment.

Hell, I'm dominant, and pretty badly so. "w" describes me as "reeking of Dominance", but even I don't consider myself wholly Dominant.

 

[BiBunny]

The image one projects on the Internet and/or in his or her everyday public life and the role that person takes in relationships do not necessarily fit together nicely. I've got a degree in psychology, too. Any therapist worth his/her salt knows that what a person says or does DOES NOT necessarily reflect how that person thinks or feels. If that were the case, very few people would need psychologists. Cognitive dissonance, anyone?

I'm fluid in real life, just like I'm fluid in my relationships. Under some circumstances, the dominant side of my personality comes out--with my horses, with my girlfriend Kitty (most of the time), and with submissives. Under other circumstances, the submissive side of my personality comes out--with my Owner B. (usually) and with people I don't know well. With the people I'm most comfortable with--Kitty and B.--I switch back and forth, depending on my mood, because I know they can handle me not being dominant all the time or not being submissive all the time without getting all fucked up in the head about it.

So, yeah, I guess you could say that I'm not the Domme I purport to be nor the submissive I purport to be, but that's only because I'm a switch. I can't deny either part of my personality. They're both integral to who I am and what I want in my life. I don't think anyone who's never known what's inside my heart could accurately label me. I give everyone else the same benefit of the doubt as well.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

.....

 

[Etoile]

BIBUNNY

If any of what you just posted is accurate, of what use is a degree in psychology? Why did you waste your time getting it?

I smell a rat.

I actually agree with BB 100%. People never say how they really feel, and nobody who isn't you can know how you really truly feel.

The suggestion that the only thing to do with a degree in psychology is become a psychologist is just silly. I'm not even going to touch the idea that people should only get degrees that aren't a waste of time.

 

[LittleJade]

I actually agree with BB 100%. People never say how they really feel, and nobody who isn't you can know how you really truly feel.

The suggestion that the only thing to do with a degree in psychology is become a psychologist is just silly. I'm not even going to touch the idea that people should only get degrees that aren't a waste of time.

*raising my hand*

Degree in ancient history/culture.

Talk about a complete 'waste of time'... it's pretty much useless. Except that it gave me a wonderful grounding in research, it gave me a wonderful background for discussions or politics, history, art, and current culture. It is my stepping stone to greater things... and I had an absolute BLAST doing it.

 

[CutieMouse]

*raising my hand*

Degree in ancient history/culture.

Talk about a complete 'waste of time'... it's pretty much useless. Except that it gave me a wonderful grounding in research, it gave me a wonderful background for discussions or politics, history, art, and current culture. It is my stepping stone to greater things... and I had an absolute BLAST doing it.

[geek hijack]

Oh. Sweet. Jeebus. What a FUN degree.

If I ever decide to go back and finish my BA, I'd do either Ancient History/Culture, or Classics, then either move on to an MLS in rare books, or a specialty programme in Boston that teaches binding and conservation.

[/geek hijack]

 

[BiBunny]

BIBUNNY

If any of what you just posted is accurate, of what use is a degree in psychology? Why did you waste your time getting it?

I smell a rat.

Must be you that you smell.

And I "wasted my time" getting a degree in psychology because I thought I would enjoy it. I was wrong. One of the reasons I hated it was the number of people with the people skills of an ape who were involved in the profession--pompous, overbearing, "I know everything, and you're a dumbass."

All was not lost, though. One has to have an undergraduate degree in something if one wants to attend law school. The master's in English I'm working on is just icing on the cake.

Now that we've finished comparing credentials, would you like to tell me why everything I have to say is bullshit? I'm not entirely sure what being a switch has to do with "wasting" a psych degree, though I'm sure the answer will be quite amusing.

 

[HB1965]

Must be you that you smell.

It's gotta be, and he's blind too. Other people have pretty much said the same thing you did. I think we should offer him a cane and some deordorant.

 

[BiBunny]

It's gotta be, and he's blind too. Other people have pretty much said the same thing you did. I think we should offer him a cane and some deordorant.

I bow to your evilness.