How do you deal with jealousy?

[snoozebutton]

I am not the possesive type. I've seen and heard of men who control when and if their partner can speak to friends. Or even speak to them at all. I had a friend here whose Dom was such a type and now we've lost touch. He didn't want her talking to others even her submissive friends. Doms like that have no self esteem. Worse they project their insecurities onto their submissives. How can you dominate another if you can't control your own feelings.They have since broken up and I was glad. So his sickness was on the other end of the spectrum. I give my submissives freedom to talk with whomever they choose. They in return know I have the same freedom. I believe you have to let your partners have space or they will feel closed in and trapped. I'm not saying go to extremes. But having friendships is healthy. I just wanted to ring in a little for the other side of the extreme.

 

[fallon2]

I miss

I miss brat. If she is reading this pm me or e mail me. nybody know how she is doing? A wonderful person and woman, I miss wilfulbrat!

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

With out reading all the posts.... My opinion is if you have 100% trust there should be no jealousy....If you are feeling jealous there might be a trust issue going on....

Not say that this is the case.. but food for thougtht... .

DGN

 

[Desdemona]

With out reading all the posts.... My opinion is if you have 100% trust there should be no jealousy....If you are feeling jealous there might be a trust issue going on....

Not say that this is the case.. but food for thougtht... .

DGN

There are other variables besides trust that play into it. For instance, if your time with your partner is limited, it becomes harder to accept that person playing with someone else because it can feel as if they are taking something valuable away from you... i.e. time. That's just one example.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Jealousy for me, usually comes with a feeling of competition. If I feel I have to compete with another for attention or affection, I back off and walk away.

I only compete in backgammon.

 

[WriterDom]

Re: I miss

I miss brat. If she is reading this pm me or e mail me. nybody know how she is doing? A wonderful person and woman, I miss wilfulbrat!

I chatted with her maybe 6 weeks ago and haven't seen her online since. Did just email her and it wasn't returned so I guess she is still around. Never met her in person, but she is a sweetheart.

 

[MastrJ]

I feel jealous when I see my sub flirting with other men. I trust her, but it makes me feel inadequate. I remind myself that I will be the one she comes home with, and it helps some. I've just lost too many women to better looking guys over the years, that I have a hard time getting over that feeling of not being good enough. On the plus side, it's a feeling that goes away soon afterwards and it doesn't affect my feelings for my sub. Until my self-image is a little more positive, I guess it's something I'll have to work on.

 

[Guest]

That has been something that Master and I have had to deal with. I found it was because of not only my insecurity but his as well. By that I mean we have both been insure about ourselves in a different manner (or should I say our own self-esteem). I am guilty of having it worst than him. He worked with me and I spoke of my fears and concerns to him each time that green devil showed up. There was alot of times I brewed about it before speaking to him but eventually we did talk about it. Luckily with lots and lots of struggle we have worked things out and put things on the table much faster than we use to.

Yes, it almost caused us to split up but somehow we worked things out. The point that was made about communication is a very good point. Without it we could not have made it. I also kept a journal too. And when things bothered me and I needed him to know I would leave it open on our bed and he knew that meant I needed him to read it because something was bothering me. Funny thing about a journal, putting thoughts down and being open with Master about it paid off. He is also open about things with me now too. (Hearing a lecture about both being transparent helped too). We found we think alot on most everything.

As far as him playing others - we have agreed that he will not play others unless I am with him nor can others play me unless he gives permission and is around. The neat thing for me is being there with him and being able to assist with it. I actually find it kind of neat because I know what he can do and how I feel when we get our time to play. We have also agreed that what is not shared with others is our intimacy. That is kept between us only. That alone had kept that jealously devil under control.

Bottom line, be open, talk, talk, and talk some more. If there is a fear - express it. If there is a concern - speak it. The more you hide things the more damage that can be caused because your partner does not know how you think or feel unless you share it.

 

[Guest]

I only compete in backgammon.

Jealousy for me, usually comes with a feeling of competition. If I feel I have to compete with another for attention or affection, I back off and walk away.

I only compete in backgammon.

************************************

I totally agree with that. If I feel I have to compete I will walk away first. I have not been one to compete over anyone. Either that want only me or that want others. Games are for competition, not my heart.

 

[FungiUg]

There are other variables besides trust that play into it.

I'd agree. Jealousy is too complex an issue to be dealt with that simply. There's also personality type and experience to throw into the mix (at least!)

I'm not the jealous type, but I have had partners who were. So indirectly, it is something I have dealt with.

 

[SierraMoon]

i'm finding that i'm dealing with my jealousy very well. As long as i know that He loves me, and wants to keep me, it doesn't matter what He does.

 

[FungiUg]

I guess when you know about an issue, you can deal with it. I know that I didn't really struggle to deal with my ex-wife's jealousy -- although I would never enter into another relationship now with similar issues.

 

[Kataklysm]

Jealousy for me, usually comes with a feeling of competition. If I feel I have to compete with another for attention or affection, I back off and walk away.

I only compete in backgammon.

I feel this way as well.


Except for the backgammon part.

 

[SierraMoon]

imo, Honesty is the best way to squelch any jealousy.

 

[Desdemona]

imo, Honesty is the best way to squelch any jealousy.

Jealousy can be about many things. If it's a trust issue, then yes, I think honesty would help. Perhaps honest discussion helps. But I don't believe honesty is the only answer. At least, that hasn't been my experience.

 

[FungiUg]

Well, how about honesty and a damned good spanking then?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Jealousy can be about many things. If it's a trust issue, then yes, I think honesty would help. Perhaps honest discussion helps. But I don't believe honesty is the only answer. At least, that hasn't been my experience.

Have to agree Des. Before this relationship I would have been one of the ones saying I don't experience jealousy, just as Master was, but we have both discovered it now and it is not as simple as 'let's talk' and all will magically be resolved in an instant. Sometimes it is the honesty which helps flame the jealousy, though I would prefer that than hidden secrets and lies.

Trust also is deep with us, but also has nothing to do with knowing someone you care for can be attracted to or involved with someone else on whatever level, or someone else can be attracted to them, take their time, look up to them in a way which demands some form of attention. For us we have set in place rules we abide by to try and lessen any fallout from such things happening, but nothing is going to stop that primeval instinct to want to feel what we share is so special it cannot be shared by another, cannot be threatened by a twist of fate.

I also think intimacy has a lot to do with jealousy. It is such an intangible thing, something which usually exists between two people....to feel there are others who want to invade that space, no matter how innocently, does not necessarily mean there is a lack of trust or honesty, just a recognition of intrusion into a space which holds such specialness and which through the necessity of busy lives, does not happen every day of the week so is fiercely protected by those who find it. It is not irrational, nor unfounded, just natural when you care so deeply you feel that you are one.

Catalina

 

[Shadowsdream]

Jealousy holds no place of acceptance for Me in My life.

I am not possessive nor do I experience any insecurities that give Me any inclination to feel threatened in a relationship.

I will not keep a submissive that has jealous tendencies because with the open honesty I give I will not ever accept being in a position to feel obligated to change who I am to cater to anothers insecurities.

Jealousy is discussed and My feelings on it and the whys I feel this way are worked out long before a committment is made.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I do think feeling jealousy and acting on it are two different things, and as much as I or another might think they have no susceptibility to something because it has never previously been an issue, life sometimes jumps up and bites you in the arse when you least expect or understand it. Is also true IMO that sometimes by not dealing with or accepting something is so or acceptable in yourself or another, it is born of insecurities and issues deeply buried and banished from sight so they do not have to be faced or dealt with...an Achilles heel of sorts.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Well... I also think there's an element of inherent personality type involved as well. Some people just don't seem to get jealous (myself included.) Others do.

 

[SierraMoon]

Well, i guess i was referring to my relationships... as long as someone was upfront and honest with me, i can deal with anything. It's when i feel that something is going on, and the other won't admit it, that the green eyed monster takes over.... like they are trying to hide something from me...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well... I also think there's an element of inherent personality type involved as well. Some people just don't seem to get jealous (myself included.) Others do.

Took me 45 years and yet I have had deep relationships before which gave me far more reason to have doubts etc., so not sure about personality types, though for some it could. F is the same.....in the past he couldn't have cared less and would have cut any sub loose he found was messing up, but that has changed even though logically he has no reason to be jealous as I don't either. Is not so simple I suspect. I also often hear many Dominants proclaim it unacceptable and a sign of insecurity, but loudly announce they will not tolerate their subs even thinking about looking at another. How can it be a sign of insecurity in a sub, but not in a Dominant?

Catalina

 

[s'lara]

There isn't a template for jealousy. It just wouldn't apply to all of us.

i think jealousy is a natural reaction to feeling insecure about someone or yourself. Jealousy certainly isn't a state i would cultivate, but i've been a victim of it on occasion. The way i deal with it is to have an intense moment of heated anger then a realization that i likely am overreacting followed by embarassment at having felt that way in the first place.

Working through it verbally is key. Honesty? Well jealousy shouldn't be the reason why a couple remains honest with each other. However, there should be some discussion where both parties are upfront and clear about what the exact issues are without holding anything back. Dishonesty can brew suspicions then watch out when the jealousy explodes into the next level.

i don't think anyone is beyond jealousy. However, i do believe it is possible to reach a point where you don't give into jealousy. To resist it is a learned response imo. All the better for those who learned not to allow themselves to be taken in by jealous feelings and moved beyond them. i'd like to be there myself someday.

lara

 

[redelicious]

Well, i guess i was referring to my relationships... as long as someone was upfront and honest with me, i can deal with anything. It's when i feel that something is going on, and the other won't admit it, that the green eyed monster takes over.... like they are trying to hide something from me...

Yep. Seems like so many issues could be resolved by just being honest from the start.

 

[FungiUg]

Yep. Seems like so many issues could be resolved by just being honest from the start.

Well, yes and no. Some issues are just, well, hard to resolve, irrespective of honesty. And from my experience, jealousy is one of them. Not the only one though.

For example, if I said I were desperately in love with Red, and wanted to be with her NOW, wanted her to give herself to me... well... it'd be the start of a whole heap of issues! Honesty aside, I doubt that could be resolved. (Not in my favour, anyway.)

Some issues can be worked through. Some, on the other hand, are just not worth it. Better to move on, and (in my case) sob in my beer.

Now all I need is to learn to like beer...