How do you deal with jealousy?

[shy slave]

Re: A sub

I reminded her then (as she reminded me now) that jealousy is a poor as well as wasted emotion and serves no good purpose.

Jealousy is such a destroyer of a marriage but also between the Master and the sub.

I agree with Tiger, its not necessarily a wasted emotion. It depends on the people involved and the situation.

I cannot 'play' and frankly I admire anyone who can.
When i was looking for a Master several were married and I can't cope with the 'MY wife doesn't understand me' line in any of its forms.

I have a jealous streak a mile wide.
When my husband slept with the next door neighbour last year (well the last 4 yrs but i never noticed until last year lol), it was not the sex; but the sharing of secrets, desires and emotional intimacy that I found difficult to take.

Now I am with Him I could not cope if He chose to 'play' with another sub or slave. Inside it would kill something within me.

We live apart and I trust Him, I do not get jealous at the thought of Him being in female company, or around women in general; but I would walk away if He 'played' sexually or emotionally with them.

This is something we have talked about many times and He has expressed the same feelings.
We have agreed that sjould we attend parties we only play with each other.

Red Vixen ~ I have not been in your situation but deep down I am guessing You know what You want for You.
Remember its what You want now, that can count.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing (thats why mothers say i told you so!!), but what do YOU want for YOU right now??
If you really don't know, my advice ~ do nothing until you do know.
Sooner or later you will know and then you can act on it. Just be homest with yourself, sometimes it pays to let others look after themselves.
Relationships suck sometimes

 

[fallon2]

Explain to me

Please explain to me HOW jealousy is NOT a wasted emotion?

What good purpose does it do? How is it healthy?

 

[TigerClaw]

Re: Re: A sub

If you really don't know, my advice ~ do nothing until you do know.

I agree with your post. Especially this line here. Dont get paralyzed by something but definitely take the time to think about what it is you really want. You have my opinion and you have Fallons and others. Two different points of view for different life styles. What is it that you truly want. Once you decide go for it.

Please explain to me HOW jealousy is NOT a wasted emotion?

What good purpose does it do? How is it healthy?

Fallon I think in your example you are exactly right. In the example you gave in terms of sharing both partners have to be ok with it or learn to be ok with it.

I was not nor do I want a sharing relationship. I agree with shy slave but I do include the sex, " the sharing of secrets, desires and emotional intimacy that I found difficult to take." Also the closing off and what is meant to each other is given away.

Your example is different. I can imagine jealousy being a liability in that life style. I think it is part of human nature. If you can ignore, delete out of yourself, or even never had it, I would imagine that would be beneficial to you.

 

[SwtSouthrnSub]

Re: Re: A sub

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[shy slave]

I couldn't have said it better myself. Finding out that your partner is sharing those secrets, desires and emotional intimacies with another is perhaps the worst thing of all.

I happened to find some letters passed between the two of them. Seeing his words, and terms of endearment shared with another (that I thought were unique to our relationship) hurt as much or more than the indescretion in itself.

Trying to trust again, after an indesgretion, is perhaps the hardest thing to do. You want to. You try to. But you'll never forget, even if you do forgive. It's called self-preservation. I'm not saying that I don't trust him, but our relationship will always be colored by what happened. You want to remain safe, and even guarded while making attempts to resolve problems and restructure the relationship if needed.

And when trying to be honest, you occasionally get the "You don't trust me, do you?" stuff again. It isn't easy. When the other party involved is in a bad mood, it's all to easy to place the blame on your lack of trust instead of remembering how you got there in the first place.

I admire you for trying to make it work out after his indescretion (what a nice word for a horrible act). I could not do that. At first I was angry but then pretty cold about it ~ self preservation.

Fallon ~ it was the slow burn of jealousy that gave me the courage to get him to leave.
Had I been so jealous that it was out of control I would have had an impossible time trying not to beat up on both of them. As it was I allowed him time to move out (5 mths) and still speak to him.
Irrationally I don't speak to her, I know she did not ruin my life and it takes two, but I still cannot speak to her, not even 'Hello.'

Whether a relationship is vanilla or BDSM you set ground rules, sometimes unspoken ones, you make compromises and sacrifices for the other person. If your rules say you can play with others as long as its known (Fungiug's example), then jealously may come into it when the other person crosses that boundry.

All humans have all emotions to some degree or another.

Psychopaths have feelings of guilt over particular issues but they are considered outside the 'norms' of guilt triggers.

Humans can be irrational in 100's of ways, its not always easy to sort out our feelings and be objective when we feel betrayed by someone we trusted.

 

[Technodivinitas]

I know I'm jumpin in late...

...and I haven't read the entire thread, since I'm way too distractable to manage it atm, but my Master has a wife, whom he met and married after he & I had been together for 4 years. (We're well into 9 now. )

At first, it happened because we had a brief split. not a full break up, just needed to stretch our wings and see other people to see how we felt. I met someone, so did he. (My friend and I are still very close, though not together- never were, actually.)

Anyway, she and I don't exactly get along all the time, and to be honest, I'm convinced that their time together is going to eventually turn out somewhat finite, and I say that with no real cattiness at all. She and I both make efforts to get along, but except for the wedding itself, jealousy has been a fairly small issue. (For me, at least.) I actually served as his Best "man", and later, when the paperwork got screwwed up, performed my first Unversal Life ceremony, so I got to be the minister, too!

But the days before and immediately after the wedding were tough. After, sobbing in the yurt, (It's a Mongolian canvas house- the wedding was S.C.A.-oriented,) he came in, and held me when he should have been greeting and drinking with the guests. And he looked me in the eyes, and told me that he loved me every bit as he always had, and that I could never and would never be replaced. And spiritually, we formed something pretty far beyond marital bonds in that moment. It still took a few days for the tears to stop, but the healing happened right then.

And here's the Zen balance I've since managed to regain: I love this man. If there are parts of him that I cannot fulfil, (and I'm human, so that's a given,) then I want him to find that fulfillment, and in finding that somewhere else, he frees me to be entirely myself, and to never have to struggle to be for him all the things that I'm not. Likewise, I free her. And since what we each are to him is entirely unique, we couldn't replace one another if we tried. (Of course, because we are so different, there's bound to be friction, but that's okay.)

Typically, he is completely a jealous growling snarling wolf when it comes to what's his, but on the rare occasion that I've gotten involved with another, he's managed his jealousy admirably well. (That's the magic I always come back to in my master though- he's rough, and earthy, and moody, and frequently childish, and yet, the moment it really matters, he's absolutely there, and knows exactly what to say, and how to hold me, and make everything blissful again.)

 

[shy slave]

Techno

What can I say you are an amazing woman



I could not begin to cope with being with Master and have him marry a different person, as for being at the wedding and complete the ceremony. Words truely fail me.

I hope he realise how lucky he is, as i feel a queue forming around the block from other PYL's ....