How do you help someone get over being abused
- Thread starter Gil_T2
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Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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Well I am happy because after six and a half years my ex has finished paying the matrimonial property settlement, he decided to pay the balance owing in one lump sum.
Apart from anything to do with the kids (who are both well over 18 now) I no longer have to have any dealings with him.
And apart from those wonderful kids, I still feel like I wasted 23 years of my life
However if things had been different I would never have met Gil. So I guess that bad part was necessary to finally get the good part....
Apart from anything to do with the kids (who are both well over 18 now) I no longer have to have any dealings with him.
And apart from those wonderful kids, I still feel like I wasted 23 years of my life
However if things had been different I would never have met Gil. So I guess that bad part was necessary to finally get the good part....Well I am happy because after six and a half years my ex has finished paying the matrimonial property settlement, he decided to pay the balance owing in one lump sum.
Apart from anything to do with the kids (who are both well over 18 now) I no longer have to have any dealings with him.
And apart from those wonderful kids, I still feel like I wasted 23 years of my life
That's great news!
And your attitude about Gil is, I think, the best one - you can't get the past back, but you found a good future, it seems. Make the most of it.
Noor
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Gil_T2
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sadangel
angel Graham!!
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I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realize life can and will be better ?
It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.
As one who came out of an abusive relationship recently, I'll answer with what helped me.
1. Be there. Even if you can only be there by phone or email, just be there.
2. Understand that sometimes, we (The survivor) are so emotional that we don't quite know how to deal with simple things. Sometimes we burst into tears for no reason or we get angry over some little thing, more so than when it's "That time of the month" and so we need you to be understanding.
3. Be consistent. If you say you will be somewhere or do something for the survivor, then please do it. We've become so used to the inconstancies and we need some stability in our life, even if it's just that you said you'd be on line at 5 pm, then please be there. We look for any little thing to keep us going.
4. Keep reminding us that life does get better. Remind us that sometimes we have to walk through fire to become the refined person that we can be. Remind us that we are worthy of love, even just the love a good friend.
5. Allow us to decide if we can handle physical contact. I myself find that I want less from most people. I appreciate the ones that ask first. Don't be angry if the survivor doesn't want a hug or to be touched. Try to just be there and understand. In time, more than likely, it will change.
6. Understand that even you will be subject to those periods where the survivor will have difficulty trusting you. Keep showing that you are loyal, dependable and trustworthy.
7. Help them to find something that helps them to see that there is more to life than abuse. Perhaps you know their favorite charity, so point them toward maybe volunteering for it or something to that affect. Maybe they never finished high school or college. Encourage them to finish their schooling...even if it is one course at a time.
Hope this helps a little.
CherryBomb24
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I've ready quite a bit of this thread.
I was in a really bad situation, as i tend to call it.
Thank you Quoll for pointing it out to me, much appreciated it.
I'd post details n such but i'm not sure if i feel comfortable enough to do so-nothing against you guys because from what i can see so far its a great community, but its beyond my comfort zone atm.
and Sad - i'm going to save your post, i think my boyfriend needs to see that.
I was in a really bad situation, as i tend to call it.
Thank you Quoll for pointing it out to me, much appreciated it.
I'd post details n such but i'm not sure if i feel comfortable enough to do so-nothing against you guys because from what i can see so far its a great community, but its beyond my comfort zone atm.
and Sad - i'm going to save your post, i think my boyfriend needs to see that.
Quoll
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As the husband of an abuse survivor I couldn't agree more with this list, absolutely perfect.
As a little aside in relation to No:5.
I had developed a one handed hug for certain friends who have gone through some serious abuse, it gave them a way out if they were feeling overwhelmed.
A few years ago we were visiting one of these friends and I hugged her as usual, she stepped back and looked me in the eye, "Hug me properly" she said.
It's hard to explain how that made me feel, I'm not sure whether I was happier for the trust she gave me or for the confidence she had in herself, but I still get teary eyed when I think about it.
Quoll
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There's absolutely no need to post details, you give and take from this thread only what you need. Sometimes it's enough just to know you are not alone.
I have one thing to add to SadAngel's very comprehensive list. I agree with everything she's said, but there's one more thing I'd like people to know.
Be patient.
When I met my boyfriend, I couldn't let him take care of me. I couldn't let him give me money to help with groceries when my ex-husband bailed on paying his child support. I couldn't let him see me cry, because in the past crying had always led to someone getting pissed off at me.
He desperately wanted to be there for me, especially as I grew to trust him enough to tell him what I'd been through during my childhood and my marriage. I wasn't able at first to let him be. So he was patient, and he waited, and he quietly and subtly rejoiced each time I took a step toward letting myself be treated well by him. A couple months ago- two months yesterday, in fact- my kids and I moved two hours south to live with him. I finally managed to trust him that much.
Right now, we're going through a health scare; I found out a week or so ago that I most likely will need a hysterectomy, and there's a possibility that cancer's involved. My doctor has pulled me out of work, so I don't have any income, and there are days when I get up, spend an hour or two writing, and am then so tired I sleep for three hours. During my childhood, when I got sick, my father ignored me (he's a germophobe, he didn't want to catch anything) and my mother got irritated because I was imposing on her. By the time I was six or seven, I was taking care of myself when I was sick. During my marriage, my husband expected me to take care of him and the house- and kids, after we had them- no matter how ill I was. It was like a personal insult to him if I was too sick to get out of bed. A week after a C-section, I was lugging laundry across the apartment complex to wash it. During a violent gall bladder attack, I had to drive myself to the emergency room.
But my boyfriend is taking care of me. I went to work Saturday- hadn't been pulled out yet- and after two hours was exhausted and light-headed, and knew I couldn't drive home. He and his sister came up to get me. He brought me home, fed me, and put me to bed. During the summer, he isn't supposed to ask for time off on weekends, but he took the entire weekend off to take care of me and make sure I didn't overdo, and even though he hates my ex and avoids him at all costs, he went to pick up my daughters after their weekend visitation. He told me not to worry about money, and that if I lose my job his father and uncle, whom he works for, will find me stuff to do at their office until I can find another permanent job. The most important thing he's doing for me is just being there, holding me, comforting me, letting me cry and rant and yell at the pain and exhaustion.
A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do any of that. I would have pushed myself till I collapsed rather than "imposing" on him or showing any weakness. Because he's been patient and has let me grow, now I can say, "I can't be strong right now. Please be strong for me for a little while."
Be patient.
When I met my boyfriend, I couldn't let him take care of me. I couldn't let him give me money to help with groceries when my ex-husband bailed on paying his child support. I couldn't let him see me cry, because in the past crying had always led to someone getting pissed off at me.
He desperately wanted to be there for me, especially as I grew to trust him enough to tell him what I'd been through during my childhood and my marriage. I wasn't able at first to let him be. So he was patient, and he waited, and he quietly and subtly rejoiced each time I took a step toward letting myself be treated well by him. A couple months ago- two months yesterday, in fact- my kids and I moved two hours south to live with him. I finally managed to trust him that much.
Right now, we're going through a health scare; I found out a week or so ago that I most likely will need a hysterectomy, and there's a possibility that cancer's involved. My doctor has pulled me out of work, so I don't have any income, and there are days when I get up, spend an hour or two writing, and am then so tired I sleep for three hours. During my childhood, when I got sick, my father ignored me (he's a germophobe, he didn't want to catch anything) and my mother got irritated because I was imposing on her. By the time I was six or seven, I was taking care of myself when I was sick. During my marriage, my husband expected me to take care of him and the house- and kids, after we had them- no matter how ill I was. It was like a personal insult to him if I was too sick to get out of bed. A week after a C-section, I was lugging laundry across the apartment complex to wash it. During a violent gall bladder attack, I had to drive myself to the emergency room.
But my boyfriend is taking care of me. I went to work Saturday- hadn't been pulled out yet- and after two hours was exhausted and light-headed, and knew I couldn't drive home. He and his sister came up to get me. He brought me home, fed me, and put me to bed. During the summer, he isn't supposed to ask for time off on weekends, but he took the entire weekend off to take care of me and make sure I didn't overdo, and even though he hates my ex and avoids him at all costs, he went to pick up my daughters after their weekend visitation. He told me not to worry about money, and that if I lose my job his father and uncle, whom he works for, will find me stuff to do at their office until I can find another permanent job. The most important thing he's doing for me is just being there, holding me, comforting me, letting me cry and rant and yell at the pain and exhaustion.
A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do any of that. I would have pushed myself till I collapsed rather than "imposing" on him or showing any weakness. Because he's been patient and has let me grow, now I can say, "I can't be strong right now. Please be strong for me for a little while."
Cherry, welcome. You're among those who understand here, and I for one am glad you found this thread. Like Quoll said, share what and how much you're comfortable with. Just know that you aren't alone.
Gil_T2
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Hi Cherry, No need to open up as this is for you only to decide when, how & if.
Your likely found by reading the thread a bit to help you regardless but if you ever want to chat, email orPM any of us please feel free to do so.
Those that know understand.
Gil_T2
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Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
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BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP
Just incase anyones is in need feel free to read as this might also help anyone on eany side of abuse.
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
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See a need, fill a need.
BUMPing Quoll & saying you have a wonderful AV paying respect to out fallen diggers.
Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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*sigh*
From what my mother has been telling me on the phone, my brother is emotionally abusing his wife
He gets angry with her for what he sees as "mess", which is her craft stuff. Yes she has a lot of it and sometimes it's all over the lounge when she's working with it, but that's no excuse to yell at her. And as soon as he comes home from work he seems to find other stuff to growl at her about.
She really loves him but he doesn't show her much affection. It seems lately all he does is criticise. I love my brother but his behaviour is distinctly arsehole-ish Our father was never like that so I don't know where he's got it from
I want to slap him
From what my mother has been telling me on the phone, my brother is emotionally abusing his wife
He gets angry with her for what he sees as "mess", which is her craft stuff. Yes she has a lot of it and sometimes it's all over the lounge when she's working with it, but that's no excuse to yell at her. And as soon as he comes home from work he seems to find other stuff to growl at her about.
She really loves him but he doesn't show her much affection. It seems lately all he does is criticise. I love my brother but his behaviour is distinctly arsehole-ish
Our father was never like that so I don't know where he's got it from I want to slap him
Noor
Citizen of the World
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*sigh*
From what my mother has been telling me on the phone, my brother is emotionally abusing his wife
He gets angry with her for what he sees as "mess", which is her craft stuff. Yes she has a lot of it and sometimes it's all over the lounge when she's working with it, but that's no excuse to yell at her. And as soon as he comes home from work he seems to find other stuff to growl at her about.
She really loves him but he doesn't show her much affection. It seems lately all he does is criticise. I love my brother but his behaviour is distinctly arsehole-ish
I want to slap him
If he hasn't always been this way, I wonder if he has issues at work and is taking them out on her.
She needs a space that is hers to do with as she likes.
Someone needs to talk to him, but violence is not the answer...
Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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He's been like this for a few years now, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. Mum's too scared to say anything and I'm across the ditch and I've only got what she's told me to go on.
I've suggested to Mum that she suggest to him that they get a small room built on to the garage for her to use for her stuff. Will have to see how that's received...
A slap might just wake his ideas up...yes I know it's not the answer but he's so stubborn and blinkered sometimes
Gil_T2
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Well BANDIT
& I are still extremely happy with our lives & it is only the health problems that lessen the happiness.Sadly I haven't heard from so many who have passed through the thread so I'm in hope that their abesnce is due to being happier & dealing with the past.
shortstuff02
Experienced
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I have been physically abused in the fact that my ex husband tied me up. I wanted to do this for him but he got so into it and would not stop. Not my tears or screaming got him to stop. With this I ended up with rotator cuff damage and emotional damage as well. I ended up having to have surgery because of it. I kept this in for almost 6 years. I finally had met someone new when I finally had enough. He knew I had gone through something really bad but didn't know what. He was patient and told me he would be here for me whenever I decided I wanted to talk about any or all of it. Also he knew that due to my past it made me very scared and insecure. I had trouble trusting men. Finally we sat down and I told him I wanted to tell him. We did but it took me a while to get out what happened. He held me and was there for me completely when I told him. Afterwards I was in tears. He held me til I stopped crying. His patience and love helped me more than he will ever know.
In time I learned that I could trust him completely and actually asked if we could try it some with restraining me. I wanted to move past my demons. We did and he constantly asked if I was ok and didn't want to do anything to hurt me.
I think the main keys are patience, understanding, listening and compassion. Thankfully now I can talk about what happened and have helped others when they have been through things. I was only able to help because he helped me work through it.
In time I learned that I could trust him completely and actually asked if we could try it some with restraining me. I wanted to move past my demons. We did and he constantly asked if I was ok and didn't want to do anything to hurt me.
I think the main keys are patience, understanding, listening and compassion. Thankfully now I can talk about what happened and have helped others when they have been through things. I was only able to help because he helped me work through it.
