How do you help someone get over being abused

[PertPerth]

*sigh*
I want to slap him

Ditto with my brother. Only, I can't do it. He's hurt me too much and (as I keep reminding myself) He is not my responsibility.

 

[Blackbich]

<snip>
I had developed a one handed hug for certain friends who have gone through some serious abuse, it gave them a way out if they were feeling overwhelmed.
A few years ago we were visiting one of these friends and I hugged her as usual, she stepped back and looked me in the eye, "Hug me properly" she said.
It's hard to explain how that made me feel, I'm not sure whether I was happier for the trust she gave me or for the confidence she had in herself, but I still get teary eyed when I think about it.

This is a great story.

(((Quoll)))

 

[Blackbich]

Well BANDIT & I are still extremely happy with our lives & it is only the health problems that lessen the happiness.

Sadly I haven't heard from so many who have passed through the thread so I'm in hope that their abesnce is due to being happier & dealing with the past.

(((Gil)))

This thread has been a godsend for so many. I know I was away for a long time due to financial issues. Now, with the laptop, that isn't quite as much of an issue. Plus, the few times I've visited Lit the atmosphere of the board seems to have changed some...I can't explain it. Now that I know this thread is still here, I will try to pop on more.

 

[Bandit58]

I have been physically abused in the fact that my ex husband tied me up. I wanted to do this for him but he got so into it and would not stop. Not my tears or screaming got him to stop. With this I ended up with rotator cuff damage and emotional damage as well. I ended up having to have surgery because of it. I kept this in for almost 6 years. I finally had met someone new when I finally had enough. He knew I had gone through something really bad but didn't know what. He was patient and told me he would be here for me whenever I decided I wanted to talk about any or all of it. Also he knew that due to my past it made me very scared and insecure. I had trouble trusting men. Finally we sat down and I told him I wanted to tell him. We did but it took me a while to get out what happened. He held me and was there for me completely when I told him. Afterwards I was in tears. He held me til I stopped crying. His patience and love helped me more than he will ever know.

In time I learned that I could trust him completely and actually asked if we could try it some with restraining me. I wanted to move past my demons. We did and he constantly asked if I was ok and didn't want to do anything to hurt me.

I think the main keys are patience, understanding, listening and compassion. Thankfully now I can talk about what happened and have helped others when they have been through things. I was only able to help because he helped me work through it.

I am so sorry that this happened to you but very glad you have found someone who loves and cares about you, that's great I know

Do you have a safe word for when you are restrained? Gil and I use the "traffic light" system - yellow for "please back off a bit, I'm feeling squirmy", green for "everything's ok please continue" and red for "STOP NOW!". Easy to remember in the heat of the moment, and RED is unmistakable for STOP as sometimes the word stop can mean "oh yes I'm really having fun here" lol

We also have a safe signal for when my mouth is busy three taps on His thigh and He pulls back to let me breathe. We don't use gags but those who do have something like a small ball or hanky they can drop to let the Dom know there is something wrong.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Just passing through wishing best to each in all in this thread and for those just reading it to with ( healing hugs for those wishing them to )

 

[Gil_T2]

Just passing through wishing best to each in all in this thread and for those just reading it to with ( healing hugs for those wishing them to )

Good to see you drop in to the thread.

 

[Blackbich]

Popping by to say hi and that I hope you are all doing well.

 

[Gil_T2]

Popping by to say hi and that I hope you are all doing well.

Thanks for popping in Blackbich & hope your also doing well.

 

[Gil_T2]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP



BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP
Just incase anyones is in need feel free to read as this might also help anyone on eany side of abuse.

 

[shhhshhh]

Do not make someone else's problems your own


... 8 and a half years ago apparently.

 

[Noor]

Do not make someone else's problems your own


... 8 and a half years ago apparently.

When no one you care about is being abused its easy to dismiss such problems. There are many abusers out there and many damaged people from that experience. Its not as simple as getting rid of the abuser and stopping the abuse, the abused person needs whatever help they can to get beyond it.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Just dropping a line to wish all the best with hugs for those wishing or needing them

 

[Gil_T2]

Do not make someone else's problems your own


... 8 and a half years ago apparently.

Well I'm pleased to say that some HUMANS do care about others as it sounds like your given up on this but it does work for many others, sorry your so bitter.

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Gil. How are you doing lately. I haven't been on in a long time but I'm still around and miss talking to everyone here. Hopefully I can get here more now. Take care. Hug Bandit for me.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Gil. How are you doing lately. I haven't been on in a long time but I'm still around and miss talking to everyone here. Hopefully I can get here more now. Take care. Hug Bandit for me.

Hello dear lady,
Wonderful to see you drop in to let us know we will be seeing more of you here.

I'm doing well Kiki with BANDIT's love & care I have the easy part so I'm very thankful for her love & care she gives me, I'm blessed to have her in my life.

I'm not sure BANDIT will notice an extra hug as I always give her lots everyday but I will tell her my very next hugs is from you.

 

[kikmosa]

Hello dear lady,
Wonderful to see you drop in to let us know we will be seeing more of you here.

I'm doing well Kiki with BANDIT's love & care I have the easy part so I'm very thankful for her love & care she gives me, I'm blessed to have her in my life.

I'm not sure BANDIT will notice an extra hug as I always give her lots everyday but I will tell her my very next hugs is from you.

Yes, I'm sure you keep her well supplied with hugs I'm also sure I'll be here more often now. I have a lot more time on my hands lately. Look forward to seeing my old friends again.

 

[Quoll]

Yes, I'm sure you keep her well supplied with hugs I'm also sure I'll be here more often now. I have a lot more time on my hands lately. Look forward to seeing my old friends again.

:smile:

 

[kikmosa]

:smile:

 

[Dvision]

Best whishes to all

 

[Gil_T2]

Best whishes to all

Thanks for the wishes to all.

BANDIT linked me to this thread on the How To boards & hope those here will also drop in to offer her what they can.



http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=733674

 

[Gil_T2]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,
BUMP,BUMP,BUMP
Just incase anyones is in need feel free to read as this might also help anyone on eany side of abuse.

Again bumping just in case someone might need this thread.

 

[Gil_T2]

This was posted in the early pages of this thread & reposting it just so it's here ....

Originally posted by XXXXXXXX
Last night I searched the web for what I thought would be a small statistic on battered men versus battered women. I ended up spending over an hour reading and being re-educated. The statistic I thought I sought is a myth. The truth is that domestic violence is inflicted on the sexes in NEARLY EQUAL PROPORTIONS. There are many many places to find information, some of which are more scholarly and dry than others. Here is an excellent resource for all involved:
menweb resource page for battered men
http://www.batteredmen.com/

I asked someone this morning why we couldn't all treat each other with more respect and dignity? Peaceful blessings to you all. And THANKS Gil for starting this and to everyone else for sharing.

 

[likes2watchU]

As the husband of an abuse survivor I couldn't agree more with this list, absolutely perfect.

As a little aside in relation to No:5.
I had developed a one handed hug for certain friends who have gone through some serious abuse, it gave them a way out if they were feeling overwhelmed.
A few years ago we were visiting one of these friends and I hugged her as usual, she stepped back and looked me in the eye, "Hug me properly" she said.
It's hard to explain how that made me feel, I'm not sure whether I was happier for the trust she gave me or for the confidence she had in herself, but I still get teary eyed when I think about it.

A few years ago a female coworker of mine began a campaign of what she called "hug therapy". She knew about my being a rape survivor and that my family, while not the most physically demonstrative, have been even more distant since then.

I wasn't too keen on the whole thing, but I knew and trusted her. Still, it was months before I stopped flinching or freezing when she would hug me. These were friendly hugs - no more than friendly greetings - at yet they had me in knots.

Then one day she told me that it meant so much to her that I had begun to hug her back. I hadn't even realized... she had to point this out to me. Since then he husband began to give me hesitant "Quoll hugs" until I became more comfortable with those. He still waits for me to initiate the hug and lets me lead in terms of how close or loose the hug will be, but this whole hugging thing has been helping.

I knew how distant I was from people and that I wanted it to change, but had no idea how difficult making that change truly was. She stuck with it (and me) knowing that it would take time.

This was posted in the early pages of this thread & reposting it just so it's here ....

Originally posted by XXXXXXXX
Last night I searched the web for what I thought would be a small statistic on battered men versus battered women. I ended up spending over an hour reading and being re-educated. The statistic I thought I sought is a myth. The truth is that domestic violence is inflicted on the sexes in NEARLY EQUAL PROPORTIONS. There are many many places to find information, some of which are more scholarly and dry than others. Here is an excellent resource for all involved:
menweb resource page for battered men
http://www.batteredmen.com/

I asked someone this morning why we couldn't all treat each other with more respect and dignity? Peaceful blessings to you all. And THANKS Gil for starting this and to everyone else for sharing.

Sadly, it you take statistics for men and women who have endured abuse without slicing it by the different kinds of abuse... they are alarmingly large and almost equal numbers.

IMHO our society is less than accepting of the subject of male abuse survivors. Men are supposed to be "the strong ones", "the protectors". I think the thought of them being victims is scary and people would rather hide from the truth than deal with it and commit to making significant societal changes. I know how difficult and shaming it has been (and at times continues to be) for me to discuss my own experiences. I can't imagine how much harder I feel it must be for a man to do the same. Society expects women to be powerless to a degree... and physically less strong than a man... so it's easier to accept that I would be overpowered by someone and unable to save myself. Even when the victim was a child, if it's the adult male discussing a childhood event, I've seen where others seemingly cannot see the small child the grownup in front of them once was.

Sorry - I feel like I'm rambling now and it's hard right now for me to get this all out coherently and compassionately.

For any of you out there who, like me, dread the holidays and do not enjoy them, I offer a "Quoll hug".

 

[Gil_T2]

A few years ago a female coworker of mine began a campaign of what she called "hug therapy". She knew about my being a rape survivor and that my family, while not the most physically demonstrative, have been even more distant since then.

I wasn't too keen on the whole thing, but I knew and trusted her. Still, it was months before I stopped flinching or freezing when she would hug me. These were friendly hugs - no more than friendly greetings - at yet they had me in knots.

Then one day she told me that it meant so much to her that I had begun to hug her back. I hadn't even realized... she had to point this out to me. Since then he husband began to give me hesitant "Quoll hugs" until I became more comfortable with those. He still waits for me to initiate the hug and lets me lead in terms of how close or loose the hug will be, but this whole hugging thing has been helping.

I knew how distant I was from people and that I wanted it to change, but had no idea how difficult making that change truly was. She stuck with it (and me) knowing that it would take time.



Sadly, it you take statistics for men and women who have endured abuse without slicing it by the different kinds of abuse... they are alarmingly large and almost equal numbers.

IMHO our society is less than accepting of the subject of male abuse survivors. Men are supposed to be "the strong ones", "the protectors". I think the thought of them being victims is scary and people would rather hide from the truth than deal with it and commit to making significant societal changes. I know how difficult and shaming it has been (and at times continues to be) for me to discuss my own experiences. I can't imagine how much harder I feel it must be for a man to do the same. Society expects women to be powerless to a degree... and physically less strong than a man... so it's easier to accept that I would be overpowered by someone and unable to save myself. Even when the victim was a child, if it's the adult male discussing a childhood event, I've seen where others seemingly cannot see the small child the grownup in front of them once was.

Sorry - I feel like I'm rambling now and it's hard right now for me to get this all out coherently and compassionately.

For any of you out there who, like me, dread the holidays and do not enjoy them, I offer a "Quoll hug".

Iikes2watchU So glad that hugs are getting easies for you as a simple hug is a big step.

As for the males well there is one who went to get counselling & was told after pouring his heart out that "Your a male get over it!" & he never went back but he has moved on & is a happy man with a loving wife now.

 

[Elaya]

Look into something called EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique.

They used to have a free manual on their site, of course you have to sign up to their mailing list, so use a secondary email address. It seems hookey.. but it's tied into holistic medicine and pressure points. I've used it. It works.