How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Look into something called EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique.

They used to have a free manual on their site, of course you have to sign up to their mailing list, so use a secondary email address. It seems hookey.. but it's tied into holistic medicine and pressure points. I've used it. It works.

Elaya, Thanks for the info & hope someone can find it usefull.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

Just in case someone is seeking this thread.

 

[Noor]

BUMP

Just in case someone is seeking this thread.

bump!

 

[Gil_T2]

bump!

A HAPPY NEW YEAR is hoped for everyone.

 

[Noor]

A HAPPY NEW YEAR is hoped for everyone.

You too Gil!

 

[Mac98]

This is a great thread... it's interesting to follow. Thanks.

 

[Gil_T2]

This is a great thread... it's interesting to follow. Thanks.

Thanks & hope we help others who look in who have been abused & also hope they will post or message me or some of the other regulars on here, we are not experts but most have been there.

 

[aspiringDOM]

Love them without even talking about it is my suggestion. My wife wasn't sexually abused, but she didn't come without strings from the emotional and physical abuse. I gave her everything I had and she realized on her own that life doesn't involve abuse once you're of age unless you allow it. Once we were over that hurdle, I made sure she realized that she's in control of her life and can move on at anytime. So, I guess it's unconditional love and empowerment.

 

[Gil_T2]

Love them without even talking about it is my suggestion. My wife wasn't sexually abused, but she didn't come without strings from the emotional and physical abuse. I gave her everything I had and she realized on her own that life doesn't involve abuse once you're of age unless you allow it. Once we were over that hurdle, I made sure she realized that she's in control of her life and can move on at anytime. So, I guess it's unconditional love and empowerment.

This world we live in is full of people who are vastly different plus the effects of their own abuse varies greatly so it's not quite that simple although I'm sure all on this thread will be very glad you wife has over come her past abuse.

My wife also has had nothing but love unconditionally from the day we met & every day since but still on occasion drifts back into the dark plce of the past.

 

[Quoll]

BUMPing Quoll & saying you have a wonderful AV paying respect to out fallen diggers.

Thanks Gil, hope you and Bandit are doing well.

This is a great story.

(((Quoll)))

Thanks, it's something I will remember for a very long time.

Back atcha, and if I may, a small Quoll Hug™

A few years ago a female coworker of mine began a campaign of what she called "hug therapy". She knew about my being a rape survivor and that my family, while not the most physically demonstrative, have been even more distant since then.

I wasn't too keen on the whole thing, but I knew and trusted her. Still, it was months before I stopped flinching or freezing when she would hug me. These were friendly hugs - no more than friendly greetings - at yet they had me in knots.

Then one day she told me that it meant so much to her that I had begun to hug her back. I hadn't even realized... she had to point this out to me. Since then he husband began to give me hesitant "Quoll hugs" until I became more comfortable with those. He still waits for me to initiate the hug and lets me lead in terms of how close or loose the hug will be, but this whole hugging thing has been helping.

I knew how distant I was from people and that I wanted it to change, but had no idea how difficult making that change truly was. She stuck with it (and me) knowing that it would take time.



Sadly, it you take statistics for men and women who have endured abuse without slicing it by the different kinds of abuse... they are alarmingly large and almost equal numbers.

IMHO our society is less than accepting of the subject of male abuse survivors. Men are supposed to be "the strong ones", "the protectors". I think the thought of them being victims is scary and people would rather hide from the truth than deal with it and commit to making significant societal changes. I know how difficult and shaming it has been (and at times continues to be) for me to discuss my own experiences. I can't imagine how much harder I feel it must be for a man to do the same. Society expects women to be powerless to a degree... and physically less strong than a man... so it's easier to accept that I would be overpowered by someone and unable to save myself. Even when the victim was a child, if it's the adult male discussing a childhood event, I've seen where others seemingly cannot see the small child the grownup in front of them once was.

Sorry - I feel like I'm rambling now and it's hard right now for me to get this all out coherently and compassionately.

For any of you out there who, like me, dread the holidays and do not enjoy them, I offer a "Quoll hug".

Quoll Hug™

 

[Bandit58]

Love them without even talking about it is my suggestion. My wife wasn't sexually abused, but she didn't come without strings from the emotional and physical abuse. I gave her everything I had and she realized on her own that life doesn't involve abuse once you're of age unless you allow it. Once we were over that hurdle, I made sure she realized that she's in control of her life and can move on at anytime. So, I guess it's unconditional love and empowerment.

Sometimes talking about it can help. I know this thread has helped me a lot, by being able to put it all "out there" I've had wonderful support from a lot of wonderful people (thanks guys!).

Within my relationship with Gil - because we both have been through it we each understand what the other has been through. However it can sometimes take very little to flash me back to my "bad place". It happens less often than it used to, but it still happens. Because he is aware of this he can tell when it happens and even if I am having tears and bad feelings we talk, kiss and cuddle and it all goes away (until the next time).

 

[Noor]

Quoll- I touched one of my friends who is in hospital the other day, and he was going "you touched me, you touched me!" it was funny, but he knows what it takes for me to touch someone else.

I understand that dark place and it becomes very hard if someone's actions take me there, and its hard to dig back out of it. I was pulled back in a couple summers ago and I am slowly coming out.

This year, someone hugged me on my birthday for a long time and didn't seem to want to let go, I took a deep breathe and somehow joked "are you ever going to let me go?" they said "yes" a few minutes later I ask "sometime in this lifetime?" and they said "yes" and then they said "I am just so glad you are alive" it kind of blew me away. I don't think I could have handled that last year or the year before.

It sounds melodramatic but I had one of those life or death things this summer so it was real. Somedays are so hard since then that there are times I think the alternative would have been easier, anyway...

 

[Gil_T2]

Quoll- I touched one of my friends who is in hospital the other day, and he was going "you touched me, you touched me!" it was funny, but he knows what it takes for me to touch someone else.

I understand that dark place and it becomes very hard if someone's actions take me there, and its hard to dig back out of it. I was pulled back in a couple summers ago and I am slowly coming out.

This year, someone hugged me on my birthday for a long time and didn't seem to want to let go, I took a deep breathe and somehow joked "are you ever going to let me go?" they said "yes" a few minutes later I ask "sometime in this lifetime?" and they said "yes" and then they said "I am just so glad you are alive" it kind of blew me away. I don't think I could have handled that last year or the year before.

It sounds melodramatic but I had one of those life or death things this summer so it was real. Somedays are so hard since then that there are times I think the alternative would have been easier, anyway...

Thinking of you dear lady.

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

I was married for a long time to someone who didn't appreciate me, who never told me he loved me or found me attractive, who, if I attempted to say no to sex, would get angry and sulk for days and make me feel so guilty that I would give in for the sake of peace. [snip]

*sigh* unfortunately this feels too familiar right now. am i ever going to be happy again? at the moment it feel like i won't.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

sad facts.

1 in 4 women will be sexualy abused in her life time.
4 in 6 will have been abused in someother way before she 50th birthday.
by the time of a womens death her chances of having been abused are 8 in 10.

I was lucky enough to meet a guy online, a therapist who helped me more then the jackoff I was paying who said things like "what is it about you that makes people want to do these things to you?" this led me to think I was the problem. It was MY fault. I downed a few bottles of pills in my time. It was ugly, sad. The only thing I could think of was that I was so stupid that I could not even kill myself properly.


This guy and I are the best of friends 8 yrs later.
The pain eventualy eases, the memories start to fade a bit but the damage is done.
There will always be a wall, that self defence mode that we all develop as a copping skill.
Finding the will to walk away is hard the rainn group helps women form a get out plan. register vents and ducktape and ziplock baggies make wonderful cash hidding tools.

Sadly as many as 50% of all abuse is never reported, suicide common.
I can't say that tomorrow will always be a better day, but I can say it won't rain everyday.
You'r not alone, we are out here willing to share hug and let you cry.
To the OP, this thread is perhaps the single most important thing anyone has done here.
To all,
May soft winds, fill your sails, and the sun shine on all your mornings.

In all things I belive God has a plan. Took years of searching but I found God. and I know regardless of what happens now. He walks the path I follow beside me.
~Hare Krishna~

 

[Noor]

Thinking of you dear lady.

thanks Gil! I think of you guys often.

 

[qrayze]

ugh...I wrote this whole long thing and then stupidly pressed refresh and it all went away...

Ok, since I don't feel like writing it all over again, I'll try to summerize.

Spent the last four hours (and then some because of replying) reading this thread, and tho I didn't read every post (there are a lot!) I found what I did read to be very encouraging because I can identify with a lot of it.

When I was 3 or 4 I was sexually abuse/possibly raped by an older cousin who never was punished for it. When I told my mom and told her how old I was, she said that I was old enough to "know better". I have a 3 yr old...no way in hell is that old enough to know better!
I was physically and emotionally abused from my older siblings (they too had been sexually abused by our cousin, so I think that's where the animosity came from). I think I was around 9 when I actually tried to kill myself. I still remember occasions when I would pray to God while huddled on the floor begging him to end my life because I hated it so much. It was from those experiences that I decided I would only ever have one child because I didn't want my child experiencing the same childhood I had. No siblings means no abuse from them.
From all that, I became independent and strong, and gained the ability to stand up for myself. The physical abuse from my sister stopped the day I fought back and almost broke her ankle.

Anyways, I lost the ability to trust and after my ex left me for another woman, I'm dealing with horrible feelings of inadequacy. Mostly I just feel like a piece of garbage that's not even good enough to recycle. I know I'm bitter against men. I tend to think all men are assholes when I know that's not true. If I have any kind of relationship with a guy, it's based mainly on sex and doesn't last very long.

I know what I have to do to get rid of the bitterness, but I don't want to. I feel like it's the only thing keeping my feet solid on the ground of reality so that I don't fall for another guy and end up hurt again. But the bitterness is eating me up inside. My attitude, my demeanor is changing. One of my clients told me that today was the birthday of her deceased father and that it was a very rough day for her, and I had to coach myself inorder to show sympathy. I feel like I'm becoming a heartless bitch. I don't like that; I don't want to be that, but I don't want to be vulnerable agian either.

Several pages back in this thread, someone posted signs of an emotional abuser. Yeah, I'm starting to show some of those traits too. I'm scared shitless because the person who would be on the receiving end of that abuse would be my daughter. I don't want that to happen; I don't want her to have to live with emotional scars and have it affect her future relationships.

I wish there was a way I could get rid of the bitterness, but still keep my feet planted in harsh reality so I don't forget what I went thru. I don't want to move on or find another man. I want to be independent and strong, but happy too.

 

[Gil_T2]

*sigh* unfortunately this feels too familiar right now. am i ever going to be happy again? at the moment it feel like i won't.

I've been a bit lax checking in here so hope you'll forgive me Lilly & I'm sure BANDIT can tell you not a day goes by without being told she is loved & appriciated simply for just being who she is so hold onto hope that you too will discove this in your life too.

 

[Gil_T2]

1 in 4 women will be sexualy abused in her life time.
4 in 6 will have been abused in someother way before she 50th birthday.
by the time of a womens death her chances of having been abused are 8 in 10.

I was lucky enough to meet a guy online, a therapist who helped me more then the jackoff I was paying who said things like "what is it about you that makes people want to do these things to you?" this led me to think I was the problem. It was MY fault. I downed a few bottles of pills in my time. It was ugly, sad. The only thing I could think of was that I was so stupid that I could not even kill myself properly.


This guy and I are the best of friends 8 yrs later.
The pain eventualy eases, the memories start to fade a bit but the damage is done.
There will always be a wall, that self defence mode that we all develop as a copping skill.
Finding the will to walk away is hard the rainn group helps women form a get out plan. register vents and ducktape and ziplock baggies make wonderful cash hidding tools.

Sadly as many as 50% of all abuse is never reported, suicide common.
I can't say that tomorrow will always be a better day, but I can say it won't rain everyday.
You'r not alone, we are out here willing to share hug and let you cry.
To the OP, this thread is perhaps the single most important thing anyone has done here.
To all,
May soft winds, fill your sails, and the sun shine on all your mornings.

In all things I belive God has a plan. Took years of searching but I found God. and I know regardless of what happens now. He walks the path I follow beside me.
~Hare Krishna~

Thankyou Cicca_Jai for your post here & I'm sure many will find it helpful even though there are some very sad things in it on numbers of abuse & numbers of sexual abuse.

Another sad thing about abuse is the therapists who should never be allowed to be alone with abuse survivers like the fool who I was sent to who told me "Your a male get over it"! lucky for me a found an untrained person who was also a surviver who lead me out of my depression after I had failed to kill myself & now even with poor health I have never been happier.

 

[Gil_T2]

ugh...I wrote this whole long thing and then stupidly pressed refresh and it all went away...

Ok, since I don't feel like writing it all over again, I'll try to summerize.

Spent the last four hours (and then some because of replying) reading this thread, and tho I didn't read every post (there are a lot!) I found what I did read to be very encouraging because I can identify with a lot of it.

When I was 3 or 4 I was sexually abuse/possibly raped by an older cousin who never was punished for it. When I told my mom and told her how old I was, she said that I was old enough to "know better". I have a 3 yr old...no way in hell is that old enough to know better!
I was physically and emotionally abused from my older siblings (they too had been sexually abused by our cousin, so I think that's where the animosity came from). I think I was around 9 when I actually tried to kill myself. I still remember occasions when I would pray to God while huddled on the floor begging him to end my life because I hated it so much. It was from those experiences that I decided I would only ever have one child because I didn't want my child experiencing the same childhood I had. No siblings means no abuse from them.
From all that, I became independent and strong, and gained the ability to stand up for myself. The physical abuse from my sister stopped the day I fought back and almost broke her ankle.

Anyways, I lost the ability to trust and after my ex left me for another woman, I'm dealing with horrible feelings of inadequacy. Mostly I just feel like a piece of garbage that's not even good enough to recycle. I know I'm bitter against men. I tend to think all men are assholes when I know that's not true. If I have any kind of relationship with a guy, it's based mainly on sex and doesn't last very long.

I know what I have to do to get rid of the bitterness, but I don't want to. I feel like it's the only thing keeping my feet solid on the ground of reality so that I don't fall for another guy and end up hurt again. But the bitterness is eating me up inside. My attitude, my demeanor is changing. One of my clients told me that today was the birthday of her deceased father and that it was a very rough day for her, and I had to coach myself inorder to show sympathy. I feel like I'm becoming a heartless bitch. I don't like that; I don't want to be that, but I don't want to be vulnerable agian either.

Several pages back in this thread, someone posted signs of an emotional abuser. Yeah, I'm starting to show some of those traits too. I'm scared shitless because the person who would be on the receiving end of that abuse would be my daughter. I don't want that to happen; I don't want her to have to live with emotional scars and have it affect her future relationships.

I wish there was a way I could get rid of the bitterness, but still keep my feet planted in harsh reality so I don't forget what I went thru. I don't want to move on or find another man. I want to be independent and strong, but happy too.

qrayze, thankyou for persisting after you lost your original post as by putting it up here you might like others find some relief by posting your past.

Sad to hear that you have found some of the triats in yourself but by realising this you can alter your ways to rid them so your daughter can grow up as a strong person & when old enough don't be afraid to tell her about the people she needs to avoid.

There are good people out there & hope you can find some of them to help you realise that all men are not assholes. There are good, bad & abusers of both sexes.
Have you thought about finding a genuine therapistwho know how to treat abused people? I think this could be the stepping stone to improving things with your daughter.

 

[Bandit58]

*sigh* unfortunately this feels too familiar right now. am i ever going to be happy again? at the moment it feel like i won't.

When I left my ex I had no idea that a couple of years later I'd be in the happy loving fulfilling relationship I'm in now, so hang in there

Unfortunately I made the mistake in between of falling for someone when I was emotionally vulnerable Take the time to work on YOU before looking for someone else - after leaving an abusive relationship self esteem is usually way down and wrong decisions and choices can be made....

 

[bookwormju]

I am a survivor of both mental and phyiscal abuse for various people. It took me years to accept that what happened wasn`t my fault and many more years before I finally started to like myself. I have had counselling which was pretty useless, but then I found a group that was run by survivors of abuse which I found very helpfull.

I am now a very strong person because of what has happened and I am determined that no one will abuse me in anyway again. I have an 8 yr old daughter and I make sure she knows just how much I love her. She is very strong and independant child because of this, she mother`s those who are less fortunate than herself and she doesn`t let anyone walk all over her.

It makes me so happy to know that she has had a normal childhood and judging by her character I doubt she will ever suffer from abuse (at least I hope she won`t).

For those of you still in abusive situations stay strong and get help.

 

[Gil_T2]

I am a survivor of both mental and phyiscal abuse for various people. It took me years to accept that what happened wasn`t my fault and many more years before I finally started to like myself. I have had counselling which was pretty useless, but then I found a group that was run by survivors of abuse which I found very helpfull.

I am now a very strong person because of what has happened and I am determined that no one will abuse me in anyway again. I have an 8 yr old daughter and I make sure she knows just how much I love her. She is very strong and independant child because of this, she mother`s those who are less fortunate than herself and she doesn`t let anyone walk all over her.

It makes me so happy to know that she has had a normal childhood and judging by her character I doubt she will ever suffer from abuse (at least I hope she won`t).

For those of you still in abusive situations stay strong and get help.

Thankyou Bookwormju for sharing with us & I must agree that the peer group support systems seem to work extreemly well mainly because there are way to many unknowing therapists in the system who do more harm to abused persons that there should be.

So pleased that you have survived & from your post it seems you have become a stronger person & a balanced mum which is a great effort on your part.

Please feel free to drpo back often to post about how things are for you as well as replying to others who also post on here.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

Just in case someone is seeking this thread.

Bumped again for the same reason.

 

[bookwormju]

Thankyou Bookwormju for sharing with us & I must agree that the peer group support systems seem to work extreemly well mainly because there are way to many unknowing therapists in the system who do more harm to abused persons that there should be.

So pleased that you have survived & from your post it seems you have become a stronger person & a balanced mum which is a great effort on your part.

Please feel free to drpo back often to post about how things are for you as well as replying to others who also post on here.

Thanks Gil I will be keeping an eye on this thread. I just hope that people who are still in abusive relationships realize that there is hope of a decent life when they find the courage to seek help.

As for how things are going for me, well I have found a very sweet and caring man to love and fortunately he feels the same way about me. We met on here and bevame friends first.....just goes to show that not all the men on here are just after sex or a quick thrill.