How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Gil I will be keeping an eye on this thread. I just hope that people who are still in abusive relationships realize that there is hope of a decent life when they find the courage to seek help.

As for how things are going for me, well I have found a very sweet and caring man to love and fortunately he feels the same way about me. We met on here and bevame friends first.....just goes to show that not all the men on here are just after sex or a quick thrill.

BANDIT & I also found each other here on LIT so there is even hope on a sex site to find someone special which it seems we both have & knowing this makes me happy although there are some who still don't like being touched by another person.

 

[bookwormju]

BANDIT & I also found each other here on LIT so there is even hope on a sex site to find someone special which it seems we both have & knowing this makes me happy although there are some who still don't like being touched by another person.

I understand the feeling of not wanting to be touched, I went through that for many years but fortunately I got over it.

I know there have been couples who have got together through meeting on here, I`m just supprised I`m one of them. I just hope we last as long as you and Bandit and are as happy as you seem to be.

 

[Gil_T2]

I understand the feeling of not wanting to be touched, I went through that for many years but fortunately I got over it.

I know there have been couples who have got together through meeting on here, I`m just supprised I`m one of them. I just hope we last as long as you and Bandit and are as happy as you seem to be.

Both BANDIT & I have only been together since early 04 but it has been the most wonderful time of my life, we laugh, we cry, we are together almost 24/7, we agree, we argue, we are honest & open with each other then there is all that BANDIT does for me above & beyond the call of duty. LOL

 

[bookwormju]

Both BANDIT & I have only been together since early 04 but it has been the most wonderful time of my life, we laugh, we cry, we are together almost 24/7, we agree, we argue, we are honest & open with each other then there is all that BANDIT does for me above & beyond the call of duty. LOL

I`m glad that you 2 get on so well. It is amazing what the love of someone special can do to a person. My man (Ed) makes me feel beautiful and so special and totally loved even though we`ve only been together a short time. He understands about my past and my physical difficulties and doesn`t push anything, going along at my pace and making sure I`m comfortable with anything we do.

 

[Gil_T2]

I`m glad that you 2 get on so well. It is amazing what the love of someone special can do to a person. My man (Ed) makes me feel beautiful and so special and totally loved even though we`ve only been together a short time. He understands about my past and my physical difficulties and doesn`t push anything, going along at my pace and making sure I`m comfortable with anything we do.

I totally understand as BANDIT has accepted me as I am with my health issues & has taken on way more of my care than I expected anyone to.

Even though we are so suited to each other we both at times have "Flashbacks" to our pasts but a talk & some cuddles seem to solve them for us.

 

[kikmosa]

Even after all these years I still don't like being touched. Just shaking hands with someone makes me want to throw up. Which is bad since my job is a Home Health Aide and I have to touch people all day. I spend hours at home every evening just shaking and rocking until I settle down. I really don't see anything changing for me in the future. This is life and I deal with it as best I can. Hold it together in public and fall apart at home. Life goes on.

 

[Noor]

Even after all these years I still don't like being touched. Just shaking hands with someone makes me want to throw up. Which is bad since my job is a Home Health Aide and I have to touch people all day. I spend hours at home every evening just shaking and rocking until I settle down. I really don't see anything changing for me in the future. This is life and I deal with it as best I can. Hold it together in public and fall apart at home. Life goes on.

Hi Kiki!

The shower sometimes helps me, wash all the sensations away.

hugs

 

[Gil_T2]

Even after all these years I still don't like being touched. Just shaking hands with someone makes me want to throw up. Which is bad since my job is a Home Health Aide and I have to touch people all day. I spend hours at home every evening just shaking and rocking until I settle down. I really don't see anything changing for me in the future. This is life and I deal with it as best I can. Hold it together in public and fall apart at home. Life goes on.

Hi Kiki, I understand the problems your having but you are still making giant steps from where you were at when we forst started PMs etc some years back & I admire you for making the efforts you do.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Kiki!

The shower sometimes helps me, wash all the sensations away.

hugs

Arn't showers a wonderful thing when things like you & Kiki share with contact plus I find it clears my mind & I always seem more relaxed when I get out.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

It is amazing to come back after several years away and see that this thread is still here and people are still offering love and support. You guys are all amazing!

 

[Gil_T2]

It is amazing to come back after several years away and see that this thread is still here and people are still offering love and support. You guys are all amazing!

Thankyou Spicy & thankyou to all who freely offer support to anyone posting here, there are many stories & varied advice but like everything in life when deciding on what the pick as best for you this thread & the wonderful people who are here are all genuine so the love & support is real which is unusual for the net.

 

[DrRickMarshall]

I have a very close friend going through this type of situation herself. I have done all I could from where I am spare filing a criminal complaint against the man who is abusing her. I have contacted various help groups for battered women, have given her phone and contact numbers, and keep urging her to call them. I believe deep down someday she will when she finally decides enough is enough. The best thing I can do for her is to always be a friend. I realize that you cannot force someone to do something to help themself, you can only suggest and support.

 

[bookwormju]

I have a very close friend going through this type of situation herself. I have done all I could from where I am spare filing a criminal complaint against the man who is abusing her. I have contacted various help groups for battered women, have given her phone and contact numbers, and keep urging her to call them. I believe deep down someday she will when she finally decides enough is enough. The best thing I can do for her is to always be a friend. I realize that you cannot force someone to do something to help themself, you can only suggest and support.

It sounds like you`ve done all you can for her. Just being there for her, supporting her no matter what, is the best that you can do at the moment. Hopefully someday soon she`ll realise she deserves better treatment than she`s getting at the moment. No one deserves to be treated like that but it is hard to take that first step to break away and many women will leave and go back many times before breaking away completely. Just let her know you`ll support her no matter what happens.

I hope she wakes up and leaves soon. Good luck to your friend.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have a very close friend going through this type of situation herself. I have done all I could from where I am spare filing a criminal complaint against the man who is abusing her. I have contacted various help groups for battered women, have given her phone and contact numbers, and keep urging her to call them. I believe deep down someday she will when she finally decides enough is enough. The best thing I can do for her is to always be a friend. I realize that you cannot force someone to do something to help themself, you can only suggest and support.

I truely hope that she can make the move before shy is seriously hurt physically or worse. Keep being a friend as that is all that you can do to be there & keep reminding her that you are there for her.

 

[Gil_T2]

It sounds like you`ve done all you can for her. Just being there for her, supporting her no matter what, is the best that you can do at the moment. Hopefully someday soon she`ll realise she deserves better treatment than she`s getting at the moment. No one deserves to be treated like that but it is hard to take that first step to break away and many women will leave and go back many times before breaking away completely. Just let her know you`ll support her no matter what happens.

I hope she wakes up and leaves soon. Good luck to your friend.

Perfectly said Mz Worm all but the fact abused of both sexes often stay or return to the abuser.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a gentle bump for the thread to keep it in sight.

 

[Noor]

bump.

I used to have a friend who was great at helping women out of abused situations. They would encourage them to leave, and when they finally did he would be there for any problems, 24 hrs/day if need be, so they were not tempted to go back because they couldn't cope.

 

[starrheat]

It has been 18 years since my virginity was taken due to rape. I hide behind the 220lbs. I have gained. I work very hard to get past all the pain, but cannot get completely past it. I feel like a robot most days...get up ...go to work...smile...do what is expected of me..9ome home..eat..go to bed. I feel very empty and lonely. I do not trust most people and when I do let some one in..I change so that they never hurt me. I define myself by the rape. There is me before the rape and me after the rape. At the age of 19, when it happened, I was told by my family that we will never speak about it again...we haven't! I know we0 are only as sick as our secrets and I have been in therapy for the last 8 years. But, when does the loneliness go away. When does the zest for life come back. How do you know people are truly honest with you? How do you know when a man is not just trying to get in your pants? For me, all I know is sex IS love. Does life get better? Is there a magic spell to b happy and no longer scared? How do you live again and feel like a whole person? I was beautiful before...how can I be slim and beautiful again without tempting the fates of being raped again?

<Deep ragged sigh> so, heavy hearted, scared and lost

 

[Noor]

It has been 18 years since my virginity was taken due to rape. I hide behind the 220lbs. I have gained. I work very hard to get past all the pain, but cannot get completely past it. I feel like a robot most days...get up ...go to work...smile...do what is expected of me..9ome home..eat..go to bed. I feel very empty and lonely. I do not trust most people and when I do let some one in..I change so that they never hurt me. I define myself by the rape. There is me before the rape and me after the rape. At the age of 19, when it happened, I was told by my family that we will never speak about it again...we haven't! I know we0 are only as sick as our secrets and I have been in therapy for the last 8 years. But, when does the loneliness go away. When does the zest for life come back. How do you know people are truly honest with you? How do you know when a man is not just trying to get in your pants? For me, all I know is sex IS love. Does life get better? Is there a magic spell to b happy and no longer scared? How do you live again and feel like a whole person? I was beautiful before...how can I be slim and beautiful again without tempting the fates of being raped again?

<Deep ragged sigh> so, heavy hearted, scared and lost

I understand. The turning point is when you get mad and no longer allow the rapist to take anymore of your life. I am not sure what kind of therapist you have but after 8 years you might want to consider adding another kind of therapy. Maybe a behavior mod one, EMDR or massage and therapy.

Most of us here have a hard time trusting or go through periods of trust and then extreme non trust, you do get better but in dating people often are going to let you down in some way, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, most won't be horrible, but most stay frogs.

You need to find zest for life in yourself first, outside dating, outside sex, and then slowly add it in. I understand the slim/beauty issue, its very common and frankly its easier for me to not be a small long haired curly headed strawberry blond anymore.

You need to build up some little walls, learn self defense, learn how to not be marked as a victim. Learn to harness the anger you should have at the rapist to defend yourself and others. I keep a well of anger that I can tap when threatened, it can make me very strong and scary to my attackers.

You don't know if people are truly honest with you, most of the time they are not. Not always intentionally but because people tend not to be honest with themselves.

Most dating men at your age are trying to get into someone's pants, that doesn't men its all they want, but men associate sex with love and seem to create relationships beginning with sexual desire. Women do too, but we also can start elsewhere and then add sexual desire.

Life does get better, but there is no magic spell. You need to make yourself strong again, and then when you are feeling very strong start dating again.

If you are still living with your family, move out, that maybe holding you back.

Whenever I date a new person I have several back up plans, I let my friends know where I am going and with whom. I provide my own transportation.

Listen to what the guys says, does he hate his ex? does he seem to not like women? is he friends with his exs? what does he brag about? if you are eating together does he ask you what you would like to eat? Does he have any friends? Mainly check if he is controlling, rape is about power and control.

I have lines that I will not allow to be crossed and if they do anything that makes me uncomfortable I end the date in a public place and leave. He maybe cute, funny and sweet but if he says or does anything that sends off warning bells, that is its.

I think that is part of being safe, noticing and listening to red flags and warning bells. I don't really care if what someone does is acceptable by everyone else in the world, if it makes me feel uncomfortable that is all that matters.

Also don't drink on early dates or if you are at a club make sure the wait staff brings your drinks or go to the bar with your date and watch him get the drinks, sometimes people use date rape drugs.

My dad would say get a gun and learn how to use it. A gun is a great equalizer. Cars are my weapon of choice. ;-) When I first want to be intimate I take him to my place and I let friends know. At my place, I know where the weapons are.

 

[Noor]

It has been 18 years since my virginity was taken due to rape. I hide behind the 220lbs. I have gained. I work very hard to get past all the pain, but cannot get completely past it. I feel like a robot most days...get up ...go to work...smile...do what is expected of me..9ome home..eat..go to bed. I feel very empty and lonely. I do not trust most people and when I do let some one in..I change so that they never hurt me. I define myself by the rape. There is me before the rape and me after the rape. At the age of 19, when it happened, I was told by my family that we will never speak about it again...we haven't! I know we0 are only as sick as our secrets and I have been in therapy for the last 8 years. But, when does the loneliness go away. When does the zest for life come back. How do you know people are truly honest with you? How do you know when a man is not just trying to get in your pants? For me, all I know is sex IS love. Does life get better? Is there a magic spell to b happy and no longer scared? How do you live again and feel like a whole person? I was beautiful before...how can I be slim and beautiful again without tempting the fates of being raped again?

<Deep ragged sigh> so, heavy hearted, scared and lost

I understand. The turning point is when you get mad and no longer allow the rapist to take anymore of your life. I am not sure what kind of therapist you have but after 8 years you might want to consider adding another kind of therapy. Maybe a behavior mod one, EMDR or massage and therapy.

Most of us here have a hard time trusting or go through periods of trust and then extreme non trust, you do get better but in dating people often are going to let you down in some way, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, most won't be horrible, but most stay frogs.

You need to find zest for life in yourself first, outside dating, outside sex, and then slowly add it in. I understand the slim/beauty issue, its very common and frankly its easier for me to not be a small long haired curly headed strawberry blond anymore.

You need to build up some little walls, learn self defense, learn how to not be marked as a victim. Learn to harness the anger you should have at the rapist to defend yourself and others. I keep a well of anger that I can tap when threatened, it can make me very strong and scary to my attackers.

You don't know if people are truly honest with you, most of the time they are not. Not always intentionally but because people tend not to be honest with themselves.

Most dating men at your age are trying to get into someone's pants, that doesn't men its all they want, but men associate sex with love and seem to create relationships beginning with sexual desire. Women do to, but we also can start elsewhere and then add sexual desire.

Life does get better, but there is no magic spell. You need to make yourself strong again, and then when you are feeling very strong start dating again.

If you are still living with your family, move out, that maybe holding you back.

Whenever I date a new person I have several back up plans, I let my friends know where I am going and with whom. I provide my own transportation.

Listen to what the guys says, does he hate his ex? does he seem to not like women? is he friends with his exs? what does he brag about? if you are eating together does he ask you what you would like to eat? Does he have any friends? Mainly check if he is controlling, rape is about power and control.

I have lines that I will not allow to be crossed and if they do anything that makes me uncomfortable I end the date in a public place and leave. He maybe cute, funny and sweet but if he says or does anything that sends off warning bells, that is its.

I think that is part of being safety, noticing and listening to red flags and warning bells. I don't really care if what someone does is acceptable by everyone else in the world, if it makes me feel uncomfortable that is all that matters.

Also don't drink on early dates or if you are at a club make sure the wait staff brings your drinks or go to the bar with your date and watch him get the drinks, sometimes people use date rape drugs.

My dad would say get a gun and learn how to use it. A gun is a great equalizer. Cars are my weapon of choice. ;-) When I first want to be intimate I take him to my place and I let friends know. At my place, I know where the weapons are.

 

[Saucyminx]

It has been 18 years since my virginity was taken due to rape. I hide behind the 220lbs. I have gained. I work very hard to get past all the pain, but cannot get completely past it. I feel like a robot most days...get up ...go to work...smile...do what is expected of me..9ome home..eat..go to bed. I feel very empty and lonely. I do not trust most people and when I do let some one in..I change so that they never hurt me. I define myself by the rape. There is me before the rape and me after the rape. At the age of 19, when it happened, I was told by my family that we will never speak about it again...we haven't! I know we0 are only as sick as our secrets and I have been in therapy for the last 8 years. But, when does the loneliness go away. When does the zest for life come back. How do you know people are truly honest with you? How do you know when a man is not just trying to get in your pants? For me, all I know is sex IS love. Does life get better? Is there a magic spell to b happy and no longer scared? How do you live again and feel like a whole person? I was beautiful before...how can I be slim and beautiful again without tempting the fates of being raped again?

<Deep ragged sigh> so, heavy hearted, scared and lost

I lost my virginity under very similar circumstances, only a little younger. I wouldn't come out of my bedroom for 3 days, and after I did, I didn't tell a soul about it until 2 years later. The worst part was, that I had to see that man every school day for that 2 years. I went through a horribly self destructive phase, suppressed some of the memories, and when I think about it, it still makes me deeply angry but I no longer turn that anger back on myself.

I carried that shit around for years. I wrapped myself in a fat suit--if they don't really see you, then they can't hurt you. I had a group of friends and was very insular with them. I didn't trust outsiders, who always found me very charming but distant. And then one day, I just had that epiphany, why was I letting one event--albeit a very traumatic one--define the rest of my life? I was letting him take even more from me, and he had already taken enough. I got angry, I spoke out about it. I turned all that negative energy into getting rid of that fat suit. I finally took some pride in the way I look, and began to enjoy being noticed again. I finally put it down, and only then did I realize how heavy it had been.

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could tell you there is a magic pill, or that someday you will just "be ok." What it came down to for me was, I had to make it ok. I had to decide it was going to be ok and then make it happen. It's all about baby steps. Just talking about it is a step in the right direction. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I got two.

And you can never really know another person's intentions, or whether some guy just wants to get into your pants, but you can make some decisions to build a relationship before you let him get there. I found patience usually weeds out the ones who just want some ass. If they have to wait, they will go elsewhere. You can let people in a little, develop a little trust, and if you find they aren't worthy of it, show them the door.

Just my 2 cents, you will find that your mileage may vary.

 

[Noor]

And you can never really know another person's intentions, or whether some guy just wants to get into your pants, but you can make some decisions to build a relationship before you let him get there. I found patience usually weeds out the ones who just want some ass. If they have to wait, they will go elsewhere. You can let people in a little, develop a little trust, and if you find they aren't worthy of it, show them the door.

Just my 2 cents, you will find that your mileage may vary.

I strongly agree with the above. Also don't settle, you need to practice withdrawing if things are moving too fast, and don't hesitate to show a bad prospect the door. If you have to defend their behavior to yourself or others there is a problem. They may not be horrible but they aren't for you.

 

[Gil_T2]

It has been 18 years since my virginity was taken due to rape. I hide behind the 220lbs. I have gained. I work very hard to get past all the pain, but cannot get completely past it. I feel like a robot most days...get up ...go to work...smile...do what is expected of me..9ome home..eat..go to bed. I feel very empty and lonely. I do not trust most people and when I do let some one in..I change so that they never hurt me. I define myself by the rape. There is me before the rape and me after the rape. At the age of 19, when it happened, I was told by my family that we will never speak about it again...we haven't! I know we0 are only as sick as our secrets and I have been in therapy for the last 8 years. But, when does the loneliness go away. When does the zest for life come back. How do you know people are truly honest with you? How do you know when a man is not just trying to get in your pants? For me, all I know is sex IS love. Does life get better? Is there a magic spell to b happy and no longer scared? How do you live again and feel like a whole person? I was beautiful before...how can I be slim and beautiful again without tempting the fates of being raped again?

<Deep ragged sigh> so, heavy hearted, scared and lost

Starrheat, I have hesitated in posting to you as I didn't want to say the wrong thing as you have been struggling with this for so many years & still not realy sure what to say that Noor & Saucyminx have covered.

One thing I'd like to ask is are you satisfied with the therapy you have been getting?

I highlighted your 'For me all I know is sex is love' where it should be sex comes with love or sex is a loving act.

Just my 2cents worth look at regaining your former self as this will also life your self esteem, I did gain weight after my abuse & the therepy I recieved was crap 'Your a man get over it!' was his best line so never went back & took my recovery into my own hands getting firstly my body back to some sort of shape I was OK with & then worked on my mind. I'm glad to say I'm in a wonderful loving place now with a fantastic lady who I met here on LIT, we took 2 years getting to know each other before meeting & have been together since sharing good & bad times as well as some trips back to the dark places of our pasts but we have supported each other throught these & they lessen all the time.
Things can change but it is up to us to make the moves to change things.

Feel free to PM any of us anytime.

 

[starrheat]

Noor, Saucyminx and Gil...Thank you so much for validating what I have felt for so long. I thought I was alone. Am literally bawling as I type this unable to breathe. I have no support group...friends are somewhat nonexistent, family says, "just get over it and deal" and I feel like a robot. Home..work..home... work. I want to have energy, hope, happiness and a "normal" life but I can't find the spark to ignite the anger to motivate me. Any suggestions? You all have touch my heart in a place I never knew still existed. Thank you all soo much!

 

[Saucyminx]

Noor, Saucyminx and Gil...Thank you so much for validating what I have felt for so long. I thought I was alone. Am literally bawling as I type this unable to breathe. I have no support group...friends are somewhat nonexistent, family says, "just get over it and deal" and I feel like a robot. Home..work..home... work. I want to have energy, hope, happiness and a "normal" life but I can't find the spark to ignite the anger to motivate me. Any suggestions? You all have touch my heart in a place I never knew still existed. Thank you all soo much!

Sweetie, you do have a support group right here, and don't hesitate to use it. My pm box is always open, and if you'd prefer an email address, just message me and its yours.

Talking about it helps--or at least it sure did for me.

You aren't alone anymore.