How do you help someone get over being abused

[Kurokami]

I am so sorry things are so hard right now but it will get better. I am so glad that you have your wife. Congratulations on the babies! That is wonderful!!

There's no need to be sorry. Much as I appreciate it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel every time I think of my family-in-potentia. Whatever negativity I'm feeling is just down to the exhaustion, which is a bitch, don't get me wrong, but it'll pass. When it's happening, it'll feel like the end of the world, I know this; I guess it's a good idea to keep coming here, seeing posts like yours, Belle, and even this one right here, just to remind myself that I'll get over it with time.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

There's no need to be sorry. Much as I appreciate it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel every time I think of my family-in-potentia. Whatever negativity I'm feeling is just down to the exhaustion, which is a bitch, don't get me wrong, but it'll pass. When it's happening, it'll feel like the end of the world, I know this; I guess it's a good idea to keep coming here, seeing posts like yours, Belle, and even this one right here, just to remind myself that I'll get over it with time.

I totally understand. I deal with the exhaustion thing a lot too and it can make you feel downright miserable emotionally and physically.

It really is amazing how much our spouses and children make a difference in our lives. They both saved me from myself when I was at my darkest moments.

 

[Kurokami]

I totally understand. I deal with the exhaustion thing a lot too and it can make you feel downright miserable emotionally and physically.

It really is amazing how much our spouses and children make a difference in our lives. They both saved me from myself when I was at my darkest moments.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I would probably be dead right now if not for my wife. When I met her, everything changed in the best possible way, and she was the one who first encouraged me to get help, way back when I just thought I was miserable, rather than actually having something wrong upstairs. I hate to think how long I would've suffered, pathetic and alone, if she hadn't taken the time to talk to me the day we met, or conversely, if I hadn't taken the chance to talk back.

Still, everything worked out great.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I would probably be dead right now if not for my wife. When I met her, everything changed in the best possible way, and she was the one who first encouraged me to get help, way back when I just thought I was miserable, rather than actually having something wrong upstairs. I hate to think how long I would've suffered, pathetic and alone, if she hadn't taken the time to talk to me the day we met, or conversely, if I hadn't taken the chance to talk back.

Still, everything worked out great.

For me too hon! *HUGS*

 

[Kurokami]

For me too hon! *HUGS*

Yay, hugs!

You know, I'm really glad I came to this thread in the first place. It just goes to show that there are some simply awesome people in the world, and there's always something positive to balance out the dark stuff.

(Still sort of wish I could go to sleep right now, but you can't have everything, I guess. )

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I had my meds eval appointment today and she made me talk about things I really didn't want to talk about. Things I never want to remember. She was amazing and understanding and convinced me that I was doing the right thing even though it was really hard. I left there with a clearer view and less guilt about something that had haunted me for years but I also left there with a slight panic and feeling that I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am. I want to talk to my husband but he hurts so much for me and I can't handle that look in his eyes without feeling like I have to fix it for him. I just don't know waht to do right now..

 

[mistletoe1963]

you need to talk to heal though...have you learned about brain gym exercises to calm down?? does the dr. offer email contact for these times, so you don`t go into panic mode as I call it??...I`ve learned talking is soooo important, you need to share your feelings, if you don`t want to talk to hubby, pick a close friend, or we are here for you too!! You have made a major step, keep going...remember communication is the key...

 

[Kurokami]

I had my meds eval appointment today and she made me talk about things I really didn't want to talk about. Things I never want to remember. She was amazing and understanding and convinced me that I was doing the right thing even though it was really hard. I left there with a clearer view and less guilt about something that had haunted me for years but I also left there with a slight panic and feeling that I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am. I want to talk to my husband but he hurts so much for me and I can't handle that look in his eyes without feeling like I have to fix it for him. I just don't know waht to do right now..

Now, I can only speak to my own experiences, obviously, but talking helps. I had a lot of stuff locked up inside me for a long, long time and talking it through, bringing it all into the light and examining it with my wife and my therapist really helped me. I no longer feel as angry at the world around me, I'm more willing to trust and even talk to other people; even talking about it here would have been impossible for me just a few years ago. If you feel like you can talk to your husband then I'd reccommend it, because if there's one person who you should be able to trust with this, it's him. And as a last resort, well, my PM box is always open

As for me, I had a shot at desensitization treatment today; I've got a deep seated phobia of deep water stemming from my dad trying to drown me as a child. I shake like a leaf whenever I get anywhere near a body of water deep enough to completely submerge in, and even the sound of the ocean does some awful things to me. But I'm trying. It's a gradual process, this isn't something I'm going to shift all at once, but I thought why not try and deal with all of my issues, since I'm already paying for therapy? My wife's been incredibly supportive about it all, even down to stupid things like holding my hand as we got as close to the water's edge as I could manage (which turned out not to be that far) Honestly, I'm looking forward to the day when I can sit by the beach with no negative effects, maybe even teach my daughters to swim once they're older. That's a nice dream.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

you need to talk to heal though...have you learned about brain gym exercises to calm down?? does the dr. offer email contact for these times, so you don`t go into panic mode as I call it??...I`ve learned talking is soooo important, you need to share your feelings, if you don`t want to talk to hubby, pick a close friend, or we are here for you too!! You have made a major step, keep going...remember communication is the key...

I have never heard of the brain gym exercises. I'm trying to learn to talk to people but it is so hard because I really just don't want to. I talked a little tonight to my husband when I was upset and it helped but in some ways it just made it worse. He relies on me to be strong and he's about to leave for several weeks and I'm falling apart.

Now, I can only speak to my own experiences, obviously, but talking helps. I had a lot of stuff locked up inside me for a long, long time and talking it through, bringing it all into the light and examining it with my wife and my therapist really helped me. I no longer feel as angry at the world around me, I'm more willing to trust and even talk to other people; even talking about it here would have been impossible for me just a few years ago. If you feel like you can talk to your husband then I'd reccommend it, because if there's one person who you should be able to trust with this, it's him. And as a last resort, well, my PM box is always open

As for me, I had a shot at desensitization treatment today; I've got a deep seated phobia of deep water stemming from my dad trying to drown me as a child. I shake like a leaf whenever I get anywhere near a body of water deep enough to completely submerge in, and even the sound of the ocean does some awful things to me. But I'm trying. It's a gradual process, this isn't something I'm going to shift all at once, but I thought why not try and deal with all of my issues, since I'm already paying for therapy? My wife's been incredibly supportive about it all, even down to stupid things like holding my hand as we got as close to the water's edge as I could manage (which turned out not to be that far) Honestly, I'm looking forward to the day when I can sit by the beach with no negative effects, maybe even teach my daughters to swim once they're older. That's a nice dream.

I do trust him, I just hate hurting him. Really.

I hope the desensitization treatment works. The thought of teaching your daughters to swim is so amazing! Keep dreaming hon, I think you can do it! I'm glad your wife is so willing to help.

Thank you both for being here and the offers to listen. It really means a lot..really. *HUGS*

 

[cuck2011]

Great thread. I'ts probably been said before, but thereapy is probably the place to start. Abuse is so varied but having a safe space and a trusted ear to help untanlge the knots can be very freeing. And with regard to spousal physical abuse (and this isn't going to be poplular) therapy can help the client leave the victim role behind and maybe help the client find out what it is in their personality that draws them to predatory types (I am a clincial psychologist by the way)....Its a long road to recovery but recovery is certainly attainable, I know abou tabuse first hand, its probably why I became a psychologist (it might also be why I have so mnay kinks now too )

 

[cuck2011]

I had my meds eval appointment today and she made me talk about things I really didn't want to talk about. Things I never want to remember. She was amazing and understanding and convinced me that I was doing the right thing even though it was really hard. I left there with a clearer view and less guilt about something that had haunted me for years but I also left there with a slight panic and feeling that I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm as strong as everyone seems to think I am. I want to talk to my husband but he hurts so much for me and I can't handle that look in his eyes without feeling like I have to fix it for him. I just don't know waht to do right now..

You sound like an amazing person. ANd kudos for taking these steps. You don't need to be strong. You dont' need to be any way. Some days will be really hard, and some days easier, what is probablyhappening is all the repressed memories and experiences are finding ways to jump out of your unconscious and make themselves known to you in a real way. I bet your head goes a mile a minte at times, especially at night time, maybe shallow breathing and a bucket load of negative feelings about yourself? Emotions are sign posts, communications that something needs attention, it might sound facile, but the most important thing is to let them out as best you can, you've spent years repressing them so it might be very comfortable. Know you can do this and by the looks of the replies you have lots of friends here to assist and lend an ear.

 

[Kurokami]

I do trust him, I just hate hurting him. Really.

I hope the desensitization treatment works. The thought of teaching your daughters to swim is so amazing! Keep dreaming hon, I think you can do it! I'm glad your wife is so willing to help.

Thank you both for being here and the offers to listen. It really means a lot..really. *HUGS*

I feel like I keep needing to add these caveats to whatever, but in my experience the act of discussing any such deep seated issues is an incredibly strong display of trust. When I finally opened up to my wife about everything that was an issue to me, she was not only incredibly understanding, but questioned why I hadn't done so earlier. To her, the act of talking with her meant that I had finally built up the requisite trust, and that she must really have been important to me. Of course, that was always the case, but to her it was like some kind of new step in our relationship.

You say you hate causing your husband discomfort, and I absolutely understand that feeling, I've had that feeling myself, but given the level of empathy he seems to display he'll be there for you in good times and bad. It might be painful to talk about, you might dislike that it's hurting him to see you like that, but ultimately that's what a marriage is: having someone there who can share and empathize with your pain- and happiness, obviously- absolutely. If it'll make you feel better to talk about it, then you should. He'll be happy when you're feeling better, anyway.

Thank you for your well wishes too, by the way. I'll have to remember to keep posting my experiences as I go forward with my treatment; if anything, they'll at least be good for a laugh.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi, I'm Gil & I started this thread a long time ago to find help in helping a LIT friend get through a rough period & now this thread has helped survivors of abuse as initial posts are the very first step in dealing with it all & although I'm not here very often these days it's extreemly pleasing to see that you are all jumping in to help each other.

THANKYOU ALL for being there for each other.

 

[Kurokami]

Goddamn, the more I see my new therapist, the more I realize something: I should never have stopped going in the first place.

What I've got, it's never going to leave me. I'm always going to have the awful memories, the occasional flashback, the more frequent nightmares. No matter how hard I try, that's never going to change. What I can do is take control of that, take responsibility for my damage and try to contain it. Supressing doesn't work, it's just come blasting out of me at full force over the past few weeks. I need the treatment.

I've been better, recently. That's the medication, allowing me to function while everything in my head gets unravelled and put back where it should be. But I don't really like the meds, they make me feel weird and waking up has become sort of strange since I started taking them. I'd prefer to just use behavioural therapy to deal with this, but right now I just need my sleep, so pills it is.

But I'm getting better. It's only a matter of time; my new therapist is great. In the future, I hope to shirk my phobia of water. My kids, my daughters, are a great motivator to try and get healthy again. And I'll get there. I'm feelin' pretty good, right now.

 

[Noor]

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Noor]

So I am sad because a close friend of mine told me he is nothing this morning, Over the past the man I used to know has been disappearing bit by bit, occasionally he will surface but often there is coldness, irritability and anger. He picked up quite a bit from being abused for 32 yrs.

On top of that has decided to help his abusive ex with their garden today. There is of course more of the story and he is just being generous but I am afraid for him. His self esteem is way down. He has pushed me away and wants to work it all through on his own, and I am not sure he can, and I will have lost another good friend to depression.

This is what he has worked through in the past couple weeks, he is going back to live with his abuser. I am terrified. I suggested therapy, but they aren't interested. 4 weeks ago he was feeling like nothing, a failure, now he is going to live with the person who wants him to feel that way 24/7.

He is going back to take care of them because he feels guilty/responsible and his abuser is "frail"
Unfortunately physical frailty, does not stop emotional abuse, and he is already changing his life to appease the abuser.

 

[mythtrav16]

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I would probably be dead right now if not for my wife. When I met her, everything changed in the best possible way, and she was the one who first encouraged me to get help, way back when I just thought I was miserable, rather than actually having something wrong upstairs. I hate to think how long I would've suffered, pathetic and alone, if she hadn't taken the time to talk to me the day we met, or conversely, if I hadn't taken the chance to talk back.

Still, everything worked out great.

She sure sounds like some special woman. I've been told that most women won't go near a guy with real "issues". The irony being that it's probably the guys with issues who need good women the most .

If you don't mind me asking, how did the two of you meet?

 

[kikmosa]

Hi, I'm Gil & I started this thread a long time ago to find help in helping a LIT friend get through a rough period & now this thread has helped survivors of abuse as initial posts are the very first step in dealing with it all & although I'm not here very often these days it's extreemly pleasing to see that you are all jumping in to help each other.

THANKYOU ALL for being there for each other.

 

[Kurokami]

She sure sounds like some special woman. I've been told that most women won't go near a guy with real "issues". The irony being that it's probably the guys with issues who need good women the most .

If you don't mind me asking, how did the two of you meet?

She absolutely is a special woman. How did we meet? Well, it was on a trip to London I and some friends had taken to celebrate our graduation from highschool. I had recently turned eighteen and took advantage of that by going into a pub, which turned out to be a fateful decision. It was her father's pub. I've never been good at talking to people, so I just sort of took a seat and pulled out my laptop to write something, she caught sight of my wallpaper (Evangelion) recognized it, and started talking to me. She was so bright and full of energy, she ended up dragging me out to see her sing with her band. She was always a little weird, but I think that's what attracted me to her; when she asked if I wanted to hang out again, I jumped at the opportunity. We found we had a lot in common, fell in love, and the rest is history.

Well, actually, the rest has me deciding to stay in London instead of going home, then the two of us packing up and moving to Japan for a while, but that's sort of a long story.

 

[Noor]

Hi Kiki! How are you doing?

 

[mythtrav16]

She absolutely is a special woman. How did we meet? Well, it was on a trip to London I and some friends had taken to celebrate our graduation from highschool. I had recently turned eighteen and took advantage of that by going into a pub, which turned out to be a fateful decision. It was her father's pub. I've never been good at talking to people, so I just sort of took a seat and pulled out my laptop to write something, she caught sight of my wallpaper (Evangelion) recognized it, and started talking to me. She was so bright and full of energy, she ended up dragging me out to see her sing with her band. She was always a little weird, but I think that's what attracted me to her; when she asked if I wanted to hang out again, I jumped at the opportunity. We found we had a lot in common, fell in love, and the rest is history.

Well, actually, the rest has me deciding to stay in London instead of going home, then the two of us packing up and moving to Japan for a while, but that's sort of a long story.

It's a really nice story. Sounds like you were really lucky to pick that one particular bar.

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Kiki! How are you doing?

Still living. That's about all right now.

How are you doing Noor?

 

[Kurokami]

It's a really nice story. Sounds like you were really lucky to pick that one particular bar.

I was incredibly lucky, yes. I sometimes shudder to think just how much my life has changed- improved- because of that single piece of luck. I'd be a completely different, less happy person without that.

Ooh! Breakthrough in therapy, fellows! I got near water! Like, actually fairly close to a pool of honest to god, liquid water! That would have been impossible for me a while back! Desensitization treatment does work! Fuck you, phobia!

... It did get to me eventually, and I had to leave, but that's progress, right?

 

[Noor]

Still living. That's about all right now.

How are you doing Noor?

Same as you it sounds like. here's hoping things improve for both of us very, very soon!

 

[Gil_T2]

This is what he has worked through in the past couple weeks, he is going back to live with his abuser. I am terrified. I suggested therapy, but they aren't interested. 4 weeks ago he was feeling like nothing, a failure, now he is going to live with the person who wants him to feel that way 24/7.

He is going back to take care of them because he feels guilty/responsible and his abuser is "frail"
Unfortunately physical frailty, does not stop emotional abuse, and he is already changing his life to appease the abuser.

Thats so sad to hear Noor, the last I heard was he was feeling great being away from here it's such a shame he has fallen back into the past but not uncommon.

Fingers crossed he can recover & escape.