How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

That is rough. Thank goodness the douchebag is in prison. There is NO excuse for ANYONE to put their hands on a woman. I wish her and her children the best of luck in the future.

My daughter found out today that her abuser has been released from jail today but police failed to let her know as he was released last week & now is in fear again, luckily she has a male friend staying with her hat will defend her if needed.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just want to give encouragement to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship.

I am a domestic violence survivor.....I escaped my abuser, and I have now been in a wonderful marriage for 10 years with a man who treats me like a goddess every day.

Congrats on 10 wonderful years of being treated like a godess.

 

[Gil_T2]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jun/07/feminism-domestic-violence-men

 

[Scarlett_69]

Congrats on 10 wonderful years of being treated like a godess.

Thank you.....!!

 

[kikmosa]

You know that I love you and Bandit, Gil. The two of you have brought me years of pleasure from just knowing you.

.............

 

[Noor]

You know that I love you and Bandit, Gil. The two of you have brought me years of pleasure from just knowing you.

That being said, I would like for you to release me from my bond.

No Kiki, don't...

hugs

 

[Wolf_Song]

Wishing best in healing for those dealing with abuse presently and of the past.
( healing hugs for those wishing them )

 

[1Browneyedguy]

I helped someone out

who came here, to Lit, and they posted in The General Board !
Actually 3 people in a 2 day period...

Verbal abuse, etc etc

 

[nayia]

I can't stop thinking that maybe I deserved it somehow. And I have no idea what it was about me, whether it was something I did, or didn't do, or how I looked, or what I said, or... I don't know what I did wrong. And since maybe I deserved it, and I don't know why, then I can't fix it. And if I can't fix it, then I still do deserve it, and it's just going to happen again.

I tried to look for reasons someone might become abusive but there's no list. Nothing that tells me how to make myself better so that I won't deserve this anymore. I would change every single thing about myself if it would mean I could be safe.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what I'm looking for, unless there's some kind of consultant out there who can tell me how to fix myself. I just needed to get these thoughts out somewhere.

 

[kikmosa]

I can't stop thinking that maybe I deserved it somehow. And I have no idea what it was about me, whether it was something I did, or didn't do, or how I looked, or what I said, or... I don't know what I did wrong. And since maybe I deserved it, and I don't know why, then I can't fix it. And if I can't fix it, then I still do deserve it, and it's just going to happen again.

I tried to look for reasons someone might become abusive but there's no list. Nothing that tells me how to make myself better so that I won't deserve this anymore. I would change every single thing about myself if it would mean I could be safe.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what I'm looking for, unless there's some kind of consultant out there who can tell me how to fix myself. I just needed to get these thoughts out somewhere.

It's not anything you did or didn't do, were or were not. It's doesn't matter if you are perfect or not. It's something lacking in Him/Her. No matter what you do or don't do, He/She will find some excuse to do what they want to do. They don't care how hard you try or if you try at all. They have a need inside them to do these things. And they will find a way in their own minds to make it your fault. You can't give in to that . It is not your fault. It's on their shoulders. They are the ones in the wrong. Not you. But until you believe this in your mind, He/She will always win. Stop letting them win and put the blame where it belongs. On them.

 

[Noor]

It's not anything you did or didn't do, were or were not. It's doesn't matter if you are perfect or not. It's something lacking in Him/Her. No matter what you do or don't do, He/She will find some excuse to do what they want to do. They don't care how hard you try or if you try at all. They have a need inside them to do these things. And they will find a way in their own minds to make it your fault. You can't give in to that . It is not your fault. It's on their shoulders. They are the ones in the wrong. Not you. But until you believe this in your mind, He/She will always win. Stop letting them win and put the blame where it belongs. On them.

I totally agree!

You did nothing wrong!

It's good to see you Kiki!

 

[nayia]

Thanks, kikmosa and noor. I think I know I didn't deserve it, but on the other hand I almost wish I did so that there would be something for me to do about it. Not sure if that makes any sense. But your kind words give me comfort in the middle of all the confusion and pain. Thanks again!

 

[KarennaC]

Nayia, it does make sense. If you had somehow caused the abuse, you would have control over whether it happened again.

But you didn't cause it. No matter what you might have said or done, you did not deserve abuse. No one ever has the right to abuse another, regardless of what the other person does.

You do have control, though. You can control whether you're around that person again. Whether you're around others who might abuse you. You can control what you think about yourself: you can't control feeling scared or angry or sad, but you can control your *thoughts*, telling yourself you're safe, that you're a good person, that you didn't deserve what was done to you.

 

[kikmosa]

It's good to see you Kiki!

...............

 

[Noor]

I've not as yet been released, Noor. I'm still asking for that release.

I know but there is reason you made that bond.

I wish you all the best.

 

[kikmosa]

.........

 

[Noor]

Kiki,

I am sorry about your friend and your father.
I understand getting so weary that letting go seems easier.
Please stay strong.

You are not alone! You can talk to me.
Pm me your skype, im, number or whatever.

 

[Noor]

Thanks Kiki!

Hang in there, I know it's hard to have faith that there will be better days, but it happens and you are a survivor just like me, Gil, Bandit and the rest of us.

Sometimes helping others is the best thing to do, on those days you can't seem to help yourself.

 

[Athalia]

Kikmosa, I don't know your story or your situation at all, I just wanted you to know someone heard your voice today and cared, and I hope in some small way that keeps you going just a bit longer.

I add my own voice to Rainshine's.

Two things to remember:

You are stronger than you think.

There are others who are in your state. Seek them out; they will provide far more understanding and support than those who are not. They are your true family.

Above all, let us know how you're faring.

 

[babylondementia]

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm so alone it hurts.

your not alone, i just found this thread and i see how many of us are out there, we're not alone, the very fact this thread is here proves it.

im in a similar mess. my hubby turned to better living thru chemistry, when i got some counseling and demanded he do the same and get detoxed he walked out, ya he comes back, to steal anything thats not nailed down, talk crap behind my back. but i found something weird, this list. and im getting my (perverted sick and demented) head back together.

come on girl we're going to pull it together. we're all here!

huggs and <3 U

 

[Wolf_Song]

( quiet comforting healing hugs with reassuring whispers for those wishing them ) ... and never forget how special you are

 

[Crube]

Really glad I found this thread, and happy that this is to be my first post on these forums. Will tell my story as best I can, and sorry for being late to the party.

I love my girlfriend deeply. I met her nearly 6 years ago, and we have been together about 3 years. Despite that, we haven't yet fully consummated our relationship. Sure, we have some fun, and it hasn't been entirely innocent, but we haven't done that much. One time, we got up the courage to try manual play, and as I put my hands down her panties, she was really up for it, and as soon as I touched her, she stiffened up and wanted to stop. It got me wondering if there was anything in her past that made her almost fear sexual contact. I dismissed it as my over-active imagination.

Then in November, she told me there was a specific issue that stopped her having sex. She would tell me in her own time. I was intrigued, and I wanted to kow more, but I didn't push the subject, knowing it must be pretty deep. Again, i dismissed what must to anyone else have been the blindlingly obvious. Finally, 2 months ago she told me what the issue was. When she was 14, her mum's ex-boyfriend had abused her. I was heartbroken. How could anyone possibly wish to harm her? She is wonderful, kind, generous, caring. Who would be in a mind to cause her harm? It took me by surprise, despite my thoughts of before. For days, all I could think of was how could anyone do such a thing? It was beyond me, and the thoughts of what took place all but consumed me.

I was scared that when I saw her again, i wouldn't be able to see her, for the thought of what some bastard had done to her. That upset me a lot, it was as if the woman I love had become something else entirely, and I couldn't get what was before back. A sort of mourning process, for a side to her I thought I knew. When I saw her again a couple of weeks later, I needn't have worried. It was like the revelation hadn't happened, except I felt so much closer to her. I knew I was completely and utterly trusted by her, and I knew that no matter what, I would be there for her.

She wants to talk more about what happened, the details of it all, but only when she is ready. I am not going to force her to talk about anything, and will wait until she is ready. Likewise, I am in no hurry to go to full sex with her. I will wait until she is ready for it, and I know that even then it may need to end before its time, and I am fine with that. She is worth waiting for.

As for the bastard who did it, I don't know who he is, what he looks like, and what became of him. Nor do i ever want to know. Should I walk past him in the street, I don't want him to think he is significant enough to be given any thought. I don't want to waste energy acknowledging his existence, because in my view, he doasn't deserve it. He deserves a beating for his monstrous actions, but I do not deserve the consequences of it. My focus isn't on him, but on his victim, my girlfriend.

In a twisted way, the fact that she was abused has made us closer, because she felt comfortable in talking to me about it to an extent, and wants to do so more in the future. I don't like seeing the positives of such a heinous act, but there is a silver lining, in that she knows I can be trusted, that I am not like that scumbag, and that she knows she is worth infinitely more than that bastard.

Abuse is wrong, and disgusting. That needs not be said, but I never really saw the impact of it until someone I know and love opened up about her experiences. It made me have to face it in some small measure, and that was tough, yet it is nothing compared to what the actual victims of abuse face, and my heart, respect and admiration goes out to all those who have been abused. It takes no small measure of courage to face and deal with those experiences, and they are all stronger than I could ever hope to be.

How am i supporting my girlfriend? Simply by being there, for being ready to listen whenever she wants to talk, and showing her, proving to her that no matter what, I am there for her. I feel proud she felt she could open up to me, and I love her all the more because of it.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I can't stop thinking that maybe I deserved it somehow. And I have no idea what it was about me, whether it was something I did, or didn't do, or how I looked, or what I said, or... I don't know what I did wrong. And since maybe I deserved it, and I don't know why, then I can't fix it. And if I can't fix it, then I still do deserve it, and it's just going to happen again.

I tried to look for reasons someone might become abusive but there's no list. Nothing that tells me how to make myself better so that I won't deserve this anymore. I would change every single thing about myself if it would mean I could be safe.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what I'm looking for, unless there's some kind of consultant out there who can tell me how to fix myself. I just needed to get these thoughts out somewhere.

What happened to you is like has happened to many abused. Most don't know why they keep returning. Whether it is personal, sexual or emotional abuses, and some times several or all three in this. It is summarized a lot in what is known as "Battered Person Syndrome". Often referred to by some as Battered Wife Syndrome. A rough summary in this is at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome

Many people are more inclined by natures, low times in life or back grounds to put up with more than some would as well. There is multiple facets in this and ways of looking at and discovering in each. And as each person is a special individual... so to is each situation. All that have gone through abuse or been around others who abuse themselves to much with drugs, alcohol and other destructive behaviours. Have to some degree done enabling. Which is also something good to understand. Often in the different types of abuse people are enablers, and when they choose not to is usually when the abuse is lessened or totally stops.

Wishing best in life, love, healing and more to you and all herein whether in healing or support of abuse and those abused.
( with big special hugs to )

 

[Wolf_Song]

Really glad I found this thread, and happy that this is to be my first post on these forums. Will tell my story as best I can, and sorry for being late to the party.

I love my girlfriend deeply. I met her nearly 6 years ago, and we have been together about 3 years. Despite that, we haven't yet fully consummated our relationship. Sure, we have some fun, and it hasn't been entirely innocent, but we haven't done that much. One time, we got up the courage to try manual play, and as I put my hands down her panties, she was really up for it, and as soon as I touched her, she stiffened up and wanted to stop. It got me wondering if there was anything in her past that made her almost fear sexual contact. I dismissed it as my over-active imagination.

Then in November, she told me there was a specific issue that stopped her having sex. She would tell me in her own time. I was intrigued, and I wanted to kow more, but I didn't push the subject, knowing it must be pretty deep. Again, i dismissed what must to anyone else have been the blindlingly obvious. Finally, 2 months ago she told me what the issue was. When she was 14, her mum's ex-boyfriend had abused her. I was heartbroken. How could anyone possibly wish to harm her? She is wonderful, kind, generous, caring. Who would be in a mind to cause her harm? It took me by surprise, despite my thoughts of before. For days, all I could think of was how could anyone do such a thing? It was beyond me, and the thoughts of what took place all but consumed me.

I was scared that when I saw her again, i wouldn't be able to see her, for the thought of what some bastard had done to her. That upset me a lot, it was as if the woman I love had become something else entirely, and I couldn't get what was before back. A sort of mourning process, for a side to her I thought I knew. When I saw her again a couple of weeks later, I needn't have worried. It was like the revelation hadn't happened, except I felt so much closer to her. I knew I was completely and utterly trusted by her, and I knew that no matter what, I would be there for her.

She wants to talk more about what happened, the details of it all, but only when she is ready. I am not going to force her to talk about anything, and will wait until she is ready. Likewise, I am in no hurry to go to full sex with her. I will wait until she is ready for it, and I know that even then it may need to end before its time, and I am fine with that. She is worth waiting for.

As for the bastard who did it, I don't know who he is, what he looks like, and what became of him. Nor do i ever want to know. Should I walk past him in the street, I don't want him to think he is significant enough to be given any thought. I don't want to waste energy acknowledging his existence, because in my view, he doasn't deserve it. He deserves a beating for his monstrous actions, but I do not deserve the consequences of it. My focus isn't on him, but on his victim, my girlfriend.

In a twisted way, the fact that she was abused has made us closer, because she felt comfortable in talking to me about it to an extent, and wants to do so more in the future. I don't like seeing the positives of such a heinous act, but there is a silver lining, in that she knows I can be trusted, that I am not like that scumbag, and that she knows she is worth infinitely more than that bastard.

Abuse is wrong, and disgusting. That needs not be said, but I never really saw the impact of it until someone I know and love opened up about her experiences. It made me have to face it in some small measure, and that was tough, yet it is nothing compared to what the actual victims of abuse face, and my heart, respect and admiration goes out to all those who have been abused. It takes no small measure of courage to face and deal with those experiences, and they are all stronger than I could ever hope to be.

How am i supporting my girlfriend? Simply by being there, for being ready to listen whenever she wants to talk, and showing her, proving to her that no matter what, I am there for her. I feel proud she felt she could open up to me, and I love her all the more because of it.

In situations like yours it is starting from the basics and building gentle love and trust. With more gentle opening and talking that is found in many relationships. I been there in volunteer counselling people for most of my life and also in having had relationships with those formerly abused. When it comes to love... time is on your side and worth it. Wishing best to you and her both

 

[starrheat]

Really glad I found this thread, and happy that this is to be my first post on these forums. Will tell my story as best I can, and sorry for being late to the party.

I love my girlfriend deeply. I met her nearly 6 years ago, and we have been together about 3 years. Despite that, we haven't yet fully consummated our relationship. Sure, we have some fun, and it hasn't been entirely innocent, but we haven't done that much. One time, we got up the courage to try manual play, and as I put my hands down her panties, she was really up for it, and as soon as I touched her, she stiffened up and wanted to stop. It got me wondering if there was anything in her past that made her almost fear sexual contact. I dismissed it as my over-active imagination.

Then in November, she told me there was a specific issue that stopped her having sex. She would tell me in her own time. I was intrigued, and I wanted to kow more, but I didn't push the subject, knowing it must be pretty deep. Again, i dismissed what must to anyone else have been the blindlingly obvious. Finally, 2 months ago she told me what the issue was. When she was 14, her mum's ex-boyfriend had abused her. I was heartbroken. How could anyone possibly wish to harm her? She is wonderful, kind, generous, caring. Who would be in a mind to cause her harm? It took me by surprise, despite my thoughts of before. For days, all I could think of was how could anyone do such a thing? It was beyond me, and the thoughts of what took place all but consumed me.

I was scared that when I saw her again, i wouldn't be able to see her, for the thought of what some bastard had done to her. That upset me a lot, it was as if the woman I love had become something else entirely, and I couldn't get what was before back. A sort of mourning process, for a side to her I thought I knew. When I saw her again a couple of weeks later, I needn't have worried. It was like the revelation hadn't happened, except I felt so much closer to her. I knew I was completely and utterly trusted by her, and I knew that no matter what, I would be there for her.

She wants to talk more about what happened, the details of it all, but only when she is ready. I am not going to force her to talk about anything, and will wait until she is ready. Likewise, I am in no hurry to go to full sex with her. I will wait until she is ready for it, and I know that even then it may need to end before its time, and I am fine with that. She is worth waiting for.

As for the bastard who did it, I don't know who he is, what he looks like, and what became of him. Nor do i ever want to know. Should I walk past him in the street, I don't want him to think he is significant enough to be given any thought. I don't want to waste energy acknowledging his existence, because in my view, he doasn't deserve it. He deserves a beating for his monstrous actions, but I do not deserve the consequences of it. My focus isn't on him, but on his victim, my girlfriend.

In a twisted way, the fact that she was abused has made us closer, because she felt comfortable in talking to me about it to an extent, and wants to do so more in the future. I don't like seeing the positives of such a heinous act, but there is a silver lining, in that she knows I can be trusted, that I am not like that scumbag, and that she knows she is worth infinitely more than that bastard.

Abuse is wrong, and disgusting. That needs not be said, but I never really saw the impact of it until someone I know and love opened up about her experiences. It made me have to face it in some small measure, and that was tough, yet it is nothing compared to what the actual victims of abuse face, and my heart, respect and admiration goes out to all those who have been abused. It takes no small measure of courage to face and deal with those experiences, and they are all stronger than I could ever hope to be.

How am i supporting my girlfriend? Simply by being there, for being ready to listen whenever she wants to talk, and showing her, proving to her that no matter what, I am there for her. I feel proud she felt she could open up to me, and I love her all the more because of it.

Crube. You seem like a wonderful guy. Your girlfriend is very lucky. There are very few gems out there like you. You give me hope that one day, I too, can find a gem before it is too late.