How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I used this thread as a place to let those demons out. Every time I felt like everything was getting on top of me, when the ex was being difficult, when I had a nightmare about being trapped.....I'd come here and type it all out. Sometimes I posted it, others I deleted. When my lover at the time broke my heart I came here to exorcise the hurt, and found a lot of love and support that helped me through the tough first few days after.

Gil I know when you started this thread it was to help another lovely lady who we both know and love, but little did we know that it would also bring us together too It did take a lot of courage to put that first post up.....I debated with myself for quite a while wondering whether to hit the "submit" button. I'm SO glad I did

Firstly to WILDROSE like you I came here for the stories & it wasn't for the longest time I decided to try the LIT PERSONALS as I was sick of feeling alone but found the boards & many loverly ppl of all sexes who proved to be kind & caring & the pages of LIT became my home where my poor health meant nothing & if I chose it didn't exist, I now consider my self a very lucky man as I have a lot of wonderful LIT friends who I have in my heart plus around 20 I have had the good fortune to meet in R/L as well finding them to be the same open honest caring ppl the seemed on the boards of LIT & then the greatest reward of all is finding true love with BANDIT who will have my heart for ever more.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Gil and Bandit.....

I am so happy for you and Bandit. Keep counting the days...she will be there before you know it.

Thanks for showing us all that there is hope out there.

 

[Don K Dyck]

A relationship is nothing without honesty & respect.

and there in another of Gil's gems is the essence of a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

People, I have repeated on many occasions "THere is no excuse for any kind of physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!" because that abuse denies the honesty and respect that is required for a healthy, functional relationship.

Blaming your partner for the problems of the day which were caused by your own personal disorganisation, does not solve the problem, nor provide the honesty and respect that the relationship requires. There are a million other examples of this principle.

We need honesty and respect for our partners . . .

[COLOR=royal blue]and also honesty and respect for ourselves.[/COLOR]

That means not dumping on others when the problem at hand is your responsibility, and not accepting being dumped upon when somebody else is trying to pass the buck.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Gil and Bandit.....

I am so happy for you and Bandit. Keep counting the days...she will be there before you know it.

Thanks for showing us all that there is hope out there.

For so many years I was in constant hope but held little faith till now

 

[Gil_T2]

and there in another of Gil's gems is the essence of a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

People, I have repeated on many occasions "THere is no excuse for any kind of physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!" because that abuse denies the honesty and respect that is required for a healthy, functional relationship.

Blaming your partner for the problems of the day which were caused by your own personal disorganisation, does not solve the problem, nor provide the honesty and respect that the relationship requires. There are a million other examples of this principle.

We need honesty and respect for our partners . . .

[COLOR=royal blue]and also honesty and respect for ourselves.[/COLOR]

That means not dumping on others when the problem at hand is your responsibility, and not accepting being dumped upon when somebody else is trying to pass the buck.

DON....Yes without truth & honesty there can't be love.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Hope

Gil,

maybe the key is that you never did give up....and you were open to finding someone. I think being open to having someone care about you is an overlooked essential. Right now, I freak if someone starts to get too close. And heaven forbid they start using the L word (love), I am running for the next state. I know as long as I feel this way I will never find that *someone* because I would shut them out at the first sign of caring/love.

 

[mikey428]

After being abused

Just came across this thread and thought I would add my own.
I too have been abused, yes...and thats coming from a man.
Mine happened when I was a child, by a so called brother.
It is still in my mind even now after all this time, every second, minute, hour, day.
I never spoke to anyone about it...until a few years ago, and wouldn't have only for an ex girlfriend, only reason I told her was because we didn't have a love life, and thought it was the right thing to do, so that she wasn't thinking it was to do with her.
It did help...for a while anyway, she even coaxed me to go to counselling, which was a good thing I have to admit.
After that though things went downhill, looking back now I wish I hadnt told her anything, as she started using it as a weapon, even saying she would tell my parents... didn't think anyone could be sooo evil!
I am not with her now Thank God.
I could go on and on..but I won't, all I can say is, if anyone has been abused, or raped...man or woman, in my own opinion...do not botle it up, don't be afraid to talk with someone, it's too much to keep to yourself, talking does help.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: After being abused

Just came across this thread and thought I would add my own.
I too have been abused, yes...and thats coming from a man.
Mine happened when I was a child, by a so called brother.
It is still in my mind even now after all this time, every second, minute, hour, day.
I never spoke to anyone about it...until a few years ago, and wouldn't have only for an ex girlfriend, only reason I told her was because we didn't have a love life, and thought it was the right thing to do, so that she wasn't thinking it was to do with her.
It did help...for a while anyway, she even coaxed me to go to counselling, which was a good thing I have to admit.
After that though things went downhill, looking back now I wish I hadnt told her anything, as she started using it as a weapon, even saying she would tell my parents... didn't think anyone could be sooo evil!
I am not with her now Thank God.
I could go on and on..but I won't, all I can say is, if anyone has been abused, or raped...man or woman, in my own opinion...do not botle it up, don't be afraid to talk with someone, it's too much to keep to yourself, talking does help.

Hi Mikey, this happens far too often . . . and the best way to defeat blackmail is to come out yourself to the person, in your case to your parents.

One of the consequences of this unacceptable behaviour by your "brother" is guilt for the victim, you. The victim cannot understand why somebody in a position of trust would do such a thinmg. Eventually they decide that it must be something that they, the victim, caused. THIS IS WRONG!!

Victims have a right to feel angry that their trust has been violated. They have a right to be angry with the perpetrator. Most importantly, they have a right, indeeed a duty, to tell thier family what happened, as soon as possible after the event, even if that is decades after.

Failure to tell parents may perpetuate the problem as father-daughter abuse.

If your parents are still alive, chose an appropriate time, say after a nice dinner, an make your announcement. SCVrew up your courage, take three deep breaths and tell your story. There will probably be tears and a cocktail of emotions from all parties, but this will be your first and hardest step in riding yourself of these demons.

And you are better off without your former gf who was trying to establish a sick relationship with you to offset some perceived dysfunction of her own.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Hope

Gil,

maybe the key is that you never did give up....and you were open to finding someone. I think being open to having someone care about you is an overlooked essential. Right now, I freak if someone starts to get too close. And heaven forbid they start using the L word (love), I am running for the next state. I know as long as I feel this way I will never find that *someone* because I would shut them out at the first sign of caring/love.

Believe you me I too killed off several relationships because they were getting to close & looking for more & I'm lucky all but one are still friends, although there were others who it was just pure sexual which is how I coped at that time.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Hope

Gil,

maybe the key is that you never did give up....and you were open to finding someone. I think being open to having someone care about you is an overlooked essential. Right now, I freak if someone starts to get too close. And heaven forbid they start using the L word (love), I am running for the next state. I know as long as I feel this way I will never find that *someone* because I would shut them out at the first sign of caring/love.

Believe you me I too killed off several relationships because they were getting to close & looking for more & I'm lucky all but one are still friends, although there were others who it was just pure sexual which is how I coped at that time but I did make it clear as that is what the ladies wanted too...sex with no strings.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: After being abused

Just came across this thread and thought I would add my own.
I too have been abused, yes...and thats coming from a man.
Mine happened when I was a child, by a so called brother.
It is still in my mind even now after all this time, every second, minute, hour, day.
I never spoke to anyone about it...until a few years ago, and wouldn't have only for an ex girlfriend, only reason I told her was because we didn't have a love life, and thought it was the right thing to do, so that she wasn't thinking it was to do with her.
It did help...for a while anyway, she even coaxed me to go to counselling, which was a good thing I have to admit.
After that though things went downhill, looking back now I wish I hadnt told her anything, as she started using it as a weapon, even saying she would tell my parents... didn't think anyone could be sooo evil!
I am not with her now Thank God.
I could go on and on..but I won't, all I can say is, if anyone has been abused, or raped...man or woman, in my own opinion...do not botle it up, don't be afraid to talk with someone, it's too much to keep to yourself, talking does help.

Hi MIKEY....Thanks for trusting us & feel free to post,PM or email us if you need us.I'm also thanking you for your posting to seek help as I agree & there are so many ways to remain anonous in all parts of this world id being known is an issue.

 

[wicked woman]

Sheath started a thread on resources for emotional abuse in case people didn't see it and might find it helpful.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: After being abused

Hi MIKEY....Thanks for trusting us & feel free to post,PM or email us if you need us.I'm also thanking you for your posting to seek help as I agree & there are so many ways to remain anonous in all parts of this world id being known is an issue.

heheheheh . . . tonight is Wednesday . . . tomorrow is Thursday . . . is Friday THE BIG Day??

Best wishes to Gil and bandit . . . it just proves that you never know what is around the corner, so never give up hope . . . believe in youirself and that you deserve the best . . . and they have shown us that it can happen . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: After being abused

heheheheh . . . tonight is Wednesday . . . tomorrow is Thursday . . . is Friday THE BIG Day??

Best wishes to Gil and bandit . . . it just proves that you never know what is around the corner, so never give up hope . . . believe in youirself and that you deserve the best . . . and they have shown us that it can happen . . .

Saturday 2.30pm I'll be at the airport Heart in hand for my lady's arrival home.

 

[Noor]

Re: Re: Re: Re: After being abused

Saturday 2.30pm I'll be at the airport Heart in hand for my lady's arrival home.

And we will be there too (in spirit)

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Gil and Bandit.....

Saturday 2.30pm I'll be at the airport Heart in hand for my lady's arrival home.

I am so glad your wait is almost over. I hope everything goes well.....you two have earned it!

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: After being abused

And we will be there too (in spirit)

Thankyou NOOR & hope life is better for you & those important to you & know how wonderful you are battling to help another even though you have your own DEMONS to control.One fantastic thing about this thread is the wonderful people is see posting here, telling there story but yet jumping in & willing to help others.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Gil and Bandit.....

I am so glad your wait is almost over. I hope everything goes well.....you two have earned it!

Thankyou too WILDROSE & I'm very honoured to have this wonderful ladies LOVE which I'll always treasure as I have from very early on.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Gil and Bandit.....

Thankyou too WILDROSE & I'm very honoured to have this wonderful ladies LOVE which I'll always treasure as I have from very early on.

Well . . . it's Tuesday Oz time . . . and STILL no sign of either Gil or Bandit . . . WHY am I not surprised?? . . . heheheh . . . nice to know that two people can still enjoy eachother . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Gil and Bandit.....

Well . . . it's Tuesday Oz time . . . and STILL no sign of either Gil or Bandit . . . WHY am I not surprised?? . . . heheheh . . . nice to know that two people can still enjoy eachother . . .

Yes DON we are alive & so very well & happy to be back in each others arms, the best part is the trust we share in each other after our pasts. LOVE, HONESTY & TRUST.

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Gil and Bandit.....

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Yes DON we are alive & so very well & happy to be back in each others arms, the best part is the trust we share in each other after our pasts. LOVE, HONESTY & TRUST.

Just count me as another one that was wondering if Gil was going to come up for air and post

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gil and Bandit.....

Just count me as another one that was wondering if Gil was going to come up for air and post

 

[Sapphiregem]

This is a great thread, such wonderful caring people, Really I
never would of thought I would be posting here.

For I am being physically, and emotionally abused. I am sorry to say, I have tried so many time to stop it, Most of my family don't even know. For I am too ashame to tell anyone? Some of my friends who I have spoken to, tell me I am the only one who can stop it? For I wish it was that easy. My life is such a long story, being with someone for over 28 yrs, divorcing him, and still letting him control me? I have come to think, that this is the only way to live.
This is how my life will always be, for I never known any other way of living, and as I read here, it is hard to open up to just anyone. That is the type of person I am, I do keep everything inside. Very few people I trust, and what doesn't help is the way I feel about myself, how I was always put down to a point where I beleive it all? I don't see myself as other's see me.
Oh well I am saying too much already. This is a wonderful thread.

 

[Noor]

This is a great thread, such wonderful caring people, Really I
never would of thought I would be posting here.

For I am being physically, and emotionally abused. I am sorry to say, I have tried so many time to stop it, Most of my family don't even know. For I am too ashame to tell anyone? Some of my friends who I have spoken to, tell me I am the only one who can stop it? For I wish it was that easy. My life is such a long story, being with someone for over 28 yrs, divorcing him, and still letting him control me? I have come to think, that this is the only way to live.
This is how my life will always be, for I never known any other way of living, and as I read here, it is hard to open up to just anyone. That is the type of person I am, I do keep everything inside. Very few people I trust, and what doesn't help is the way I feel about myself, how I was always put down to a point where I beleive it all? I don't see myself as other's see me.
Oh well I am saying too much already. This is a wonderful thread.

I understand what you are saying. 28 yrs is more than I can ever imagine being control by someone and you have survived, which is good, you also have divorced him, now you have to find a way to stop letting him control you and hurt you.

It is not easy and its not a straight progression forward, but the rewards are great. You have come to the right place. the people on this thread are very helpful and have a wide range of experiences so you are not alone in this.
Seeing a therapist really can help, there are also many supports groups for women who are and have been abused. Yes, you have to make the decision to end the abuse for yourself but you don't have to fight it alone.

Noor

 

[Bandit58]

trice.....I am living proof that you can get out. I spent almost 24 years married to an emotional abuser. My self esteem was non existent and I was afraid to leave because I was afraid of being alone but in the end my health was suffering both physically and mentally.

My family didn't know either, and they still don't. My parents think the sun shines out of him, and I will admit that he was very good to them over the years so I don't want to upset them. I kept everything to myself, I didn't know any different so I just put myself on autopilot and got through the days and months and years somehow.

A year before I left I developed a stomach ulcer. My body was telling me something.......I was stressed and depressed but all my feelings were mixed up and I didn't realise it, until a friend online pointed out to me that my life wasn't a normal way to live. The dam seemed to break after that and I poured everything out to him....it took me some months after that though to say what should have been said a very long time ago. And my husband did what all bullies do when someone stands up to them.......he didn't know how to cope with it and he still doesn't.

Now I've moved away and don't have to have ANY contact with him unless it's really important I'm sooo much happier. I made up my mind that once I moved out of his house that was it....he was no longer going to control me. I had the help of some very good friends, one of which had been through the same thing but she got out a lot earlier.

I was put down and told things for years that I believed were true. I have since discovered that NONE of them are true. His insecurity led him to bring me down to a point where I would be too afraid to leave. When a man told me I was beautiful I didn't see it....because my ex had never complimented me. Sex now is a journey of discovery.....I curse the years I wasted but now I look forward to many more with a loving caring man.

For the first 18 months I lived 20-30km away from him, because our daughter aged 14 chose to stay with him on the farm. I avoided contact with him as much as possible but still managed to have quality time with her. I've just moved from New Zealand to Australia and our daughter is almost 16 now. She will be able to fly over for visits and we have phone and email contact. There may be times in the future that my ex and I will have to be in the same place at the same time but they will be few and far between and he has NO control over me AT ALL now. I found strength I didn't know I had. You don't have to put up with being controlled. You say you are divorced and he still controls you......he only controls you because you let him DON'T let him......you are a person in your own right. If he lives close by, consider moving away. Dig deep.....there is strength there I'm sure

If you ever want to talk more, my PM box is open Believe me it does help a LOT to talk, it helps put things in perspective and it helped me work out what I needed to do for my own sake. Good luck