How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Hey Gil . . . that Bandit Control av . . . it looks like you've got your hands full and are overstretched . . . I could give you a hand if you liked . . .

Hi DON... In fact the loverly BANDIT is so easy to care for I do find it hard to discover reasons to need to spank her & have to make them up most times. But a helping hand never goes astray



I hope all the wonderful ppl of LIT find lots of joy in the New Year.

May 2004 be the year your been hoping for.

try this fun link & follow instructions.
http://www.riversongs.net/days/newyears.html

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Just wanted to wish everyone on the thread:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Will be out of commission from today on so take care all and enjoy life and do the things that make you happy.

Aloha!

 

[Don K Dyck]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

 

[UnspokenDreams]

From my opinion honeslty nothing can stop the pain that affects you from being abused. Not all scars are physical, I come from a past where I was in an unstable household...many say that my father was abusive. Til this day I don't know if that was true but I do know that the scars are there...for me knowing there are still good people in the world helps me in the end. Are there others that feel the way I do?

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi UnspokenDreams

From my opinion honeslty nothing can stop the pain that affects you from being abused. Not all scars are physical, I come from a past where I was in an unstable household...many say that my father was abusive. Til this day I don't know if that was true but I do know that the scars are there...for me knowing there are still good people in the world helps me in the end. Are there others that feel the way I do?

Hi Dreams, welcome to a New Year and a new way of thinking about life.

Congratulations, you have taken the first step to changing your life . . . you have started asking sensible questions. I think people here will tell you that with sufficient time, the ache lessens and even goes away.

A friend of mine at 12:01am this morning was pontificating about philosophy . . . he said that he didn't want to be too bothered by the past, there wasn't anything he could do about it except learn from the mistakes. He was more interested in the future because he could plan for that, but only by living in the present, and making decisions that would make his future the way that he wanted it to be. Not bad for midnight on New year's eve . . .

 

[UnspokenDreams]

Thank you for those kind words, I know that most people have been here abused by a lover in many different ways. With me I could never fall for one who would abuse me in such a way that my father has because now I know better. Its not like I was punched or like any of the drama stories you read about,but the abuse has affected my life severely. A friend of mine has family members that are involved with the court,she wants me to talk to them about my father but I don't know. Up until a few years ago, I never told anyone about the abuse because I thought it was me...my family thought me to be crazy,but now I know better.

UnspokenDreams

 

[Noor]

Thank you for those kind words, I know that most people have been here abused by a lover in many different ways. With me I could never fall for one who would abuse me in such a way that my father has because now I know better.
UnspokenDreams

Abusive lovers don't come with the word abuse written across them, many of them don't start out being abusive right away, some only start when they encounter stressful situations they don't know how to deal with, often they are going back to what they know to protect themselves, which is abuse.

It is easier for me to spot those who have been or are being abused but that only raises the possibility that they might become abusive, not that they actually are. I guess I could avoid those people but it doesn't seem fair to avoid people who are or were victims of abuse, something outside of the control especially if it happened when they were children. Besides I am one of them as well.

 

[Bandit58]

UnspokenDreams......I wasn't punched either but emotional abuse is devastating to the person experiencing it and it affected all aspects of my life. The way I felt about myself, the way I interacted with others, even the way I dressed and my body language. I thought I was with the only person who'd ever want me and so I stayed rather than have the courage to get out as I should have done years ago.

Oh boy now do I know better! In less than 2 years I've learned that NOT all men are insensitive assholes. I'm learning what it's like to be loved, and it's overwhelming sometimes. I don't have to hide myself anymore. I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought.....or that he made me think I was (if that makes sense). This year I'm starting a new life, in every sense of the word......

 

[UnspokenDreams]

Now a question has popped onto my mind about what it kind of leads to. For those of you, who came from an abusive house hold or one that was unstable, how did you come upon an abusive relationship later on your life? I am just curious,because one never knows what will happen and maybe hearing about it will help me later on within my own experiences.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Now a question has popped onto my mind about what it kind of leads to. For those of you, who came from an abusive house hold or one that was unstable, how did you come upon an abusive relationship later on your life? I am just curious,because one never knows what will happen and maybe hearing about it will help me later on within my own experiences.

In my case it was easy . . . escape from "home" and the rantings of an alcoholic parent as soon as possible and get into a relationship that provided some stability in an environment that was stable. Then over time that relationship soured, for which I will acccept 50% responsibility, because we just grew apart due to different ambitions at later ages.

We are all stronger than we realise. If you have come to one of those points in your relationship when what you want is diffeent from what you are getting, and the downside includes physical or emotional abuse or denigration, it is time to screw up all your courage and think seriously about ending that relationship and moving on.

Relationships go through a cycle of about 6-8 years when partners seem to evaluate their positions and decide whether they want to maintain the relationship. Think about the number of divorces that occur around multiples of seven years, it is quite large in my experience, and reflects this phenomenon.

 

[Gil_T2]

Now a question has popped onto my mind about what it kind of leads to. For those of you, who came from an abusive house hold or one that was unstable, how did you come upon an abusive relationship later on your life? I am just curious,because one never knows what will happen and maybe hearing about it will help me later on within my own experiences.

I had trouble understanding you question if it was what you should do if you are entering a relationship with an abuser my answer is simple DON'T, If it is with someone who has been abused TALK to them to try & gauge their thinking BUT make it perfectly clear that you will not tolerate any kind of abuse.

I have entered a relationship with an abused person & I too was abused (both of us were mentally abuse & we both have RESPECT for each other as well as the love that has formed....HOW will it go ???? the million dollar qusetion but there's no way I & I'm sure she will do all we can to make it right .

NOT all abused ppl turn into abusers.

 

[wicked woman]

Just wanted to bump this ....hope everyone is doing well.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just wanted to bump this ....hope everyone is doing well.

Thankyou for the bump & I too hope all is fine with all who come here & I love the new AV it's I believe so you.

Send big caring cuddles to our Shadow Dremer who is recovering from her operation.

My loverly lady BANDIT who will be back HOME with me in 15 days LOVE YOU .

To NOOR I specially hope thing are well with you & the task you have taken to help someone we all wish the best for.

I do apoligise to all on the thread as my posting is so rare these days but R/L is the reason & not my choice as this thread is so important to me as is EVERY person who comes here, you are all very important ppl of this world.

 

[Bandit58]

A letter to my ex lover (unsent)

Dear K,
It's almost a year since I've seen you.....and much has changed at my end but not a lot at yours it seems. I had a chat with A last night.....and the things she said about your relationship sound exactly like the lines you told me when we were together. How your studies are so important, how you wish you could be with her but you need to get your degree first, how "next year" you will leave your wife and get a job and then you'll be together.

When she asked you to make a choice you told her you didn't want to break up with her because you love her.....and she loves you (as I did) so she's waiting (as I would have). She hasn't seen you since before Christmas because your wife has been there.....oh I know how that feels......and she was at your graduation but you couldn't talk to her because again your wife watched you like a hawk.....how A must have hurt inside, cos I know I would have

I am so glad you had the guts to let me go, because I wouldn't have had the chance to know what it's like to have someone love me totally, without the sneaking around and snatching a few days every couple of months, of having a wife call your cellphone and hear you lie through your teeth so well, of never being able to spend nights with you, to sleep beside you......

I loved you, with my whole heart, and I believe at the time you loved me too, because you looked into my eyes and told me so, and you weren't lying.....you helped me come out of my shell, woke up my body, made me feel like a sensual woman for the first time. I know now that I'm not broken, there's nothing wrong with me and I'm much more confident (but I still blush easily, and I know you loved to see that). I'll always be grateful to you for giving me that.

Will you ever leave your wife......or will you stay with the devil you know, too afraid to step out of the comfort zone, and use lovely ladies like A to help you through the bad times. You were what I needed at that time in my life, I know that now, and I'll always be fond of you and care about you, it's hard to let go of a first love. But I have so much more now......I'm IN love, with a wonderful man, and we're starting a new life together soon. He is able to give me what you couldn't (or wouldn't, I'm not sure), he's honest, open and caring. I do hope you can be as happy one day as I am right now.....

Your soulmate,
L.


When I talked to A last night, it all sounded so familiar......I didn't sleep for quite a while afterwards, thinking about how it all used to be, and how much better my life is now. I had thought I was happy then.....now I really know what true happiness is.

I love you so much Gil

 

[Ladybird]

In my case it was easy . . . escape from "home" and the rantings of an alcoholic parent as soon as possible and get into a relationship that provided some stability in an environment that was stable. Then over time that relationship soured, for which I will acccept 50% responsibility, because we just grew apart due to different ambitions at later ages.

We have walked a similar path, you and I.

I left home at 17 to get away from my manipulative and controlling mother (she was divorced from my alcoholic father by then). The only way out was for me to marry, so I did. But I stayed within my comfort zone, and married a manipulative and controlling man. I didn't realise it though, I was just so used to this behavour. Time moved on, children were born and I existed. I knew I wasn't happy but I didn't know what to do about it, my self esteem was at an all time low. It was a friend from this site that helped me through and let me see just how bad things were. He will always be special to me now.

But we are stronger than we realise. I think we just need to dig inside and find it... it's there, waiting. I've surprised myself with many things that I've accomplished since being on my own. Living alone is still new to me. I went from my mothers home to my husbands, now I'm beginning again and it feels so good.

To anyone out there who doubts that they have the strength to do what needs to be done... look inside, and feel the strength. Remember all that you have suffered and been through... and survived. To have done all of that takes strenght.. you ARE strong, and you CAN do it.

 

[Bandit58]

Ladybird.....our experiences too seem similar.....and for me too it took friends online to point out that hey, he shouldn't be treating you that way I didn't realise how isolated I had become. I wasn't living, I too was just existing.....and I didn't realise just how much stress I was under until I ended up with a stomach ulcer the year before I plucked up the courage to leave

It's taken time and a lot of work but I've surprised myself too....once upon a time I'd never have got on a plane alone and flown to another country. Now I'm planning to move to be with Gil I still can't believe how happy I am.....I pinch myself sometimes just to make sure it isn't a dream.

My ex may have bent me but he didn't break me, and now I've straightened my shoulders and look the world in the eye The strength was there, I just didn't know it. I see it in my daughter, it's more obvious in her. She stands up for herself......so hopefully she won't repeat the cycle.....

 

[Gil_T2]

Dear ladies knowing you both on LIT & in R/L is a honour for my & to have BANDITS love has me happier then ever before in my life & at 50 that's hard for me to belive like my love I keep pinching myself making sure it is so very real.

LADYBIRD...It's such a pitty that some men are total fools in not appriciating the fine lady they have & because both of you have had similar abuse in the past this applies to both of you.

A relationship is nothing without honesty & respect.

2 fine ladies one my love & the other a true friend.

14 days to go.

 

[cheekygirl]

Hi guys. I have been reading this thread for several hours and have felt an amazing range of emotions. I am so proud of everyone for their strength and courage. I too have issues that I have never ever discussed with anyone, but you guys have made me feel it is ok, and I am ok. I do believe that the things that happen to you in life, good or bad, make you into who you are today, and most days I feel pretty good about it. Some days suck but I think that's life. To Bandit and Gil, you are inspiring to me. That you have found love and happiness after all the sh*t life has given you both is awesome. Even as a lurker I have felt very warmly welcome to be here anytime and be safe. Thanks guys~

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Strength

I have sat here reading and crying, partly because I cannot believe the hell some of you have lived thru, but partly because I see myself in many of the stories. Maybe someday I will have the courage to share my story, but I wanted everyone to know how much hope this thread has given me. I have hope now that someday I will be able to trust someone again with my heart, and maybe to find love. Hope that someday I will not cringe when someone says they love me. Right now, those words make me want to run, run fast and far. The only men who have told me they loved me in the past have hurt me so deeply, though rarely physically, that I find it hard to accept those words.
I can only hope that someday I will have the courage to reach out to someone, as many of you have, and to find a true love. How I long to have love that doesn't hurt and control.

My prayers go out to all of you! It takes great compassion to support those who have been abused and great strength to share your experiences so that others may learn from them. I am told talking and getting the feelings out is the beginning of healing, if so then I think many of you are well on your way.

Til then I will be lurking in the shadows.

 

[wicked woman]

Ladybird thanks for sharing your strength with us *I've noticed it on the aussie thread*... ...and WildRose and cheekygirl so glad you came out of your lurking status...so you could share yourself with us but also to remind people who post on this thread that when you give of yourself...share yourself with others...that you don't always know who you might help. Life works in mysterious ways.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi guys. I have been reading this thread for several hours and have felt an amazing range of emotions. I am so proud of everyone for their strength and courage. I too have issues that I have never ever discussed with anyone, but you guys have made me feel it is ok, and I am ok. I do believe that the things that happen to you in life, good or bad, make you into who you are today, and most days I feel pretty good about it. Some days suck but I think that's life. To Bandit and Gil, you are inspiring to me. That you have found love and happiness after all the sh*t life has given you both is awesome. Even as a lurker I have felt very warmly welcome to be here anytime and be safe. Thanks guys~

Welcome to the thread CHEEKYGIRL even though that you like so many have suffered you are here among people who do care about fellow humans & many have suffered some form of abuse them selves, each having their own DEMONS to cope with & I hope we can help everyone who comes here walk through it & come to a brighter side of life as some of us have, I have had tears of sadness & tears of joy seeing how some have fought back, I do wish we together could have a 100% victory with all who come here but alas life just isn't that fair.
As for BANDIT & I we formed a close desire for knowing all about each other many months before we met but when we did meet we were closer than I've been with ppl I've known for years & both freely gave our hearts to each other.
Cheekygirl fell free to PM,email or post anything that you want here even if it's just to say HI.

YOU ARE MPORTANT TO US ALL as each & everyone is who comes in here.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Strength

I have sat here reading and crying, partly because I cannot believe the hell some of you have lived thru, but partly because I see myself in many of the stories. Maybe someday I will have the courage to share my story, but I wanted everyone to know how much hope this thread has given me. I have hope now that someday I will be able to trust someone again with my heart, and maybe to find love. Hope that someday I will not cringe when someone says they love me. Right now, those words make me want to run, run fast and far. The only men who have told me they loved me in the past have hurt me so deeply, though rarely physically, that I find it hard to accept those words.
I can only hope that someday I will have the courage to reach out to someone, as many of you have, and to find a true love. How I long to have love that doesn't hurt and control.

My prayers go out to all of you! It takes great compassion to support those who have been abused and great strength to share your experiences so that others may learn from them. I am told talking and getting the feelings out is the beginning of healing, if so then I think many of you are well on your way.

Til then I will be lurking in the shadows.

WILDROSE...I'm glad to see you here (not because of the thread title but because you have made a start on ridding the DEMONS)
Please do try to find the right person to let it all out to, there are wonderful phone line help where you remain anomous & maybe even seeing a professional for the right way to cope but you must seek to find hope so that you can again trust & love without the fear of being hurt again.

As for me helping people here has helped me cope with my DEMONS letting me let go of so many fears I've kept for way to long.

 

[Gil_T2]

Ladybird thanks for sharing your strength with us *I've noticed it on the aussie thread*... ...and WildRose and cheekygirl so glad you came out of your lurking status...so you could share yourself with us but also to remind people who post on this thread that when you give of yourself...share yourself with others...that you don't always know who you might help. Life works in mysterious ways.

I too gain much strength from so many here giving me the strenght to trust & love again, I've killed of so many possibles because of my fear of hurt entering a relationship for more than sex, I'm very lucky that most have remained friends.

There are many very special people here at LIT who i've got to know & they are all in my heart.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

This Community

When I first came to Lit it was to read the stories and later to write and post some. It has not been all that long ago that I discovered the Forums and I am so glad I did. It was wonderful to discover a community of warm and caring individuals, who though I may never meet face to face, I feel I can truly call friends.
Thank you all for sharing with me and others, and for caring.

 

[Bandit58]

I used this thread as a place to let those demons out. Every time I felt like everything was getting on top of me, when the ex was being difficult, when I had a nightmare about being trapped.....I'd come here and type it all out. Sometimes I posted it, others I deleted. When my lover at the time broke my heart I came here to exorcise the hurt, and found a lot of love and support that helped me through the tough first few days after.

Gil I know when you started this thread it was to help another lovely lady who we both know and love, but little did we know that it would also bring us together too It did take a lot of courage to put that first post up.....I debated with myself for quite a while wondering whether to hit the "submit" button. I'm SO glad I did