how does a vanilla girl turn kinky?

[DeservingBitch]

One more thing - i don't think that being kinky is something that you either are born with or not. It may be the case for some people, but certainly not all.

I was as vanilla as they come up to a couple years ago when BDSM appeared on my radar. And now my idea of a good time involve things such as a slap-fest with Netzach (when I daydream that is), or adorning my lovely CD boy with as many clothespins as I can managed to put on his cock and balls.

And in my opinion, wanting to please your partner is as good a reason to try your hand at spanking him as anything else. The thought -- let alone the desire -- of peeing on someone had never crossed my mind until a partner asked me to do it. Now, it's up there on my list of super fun cool dirty hot things to do.

 

[ShyVixen]

I guess you could describle me as pure vanilla although at times I do like to add some sprinkles for spice. My question to you is how do I find my inner kink? Do I even have one?
I have been married to an awesome man for 12 years who has opened up to me about how he would like to add BDSM into our love life. I didnt' freak out as he thought I would but in all honesty I am not sure how to accomidate him either.
When I tried spanking him like he asked I ended up freaking out about half way through when it looked like I drew blood. I totally ruined the moment for him as I was about in tears. I know that I wasnt' hurting him and that I was doing exactly what he wanted. Yet, I still have a hard time with it.

I am wanting to please him so what should I do so that I can get into this role?

From my own personal experience, you cannot be something you are not If you are in tears, then I don't think it's for you. My ex, who was purely vanilla, couldn't and wouldn't perform even any mild forms of BDSM, as he could not bare the thought or hurting me. He didn't understand that I needed to be marked. He did like the idea of me 'topping' him, however. But I'm just not wired that way.

But, if you want to please him, maybe you could come to some sort of compromise?

 

[smotherman]

I'm not sure a vanilla girl can turn kinky. Either you are kinky deep down or you are not IMO.

I agree! I think either you have kink in you or you do not. It's not something you can wake up one day and say I'm kinky. Also I think how you were raised has alot to do with it

Kink can mean many things, do not limit yourself to the extreme part of BDSM such as crops, whips etc. You could start out by having him worship your feet and progress from there. Start out real slow until you find what you are comfortable with.

good luck to you both.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm in the camp of not thinking it is possible to make a vanilla kinky. That is not to say you mightn't have something buried inside in which case it is possible (though not if it is in a different direction to the one wished for), but from my experience if you are vanilla to the core, kinky just is not going to be who you are. I also advise people seeking to be something to please another to think long and hard as it is destined for either failure when you can no longer pretend just to please, or a lifetime of frustration, sadness, and often lowered self esteem by trying to live the life of someone you are not. If you are not the type of person another requires and desires, no amount of acting can make you that person or the right person for them, nor is it fair to you to expect you can live the life of someone you're not..***** is too short to waste in such ways.

Now assuming there is a spark somewhere inside you, fearing you are harming your partner beyond what is OK is not a sin, nor a sign you are not going to be able to please them and yourself. I have yet to talk to a PYL who has not had moments when they have questioned certain aspects and needed time to grow to a point where it becomes acceptable and not so scary, sometimes even a huge turn on. It is natural as we are raised in the mainstream with a whole different set of ethics and beliefs about what is and isn't right in loving relationships....moving beyond that without guilt can be quite a challenging journey in itself, but not impossible. I know in our relationship alone, we have both moved beyond points and acts we once thought were not possible or acceptable, and all without harm. Explore you and find out if you have any sparks of genuine interest in kink, then take steps from there.

Catalina

 

[madetotakeit]

I have to say I'm on the side of the fence that believes either you are or you aren't. It may be latent and unrealized, but it is still there. What reaction do you have when you read something or see something that falls into the realm of BDSM? Does your heart alter its beat? Do you breathe a little faster? If so, I would say it is there you just haven't felt comfortable in exploring it. If on the other hand you feel uncomfortable (in a bad way)...chances are it's not there and no matter how much you want to please him that won't change.

You can't live in a mold that someone else makes for you. Do I think the situation is hopeless? Not at all. There are many different things that can be added to a relationship. The important thing is for you to find exactly what you are and are not comfortable with. Acting in a certain way because it pleases someone else is something most people will do at some point. (I understand that overwhelming need to do what is in your power to make someone you care about happy.) Roll playing as a Domme is fine if that is something he can accept. But trying to be something you are not is disastrous. From my own standpoint as a submissive, I don't want anybody to to do anything with me unless their heart is in it. The idea of it is very unfulfilling and hollow. If both people are not happy, neither is happy.

Research, learn (about BDSM and yourself,) and share with him exactly how you feel.

 

[Netzach]

I am very much against the idea of conversions.

You can be bisexual and just not know it till the opportunity shows, likewise being really excited by SM.

And I don't think one bad experience spanking someone is enough to tell. The first time I flogged a woman was very awkward and weird for me. Sometimes your hunches about yourself take some processing and getting used to.

If you are in a good rel. and you *do* have a real internal kernel of potential for turnon from this stuff with your partner, you'll find out from talking to him more, trying different things, trying *everything* you can think of till you know what works and doesn't. Don't ignore your own sexual satisfaction though. In these situations I don't think a quid pro quo notion is a bad idea, so he should be going out of his way to make your fantasies happen too.

 

[Netzach]

One more thing - i don't think that being kinky is something that you either are born with or not. It may be the case for some people, but certainly not all.

I was as vanilla as they come up to a couple years ago when BDSM appeared on my radar. And now my idea of a good time involve things such as a slap-fest with Netzach (when I daydream that is), or adorning my lovely CD boy with as many clothespins as I can managed to put on his cock and balls.

And in my opinion, wanting to please your partner is as good a reason to try your hand at spanking him as anything else. The thought -- let alone the desire -- of peeing on someone had never crossed my mind until a partner asked me to do it. Now, it's up there on my list of super fun cool dirty hot things to do.

The bone to pick I have here is that as I see it, you were a perv without opportunity or outlet or self-awareness, not vanilla.

But you can slap me if you think I'm wrong, bring it.

 

[WriterDom]

I think you are fighting against human nature. Women have been submissive since cavemen started dragging them back to cave by their hair. Yes, there are female Dommes and I can almost name everyone of them that have been through here in the last 8 years. They are as rare as rubies and I bet you could check the personals and find 1000 ads from submissive men looking for one with no responses. You can continue to beat his ass, but obviously you aren't getting jack out of it. But cudos for trying. So many men refuse to make an effort to be Dom for their partner.

 

[Netzach]

I think you are fighting against human nature. Women have been submissive since cavemen started dragging them back to cave by their hair. Yes, there are female Dommes and I can almost name everyone of them that have been through here in the last 8 years. They are as rare as rubies and I bet you could check the personals and find 1000 ads from submissive men looking for one with no responses.

This would suggest to me that submission is pretty much human nature. Otherwise I would not have many responses when I run an ad for a boy, since it seems they'd be out dragging cave girls.

 

[WriterDom]

This would suggest to me that submission is pretty much human nature. Otherwise I would not have many responses when I run an ad for a boy, since it seems they'd be out dragging cave girls.

But there is a mismatch, no? More from the supply of Dommes than from the demand of subs.

 

[Homburg]

But there is a mismatch, no? More from the supply of Dommes than from the demand of subs.

There's the same mismatch with Mdoms and fsubs. And?

 

[WriterDom]

There's the same mismatch with Mdoms and fsubs. And?

A mismatch? Perhaps. The same mismatch? I'm not buying it.

 

[DeservingBitch]

The bone to pick I have here is that as I see it, you were a perv without opportunity or outlet or self-awareness, not vanilla.

But you can slap me if you think I'm wrong, bring it.

Yes, you're probably right on this.

But the way I see it is that the odds are that there are a lot of people like me out there. I grew up in an environment that is fairly open and healthy regarding sexuality, I've lived in a big urban center for the last 6 years, there's always been a lot of queer people and other sexual outlaws around me, porn has always been of easy access to me, and still, BDSM appeared on my radar and tingled something in me only after 10 years of being sexually active.

So, I agree that converting a vanilla to be a perv is probably bound to fail. But I'm sure there's a lot of potential for pervs in many vanillas out there. That, and I also think that Dan Savage is right about the GGG stuff.

So yeah - you're right. Do I get you to slap me?

 

[DeservingBitch]

I think you are fighting against human nature. Women have been submissive since cavemen started dragging them back to cave by their hair. Yes, there are female Dommes and I can almost name everyone of them that have been through here in the last 8 years. They are as rare as rubies and I bet you could check the personals and find 1000 ads from submissive men looking for one with no responses. You can continue to beat his ass, but obviously you aren't getting jack out of it. But cudos for trying. So many men refuse to make an effort to be Dom for their partner.

So, women are by nature submissive, and this is best illustrated by the fact that they are so many submissive men out there unable to find a Fdom. That makes a lot of sense.

Here's a thought: look at personal ads. A quick look at Craigslist would do. You'll find that ads by men significantly outnumber ads by women, whether they're looking just for a casual vanilla fuck, for a sub, a dom, or for used panties. The M4M section is also significantly more populated than the W4W section.

So, what does it tell us? That women are by nature submissive? Or that women seem to rely less than men doa on personal ads to find a partner?

I'll put my money on the later.

And for the record, nature explains flowers and rain and such. Unequal social structures explain why women have been kept in a position of submissiveness for as long as we can remember. But it's been and continue to be quite convenient for those who benefit from this unequal social structures to claim that doing things otherwise would be going against nature or god's plan or whatnot.

 

[Homburg]

A mismatch? Perhaps. The same mismatch? I'm not buying it.

I should've said "Same sort of mismatch". Not trying to equate the numbers. I've no clue. Just saying that the ratio is very heavily tilted towards subs in both sexes.

Though, frankly, I agree that societal expectations and conventions are much more restrictive on women insofar as dominance is concerned. Probably makes it less likely that they will express their dominance as they may otherwise.

 

[alexanna]

So, what does it tell us? That women are by nature submissive? Or that women seem to rely less than men doa on personal ads to find a partner?

I think women have been conditioned to be less comfortable with dominance for sure but in addition women have also been conditioned to be less comfortable with their sexuality in general. Women are taught to suck it up and take what your man is willing to give you. We're beginning to be more comfortable acknowleging our sexual needs and desires but proportionally I think men are still far more comfortable looking for what they want and going after it with regard to the bedroom.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Though, frankly, I agree that societal expectations and conventions are much more restrictive on women insofar as dominance is concerned. Probably makes it less likely that they will express their dominance as they may otherwise.

Yep. And same social expectations and pressures probably have something to do with the fact that women are less likely to go asking or getting what they want sexually. Women are taught and pressured into denying their own sexuality and pleasure, women's sexuality is still taboo, and women are shamed and guilted every day for being sexual. That to me explains why so many women enjoy bottoming and giving up control of their sexuality.

Other women, like me, prefer to go the other way and dig the complete and even excessive control and power in their sexual interaction with men. And of course, the fact that I love to have a man knee in front of me and beg to be given the pleasure of sniffing and licking my toes is no stranger to the world I live in where as a woman, I definitely lack control and power.

And I don't think it's much different for Mdom for that matter. Sure, men are taught to be dominant and agressors and all that, but very few men are actually in a position of control and power in their life. The social expectations of masculinity rarely fit the reality of most men's lives. It's like they've been lied to, and they're not getting the cake they were told they deserve. M/f becomes a space where they can play what reality should be given them but doesn't.

On the other side, given that men are taught to be predators and aggressors, are expected to be overly sexual, boys will be boys and all that, it's no wonders that so many of them are also looking to submit and that so many of those have a tie-me-up-and-do-me attitude. Bottoming is this safe space where they can get away from social expectations around their sexuality and masculinity.

Basically, social expectations and pressures around sexuality fuck up pretty much everybody. And there are more than one ways for people to act on it. Some are just healthier than others. For the record, I generally see BDSM as one of those healthy outlet.

 

[Netzach]

Men, submissive men included, as rough as it is to be one, are taught to take pleasure in their own accomplishments and to follow their own needs. A lot are more smug and narcissistic charmers than their Dom counterparts.

Women are taught to take pride in what they do for others. Inherently dominant women who eventually come out as Dommes have had to reconcile themselves, often, to being unable to do this try as they might, on a sexual and identity level. I think a lot of the people who *would* be placing ads are social casualties of "women are inherently submissive."

Do I think every woman is inherently a Domme? No. But I think a lot more women than realize it would actually enjoy some form of erotic control and drivers seat with the right partner and the right context - it's men's jackoff scripts for Dominatrices that turn most women off, and a very small percentage of us on any of the time.

Men, Dom or sub have a social green light on sexual satisfaction and personal life satisfaction that women have only had for maybe as long as I've been alive or so. Give it time, I know a lot more switches than anything else.

 

[Netzach]

Yep. And same social expectations and pressures probably have something to do with the fact that women are less likely to go asking or getting what they want sexually. Women are taught and pressured into denying their own sexuality and pleasure, women's sexuality is still taboo, and women are shamed and guilted every day for being sexual. That to me explains why so many women enjoy bottoming and giving up control of their sexuality.

Other women, like me, prefer to go the other way and dig the complete and even excessive control and power in their sexual interaction with men. And of course, the fact that I love to have a man knee in front of me and beg to be given the pleasure of sniffing and licking my toes is no stranger to the world I live in where as a woman, I definitely lack control and power.

And I don't think it's much different for Mdom for that matter. Sure, men are taught to be dominant and agressors and all that, but very few men are actually in a position of control and power in their life. The social expectations of masculinity rarely fit the reality of most men's lives. It's like they've been lied to, and they're not getting the cake they were told they deserve. M/f becomes a space where they can play what reality should be given them but doesn't.

On the other side, given that men are taught to be predators and aggressors, are expected to be overly sexual, boys will be boys and all that, it's no wonders that so many of them are also looking to submit and that so many of those have a tie-me-up-and-do-me attitude. Bottoming is this safe space where they can get away from social expectations around their sexuality and masculinity.

Basically, social expectations and pressures around sexuality fuck up pretty much everybody. And there are more than one ways for people to act on it. Some are just healthier than others. For the record, I generally see BDSM as one of those healthy outlet.

Maybe women were submissive in cave man equations, but men have definitely not been Dominant since the Feudal era. Most of them get to do anything but what they want.

Also compare the ratio of FDoms to subs with the ratio of MDoms to fsubs who are consistently meeting good, quality, desireable, experienced MDoms and not just people who are jacking it behind their computers and daydreaming. Does this say anything about Dominance among humans?

 

[Netzach]

I think women have been conditioned to be less comfortable with dominance for sure but in addition women have also been conditioned to be less comfortable with their sexuality in general. Women are taught to suck it up and take what your man is willing to give you. We're beginning to be more comfortable acknowleging our sexual needs and desires but proportionally I think men are still far more comfortable looking for what they want and going after it with regard to the bedroom.

Female orgasm was pretty much a PATHOLOGY till about 1950something. And then it just didn't really exist.

 

[Netzach]

I should've said "Same sort of mismatch". Not trying to equate the numbers. I've no clue. Just saying that the ratio is very heavily tilted towards subs in both sexes.

Though, frankly, I agree that societal expectations and conventions are much more restrictive on women insofar as dominance is concerned. Probably makes it less likely that they will express their dominance as they may otherwise.

Like many male subs most of us have tried everything we can and just could not take it any longer. Women are just trained to suffer, suck up, and go without a little better with more consequence for not, often. My mother always said I was selfish and she's absolutely right.

 

[WriterDom]

My Domme friend told me long ago that the problem with sub men was never quantity, but quality. There might be as many sub guys out there as sub women. Maybe more. All I'm saying is there aren't a lot of Domme women out there. It's not hard at all for them to hang a shingle and go pro.

Same thing with phone sex. How many men are getting paid by the minute to jerk off for women?

 

[WriterDom]

double post

 

[Netzach]

My Domme friend told me long ago that the problem with sub men was never quantity, but quality. There might be as many sub guys out there as sub women. Maybe more. All I'm saying is there aren't a lot of Domme women out there. It's not hard at all for them to hang a shingle and go pro.

Same thing with phone sex. How many men are getting paid by the minute to jerk off for women?

Yeah, women are a really crappy market segment of any commercial sexual service you can think of. Men are also providers though, there are numerous men who are pro Doms and who do M/m phone sex. All this really says to me is that sex sells and women generally are able to find the material they need without paying as much for it - whether it's because they want different material, their husbands buy it for them, or they don't like sexual services and material is all up for grabs and varies woman to woman.

 

[Netzach]

Also let's pull it all back to the reality that 98 percent of anyone asked would want to identify with BDSM not in the least and most people would be checking the vanilla checkbox and telling all of us how fucked up we are. The fact that my vanilla girlfriends often find being spanked or giving a spanking hot but can live totally fine without a partner with those interests whereas I will have to be talked down a ledge over a life like that is the kicker.

There aren't many of US.