how does a vanilla girl turn kinky?

[Netzach]

What you are talking about is generally true for the white middle/upper-middle class, but it ends there. Women of color have always been working outside of the home, as slave, domestic workers, nannies, factory workers, field workers, prostitutes, etc. Poor women have also always been working outside the house. Non-married women have been working as well.

And while it is certainly true that western society has for the longest time recognized men as the only and sole authority in the private sphere and gave men more power and privilege accordingly (in terms of land title, property, marriage and divorce laws, inheritance laws, access to credit, etc.), this shouldn't be taken to mean that women were passive and submissive subject to male authority in the day to day reality of domestic/private life. Women certainly didn't have (and still don't have) the structural power and control over their life that men did - but to suggest that this made most women actually submissive to their husband in the running of the household is a misreading of history. This reading becomes even more problematic when you look outside of the white middle class/bourgois population.

This is the problem with sociology and anthro. You have these abstract values that authorities assign to your era and your era creates for itself, and what people are constantly needed reminders of is that NO individual actually fits the type. Just because they're old or dead now doesn't mean they ever fit the type.

 

[Netzach]

Op

if you're still even reading this as we veer off course, I would urge you to pay attention to the second half of that long-ass blather I just typed.

I think a lot of women are terrified of the Dominant bedroom position because we do not want pussy snively weak partners.

Being a Dominant woman does not mean you have one or should want one (unless that's kinda your thing) - but there's a lot of legitimate fear of how you may lose respect for the person being paddled built into the worry I think.

You get to write the script in a way that's sexy to YOU. If you could make him do anything, what would turn you on?

I can still enjoy a romantic evening of hot swept-away sex if I tell my submissive husband "I want a romantic evening and you are going to plan every detail. This is our budget, and you don't go a cent over. If I don't like what I get, you will be spending the night in the hotel room pedicuring my feet and if I do like what I get you will be expected to screw me hard till you can't move a muscle."

A lot of the reluctance comes from getting messages about what a submissive male is beyond and above "a male who follows the wishes and orders of his Dominant partner."

If he likes to be paddled and you don't love doing it, well maybe that's a "treat" he has to earn from you, not a pseudo punishment that he scripts for you to give him.

Now if he's not sub but really wants pain play, I still do this with M because I'm still learning things about him. I've had masochistic lovers do pain play on themselves while I jerk them off or hold them or touch them. It's very intimate and hot and it means that I can be involved but not have to do all the work or all the planning or all the safety stuff. It's fine to start with your hands and a pair of nipples doing pain play.

 

[JMohegan]

I guess you could describle me as pure vanilla although at times I do like to add some sprinkles for spice. My question to you is how do I find my inner kink? Do I even have one?

From a strictly physical perspective, I don't believe in the existence of "vanilla" people. From a strictly physical perspective, I believe that all human beings are bisexual bottoms.

What actually turns us on is a different matter, obviously - because what arouses us sexually is pretty much all in our heads.

How does someone find his/her "inner kink"? By experimenting until something clicks, arouses, satisfies in a kinky way.

I am very much against the idea of conversions.

I've had quite a bit of success at "conversions", and would definitely cast my vote in favor of the same.

However, I agree that attempts to coerce, force, intimidate, or guilt-trip the non-kinky into activities they find unappealing or even repugnant are sometimes grossly unfair, if not downright cruel.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Oh I read a great analysis of these that I'm sticking to.

A lot of the appeal has to do with that swept away happy ever after part of the narrative, right? When do people REALLY have someone else to solve their problems for 'em--- when Mom does.

I read a brilliant analysis of the Romance genre which I had minimal patience with because I don't care for the genre much in the first place, but the author had some really compelling evidence that the hero in fairly conventional romance, down to the improbable pecs all over the cover - is basically Mom in drag.

That's brilliant. Any idea who wrote that? Would love to read it.

I think people are interested in sexual submission at all time highs now because of capitalism fatigue sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes - for men AND women who find submission "a simplification" and "a relaxing escape."

I think the appeal is stronger for women because we're generally more capitalistically fatigued because we're still expected to do most of the house/kid crap on top of the other crap. For the men who go there, there's usually a really psycho job stressor, a job the necessitates more "on" time than a lot of other jobs. So I don't think it's about longing for the old order out of biology, but out of the perception of benefit built into it for women or the same kind of benefit for submissive men.

Not every sub feels that way about their submission though.

Yep. Makes a lot of sense to me. And I think there's also something to be said about how BDSM-D/s reappropriate and rescript the notion of value as we live it through capitalism. Again, making something liberating and pleasurable out of something alieanating.

 

[DeservingBitch]

if you're still even reading this as we veer off course, I would urge you to pay attention to the second half of that long-ass blather I just typed.

I think a lot of women are terrified of the Dominant bedroom position because we do not want pussy snively weak partners.

Being a Dominant woman does not mean you have one or should want one (unless that's kinda your thing) - but there's a lot of legitimate fear of how you may lose respect for the person being paddled built into the worry I think.

You get to write the script in a way that's sexy to YOU. If you could make him do anything, what would turn you on?

I can still enjoy a romantic evening of hot swept-away sex if I tell my submissive husband "I want a romantic evening and you are going to plan every detail. This is our budget, and you don't go a cent over. If I don't like what I get, you will be spending the night in the hotel room pedicuring my feet and if I do like what I get you will be expected to screw me hard till you can't move a muscle."

A lot of the reluctance comes from getting messages about what a submissive male is beyond and above "a male who follows the wishes and orders of his Dominant partner."

If he likes to be paddled and you don't love doing it, well maybe that's a "treat" he has to earn from you, not a pseudo punishment that he scripts for you to give him.

Now if he's not sub but really wants pain play, I still do this with M because I'm still learning things about him. I've had masochistic lovers do pain play on themselves while I jerk them off or hold them or touch them. It's very intimate and hot and it means that I can be involved but not have to do all the work or all the planning or all the safety stuff. It's fine to start with your hands and a pair of nipples doing pain play.

Yes. What she said.

 

[SweetGigi]

*snorts and cackles*

I'm just glad to have my many years of BDSM behind me here. I was born as I am... I'll die as I am.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm still going with the theory that most people--male and female--are basically submissive (the adjective) in most situations. Also, people mistake self-confidence for dominance, which is certainly an erroneous belief. Sure, most women don't want little pussy-ass men they can walk all over, but most men don't want a timid doormat, either. Self-confidence--not to be confused with dominance--is usually equally attractive to all sexes and orientations.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with the bold part of your post above!

 

[Homburg]

Also MP, you're failing to imagine what a hetero FDom romance would look like. A strong woman would save a strong man. A strong woman would be in charge of a whole bunch of strong men and one would emerge as more desireable and better than the others. A man would bleed his fingers to the bone to be with the heroine and get to. Those are all narratives which pop in from time to time in our imagination too, probably left over from the high middle ages and myth. The narrative leaves off when he "wins" her, not when he's pounded her into drudgery and browbeaten her unless you are Shakespeare.

Yup, all those bad-ass Arthurian knights were "little subbie boys". Seriously. Look at all the shit they went through to court a woman int he High Romantic fashion. Talk about jumping through hoops, damn. But weak? Nope, not those guys.

 

[Stegral]

sorry for the long post

I will jump in here now that I have read the thread.
I am actually a nilla gone kinky.
if you had told me 3 years ago that I would be into pinwheel/knife play, have swingers & poly friends, wear a collar proudly, be a submissive and evolve to a switch & "play" with others AND be very active in the local community, I would have told you that you need serious help.
Granted it has been a VERY slow methodical 2 years now...
but in those 3 years I lost a Fiance to a slave in a very bad way,then a I lost B/F that freaked me out by being a sub & wanting poly. Both were much further on the path than I & never realized I wasn't even close to understanding what they wanted/needed.

I went from being a very angry 'nilla because of the 2 losses, to a curious nilla, with a bit of help from new found friends to a curious subbie, to a bottom, to a "softy" switch that prefers to bottom. By "softy" I mean sensory play & occasional cane/crop as well. I cannot flog, spank or paddle yet without feeling queasy, so kudos to the OP for spanking her hubby & with a brush no less.
I do NOT do bondage well or any restraints.
I can NOT do electroplay at all as I can suffer temporary paralysis.
I do have loyalty to one Male that "plays" me but I am not collared.
I am very selective with the males I "play" with.
Those I do scene with are very aware I will NOT be beating their ass, but rather arousing them quite differently. They WILL have marks, but not the status quo type for our play group. My Top met me at a fetish ball 2 years ago & noticed my aversion to the toys & offered up a card if I wanted to talk. we met up & talked for hours on a nature trail, little did I know he was seeing my outlook on the lifestyle & why I was at the fetish ball if I was so obviously nilla. He has walked me through the hatred of a lifestyle that took 2 guys from me and helped me to be a very well informed person that enjoys the lifestyle.
I think we all have kink in us, some it lays dormant...
I believe something has to spark that flame.
I think once it is sparked it must be fed slowly, carefully kept smoldering.
I think once the fire is set & a person finds what THEY want THEN it will come to life.

I personaly don't think anyone should be forced to do something they honestly don't want to do. My Top learned my limits & respected them. He still does to this day, we stretch those limits gently/slowly but He NEVER forces me to do something I do not want.

Maybe the OP isn't into percussion/stingy /thuddy??
Maybe bondage or CBT or something else might start her up.
Maybe there is a local "adult" store that holds workshops or get a few good books... My person fav is "screw the roses, send the thorns" it is written by an actual D/s couple & I find it very down to earth each time I re-read it.
Maybe there is a local group you could be a part of to help you BOTH learn.

I commend you on your braveness to spank him.
I do hope you research & learn about this wonderful lifestyle.
I do hope there is a local group that can help.

have fun

 

[alexanna]

I think people are interested in sexual submission at all time highs now because of capitalism fatigue sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes - for men AND women who find submission "a simplification" and "a relaxing escape."

I think the appeal is stronger for women because we're generally more capitalistically fatigued because we're still expected to do most of the house/kid crap on top of the other crap. For the men who go there, there's usually a really psycho job stressor, a job the necessitates more "on" time than a lot of other jobs. So I don't think it's about longing for the old order out of biology, but out of the perception of benefit built into it for women or the same kind of benefit for submissive men.

Not every sub feels that way about their submission though.

This is so me. For 10 years my submissive fantasies were pretty tame masturbation fodder until I became pregnant with #4 and the stress of that and my career just became too much. Tame fantasies to think about to get me in the mood for vanilla sex suddenly became a NEED I had to have right now.

I hate being typical. Oh well....too tired to be anything else.

 

[Netzach]

I do think that SM is a fundamental human variation that finds outlets across cultures, sometimes it's socially sanctioned and has a socially acceptable context, and in the West it flies below radar and is relegated to something sexual and closeted for the most part. With the exception of athletics - a lot of pain and sacrifice are supported in the name of what's good for the body. Just don't let the sensual pleasure of the pain in the gain get too overt. But I think we are subject to so much suffering that it only makes sense that we want to make sense of it, release the pain of suffering for which we're not sure there's meaning and validation with some suffering which we *give* meaning and validation.

 

[DeservingBitch]

With the exception of athletics - a lot of pain and sacrifice are supported in the name of what's good for the body. Just don't let the sensual pleasure of the pain in the gain get too overt.

Oh yes. The popularity of gyms and the number of people ready to pay shit loads of money for the opportunity to have a personal trainer make them suffer says something about people's desire for pain and submission.

I've never felt as submissive and masochist as for the 2 months I worked-out with a personal trainer. That woman was the epitomy of the bitchy and mean dominatrix. And she was damn good at it too. Somehow, she would actually managed to get me to do 10 more, just to show the bitch that I could take it.

And then, some people actually take it one step further: http://www.misscandypt.com/

 

[Bunnytrax]

I think a lot of women are terrified of the Dominant bedroom position because we do not want pussy snively weak partners.

You get to write the script in a way that's sexy to YOU. If you could make him do anything, what would turn you on?

If he likes to be paddled and you don't love doing it, well maybe that's a "treat" he has to earn from you, not a pseudo punishment that he scripts for you to give him.

Your are right. the idea of my man being weak pussy does not turn me on. Great advice about making it what turns me on and have him earn his spanking. Thank you

 

[Bunnytrax]

I think it's great to be open to things like you are. I really do. You lover is a lucky man.

It sounds to me like you really want to please him. Which would sexually put you in the mindset of a submissive IMO.

LOL yeah I think you might be right.

 

[JMohegan]

From my perspective, I'd say that athletics offer an outstanding opportunity for experiencing one type of physical pain/pleasure, as well as an extremely useful opportunity for one type of release.

I wouldn't call it sexual, though. Sexual arousal, for me, is something totally different.

 

[Netzach]

Your are right. the idea of my man being weak pussy does not turn me on. Great advice about making it what turns me on and have him earn his spanking. Thank you

I strongly suggest checking out the thing that DB linked, it's a really much better thing than anything I said about just that. All Female Dominance really is is you deciding what happens more of the time or all of the time. The whips chains and role stuff is fun for some people in doses, others a lot of the time, and some not at all.

 

[Netzach]

From my perspective, I'd say that athletics offer an outstanding opportunity for experiencing one type of physical pain/pleasure, as well as an extremely useful opportunity for one type of release.

I wouldn't call it sexual, though. Sexual arousal, for me, is something totally different.

Totally agree. I don't think that cheek piercing in Bali is about sex either, but I do think it's about taking that pain and sensation and sacrifice and making it about something, though - it's universal ( well as much as I think anything might be) that people want to assign a meaning to certain types of voluntary suffering, not that the meaning and implication gets 'em off.

 

[Bunnytrax]

Here's some reading that could help:

The Vanilla Domme

There's also a bunch of other stuff on this site that could be helpful.

Have fun.

Thanks! This is a really good link that answered alot of my questions.

 

[Homburg]

Oh yes. The popularity of gyms and the number of people ready to pay shit loads of money for the opportunity to have a personal trainer make them suffer says something about people's desire for pain and submission.

I've never felt as submissive and masochist as for the 2 months I worked-out with a personal trainer. That woman was the epitomy of the bitchy and mean dominatrix. And she was damn good at it too. Somehow, she would actually managed to get me to do 10 more, just to show the bitch that I could take it.

And people wonder why I am so against the idea of a trainer, or even a coach.

That said, athletics is the one area where I pursue pain with a passion. As I've said before, I ride dangerously when I hit the trails, and have gone over my bars many times as a result. I earn my scrapes, bruises, and fractures, pick myself, and keep on going, and always feel better at the end for it.
It's the one time where I can definitely empathise with the mindset of a bottom, as those trails show me who's boss whenever they feel like it.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Thanks! This is a really good link that answered alot of my questions.

Eh - I aim to please 'n serve.

 

[Violent_Placebo]

it is possible...

I stumbled upon this post and thought i would give it a read.
I have to say I agree with alot of whats been said although i am not fully experianced.
You probably are kinky to some extent it will be a case of finding out what you can handle and what you enjoy and not pushing yourself further than that as have people have said you like it or you don't in my experiance of things =/
Anyways hope that was a little helpful.

 

[KinkyKiki7]

I connect to what Laylay was saying. I am very sweet and innocent too. I didn't know that this side of me existed either. I have been involved in BDSM w/my Master for about 4 1/2 years. In my experience it just takes time. Not all of it is easy. There were many times that I cried too, but eventually the rewards are amazing! There is something about being a slave to my Master that I find incredibly rewarding. Knowing that he is pleased and getting out of it what he wants is great. Him being happy=me being happy. I would try stuff slowly. Add new things here or there. Talk about things you would not be into doing and things you might be okay with. Surprisingly the longer you're together, the more the "Won't ever do" list shrinks, as your relationship grows. It's very rewarding and enjoyable. Take your time and best of luck!

 

[Bunnytrax]

So Hubby and I went over a checklist. Some of the things I had to look up because i had no idea what they were. BUT OMG I am not as vanilla as I thought LOL there were quite a few things I was interested in trying on him.
Thanks everyone for the info and support.

 

[FurryFury]

That's awesome! I'm so glad you enjoyed going through a check list and that it opened up some things for you!

 

[00Syd]

Oy vey

I just told my boyfriend a couple of months ago that this was something that I'm interested in, and when we first began to try some things he did what I asked but for the most part was just playing along. After a while though, he began to enjoy himself and dominate more of his own accord (thank goodness!) .

So while this very easily could just not be for you, if you keep an open mind you may find yourself liking it!

Best of luck