How much is too much or too little sex in a marriage

[ctarrantella]

The last thing you want is for her to feel as though having sex is just one more chore on her list.

It’s too late for that. I’m already there. She has told me that and I try not to push. So, by me not pushing 2 days of me not asking turns into 4 days, then a week, then two.

I always thought of sex as a way to escape life for a little while, to reconnect with your partner and to make them feel good.

Same here. When I’m stressed, I look for sex with my wife. There has never been a time where I denied her sex even though I was so tired and already 99% asleep.

 

[Leglover1234]

How is sex a bargaining tool? If she’s aroused and wants sex, she’ll want sex. If she’s not aroused, she won‘t want sex.

Me- wanna fool around tonight?
Her- maybe if you clean the bathrooms for me.

Pretty sure that’s bargaining

 

[ctarrantella]

Me- wanna fool around tonight?
Her- maybe if you clean the bathrooms for me.

Pretty sure that’s bargaining

I never got asked to do that. But I have been asked to cook for sex. But that’s also because I’m a good cook and do enjoy it. And I think it was more of a joke. But, hell, the sex was amazing that night and I said I’d cook every night if she would have sex with me like that. I don’t think she asked me to cook since. LOL

 

[Uncut1969]

Mine wife treats it like a choir! That she hates to do so she puts it off!

 

[KatieDoes]

Me- wanna fool around tonight?
Her- maybe if you clean the bathrooms for me.

Pretty sure that’s bargaining

Why would she need to ask you to clean the bathrooms?

 

[KatieDoes]

Mine wife treats it like a choir! That she hates to do so she puts it off!

Then it’s not good sex for her.

 

[EarlyDawn1973]

Why would she need to ask you to clean the bathrooms?

Yeah, I never asked about bathrooms..perhaps I should have..

 

[Leglover1234]

Well I ended up cleaning the the house doing the laundry and dishes plus my outdoor chores daily. But that’s for another thread

 

[Leglover1234]

Why would she need to ask you to clean the bathrooms?

Cause she decided she no longer wanted to do it

 

[ctarrantella]

Well I ended up cleaning the the house doing the laundry and dishes plus my outdoor chores daily. But that’s for another thread

What does your wife do around the house then? Just curious.

 

[Leglover1234]

At the time just cook and took care of the kids while I was working at night

 

[Uncut1969]

I woul

Then it’s not good sex for her. say that

Then it’s not good sex for her.

I wouldn’t say that when she does she multi orgasms she is just vanilla and self conscious about sex and nudity ! Never had a complaint before!

 

[hanban24]

If that’s not it, then I’d recommend making time to connect emotionally, without it being about sex. Women (NotAllWomen, but generally) tend to need to feel connected and safe emotionally to crave sex. If we don’t feel that we are valued and heard, it’s really difficult to shift into the intimacy required for good sex. Sex begins to feel like something that is being demanded of us, rather than offered to us. The last thing you want is for her to feel as though having sex is just one more chore on her list.

I agree with this. We do need that emotional connection, very similar to the way men have the need for the sexual connection. It is just the way we are wired. However, I don’t know if that is going to solve his problem. Just because he is emotionally available, doesn’t mean she will automatically become sexually available. At the end of the day, you have to be willing to pull your weight. Saying that, pulling her weight shouldn’t also be considered having sex every night or whenever the guy wants it.

 

[KatieDoes]

OP, it might just be that she has different needs than you do. That her need for intimacy is more emotional intimacy and yours is more physical intimacy. It doesn‘t really matter how often other people have sex. What matters is that you find a way to both be happy. Your needs aren’t more important than hers, and hers aren’t more important than yours. So while you can both do your best to fulfill each other, neither of you is entitled to what the other doesn’t want to provide.

If just having the same conversation over and over again isn’t bringing the results you want, maybe consider a few counseling sessions together? It might help you figure out what the disconnect is, before it becomes unfixable.

 

[Jseven82B]

When my lovely wife was healthy we had sex three or four days a week. Since things have changed, three times a year max.

 

[ctarrantella]

If just having the same conversation over and over again isn’t bringing the results you want, maybe consider a few counseling sessions together? It might help you figure out what the disconnect is, before it becomes unfixable.

Not going to lie, the thought has definitely crossed my mind. But I’m pretty sure she would be uncomfortable talking about our sex life with a stranger or counselor. It’s a conversation I’m also scared to have.

 

[KatieDoes]

Not going to lie, the thought has definitely crossed my mind. But I’m pretty sure she would be uncomfortable talking about our sex life with a stranger or counselor. It’s a conversation I’m also scared to have

That’s completely understandable. Jumping into it runs the risk of finding out things you don’t want to know. Avoiding the conversation runs the risk of letting resentment build beyond repair. Problems are easier to fix when they’re small… but they’re also easier to ignore. Only you (and she) can decide.

 

[Solsurfer]

This all speaks directly to me. I’m lucky to get 3-5 times a month. I want it 3 times a week but she would be happy with twice a month. It makes for a difficult situation. That’s how I found Lit and continue on here even though she would be angry I’m online chatting about anything sexual.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation. Sometimes it feels very lonely but then I read comments from you all and realize this is very common. To have partners who’s libidos don’t match up for whatever reason. It’s very tough. A constant thorn in the side of any relationship. Always there. Always nagging.
I’m glad we all can share here and vent and read and learn from others’ experiences. Thank you all for sharing.

 

[ctarrantella]

This all speaks directly to me. I’m lucky to get 3-5 times a month. I want it 3 times a week but she would be happy with twice a month. It makes for a difficult situation. That’s how I found Lit and continue on here even though she would be angry I’m online chatting about anything sexual.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation. Sometimes it feels very lonely but then I read comments from you all and realize this is very common. To have partners who’s libidos don’t match up for whatever reason. It’s very tough. A constant thorn in the side of any relationship. Always there. Always nagging.
I’m glad we all can share here and vent and read and learn from others’ experiences. Thank you all for sharing.

Amen. Same here.
This is terrible, but, I usually feel better by talking to one of my best friends. He is in a miserable marriage. The only reason he is still married is because of money (he makes a lot) and his kids. With the exception of the sex (lack of) I have a great marriage and family. Wouldn’t change a thing. Just would love to average 2-3 times a week. Not once a week. Or a couple times then a two week stretch of nothing. But we seem to be the same.

 

[Solsurfer]

Amen. Same here.
This is terrible, but, I usually feel better by talking to one of my best friends. He is in a miserable marriage. The only reason he is still married is because of money (he makes a lot) and his kids. With the exception of the sex (lack of) I have a great marriage and family. Wouldn’t change a thing. Just would love to average 2-3 times a week. Not once a week. Or a couple times then a two week stretch of nothing. But we seem to be the same.

Exactly!!
I’ll get it two days in a row over the weekend then....nothing. For another week or two. Until I say something. Then it’s like “oh yeah! We should have sex, it’s been a while.” Like it’s something she doesn’t even think about until I bring it up.
I didn’t get married to have a roommate, you know?
It is nice when I get together with my good buddy and we can commiserate together about our wives. We complain about lack of sex while the women get together and probably complain about our need for sex so much. Lol!!

 

[CTim]

Then it’s like “oh yeah! We should have sex, it’s been a while.” Like it’s something she doesn’t even think about until I bring it up.

Look up responsive desire. It's a legitimate thing that a significant percentage of women deal with. They literally don't feel any desire for sex until they actually get started. My wife is this way. She'll almost always enjoy sex once we get going but only rarely really gets fired up on her own. If I waited for her to initiate we might only do it once or twice a month. Some communication, education, and understanding all helped get us to 2-3 times a week.

 

[ctarrantella]

Look up responsive desire. It's a legitimate thing that a significant percentage of women deal with. They literally don't feel any desire for sex until they actually get started. My wife is this way. She'll almost always enjoy sex once we get going but only rarely really gets fired up on her own. If I waited for her to initiate we might only do it once or twice a month. Some communication, education, and understanding all helped get us to 2-3 times a week.

Really, that’s interesting. I’m going to look it up. Probably my wife also.

 

[CTim]

Really, that’s interesting. I’m going to look it up. Probably my wife also.

It explains a lot of the sexual desire issues many otherwise loving long time married couples struggle with. Basically, you can be a great looking dude who does his share around the house, your wife loves you and is happy with you, yet she still rarely wants to jump your bones. It's also not what the movies, porn, or romance novels portray because let's face it, spontaneous desire sounds much hotter. Unfortunately, responsive desire is real life for many(most?) women. At least those in long term relationships.

 

[RedPhoenixxx]

I do not think there is a specific number that would be the right answer. It's all about the couple and what they feel is right for them. I think most of the time you'll find though that one person feels sex is always being brought up to the point of being frustrating and the other person thinks it is not happening enough. Matching that sexual libido can be a tough request. The other issue is people and life change and with those changes drives and just the opportunities can change as well. Kids, jobs, health, stress, can all play a matter in how a person feels about sex and you are trying to get two people with all of those same factors to come together.

 

[Solsurfer]

I get it. That’s what it is. She has fun when we do mess around but she has so many other things going on in her brain, sex isn’t a priority. Communication is key.