How much is too much or too little sex in a marriage

[ctarrantella]

I get it. That’s what it is. She has fun when we do mess around but she has so many other things going on in her brain, sex isn’t a priority. Communication is key.

A woman’s mind never stops. You know how many times in bed I hear that. She can’t shut it off for 20 minutes to have sex and go to sleep.

 

[Crownvic]

A woman’s mind never stops. You know how many times in bed I hear that. She can’t shut it off for 20 minutes to have sex and go to sleep.

Love those images..rolling around...mmmmmmm

 

[Bbl87]

It really depends on the couple, and the two individuals within that couple. It sounds redundant, but factors/dynamics within your relationship can change what is "enough" even if the two individuals desires stay the same.

I personally would like 2-3 times a week, more would be even better but 2-3 seems reasonable. I can't 100% speak for my wife, but I think she'd be content with once a month or less. Over our 10 years of marriage, we've fluctuated between about once a week and once a month. So, even since we were newlyweds we really haven't had it near as often as I'd like. She seemed to have alot more desire before we were married, but after the wedding it was like a switch got flipped. Hell, on our 10 day honeymoon we had sex a total of 3 times. On a honeymoon. In our mid 20's.

Whenever I broach the topic, it usually goes downhill fast as she gets very defensive and says I'm making her out to be the bad guy (I go out of my way to avoid doing so). I always go out of my way to ask what I can do. As is the common refrain for many a husband/dad, doing more around the house and with the kids is always thrown out, ostensibly so she is less tired. I do a good bit around the house, including taking care of 2 rabbits she got when she was "nesting" before we had our 2nd child and now doesn't have the time or energy to care for. Admittedly a little bitter about that one.

That is the most common "thing" used to explain it away, but others have come up too: frustration when we were trying to conceive made sex feel pointless, hormones while going through fertility treatments, tiredness simply from having kids, work stresses, etc.. All of those are absolutely understandable, particularly the hormones. Fertility treatments are hell on a woman's body. But, a female poster in another thread made a point (talking about a friend who had similar issues) that stuck with me: all of those things taken individually can certainly kill libido, but taken as a whole why is it that you go from one reason to the next, and never see any real change or improvement when one wanes?

Aside from one time recently, our discussions generally lack introspection on HER part on what she, or we jointly as a couple, can do, it's usually just what I need to do. She did recently have some ideas (scheduled sex, regular non-sexual touching) for her/us to work on, though both fell by the wayside pretty quickly. The simple fact she thought about them and tossed them out, though, was a step on the right direction.

The reality is I think, they are excuses, albeit valid ones, covering up for a more central issue or issues. In my wife's case, I think it is mainly anxiety and depression. I've tried to talk to her about seeing a counselor, but she pretty much refuses to consider it. She did mention considering telehealth for it recently, which I found hopeful, but we'll see if it amounts to anything. The other thing is, I think she's content with our sex life as it is and thinks I just need to get used to it. She doesn't say that, but it's the feeling I get.

The responsive desire thing, I absolutely get. My wife, even if she isn't interested when I start, usually gets very into it once I get her going. The problem is, usually when I try to initiate it is met with a sigh, rolled eyes, etc. like it is an annoyance. I'll stop and she'll ask what's wrong. Don't get me wrong, I want to have sex but when I feel like it's an annoyance or an imposition, I can't bring myself to keep going. I hate duty sex.

Honestly, my frustrations with that are what brought me to Lit. Whether it's writing, chatting, etc., it provides an outlet for that energy in a relatively safe, accepting environment (which I don't always get from her when it comes to fantasies, kinks, etc.).

 

[FantasySharer1]

Too much: You are having so much sex that you are not meeting your duties in life at work, as parents, paying bills, or other basic relationships, personal care, etc.

Too little: You are actively seeking sex outside the bounds of what you have both agreed on is acceptable in your marriage because you aren't having *enough* sexual release (as opposed to because you specific needs are not being addressed which is a different issue).

 

[Crios]

Definitely depends on the couple. Wife is post-menopause plus her job is kind of a downer right now so she's not really up to much during the week. As a result, we get it on about once a week on the weekend. I'd love more but she's just not capable of it. I'm retired so I don't feel right in pushing her to do it more often. Since menopause she says she doesn't get spontaneously aroused by thinking about stuff or seeing things on TV but is fully aroused once we actually get started. Still multi-orgasmic although she doesn't cum as frequently as she used to. Now it's "just" 3-4 times a session.

I'm hoping we can do it more often when she retires in another year or so.

 

[Meeh81]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

Damn it would have been great if my husband is the same we only do it twice a month and my libido is skyhigh. Would not mind doing it twice a da. Thats why im here in lit

 

[ctarrantella]

Damn it would have been great if my husband is the same we only do it twice a month and my libido is skyhigh. Would not mind doing it twice a da. Thats why im here in lit

Well, we usually average out to once a week. If we ever get one of those good weeks where it’s 2 or 3 times, the following weeks are usually zero.
And that’s the reason I’m here too.

Twice a day! You are a rare women I feel. LOL!

 

[Bbl87]

Damn it would have been great if my husband is the same we only do it twice a month and my libido is skyhigh. Would not mind doing it twice a da. Thats why im here in lit

It's crazy, and kind of frustrating, how much people end up in marriages with mismatched libido. And I don't mean small difference, I mean largely mismatched. In my case, I sometimes I feel like I should have seen it coming, but the more I look back it seems like getting married was when her libido dropped. Whether that is just a coincidence, or she didn't feel like she needed to try any more since she had me locked in, I don't know, but it's frustrating either way.

 

[DennisB]

That is one of the biggest things I read on here. Relationships that are one sided. It is very sad.

 

[Kimlikes]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

A marriage takes work and love and sex so keep working at it keep love ing her , when you do have sex make her toes curl and when you do need to satisfy your self do it in the shower so she doesn’t know

 

[haventdonethat]

I have said this in other threads about the same subject . . .
In a long distance relationship so we only see each other weekly. It is non stop sex, sexual innuendo, sexual talking, sexual fondling, sexual everything. GF is insatiable.
Is it too much? Not at this time but it very well could be as I get older LOL!
I have mentioned to her about hiring some help occasionally.

 

[ctarrantella]

A marriage takes work and love and sex so keep working at it keep love ing her , when you do have sex make her toes curl and when you do need to satisfy your self do it in the shower so she doesn’t know

We work on it. I try desperately.
But taking care of myself in the shower has been happening way too much lately. It sucks when you love someone and the only reason is tiredness and time.
But yes, when we do have sex most of it is absolutely amazing and so good you can’t wait to go again.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Judging my the number of married men who come on to me, it's all too little.

 

[newhere2learn]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

2years was my longest stint with the ex wife. It (amongst other things) killed our relationship.

Once the sex was gone, kissing/handholding went, soon after that she'd get angry if I cuddled her or put my arms around her.

Then came separate beds.

By that time, I just wanted out.

 

[fma20fma]

once a day at bed time would be ok i think. maybe anal on weekends would be apt, at least for a few years when the lust lasts.

 

[DickandDoof]

I can personally testify that once every three years is definitely too little. That’s why I’m here on lit. Cyber sex may not be perfection, but it’s better than no sex.

 

[Bbl87]

Judging my the number of married men who come on to me, it's all too little.

Don't sell yourself short... perhaps you're just too alluring, even if they are getting "enough" at home.

 

[RedSilk69]

Yeah! Can’t wait for that. How long do I have. My wife is mid forties. My buddies wife is just starting it. I want to say she is 46 or 47ish.

Then I also hear some women go through it and increase their sex drive.

I’m 53, and think I’m at the far end of menopause - in other words, the years of transition were tough, but I think they’re over. My ladybits are now purely recreational. My drive is definitely lower, but that helps - I’m single (8 yrs divorced), and it was so high I was making poor choices. Now it’s gone down to human levels. The years after the divorce were active and fun, but, again - I made many poor choices. I would love partnered sex, but currently am content with sex with someone I love and who has always been there - myself.

tl;dr version: menopause is tricky, but hang tight. She’ll come out happier & more herself on the other side.

 

[Katch123]

No such thing as too much sex IMO.

 

[Bbl87]

I’m 53, and think I’m at the far end of menopause - in other words, the years of transition were tough, but I think they’re over. My ladybits are now purely recreational. My drive is definitely lower, but that helps - I’m single (8 yrs divorced), and it was so high I was making poor choices. Now it’s gone down to human levels. The years after the divorce were active and fun, but, again - I made many poor choices. I would love partnered sex, but currently am content with sex with someone I love and who has always been there - myself.

tl;dr version: menopause is tricky, but hang tight. She’ll come out happier & more herself on the other side.

I'll be honest, my wife going through menopause makes me nervous about our sex life. I've always hear people talking about pregnancy increasing sex drive, but for her it did the opposite. It was low already and dropped to almost zero. I have a sinking feeling menopause will do the same. It should be a decent number of years before we have to worry about it.

Frequency has been a point of contention most of our marriage, though the last month or two has seen some significant improvement which will hopefully be lasting. I think alot of it has to do with her recently working to address her stress and anxiety, which is something I've talked to her about many a time but it isn't my place to MAKE her get help.

 

[HampshireBoy]

Definitely depends on the couple. Wife is post-menopause plus her job is kind of a downer right now so she's not really up to much during the week. As a result, we get it on about once a week on the weekend. I'd love more but she's just not capable of it. I'm retired so I don't feel right in pushing her to do it more often. Since menopause she says she doesn't get spontaneously aroused by thinking about stuff or seeing things on TV but is fully aroused once we actually get started. Still multi-orgasmic although she doesn't cum as frequently as she used to. Now it's "just" 3-4 times a session.

I'm hoping we can do it more often when she retires in another year or so.

One of the things we used to look forward to was more sex when I retired, she effectively retired a few years ago. Unfortunately the menopause effectively killed her sex drive before I could retire so that plan went out the window.

To answer the original question; it depends on the couple and their needs, there is no such thing as a "normal" amount of sex for a married couple.

As the saying goes - a woman needs to feel desired and cherished to want sex, a man just needs a partner who is breathing (or something like that ).

 

[Katch123]

Once a day should keep the divorce lawyer away.

 

[tristantrotsky]

I do not think there is a specific number that would be the right answer. It's all about the couple and what they feel is right for them. I think most of the time you'll find though that one person feels sex is always being brought up to the point of being frustrating and the other person thinks it is not happening enough. Matching that sexual libido can be a tough request. The other issue is people and life change and with those changes drives and just the opportunities can change as well. Kids, jobs, health, stress, can all play a matter in how a person feels about sex and you are trying to get two people with all of those same factors to come together.

Enough is never enough.
I've never ever met a partner that could keep up with me. So I masturbate frequently too, even in a relationship.
I'm not bragging here. Just a statement of fact.

 

[Shark9000]

I'll take once a year for my birthday... it is better than what I have now.

 

[2tallpaul]

With my ex it was Panda sex, in heat for one day a year and I would be out of fresh bamboo shoots. My current lady friend and her girlfriend got me to step out to find I'm bi. Sex is incredible but too much. I've cut back to four or five times a week but we went at it 97 out of 100 days. I would still argue quality is more important than quantity. I would have loved having sex once or twice a week receiving enough and still have the desire for more.