How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)"


These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Iraq and will be given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale
Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter

 

[Crudebug]

Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)">>>>.
>>>
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter

ROTFLMAO....
And I suppose Bush the Dodger won't as dodgy this time... and Cheney the sniper can tag along for good measure...

 

[btrabigplay12]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint ,
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up
and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few
joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going
to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans
too far over and falls into the river.
An alligator sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the alligator that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink The alligator says he has to check this out for himself and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says:


"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude .. how much water did you drink?!!"

 

[smoothdevil]

New Cruise Offering

I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are cheap right now. I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

The cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy, but I didn’t find that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don’t have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat.
They claim to have a master blacksmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon.

The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing).

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95.

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95.

Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95.

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour ( spotting scope included).

They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads.

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment a nd coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but that seems reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar, but these gung ho entrepreneurs offer, and get this.....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my arse up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts...and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!"
They offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here’s some text from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).

How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia .

At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

As if all that isn’t enough to whet your appetite, here a few testimonials:

“I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!”---- Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 - PASSENGERS 32!

Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA.

"I haven’t had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don’t worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam" --"chopper'
Dan ----Toledo USA.

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.--- Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA

Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem. These folks deserve a medal!

Happy Hunting

 

[bisolom]

New Cruise Offering

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing).

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95.

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95.

Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95.

Happy Hunting

I knew it! They're ripping you off on the ammo!

 

[smoothdevil]

Happy IVGLDSW Day (International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day)

To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate. (Unknown)



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber-


Old age ain't no place for sissies . -Bette Davis-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen -



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

 

[bisolom]

Learning about sex

A young bride-to-be goes to the doctor.

She tells the doctor she is going on her honeymoon soon and knows nothing about sex. She asks hin to explain the names of the male organ parts so she can at least speak about sex without sounding stupid. The doctor agrees.
"What is that long thing between his legs called?" she asks.
"That's called the penis, cock, dick, or prick." he answered.
"And that part at the top kinda shaped like a fireman's helmet?
"That's called the head."
"And those two round things about 14" behind the head?"
"I don't about your future husband, but on me they'd be called the cheeks of my ass."

Peace

 

[smoothdevil]

Priceless Observations Department:




Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

 

[VelvetDarkness]

This is (allegedly) the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Sir_Andrew]

Northern Girls and Southern Girls

So whats the difference between Northern girl and a Southern girl......

A Northern girl says "you can"


a Southern girl says "ya'll can"

 

[Sir_Andrew]

Nudist Colony

So how can you tell a real he-man at a nudist colony.....

he can carry two cups of coffee (one in each hand) and a dozen dougnuts all at the same time! [)-~

 

[Sir_Andrew]

World's Greatest Lover

Guy gestures with his finger to this very pretty lady across the bar to come over.....curiosity gets the best of her and she walk over to him......


He says see.....I just proved to you I'm the world's greatest lover.....(she looks at him like huh)....he says see..... I just made you cum with just one finger!

 

[jtf71961]

A guy walks into a bar, sees the bartender and tells the bartender, "Give me two shots of your best whiskey!" The bartender tells him, "Whao, you must be celebrating something!" The guys says, "Yes, I am celebrating my first blow job". The bartender says"Well, congratulations these are on me". The guy says, "Yes, if these dont get rid of the taste, nothing will!"

 

[CWatson]

How to make people laugh?

I just found a site called AwkwardBoners.com.

It is even more fun than it sounds.

 

[smoothdevil]

Smart Negotiator


Four men were playing golf...........One remarked how nice it would be to wake up every Saturday morning, roll out of bed, and without a nasty argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies chimed in and said, 'Yeah, let's make it a priority to take this up with our wives and figure out a way to meet here every Saturday morning.'

The next Saturday morning arrives, and they're all together on the golf course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring so big that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home planning a cruise. She was up to her eyes in brochures when I left.'

Number 3 guy says, 'Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car and reading the manual.'

They turned to the fourth guy in the group who was staring at them like they'd lost their minds.

'I can't believe you all went to such expense!
I presented it to my wife, then slapped her on the ass and said, 'Well babe, it's either Saturday mornings of sex or golf.' 'Whatta ya think?'

She sneered and said.....'Don't forget to take a sweater, it might get cold.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Early Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed,
"Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

[smoothdevil]

GYNECOLOGIST



GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her =gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late....delete now!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~=~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~=~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the CHANGE !!!!!!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Political Correctness



Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.



Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:


"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end".

 

[Saucyminx]

sure it's been here before, but up for a 2nd giggle

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


And then the fight started.....

 

[Weird Harold]

Stolen from another joke thread:

I slept with a female clown. She tied my penis into a poodle.

 

[smoothdevil]

Food For Thought


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.



KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.



I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.



Dyslexics Have More Nuf.



In Memorium


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.



Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)



Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?



When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol



I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



I am having an out-of-money experience.





Corduroy pillows are making headlines!



I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

[smoothdevil]

More food for thought


WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.



I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it..



FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.



Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.



Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.





Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

....

 

[smoothdevil]

A Sense of Freshness...


A new supermarket opened in Shelton, CA

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the
tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies...

I don't buy toilet paper there any
more.

 

[smoothdevil]

Fixing the Economy


Dear Politician and Genius Finanacial Assholes


Please find below my suggestion for fixing the economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander the money on lavish parties, corporate jets and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.


Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.


2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.


4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.


5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Now don't try to tinker with this plan, else it will disolve into one more genius screw up.

 

[Saucyminx]

A duck is staying at a hotel and is in for a long evening. He gets on the phone and arranges for the services of a lady of the evening. When she arrives, he realizes he is out of condoms, so he calls down to the front desk and asks for one to be sent up. The desk clerk asks, "Sir, would you like that put on your bill?"
The duck answers "No, you dolt, I would suffocate!"