How to spot a Domme/Dom

[Krinaia]

Or a coded knock....does anyone recognize 'tap tap tap TAP tap tap tap TAP'? Thats a new one out there. Or a code phrase...anyone recognize, "we met on the square, and we part on the level"?

Just a couple of viral recognition codes, one old and one new, that are currently active out there.

oooooohh... a code phrase. i like it. that's better than a hand gesture.

and mrwupy, i think you miss my point - a whip or handcuff emblem would be all wrong! the point is to allow us to fly under the radar but be recognizable to those in the know. secretive so that those of us, like myself, who don't or can't be out because of their jobs can still say who we are to each other.

 

[mrwupy]

OK, lets make this simple.

If you're a sub get a tattoo of a handcuff on your wrist. (a small tattoo, not something that goes around the whole damn wrist or I'll have to slap you. Wait, wait, that statement was counter productive.) The tat should be no more than quarter to half an inch.

If you're Dom, get a whip tat of roughly the same size.

If you switch get a tat of the whip passing thru the cuff.

This does not have to be complicated......

 

[Krinaia]

OK, lets make this simple.

If you're a sub get a tattoo of a handcuff on your wrist. (a small tattoo, not something that goes around the whole damn wrist or I'll have to slap you. Wait, wait, that statement was counter productive.) The tat should be no more than quarter to half an inch.

If you're Dom, get a whip tat of roughly the same size.

If you switch get a tat of the whip passing thru the cuff.

This does not have to be complicated......

but once again these are easily identifiable bdsm like images. it declares to EVERYONE you're kinky instead of to just insiders who know specifically know what to look for. anyone who sees a handcuff tattooed to my wrist is going to know, this girl is KINKY! AT the very least, they'll jump to conclusions that I had my wild days... which could be counterproductive to being able to demand respect without hesitation. whereas if the symbol or gesture could pass for the every day in the vanilla world, I wouldn't have to out myself to every person i met.

And not everyone can have a tattoo on such a public area of their body that would be difficult to cover. I'm not wearing long sleeves in the southern summer so that i can shake the hands of consultants, politicians and contractors that i meet through my career. I know there are plenty of people who are in a similiar condition to mine - and that's why a tattoo in a highly visible place can't work.

I should further state that I think a tattoo as a declaration of orientation doesn't give the person the right to decide who and when they tell someone. it gives the other person control. maybe someone wants to know if you're kinky but they have a big mouth and you don't care to share it with them. but if it's clearly stated in your visible body art - it's hard to deny and suddenly you become the object of rumor and innuendo.

 

[Esclava]

Most people that know me in real life would have not a fucking clue that i'm a sub. i am that ball-breakin' woman that someone else described above. Part of that is protective...it keeps people from getting too close, and has served me well for the most part. Part of it is also just how i am, and why it takes a "special sort" of Dom for me...to cut through the "tough girl." And alas, why the two failed D/s relationships i have had broke my heart in a way i never thought possible.

While I'm not considered a "ball-breaker", people don't mess with me. I can bark orders with the best of them, so at work - when I tell people, "Clean after yourself because your mother doesn't work here", they know I mean business. However, they seek my thoughts on many levels for issues and problem resolutions (both work and personal).

And that's not just at work! At church, with my friends, with friends of friends - I'm considered a pillar of strength and relied on by many. And just like you, HM, part of it is self-protective and has served me well. Unfortunately, that strength makes me appear to others as unapproachable.

So, I DO understand what you mean about it taking a special sort of Dom/me and how separation from such can break your heart. I still know it will take a special Dom/me to access and enjoy the submissive in me. I also know one can't force the type of relationship I'm looking for - so, at my age, I hope I have enough years left to not only find but enjoy that special Dom/me.

Esclava

 

[Esclava]

OK, lets make this simple.

If you're a sub get a tattoo of a handcuff on your wrist. (a small tattoo, not something that goes around the whole damn wrist or I'll have to slap you. Wait, wait, that statement was counter productive.) The tat should be no more than quarter to half an inch.

If you're Dom, get a whip tat of roughly the same size.

If you switch get a tat of the whip passing thru the cuff.

This does not have to be complicated......

What ever happened to, "Ask Questions - and keep asking them until all the answers come back the same"?

IMO (humble or not, depending on who you ask), the best way to find out if someone is kinky is to TALK to them. Whether online, via a meeting place site or public place munch - You cannot get to know someone without conversing with them. Starbucks is still a great place to meet someone from a kinky site in a public place where quiet conversation is like a picture on the wall. Unless the "picture" is calling great attention to itself, most people don't pay it much attention.

My very public position also does not allow a symbol on my body or as jewelry to "easily" identify me to others. So, as difficult as it is, putting oneself out there and actually communicating is - I believe, the most reliable way of finding others of like kink.

Esclava

 

[Ebonyfire]

What ever happened to, "Ask Questions - and keep asking them until all the answers come back the same"?

IMO (humble or not, depending on who you ask), the best way to find out if someone is kinky is to TALK to them. Whether online, via a meeting place site or public place munch - You cannot get to know someone without conversing with them. Starbucks is still a great place to meet someone from a kinky site in a public place where quiet conversation is like a picture on the wall. Unless the "picture" is calling great attention to itself, most people don't pay it much attention.

My very public position also does not allow a symbol on my body or as jewelry to "easily" identify me to others. So, as difficult as it is, putting oneself out there and actually communicating is - I believe, the most reliable way of finding others of like kink.

Esclava

I totally love how this post is phrased.

 

[Krinaia]

I love coffee shops too for first dates or meetings. But I prefer to go to local shops with a funkier edge rather than big chains... though I have to admit, a walking tour and a mocha at a cafe/bookstore is a good one too. And lots of readily available mundane discussion topics right there at hand if you need to warm yourself up to more provocative discussions.

And I've been dating neither in nor out of the bdsm world for the past year. I go on dates with people who interest me outside of the sexual arena with the hopes we can mesh our sensualities and please each other. I find that the kind of people I'm attracted to are usually easy to talk into a little kinky experimentation. If you make sure they enjoy their selves, they're going to want to pursue it. Maybe you don't always get the most experienced doms or subs this way, but you do get to date people you can genuinely like for more than just their sexual orientation.

I'm dating someone right now - he found me on a kink oriented site and the kink isn't an exact match but we're both open to enjoying what the gets the other off. And better yet, we've been taking it slow and gently which is such a relief after the way some kinksters I've been on dates want to rush into the sex part. And I've been relieved to find out that he laughs at silly pictures of cats, watches the same dumb videos online that i do, likes science fiction and is one of the most handsome men i've ever met. sigh. not to mention a multitude of other things about him that make me want to know more.

 

[Krinaia]

oh and another quick note, pool halls are another great place for a first date.

you have something to keep your hands busy. you can have a little friendly competition. you can have a beer or a coke or a glass of water and it's usually pretty noisy and the flirting possibilities are ENDLESS. i love pool hall dates.

I once had a guy tell me I was the worst game of pool he'd ever had but the most fun game of pool he'd ever had.

... just be careful, if you go this route... to keep your eye on that drink of yours and never be afraid to ask for a new glass if you forget.

 

[Nathon_88]

Idle thoughts.

(Forgive a little ignorance, I'm worn out from dealing with people all day...but accidentally stalked someone into this and decided to mention something. Hope it helps.)

In regards to subtle identification, both Krinaia and Esclava have made some very good points.

Simple methods are the best. There are certain groups who have identifications that simply don't make SENSE to anyone else. Only a fellow hasher is going to know what the fuck I'm talking about if I quietly ask "On true?" when walking, running, drinking, or whatever.

Alas, there are very few ways in which you CAN do things subtly these days. People with collars....eh....Not completely a BDSM thing anymore, since fashion has embraced it.

"Society" seems to be a good keyword. If someone doesn't know about things, it's sort of easy to note. However, visual cues? Much more difficult. I usually have a keychain on me. It's shaped like a foot, and has a beer bottle opener in it. Ergo, I'm a hasher.

For something more akin to this group? As is noted, you don't WANT to be obvious.

Whips? No. Chains? No. Handcuffs are right out. A clothespin appeals to me on a certain level, but a silvered clothespin would be......perhaps too identifying.

Perhaps something as simple as a coloured piece of silk, or a mark. An arrow with 3 lines crossing it means beer is that way to a hasher, but other people ignore it.

However, BDSM people are in a difficult position, since outsiders THINK they know about them. Hell, I realize I don't know all about this. Thus, I find myself running through various bits of knowledge I've picked up along the way.

It really depends on how overt you plan on being.

Hope my rambling helped, or at least didn't hurt.

 

[Esclava]

I totally love how this post is phrased.

Why, tyvm, Eb! I rarely practice self-exposure out here anymore and it's refreshing to feel someone understood what I was saying.

I've been away from this venue for a while but I'm still open to meeting someone to enjoy this part of my life with - and talking to them is the only way it happens. Be well!

Esclava

 

[Esclava]

I love coffee shops too for first dates or meetings. But I prefer to go to local shops with a funkier edge rather than big chains... though I have to admit, a walking tour and a mocha at a cafe/bookstore is a good one too. And lots of readily available mundane discussion topics right there at hand if you need to warm yourself up to more provocative discussions.

And I've been dating neither in nor out of the bdsm world for the past year. I go on dates with people who interest me outside of the sexual arena with the hopes we can mesh our sensualities and please each other. I find that the kind of people I'm attracted to are usually easy to talk into a little kinky experimentation. If you make sure they enjoy their selves, they're going to want to pursue it. Maybe you don't always get the most experienced doms or subs this way, but you do get to date people you can genuinely like for more than just their sexual orientation.

I'm dating someone right now - he found me on a kink oriented site and the kink isn't an exact match but we're both open to enjoying what the gets the other off. And better yet, we've been taking it slow and gently which is such a relief after the way some kinksters I've been on dates want to rush into the sex part. And I've been relieved to find out that he laughs at silly pictures of cats, watches the same dumb videos online that i do, likes science fiction and is one of the most handsome men i've ever met. sigh. not to mention a multitude of other things about him that make me want to know more.

I can understand a preference for smaller and local. I just know that if the person I'm meeting can survive a first conversation at the big chain, then chances are the next time will be in a smaller local house or other venue where we have found common ground (pool hall, restaurant, bowling center, etc.). I understand being a bad pool game but a fun date - I don't shoot pool very well either. On the other hand, unless my date is an above average bowler, the bowling center probably won't be a date place - unless we get to where we know each other - as I am an above average bowler. And it's in that first conversation that I'll know if we have more in common than just lust.

I'm glad you have made a dating connection. It gives me hope that there's still someone out there for me. TC,

Esclava

 

[Homburg]

Apparently, I broadcast. "w" said that she knew within minutes of meeting me. A couple of years back, I went to a goth club to a couple of friends, and had two different people offer to serve me. *boggle* I'm dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, and not doing a bloody thing but playing pool.

 

[Ishmael]

I have to tell you that for years everyone who worked for me in the restaurant business was sure, I mean sure that I was a Domme...they even had a pool going about it.
Yet in truth I am just a demanding bitch-well was, so much nicer now that I am Buddhist and out of that field of work-but in the bedroom I am a sweet and compliant sub, except when I am being terrible to tempt my hubby to spank me.

Our good friends all thought because of a spanking comment my hubby made at dinner that I spanked him-back to our baseline personality assumption. My hubby is quiet, soft-spoken, slightly passive-aggressive and a wicked rough Dom when he choses. But the rumor still went round that I was the spanker-go figure????

My advice is not to assume, if we worked together you might have thought I was a Domme and you'd have been soooooo disappointed when we both sat staring at the strap-on wondering who'd go first!

I have to *chuckle* (not in a bad way) at your entire post. But especially the emboldened part. The question is, "Does he deny you the spanking you so clearly crave just because you are purposely behaving in a manner the signals you want to be spanked?

Ishmael

 

[wouldloveto]

and make it less comfortable for a male sub to come out to us.

Well, you said that right!

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

It's never easy to spot a dom/me. As a matter of fact it's never easy, in general, to spot people who are into this lifestyle. Hell, they won't all be out there whereing leather and handcuffs all the time. Most are just regular people who happen to be a little extra kinky. You just have to go around a bit and get to know people. Some will just give it off, others you'll have to ask further.
My roommate, who is also a member of this site, told me after geeting to know me better that I really looked like the dominant type (needless to say she was correct).

 

[EmpressFi]

hehe.. sorry.. just made me think that the last two Dom's I've met I was WAY off. First, was Master. I had no idea he was a Dom. We'd known each other for years and I never had a clue. And the second is my co-worker. Hell, I thought he was an uptight prude, thought I'd offended him with a few of the things I'd said to another co-worker. Then one day, I'm reading his LiveJournal ~ he makes public posts about work stuff and saw a comment he made about his wife who is also his slave. I was even more shocked about him than I was Master. I made a comment on his post and he IM'd me when I got home to ask if I was in the Lifestyle too..

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

THEBLACKDAHLIA

I think doms/subs are easy to spot. I mean, you cant tell if theyre in the lifestyle, but I sure know a dom/sub when we meet. And how I know is how I feel and the reactions I get. To me, at least, people let you know who they are. All it requires is self-awareness and a selective-sensitivity.

If you want to discover who you are take a stroll through a bad neighborhood about midnight. The monsters and demons will clue you in. They know who you are. While youre walking pay attention to how you really feel.

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

If you want to discover who you are take a stroll through a bad neighborhood about midnight. The monsters and demons will clue you in. They know who you are. While youre walking pay attention to how you really feel.

This has to be the scariest piece of advice I've ever been given.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

BLACKDAHLIA

Oh! I've done it many times. And worse.

The trick, I think, is surviving a life-death struggle in a crucible. Once you cross the line and are willing to kill, the monsters leave you alone. They want a victim not a fight. Theyre predatory.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm just going to sit here and quietly chuckle at Mr. Johnson's posts...

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm just going to sit here and quietly chuckle at Mr. Johnson's posts...

good.... because the management forgot to replace the "Dont Feed the Trolls" sign that fell down during the last big storm and we wouldn't want any newbies to get off on the wrong foot ...

 

[CutieMouse]

good.... because the management forgot to replace the "Dont Feed the Trolls" sign that fell down during the last big storm and we wouldn't want any newbies to get off on the wrong foot ...

*snort*

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ah! My friend ClosetDom is here.

Whazzup woman?

 

[CutieMouse]

Ah! My friend ClosetDom is here.

Whazzup woman?

For those who don't know, Mr. Johnson is of the opinion that I'm a Domme... a view I find to be highly amusing.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

CLOSETDOM

Your job as a tv wrestler is what tipped me off.