How would you feel if your partner confessed that they had raped someone?

[stickygirl]

yap yap yap

you so f-u-u-n-n-y

http://24.media.tumblr.com/1db4c1ebfcd27eb52311e34afb7b7de1/tumblr_ms1nye621z1sfj7o1o1_250.gif

So to get back to the OP: I'd feel like calling a cab home asap

 

[Stella_Omega]

No problem. I have yet to see a transgender being able to hold a serious debate about anything. Actually, I think they couldn't even debate about something not serious like "Bottled water or regular water?"

A typical butthurt version of "Boo hoo no one respects me."

 

[KoPilot]

"Crap, they're onto me... now how to go about being even more of a troll?"

 

[BrightlyGo]

y'know, too far off topic, never mind

 

[Stella_Omega]

regarding the OP premise...

I'm curious how many of those who have posted here ever bothered to get background checks on current or prospective partners?

I realize it's a different question.

Sure,in the sense that I've heard gossip about someone that's influenced my decision to stay away from them-- or to make a beeline for them, for that matter.

 

[Stella_Omega]

~musing~
I'm sure an official background check could tell me if someone has been in trouble with the law, and certainly will tell me how deeply they are in debt, but it probably won't tell me how they behave with their near and dear.

I mean-- not unless they have killed someone and not gotten away with it.

I consider discussions like these something of a background check. the currency of human conviviality (vive, to live, con, with), is often a pretty decent bellwether. We can be more sensitive than we know. I remember when the Exxon Valdiz bit a big piee out of theAlaskan coastline. The inhabitants demanded as much state of the art metering equipment as they could get their hands on, but in the end the human nose turned out to be one of the most sensitive meters of all in detecting oil contamination of the smallest concentrations.

 

[Felonious1]

Me-me-me......look at me! I'm right-you're wrong!

Ok, that's easily than engaging in pointless, off-topic, circular debates with a self-absorbed slant to it.

~ peace out ~

 

[stickygirl]

We have a Disclosure & Barring Service in the UK which only really checks criminal and financial records for working with vulnerable people. It's only be required if there is an appropriate need and that wouldn't include a prospective partner. I'd go with Stella on this one and follow my nose.

I'd use the same nose to judge my reaction to a partner's confession. If the situation between us meant that he wanted to clear the air; that he was worried the truth might come out later; if the rape was a drunken student mistake … Fuck. You know, against the background of everything that has been discussed here and in writing these words, I cannot envisage a situation where I would want to stay with that person. Maybe my nose would mean I'll never find myself in a relationship with a character like that, but that's probably naive.

So Lit has made a convert of me and I'm happy to learn from the experiences of people here. I don't really care if the stories are truth or fiction - they've put questions in my mind that might not have occurred to me otherwise.

 

[Dyslexicea]

When not reporting rape seems like a sensible option.

Read the whole post, follow all the links, when you're done tell me again there is not a rape culture and that this culture does not include police.

From this article.
"Not reporting a rape seems to be the best possible option in a culture which allows rape, sometimes encouraging it. Not reporting a rape seems to be the best possible option in a broken justice system where barely any survivors see justice served. Not reporting a rape seems like the best possible option where the survivor can be sent to prison while the rapists walk free."

"The risk to survivors is considerably lower in Muscio’s admirable proposition. Here, they do not risk further invasion with no justice served. They do not risk imprisonment for daring to report a rape to a morally bankrupt police force. They do not become passive pawns in a game of patriarchal power. It is justice for survivors, by survivors."

No police rape culture? Tell that to the Norfolk and Baltimore police departments!!!

And another, Teen Girl Forced to Give Cop Oral Sex

regarding the OP premise...

I'm curious how many of those who have posted here ever bothered to get background checks on current or prospective partners?

I realize it's a different question.

No Stag, I never have. Maybe it's not wise but I tend to trust those who I happen to let into my life. I'm not willing to live my life being afraid everyone I care about needs a background check.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Please lead the way! But we're not talking about begging or being begged for support. We're talking about education and voluntary acceptance of education. I'm the one BEGGING YOU for support.

I just hate it when I feel guilty, not giving you the help you've asked for makes me feel guilty. So today I've decided to be the good dyke, instead of the venomous radical feminist dyke you've all come to love. By the way do not call me a dyke, it's called a double standard, I can, you can't, some can of course. Confused?

For today lesson brought to you by 'Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog'

FAQ: Isn’t "the Patriarchy" just some conspiracy theory that blames all men, even decent men, for women’s woes?

To complete today's lesson read the post, including all of the linked material.

As far as I can see you fit into the decent men category.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Read the whole post, follow all the links, when you're done tell me again there is not a rape culture and that this culture does not include police.

i think we have a culture that revels in violence, a culture of injustice, and a culture that is fucked up in its collective head when it comes to sex - and, yeah, at the intersection of those, it adds up to a 'rape culture.'

"The risk to survivors is considerably lower in Muscio’s admirable proposition. Here, they do not risk further invasion with no justice served. They do not risk imprisonment for daring to report a rape to a morally bankrupt police force. They do not become passive pawns in a game of patriarchal power. It is justice for survivors, by survivors."

Throwing 200 rotten eggs at someone is not /strictly/ non-violent, but its a lot less violent than most forms of vigilantism.

A problem with vigilante justice is that it runs a high risk of punishing the innocent. For this purpose, though, such false positives simply don't matter. The idea is to create a cloud of shame around the perpetration of rape. It doesn't matter if the men shamed are guilty or not, the message is sent.

 

[stickygirl]

When not reporting rape seems like a sensible option.

Read the whole post, follow all the links, when you're done tell me again there is not a rape culture and that this culture does not include police.

How do I know reading this link is gonna be like a bad visit to the dentist? I know it's gonna hurt but it's prob for the best.

...from the UK: didn't expect that somehow. Lexie Cannes keeps me posted of the stats for trans* rapes and murders. Happy fucking days

 

[Dyslexicea]

A problem with vigilante justice is that it runs a high risk of punishing the innocent. For this purpose, though, such false positives simply don't matter. The idea is to create a cloud of shame around the perpetration of rape. It doesn't matter if the men shamed are guilty or not, the message is sent.

I think the protest would be just as effective without the egg throwing. Admittedly there may be some innocent men but at most five to 8 percent which isn't many compared to the victims of rape.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I think the protest would be just as effective without the egg throwing. Admittedly there may be some innocent men but at most five to 8 percent which isn't many compared to the victims of rape.

There's no estimating the % of innocent men that would be shamed, but, pragmatically, it doesn't matter: the tactic would still eventually create a reluctance in men to commit rape, both for fear of being punished, and because they've come to see rapists as deserving of humiliation.

By the same token, by any... how can i put this?... say, 'quantitative morality,' the humiliation of innocent men targeted could not possibly add up to anywhere near the evil done to women that provokes it, nor could it likely add up to the evil averted if the program were carried through to a successful conclusion. It's an 'end justifies the means' argument, but a persuasive one.

A much lesser example of a similar idea has been done with 'johns' - names and pictures of men seeking prostitutes published in local papers - where its been done, it has cut into prostitution. 'Shaming' works. It's a major way in which society has enforced so many awful things for so long. Turning it around sounds like a good idea.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Excellent summary, BrightlyGo

 

[stickygirl]

I'd go along with it if it includes shaming every dirty little reporter and editor in the UK's disgusting tabloid press - they bear a huge amount of responsibility for perpetuating rape culture by publishing lascivious details that get handed around every male-dominated work-place. They sicken me.
Dunno what your papers are like but you have Fox instead huh?

 

[Pachet]

There's no estimating the % of innocent men that would be shamed, but, pragmatically, it doesn't matter: the tactic would still eventually create a reluctance in men to commit rape, both for fear of being punished, and because they've come to see rapists as deserving of humiliation.

By the same token, by any... how can i put this?... say, 'quantitative morality,' the humiliation of innocent men targeted could not possibly add up to anywhere near the evil done to women that provokes it, nor could it likely add up to the evil averted if the program were carried through to a successful conclusion. It's an 'end justifies the means' argument, but a persuasive one.

A much lesser example of a similar idea has been done with 'johns' - names and pictures of men seeking prostitutes published in local papers - where its been done, it has cut into prostitution. 'Shaming' works. It's a major way in which society has enforced so many awful things for so long. Turning it around sounds like a good idea.

easy to say when you're not the innocent man being shamed.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Dunno what your papers are like but you have Fox instead huh?

We have bunches of tabloids. But they're more supermarket checkout fare. Never seen one at a workplace.

easy to say when you're not the innocent man being shamed.

i'd like to think that i'd be less likely than most to be mistaken for a rapist, but you never know. Add 'innocent men fearing wrongful shaming' to one side of the ledger and 'innocent women having less fear of being raped' to the other, and i'm thinking it'd only pull further ahead.

Anyway, i don't think i'd sleep a lot worse living with that added fear - i'm already a pretty fearful insomniac, as it is.

 

[Stella_Omega]

easy to say when you're not the innocent man being shamed.

that brings up a question; when we talk about 'being shamed" what are we talking about here?
Because the world holds many things far more horrible than "you should be ashamed of yourself" or "What did you expect."

 

[stickygirl]

easy to say when you're not the innocent man being shamed.

The idea is to change perceptions and make men understand what rape really is. There are far too many bar room jokes about rape, too many men and women, saying 'she was dressed like a slut, she shouldn't have got drunk, what did she expect' - from post rape comments to playground ones, where a girl that loses her virginity is a slag but a guy is a stud. How come the news reports never say 'It wasn't her fault' when is irrefutable? No, the papers will say 'he was a monster BUT she was asking for it'.
All this ^^^ = rape culture

Y'all have seen these but reposting does no harm and pretty much answers the OPs question

http://24.media.tumblr.com/d38a7c1bf8e8f33af87b48e47b449f6f/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co1_1280.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/e040f2b7984ed6f61a4eb23930d7b9b7/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co2_1280.jpg
http://31.media.tumblr.com/ccd1b20926d3032fbcd4bdf1addd3c90/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co3_1280.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/4c2fa97a6ef08f22acc7e30f9adc6494/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co5_1280.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/1c706f7c3492204ff743c8435b210270/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co6_1280.jpg
http://31.media.tumblr.com/989a7cee76aaab6a0b5031c9963bd386/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co7_500.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/128eea0d10fdb231af114c5a1899bd54/tumblr_mkqfneh26v1qhf10co9_1280.jpg

 

[Primalex]

Y'all have seen these but reposting does no harm and pretty much answers the OPs question

As far as I can tell, the consensus is that rape fantasies are fine.

Is there a difference whether I know the person in my fantasy or picture a stranger?

And finally, if I masturbate to one of those pictures, is this still fine?

 

[Stella_Omega]

As far as I can tell, the consensus is that rape fantasies are fine.

Is there a difference whether I know the person in my fantasy or picture a stranger?

And finally, if I masturbate to one of those pictures, is this still fine?

Go ahead and masturbate all you want.

If you are one of the people any of those women are talking about in those pictures, it is not fine.

 

[HoHoBomb]

interesting thoughts in this thread

 

[stickygirl]

Go ahead and masturbate all you want.

If you are one of the people any of those women are talking about in those pictures, it is not fine.

^^^ He's just so hot isn't he?? Fucks still not given

 

[Salenku]

Regardless of age, level of drunkeness, 'no', 'stop', or 'I don't want this' ALWAYS means no (unless you're playing that way, but then you have a safe word, surely). If you're not sure, ask. If a person can say yes, they can say no.

I'm afraid there is no grey area for me. I've had my drink spiked, but was fortunately rescued and taken home by a friend. I would never have been in a position to say no (or at least remember it), but surely the inability to protest isn't a 'yes'?

As to age, I had sex below the age of consent with people more than twice my age. I looked older, and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was not raped then. But I was not able to say no when I was a child. But then again, neither was I in a position to ask for sex.

So to me it's simple. If you think they want it but are unsure, just ask. Consent is an affirmative reaction. Sometimes fear freezes people.