I want too, but I know better

[intothewoods]

I agree 100%, but I'd also say that focusing on the venue is distracting and ultimately beside the point.

What's described in the opening post obviously isn't D/s -- even the OP made that point! But it was some sort of salacious encounter, no? Just because it sounds dull as hell to me, doesn't mean someone else can't get off on it. People get off on stuff I find boring or turnoffs all the time.

I don't understand why so few people here seem able to identify with the essence of the situation described by the OP. I can't possibly be the only person on this board who has sexually interacted with people I don't know very well, or even complete strangers. The key issue here, as I see it, is: What do you do the morning after foolin' around outside the context of an established relationship?

One option is to resolve never to interact with that person again. Valid, to be sure, though the drawback is loss of any potential for future encounters. (The critical word here being potential.)

Another option is to contact the other person and express interest in getting to know one another better and getting together again. Online or off, I don't see what's wrong with this option - though as I commented earlier, from my perspective there are ways to do this that would be more productive than others.

Well, actually, this has been a problem for me in this conversation. What happened is what you described: a casual encounter.

But everyone is focused here on dominance and submission, and furthermore, D/s in the context of an ongoing relationship. I don't see how to give advice on this, when I don't know the depth of their relationship, and if this guy is for real.

 

[FurryFury]

Knowledge yes, practical skill, no.

Experience is really everything, I could read a 747 manual for a year and I will still do worse flying then a guy whose had flight training for a few days.

But knowledge sure helps gain practical skill faster.

IMO, it does take much skill to know your own submissive nature, to follow it, though it's not always easy to do so and to take what comes from it with grace.

 

[FurryFury]

Not sure I agree that online is all fantasy...for instance if it were, I would have been a fool to have committed to someone I met online before meeting. Also, the one who guided me to the point of searching for someone (and guided me through that process as well) was more than a fantasy and was available to me at all times, through family tragedies, and to listen when I needed a sounding board for everyday personal dilemmas and decisions...a fantasy figure does not commit to that depth or make themselves available for it.

Committing to someone I had never met was not something I would usually do (nor he for that matter), but it was the right thing to do at the right time. There was no online play involved but lots of open discussion, sharing of ideas and goals, learning about each other as people as well as our lives to that point. With in the flesh contact from the beginning, a lot of those important factors often get pushed aside for the physical. The reasons I did it the way I did was firstly it was the most convenient for me at that time, and secondly, I wanted to get to know the person without the interference of physical desire and influences getting in the way.

And yes, reading (of which I did very little) and talking online can only provide one aspect, but then so can playing without knowing if it is the person you actually want to be involved with long term or permanently. Reading just this forum alone will provide enough material as evidence of the broken hearts, broken repeatedly as each relationship ends, and the often times jaded emotions that result as a consequence. I figured I had had my share of failed relationships and was going to use my head in future to prevent more fallout from a succession or relationships in D/s. I played with a couple of trusted friends on a couple of occasions to see if my desire for pain were more than a dreamed up desire I couldn't handle in reality, but apart from that I was very much into preserving the deeper stuff for when I found the right person. It isn't for everyone, but it worked for me and believe me, there were plenty of times I could have gladly given in and gone out and experienced flesh to flesh what I was longing for, but I honestly believe if I had, I would still be out there looking and being disappointed. I sort of looked at it as an exercise in self control in preparation for placing myself in the control of another if that makes sense.., not giving into my first instinct/desire, but holding out for it all in one package.

Catalina

I've been pleased to see your wonderful posts on this subject!



I see far too many who have the knee jerk reaction of superiority, often over something they have not experienced themselves.

Of course all this is a bit of an aside to the OP's original question.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've been pleased to see your wonderful posts on this subject!



I see far too many who have the knee jerk reaction of superiority, often over something they have not experienced themselves.

Of course all this is a bit of an aside to the OP's original question.

You trying to make me blush Ms. Fury?!!

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

You trying to make me blush Ms. Fury?!!

Catalina

I wasn't trying to but I must say it's very fetching on you Miss Catalina!

 

[madetotakeit]

... No risk, no fun. You can read books and forums all day, this doesn't give you any experience. It will merely give you information, which is most often useless without experience. If you've never loved, you can't understand Romeo and Juliet.. and if you never bottomed/topped, you will never understand what other people will write about BDSM.

I never thought I would have this thought. Primalex, I agree with you. Information and how you process it is one thing. How you bring that information to the table is another entirely. Seeing is believing. Without proof there is only supposition.

 

[Adakgirl]

Yes, I did come off like I had r/t experience in one post, one post where my on-line reality broke into fantasy description of how I worship cock. Yes, I did make it appear as though I had worshiped my X-Masters cock in real life. I have actually worshiped cock like that in r/l, and I have expierienced all that, but it was a long time ago in a relationship that at the time I did not recognize was an M/s one. I lied by making it appear I had that with my X-Master. It was a topic I could relate to and I wanted to fit in.
It sounded so good once I wrote it out I left it...I just couldn't bear to change it. Everything else I wrote before that was real and what I said about the feelings of sexual power I had over my X-on-line Master was all true and from the heart. I apologize to all the people in this forum for my deception in that one post. I do get carried away.

Also, I sound somewhat informed about this lifestyle because I have formed my own thoughts and opinions on many aspects of it. I did this by simply taking the time and effort to read forums such as this one, and sit in the BDSM discussion rooms for months, delving deep, asking endless questions and gathering hundreds of opinions on a wide variety of BDSM lifestyle topics. All this from listening to people who have lived in this lifestyle many years. I also learned to recognize quickly those who knew and had great understanding and great passion about what they were saying and those who did not. I have researched the net, I have read and read and read. That is why I "come-off" as knowing what I am talking about, because in many ways, I do. I agree with the posters who say that the only way to know it is to do it, my knowledge comes from those who do do it. Just because I have not yet done it myself in r/l does not make what I have gained from that knowledge any less valid. I feel I have the right to share it here on this forum to help others understand the same things I did not understand.
Ok that part is explained now I hope.

As for my dilemma. I have to say first though, I think a great majority of the people who participate in this forum have amazing insight. They hold a deep respect and love for this lifestyle in it's many varied forms. I thank you for all your advice and replies and I thank you for caring enough to give them to me.

I did give him the note and asked him to please read it before I went into his room last night. He understood it, was accepting of it and he appreciated my being honest about how I felt. He told me he understood he had much to learn and hoped we could both learn and work through it together. I think he regretted not so much that he had me entertain him and the room, (I could certainly have said no and left) but that he was moving way to fast and being much too shallow. Last night he treated me gently and respectfully in his room.
Yep, I do think he derives great pleasure in showing me off to strangers and friends. As do I for a matter fact. No, we did not type in fantasy scenarios like *takes off shirt and dances around* I hate that crap. He asked me to show and gave me directions PMing me and by speaking on mic. I carried them out on r/l real time cam. I did type in the room that he was my Master and I adored him when he directed me too.
He think reveled in his role-play Mastery over me and my obedience and submission to him in front of others made him feel like the king of the world.
I told him that if he wanted to role play, fine I would go along with that, but only as long as I felt comfortable doing so. He knows that it was not real. He does want a relationship and he does want to eventually go r/t. He told me he would answer any questions about him and his life tonight and he would commit to spending time building a relationship with me.
I need to read your replies again and I will attempt to answer the questions some of you put to me, I just am out of time right now. Reading your thoughts and advice on this helped me a lot. I do appreciate all of you.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, I did come off like I had r/t experience in one post, one post where my on-line reality broke into fantasy description of how I worship cock. Yes, I did make it appear as though I had worshiped my X-Masters cock in real life. I have actually worshiped cock like that in r/l, and I have expierienced all that, but it was a long time ago in a relationship that at the time I did not recognize was an M/s one. I lied by making it appear I had that with my X-Master. It was a topic I could relate to and I wanted to fit in.
It sounded so good once I wrote it out I left it...I just couldn't bear to change it. Everything else I wrote before that was real and what I said about the feelings of sexual power I had over my X-on-line Master was all true and from the heart. I apologize to all the people in this forum for my deception in that one post. I do get carried away.

Also, I sound somewhat informed about this lifestyle because I have formed my own thoughts and opinions on many aspects of it. I did this by simply taking the time and effort to read forums such as this one, and sit in the BDSM discussion rooms for months, delving deep, asking endless questions and gathering hundreds of opinions on a wide variety of BDSM lifestyle topics. All this from listening to people who have lived in this lifestyle many years. I also learned to recognize quickly those who knew and had great understanding and great passion about what they were saying and those who did not. I have researched the net, I have read and read and read. That is why I "come-off" as knowing what I am talking about, because in many ways, I do. I agree with the posters who say that the only way to know it is to do it, my knowledge comes from those who do do it. Just because I have not yet done it myself in r/l does not make what I have gained from that knowledge any less valid. I feel I have the right to share it here on this forum to help others understand the same things I did not understand.
Ok that part is explained now I hope.

As for my dilemma. I have to say first though, I think a great majority of the people who participate in this forum have amazing insight. They hold a deep respect and love for this lifestyle in it's many varied forms. I thank you for all your advice and replies and I thank you for caring enough to give them to me.

I did give him the note and asked him to please read it before I went into his room last night. He understood it, was accepting of it and he appreciated my being honest about how I felt. He told me he understood he had much to learn and hoped we could both learn and work through it together. I think he regretted not so much that he had me entertain him and the room, (I could certainly have said no and left) but that he was moving way to fast and being much too shallow. Last night he treated me gently and respectfully in his room.
Yep, I do think he derives great pleasure in showing me off to strangers and friends. As do I for a matter fact. No, we did not type in fantasy scenarios like *takes off shirt and dances around* I hate that crap. He asked me to show and gave me directions PMing me and by speaking on mic. I carried them out on r/l real time cam. I did type in the room that he was my Master and I adored him when he directed me too.
He think reveled in his role-play Mastery over me and my obedience and submission to him in front of others made him feel like the king of the world.
I told him that if he wanted to role play, fine I would go along with that, but only as long as I felt comfortable doing so. He knows that it was not real. He does want a relationship and he does want to eventually go r/t. He told me he would answer any questions about him and his life tonight and he would commit to spending time building a relationship with me.
I need to read your replies again and I will attempt to answer the questions some of you put to me, I just am out of time right now. Reading your thoughts and advice on this helped me a lot. I do appreciate all of you.

I'm glad things worked out for you.

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>No. Shut up, do what he tells you. No risk, no fun. You can read books and forums all day, this doesn't give you any experience. It will merely give you information, which is most often useless without experience. If you've never loved, you can't understand Romeo and Juliet.. and if you never bottomed/topped, you will never understand what other people will write about BDSM.

From my personal experience I completely disagree with the above post.

 

[Homburg]

We are likely talking about two different things then.

Possibly. We are also looking at it from opposite of the PYL/pyl fence. I'm a Top. I can read about spanking all day and it will do me very little good when it comes time to lay on hands. As a bottom, perhaps reading about it can. Dunno. The point for me is that Topping is a physical skill as much as a mental one. Reading about it is not even half of the issue.

Personally, I've watched first time tops that got their info second-hand, and I've topped first time bottom who'd done the internet thing all day. This, among other things, is why I draw such a sharp line between online-only and actual hand-on-ass.

Or, to put it another way, go read a description of tiramisu, then go eat some.

 

[BiBunny]

Possibly. We are also looking at it from opposite of the PYL/pyl fence. I'm a Top. I can read about spanking all day and it will do me very little good when it comes time to lay on hands. As a bottom, perhaps reading about it can. Dunno. The point for me is that Topping is a physical skill as much as a mental one. Reading about it is not even half of the issue.

Personally, I've watched first time tops that got their info second-hand, and I've topped first time bottom who'd done the internet thing all day. This, among other things, is why I draw such a sharp line between online-only and actual hand-on-ass.

Or, to put it another way, go read a description of tiramisu, then go eat some.

But, Hommy, you're forgetting something. If you feel strongly enough about the tiramisu, then reading about it makes it real.

I think some of us should do some research on "magical thinking."

 

[FurryFury]

Possibly. We are also looking at it from opposite of the PYL/pyl fence. I'm a Top. I can read about spanking all day and it will do me very little good when it comes time to lay on hands. As a bottom, perhaps reading about it can. Dunno. The point for me is that Topping is a physical skill as much as a mental one. Reading about it is not even half of the issue.

Personally, I've watched first time tops that got their info second-hand, and I've topped first time bottom who'd done the internet thing all day. This, among other things, is why I draw such a sharp line between online-only and actual hand-on-ass.

Or, to put it another way, go read a description of tiramisu, then go eat some.

I understand what you are saying. We are talking about two, or even more, different things.

To me submission is more of a mind space than it is a physical space.

Tiramisu, sounds yummy on paper. LOL. In person I find it somewhat lacking.

 

[FurryFury]

But, Hommy, you're forgetting something. If you feel strongly enough about the tiramisu, then reading about it makes it real.

I think some of us should do some research on "magical thinking."

That's pretty snarky.

 

[BiBunny]

That's pretty snarky.

It was actually quite controlled, given my own opinions on the topic, but I'll refrain from poking the goddamned sacred cow around here any farther.

 

[FurryFury]

This reminds me of kids on a playground using anything they can to feel they are better than that other kids or other group of kids over there. I don't find it a very laudable way to behave.

 

[BiBunny]

This reminds me of kids on a playground using anything they can to feel they are better than that other kids or other group of kids over there. I don't find it a very laudable way to behave.

Perhaps.

I don't feel like I have to make myself look good to anybody here. There's nobody I'm trying to impress. It's just that there's this big, white elephant in the room, and I get tired of everybody ignoring the damned thing all the time.

I don't expect to be popular for that viewpoint.

 

[FurryFury]

I find lack of tolerance a big turn off.

*shrug*

 

[Homburg]

But, Hommy, you're forgetting something. If you feel strongly enough about the tiramisu, then reading about it makes it real.

I think some of us should do some research on "magical thinking."

You are awful, BB. Luckily, I find it quite funny

--------

I understand what you are saying. We are talking about two, or even more, different things.

To me submission is more of a mind space than it is a physical space.

This is why I have used words like top, bottom, and BDSM rather pointedly. It is entirely possible to have a D/s relationship without every being in the physical presence of the other party. It may boggle me, and be fantasy by my book, but if one of you somehow feels dominant, and the other submissive, it is D/s. D/s is taken to imply physical activity, but in a strict sense it is simply about power exchange.

I specifically pointed to BDSM in my initial post. While so many people love the term D/s and use it to encompass everything, I do my level best to use it specifically. You can learn about D/s all day and still have no real grasp on BDSM. Just like you can top or bottom and have no meaningfyul experience of D/s.

The primary issue I have with folks that are strictly online is the attitude that equates pure online play to all other forms of BDSM. Not everyone is guilty of this, but the ones that are never fail to grate on me.

Tiramisu, sounds yummy on paper. LOL. In person I find it somewhat lacking.

...

Now you're just being purposefully difficult

 

[JMohegan]

Yep, I do think he derives great pleasure in showing me off to strangers and friends. As do I for a matter fact. No, we did not type in fantasy scenarios like *takes off shirt and dances around* I hate that crap. He asked me to show and gave me directions PMing me and by speaking on mic. I carried them out on r/l real time cam.

News flash to those blathering on inexplicably about spanking and food. This here is real, actual exhibitionist play and, potentially, humiliation play too.

Both of those types of play fit in the broad world of Top/bottom kink, as I would define it.

There's no relationship yet. No D/s or M/s, that's true. On this, everyone including the OP seems to agree! But why some seem so eager to kick this person out of the legitimate kink club, I honestly just can't fathom.

And as far as exhibitionist play goes, given the potential for copying and global distribution of images by strangers in the room, I'd say this is definitely one of the riskier versions.

 

[Homburg]

News flash to those blathering on inexplicably about spanking and food. This here is real, actual exhibitionist play and, potentially, humiliation play too.

Both of those types of play fit in the broad world of Top/bottom kink, as I would define it.

We'll have to disagree. I would call it D/s play, as referred to in the post above.

 

[BiBunny]

There's no relationship yet. No D/s or M/s, that's true. On this, everyone including the OP seems to agree!

Well, see, this is why I don't understand this thread. There's no relationship. And it's in a chatroom. Why, then, is it even a question?

It's like saying, "I read about food, and I don't even have a kitchen, but I want everyone to call me a chef. Is that wrong?"

Shit, this whole thing is so non-sequitor that I think I'll just stop while I'm ahead.

 

[FurryFury]

You are awful, BB. Luckily, I find it quite funny

--------



This is why I have used words like top, bottom, and BDSM rather pointedly. It is entirely possible to have a D/s relationship without every being in the physical presence of the other party. It may boggle me, and be fantasy by my book, but if one of you somehow feels dominant, and the other submissive, it is D/s. D/s is taken to imply physical activity, but in a strict sense it is simply about power exchange.

I specifically pointed to BDSM in my initial post. While so many people love the term D/s and use it to encompass everything, I do my level best to use it specifically. You can learn about D/s all day and still have no real grasp on BDSM. Just like you can top or bottom and have no meaningfyul experience of D/s.

The primary issue I have with folks that are strictly online is the attitude that equates pure online play to all other forms of BDSM. Not everyone is guilty of this, but the ones that are never fail to grate on me.




...

Now you're just being purposefully difficult

I don't generally find putting others down very funny.

I mostly agree with the rest of your post.

 

[FurryFury]

News flash to those blathering on inexplicably about spanking and food. This here is real, actual exhibitionist play and, potentially, humiliation play too.

Both of those types of play fit in the broad world of Top/bottom kink, as I would define it.

There's no relationship yet. No D/s or M/s, that's true. On this, everyone including the OP seems to agree! But why some seem so eager to kick this person out of the legitimate kink club, I honestly just can't fathom.

And as far as exhibitionist play goes, given the potential for copying and global distribution of images by strangers in the room, I'd say this is definitely one of the riskier versions.

*nods*

That is true it is exhibitionist play, in it's own way.

 

[FurryFury]

Well, see, this is why I don't understand this thread. There's no relationship. And it's in a chatroom. Why, then, is it even a question?

It's like saying, "I read about food, and I don't even have a kitchen, but I want everyone to call me a chef. Is that wrong?"

Shit, this whole thing is so non-sequitor that I think I'll just stop while I'm ahead.

It's a question because the OP had a question to ask.

 

[JMohegan]

We'll have to disagree. I would call it D/s play, as referred to in the post above.

Semantics aside, why disparage it? Why bother to express your "disdain for online-only time and again"?

If she were offering tips on cropping or rope, your disgust would be understandable. But she's not.