Lesbian/Bi/Gay Domme/sub

[James Blandings]

Well, now that we have assembled this wonderful group, perhaps some questions would be in order.
What, if any thing, makes the bdsm practiced between women or between gay men different from what heteros do? Are there some practices or customs that are more or less prevalent? Are there bdsm rituals that are uniquely gay or lesbian in nature?

I think differences between gay male and het BDSM are more along the lines of emphasis and degree than that there is anything really different.
Overt sexual activity is probably more common in the gay scene, although nothing like it was pre-AIDS.
And there are some "manly" types of play you won't see at a het or even most pan parties, such as punching and things like that.

 

[MsWorthy]

Gay Community

Is anyone here active in the lesbian/gay community? Do you go to gay clubs/bars?

In the small town where I live, there is nothing remotely resembling a gay "community," much less a bdsm community. My partner's doctor (we are out as lesbians to our physicians) told her that there is a fairly large l/g community here, but it is deeply underground. Sometimes I think I will burst through my own skin with the frustration of hiding so much of who I am.

Do you find that the lesbian/gay community is more open and/or accepting of the bdsm lifestyle, or at least, more open to kinky sex?

I lived in FL before I moved here and was out (as lesbian) to most of the people I knew. The women I dated were very open to kinky sex, but didn't have a clue about power exchange (something I've known intuitively since I was about 12 and had my first lesbian relationship). Most were heavily into mind games; something I will not tolerate.

 

[CarolineOh]

I think differences between gay male and het BDSM are more along the lines of emphasis and degree than that there is anything really different.
Overt sexual activity is probably more common in the gay scene, although nothing like it was pre-AIDS.
And there are some "manly" types of play you won't see at a het or even most pan parties, such as punching and things like that.

Punching???

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Lesbian/Bi/Gay Dom/me/sub

I thought about making a thread for the alternative-alternative sexual lifestyles (*smiles*), but I didn't want to exclude anyone, so....everyone is welcome to post on any topic dealing with ANY interest/curiosity/desire in same sex bdsm.

Is this too exclusionary?

HUH! Nope not exlcusionary, but it is damned complicated!

Ebony <a simple Domme>

 

[RisiaSkye]

Shadow--I know you weren't asking for details. No worries. And thanks, to you & Never both, for the supportive words. I just had a very bad week with regards to a potential lesbian relationship, and was feeling kinda down about it.

 

[MzChrista]

I am sorry to have to say that I dont want nothing to do with the les bdsm community. I have gone to some meetings and a few parties and I never seen people so nutso over rules and whos who and who belongs and dont belong.
I dont mean to step on no toes but thats how I found them to be. I know lots of great kinky dykes but the ones who are heavy into a separate les deal, no thanks, I can do without.

 

[MzChrista]

Shadow--I know you weren't asking for details. No worries. And thanks, to you & Never both, for the supportive words. I just had a very bad week with regards to a potential lesbian relationship, and was feeling kinda down about it.

I didnt realize you were saying you just had a bad experience. Im sorry, that sucks. You too cool for all that, you ought to get the goods.

 

[DustyWolfe]

Shadow--I know you weren't asking for details. No worries. And thanks, to you & Never both, for the supportive words. I just had a very bad week with regards to a potential lesbian relationship, and was feeling kinda down about it.

*Hugs* I am so sorry Risia

 

[DustyWolfe]

I am sorry to have to say that I dont want nothing to do with the les bdsm community. I have gone to some meetings and a few parties and I never seen people so nutso over rules and whos who and who belongs and dont belong.
I dont mean to step on no toes but thats how I found them to be. I know lots of great kinky dykes but the ones who are heavy into a separate les deal, no thanks, I can do without.

AMEN! I know what you mean. I've been to two meetings of the local lesbian bdsm group. They are so freaking hung up on rules and position that it's not even funny. You know... They have play parties, but you can't play until you have attended an SM 101 seminar and those are only held twice a year.

 

[MzChrista]

Dusty Im glad you got my back on that.
Im sorry, but some people take things way too serious. You go to some of these all "wymmyns" or however they spell it this week deals and you think if you was to laugh you will get the big boot. And boy you better know who thinks they outrank who or you really in the shit.

 

[DustyWolfe]

Dusty Im glad you got my back on that.
Im sorry, but some people take things way too serious. You go to some of these all "wymmyns" or however they spell it this week deals and you think if you was to laugh you will get the big boot. And boy you better know who thinks they outrank who or you really in the shit.

LOL... I know, I hate the womon and womyn thing. It's pointless. Just abosolutely pointless. And it's like.. I don't give a care who is the top bitch around here. I came here to socialize with others in the D/s community. I was hoping that Jen and I could play when she is here because there is a play party but it's pointless. Neither of us have been to SM 101.. STOOOOOPID

 

[James Blandings]

Punching???

I wouldn't say punching is a common form of play in gay BDSM, but it is around, and it's pretty much non-existent in het BDSM.
Usually, it's punching the sub in the stomach or ribs while he is shackled over his head or suspended.

 

[Never]

I prefer wrestling myself.

 

[James Blandings]

I prefer wrestling myself.

I prefer wrestling others.

 

[Never]

James Blandings:
"I prefer wrestling others."


So that's what I've been doing wrong.

 

[CarolineOh]

This is off the main topic of BDSM, but I know that not everyone here reads on the GB, and I thought many of you would like to read this beautiful post, made earlier today by Sunstruck:

For anyone who thinks gay couples can't stick it out:

I was just sitting on the town green going through our mail and I noticed two elderly women sitting across from me holding hands. Not an odd site here, but something about them struck me and I kinda watched them out of the corner of my eye.

Then one of them takes out a present and hands it to the other who looks absolutely elated. So I smiled and said happy birthday. At which point the presumed birthday girl says "Oh it's not my birthday. It's our anniversary. We've been together 60 years today".

I was floored. I don't know many straight couples that have been together that long. But to have made it through 60 years in a relationship that would NOT have been accepted for most of that time is amazing.

They met in the summer of 1942 (yes that's a movie, but totally unrelated lol) in Chatham (another Cape Cod town) where their families summered. They were inseperable that summer, pen pals all year (one is from NY the other Boston) and then again the following summer. They did that for 5 years, writing in the winter and meeting in the summer. Then they moved into one of the summer houses together. 40 years ago they sold that and moved to Provincetown.

Apparently they aren't the longest lifers either. They mentioned a male couple that have been together for 63 years and several others that are in the 40's range.

It was the sweetest story and they are the most adorable women. I'm SO glad I walked to get the mail today. I'm going to be mushy with happiness all friggin week! lol

 

[DustyWolfe]

OMG... That gave me goosebumps.. That will so be Jen and I someday

 

[MzChrista]

C Oh, that totally totally rocks.

 

[CarolineOh]

OMG... That gave me goosebumps.. That will so be Jen and I someday

Dusty, I am absolutely certain that that is true.

 

["angel" eve]

another reason for me to smile

wow! that is fantastic to hear. i alwayz wonder if relationships have lost a concept of foreverness, or if they ever really had one. but this sounds as amazing as anything.

my girl and i have gone through some difficult stuff already, both of us being bi, it can get really difficult to maintain that monogomy when you feel the need for what they can't provide... but we're getting through it. alot of love, alot of forgiveness and the realisation that "all females are psychotic".

the hierarchy and bitch-fests that i'm hearing about in the lesbian BDSM comunity don't sound any different than they were in girl guides though. just with a different focus, but still that female version of dick measuring. constant and all consuming. so much animosity over the ideals that everyone agrees upon... just for personal gain.

i repeat. "all females are psychotic". we just managed to find each other. another psychotic who was tollerable in contrast and compliment to our own psychosis.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Dusty Im glad you got my back on that.
Im sorry, but some people take things way too serious. You go to some of these all "wymmyns" or however they spell it this week deals and you think if you was to laugh you will get the big boot. And boy you better know who thinks they outrank who or you really in the shit.

Amen. I learned this for myself just recently. And, yeah, the separatist kinda vibe was flowing freely. Apparently, there's no room for women like me in that. That's fine, I guess.

Thanks for saying it so well in your original post about this, MzC. The "take themselves too seriously" thing is exactly the kind of community vibe that drove me outta the meeting I went to this week--and it was the munch I went to with my "maybe." She was into it, I think, the "wymmn" spirit. And, I can't do it, so there you go. Finito. Fuckin' bummer, too.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It just goes to show..

This is off the main topic of BDSM, but I know that not everyone here reads on the GB, and I thought many of you would like to read this beautiful post, made earlier today by Sunstruck:

For anyone who thinks gay couples can't stick it out:

I was just sitting on the town green going through our mail and I noticed two elderly women sitting across from me holding hands. Not an odd site here, but something about them struck me and I kinda watched them out of the corner of my eye.

Then one of them takes out a present and hands it to the other who looks absolutely elated. So I smiled and said happy birthday. At which point the presumed birthday girl says "Oh it's not my birthday. It's our anniversary. We've been together 60 years today".

I was floored. I don't know many straight couples that have been together that long. But to have made it through 60 years in a relationship that would NOT have been accepted for most of that time is amazing.

They met in the summer of 1942 (yes that's a movie, but totally unrelated lol) in Chatham (another Cape Cod town) where their families summered. They were inseperable that summer, pen pals all year (one is from NY the other Boston) and then again the following summer. They did that for 5 years, writing in the winter and meeting in the summer. Then they moved into one of the summer houses together. 40 years ago they sold that and moved to Provincetown.

Apparently they aren't the longest lifers either. They mentioned a male couple that have been together for 63 years and several others that are in the 40's range.

It was the sweetest story and they are the most adorable women. I'm SO glad I walked to get the mail today. I'm going to be mushy with happiness all friggin week! lol

true love comes in many flavors!

Eb

 

[DustyWolfe]

Dusty, I am absolutely certain that that is true.

awwwwwww *smiles*

 

[DustyWolfe]

Amen. I learned this for myself just recently. And, yeah, the separatist kinda vibe was flowing freely. Apparently, there's no room for women like me in that. That's fine, I guess.

Thanks for saying it so well in your original post about this, MzC. The "take themselves too seriously" thing is exactly the kind of community vibe that drove me outta the meeting I went to this week--and it was the munch I went to with my "maybe." She was into it, I think, the "wymmn" spirit. And, I can't do it, so there you go. Finito. Fuckin' bummer, too.

You know... I'm a lesbian, and I love being around other lesbians, but it's crap like this that pushes me away from the gay bdsm community. When I went to my first munch I was floored, there was not a single femme there. I found that to be quite strange. Don't get me wrong, most of the women were really friendly but it was the whole.. I dunno exclusive bull shit that turned me off.

Down here we have no public play spaces, so it moves from home to home. I found though, that in the talking of play parties and such that the lesbian community around here is rather extreme. It seemed that the play parties revolved around razor play, scarification, needle play, electrical play, enemas and mummification. None of which I am into.

Has anyone else made this observation?

 

[James Blandings]

You know... I'm a lesbian, and I love being around other lesbians, but it's crap like this that pushes me away from the gay bdsm community. When I went to my first munch I was floored, there was not a single femme there. I found that to be quite strange. Don't get me wrong, most of the women were really friendly but it was the whole.. I dunno exclusive bull shit that turned me off.

Down here we have no public play spaces, so it moves from home to home. I found though, that in the talking of play parties and such that the lesbian community around here is rather extreme. It seemed that the play parties revolved around razor play, scarification, needle play, electrical play, enemas and mummification. None of which I am into.

Has anyone else made this observation?

I hope I'm not out of line with my observations. I am not a lesbian, but I know plenty of them in the BDSM scene, and there does seem to be a tendency towards some of the more extreme activities among them. One reason this may be is that as a group they struggle to forge a unique identity and so gravitate toward the less practiced aspects of BDSM.
I have also noticed that there seems to be much more interest in higher protocol among my lesbian acquaintances.
I think there is a fundamental difference in the way the lesbian and gay male scenes deal with the matter of inclusiveness and I wonder if part of it isnt because there is more acceptance with BDSM of female bisexuality than of male, and therefore the issue of sincerity comes up.
With men it's much easier. Just suck a dick and you are in the group.