Married Woman Who Like To...

[bodine91]

This is one of the more thoughtful threads I've seen in a long time. One observation I'd like to put forward. Sometimes an on line relationship is enough to get some of us through those times when we teeter close to the breaking point. Men and women alike keep those vows but just need a little help once in awhile

 

[agedmac]

cheating fantasy

As a late comer to this corner of Lit, I've been reading mostly.

And I'm interested in the 'cheating fantasy' as fantasy only. In fact, it is such fantasies that fuel most of my writing about mature women. On the other hand, I've never considered 'acting' on it....the fantasy seems enough. I do worry that it remain 'enough', you know?

I have a friend who is a swinger with his wife. To be honest, I don't find anything about their life interesting.....it's almost too casual; kinda who are you going to do next, kind of thing. OK, maybe I find their life titillating, but it doesn't appeal.

So, what's the line between fantasy and reality? Is it that you don't cross the line because you know you'll wreck the marriage? Another person I know (a woman, in this case) is close, very close to bedding a guy whom she has an online relationship; is she already 'over' it?

 

[JonnyD1]

'deleted'

 

[agedmac]

Okay, here's a sterotype for you Mac... one intended not to offend, but only to stimulate conversation. Men have affairs for the thrill of the chase and are not all that emotional about it. It is more difficult for women to have affairs because they have to be emotionally involved before they commit to one.

Well to be honest, the problem with stereotypes is that they get perpetuated! GRIN Some research shows that women are more likely to be emotionally connected to someone with whom they have an affair, but women are much more likely to survive an affair (meaning keep their marriage) whereas men will often 'run off' with the one they are having an affair.

The most unsettling evidence out there is that men are four times as likely to have an affair than women......why unsettling? Well, it 'says' that there are some VERY busy women out there having affairs with at least four men! GRIN

The other point I've read is that women UNDER 35 who are well-educated and have a job are as likely to have an affair as their male counterparts. THAT evidence is suggesting that the old 'stereotype' that women NEED a man to survive might not be true anymore and thus..........

 

[YankeeGirl74]

I'm a married man myself, and like many others that have posted here, things are, well, quiet at the moment between my wife and I. I truly have no idea how we fell into this rut; we used to have a great sex life, adventurous and fun; and then it just kind of slowed down to a snail's pace. We've had the heart to heart talks, the determined resolutions to improve and date nights which seem to fall off the schedule for no apparent reason.

After a while, you just stop asking, and a wall begins to grow between you.

I'd love to get back to that place where we could share intimate thoughts, feelings and fantasies again; when a short saucy message from her would cause an uncomfortable erection all day. When the simple fact that we were alone in the house would be reason enough for clothes to fly off and behave like teenagers in lust.

I've lurked on Lit for a while now, but it was this post that made me create a user name and, with some trepidation and a shy smile on my face, dip my toe into the pool to test the waters.

JKayle, you've aptly described my life with my husband. On the one hand, reading that many are carrying the same burden, makes me finally feel just a little less alone. On the other, it brings a sadness to know what many feel the loneliness, isolation, dejection, resentment and bewilderment that I feel every day.

He is my best friend and we get along wonderfully. However there is no intimacy on his part for a few reasons (medication/back issues/depression/anxiety, etc). We are like great roommates who are raising a child together. He is in bed right after our child goes to bed. There is no shared time...no date nights...no watching hockey together on the sofa.. We are so far a part that I don't know how to bridge the gap and getting to a place of resentfulness that I have to constantly be the one trying to do something to get us back on some sort of common ground.

Like you said "After a while, you just stop asking, and a wall begins to grow between you." I couldn't say it any better myself.

Okay, I've tested the water...now back to my towel. Be gentle, readers of Lit.

 

[blondboy]

JKayle, you've aptly described my life with my husband. On the one hand, reading that many are carrying the same burden, makes me finally feel just a little less alone. On the other, it brings a sadness to know what many feel the loneliness, isolation, dejection, resentment and bewilderment that I feel every day.

He is my best friend and we get along wonderfully. However there is no intimacy on his part for a few reasons (medication/back issues/depression/anxiety, etc). We are like great roommates who are raising a child together. He is in bed right after our child goes to bed. There is no shared time...no date nights...no watching hockey together on the sofa.. We are so far a part that I don't know how to bridge the gap and getting to a place of resentfulness that I have to constantly be the one trying to do something to get us back on some sort of common ground.

Like you said "After a while, you just stop asking, and a wall begins to grow between you." I couldn't say it any better myself.

Okay, I've tested the water...now back to my towel. Be gentle, readers of Lit.

Hi YankeeGirl, that was exactly the same in my marriage, except we don't have children - it's difficult to get someone pregnant when you don't have sex!! She would drink and fall asleep, I would have solo sex on the internet!! I would have loved to have shared all my sexual thoughts with her but it's difficult when there's no sharing or intimacy. Besides, fantasy is fantasy so maybe best with a fantasy cyber person??

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Hi YankeeGirl, that was exactly the same in my marriage, except we don't have children - it's difficult to get someone pregnant when you don't have sex!! She would drink and fall asleep, I would have solo sex on the internet!! I would have loved to have shared all my sexual thoughts with her but it's difficult when there's no sharing or intimacy. Besides, fantasy is fantasy so maybe best with a fantasy cyber person??

Hi there! It IS hard to get one pregnant when you're not having sex! The drinking and falling asleep part...ugh..sorry to hear that. At this point, things are so far off track that I'm missing just the "togetherness"--hanging out watching movies or sports on the sofa, date nights, just being together doing the mundane things of every day life. I keep thinking if we can get back to that, then maybe the intimacy part would come back around. If you have a great communicative relationship that you feel open that you can share those inner fantasies with then I think it can perhaps enhance things....if not, or if you know your fantasies are far off from what your partner likes, then it's better to keep it to yourself and an online friend, if you have one.

 

[pplwatching]

I think it's important to at least try to express needs and even fantasies. For a long time I just kept it all to myself, but I came to realize that by doing that I was a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. When I finally did start really making an effort to reconnect with my wife she stepped up to the plate too.

I have recently expressed some fantasies to my wife and I have to say that she has really taken to them. They are pretty tame, but they're kinky and I had always figured she preferred vanilla. She doesn't quite "get" one, but she's making an effort. I've also discovered that she has a kink of her own! I never would have guessed, but I love it.

Had I not given her the chance, we'd still probably be where we were. Even once the communication was back it still took quite a bit of work.

Hi there! It IS hard to get one pregnant when you're not having sex! The drinking and falling asleep part...ugh..sorry to hear that. At this point, things are so far off track that I'm missing just the "togetherness"--hanging out watching movies or sports on the sofa, date nights, just being together doing the mundane things of every day life. I keep thinking if we can get back to that, then maybe the intimacy part would come back around. If you have a great communicative relationship that you feel open that you can share those inner fantasies with then I think it can perhaps enhance things....if not, or if you know your fantasies are far off from what your partner likes, then it's better to keep it to yourself and an online friend, if you have one.

 

[JKayle]

Hi YankeeGirl, glad to have you around, and welcome to the board. Don't worry, we'll be gentle, lol

There seems to be quite a few of us in the same predicament. For the life of me, I can't say when *exactly* it started or what the triggers were. We've had quiet periods and dry spells before, but when we did get together again, the intimacy was still there; we could still talk about stuff. Now, not so much.

My wife tends to stay up late; long after I need to sleep; she tells me that it's not avoidance, she just has trouble sleeping. Sex of some sort happens about once or twice per month; her usual method of seduction is asking how tired I am when I'm heading off to bed, lol. The bedroom antics are the usual, oft repeated antics, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to enjoy it.

I've trawled through forums, read countless relationship advice books on kindle; wrote her long erotic stories; open hearted emails and letters; countless discussions, but she's content with the way things are. She's a great woman in every other respect, and she's a fantastic mother. I just wish she'd rediscover that inner minx that I remember so well.

So I spend time on here these days, swapping musings, fantasies, and other horny thoughts with these nice, anonymous people from all over the world, and there's always the chance that i may learn something that will relight that fire.

As the expression goes, 'hope springs eternal.'

 

[YankeeGirl74]

I think it's important to at least try to express needs and even fantasies. For a long time I just kept it all to myself, but I came to realize that by doing that I was a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. When I finally did start really making an effort to reconnect with my wife she stepped up to the plate too.

I have recently expressed some fantasies to my wife and I have to say that she has really taken to them. They are pretty tame, but they're kinky and I had always figured she preferred vanilla. She doesn't quite "get" one, but she's making an effort. I've also discovered that she has a kink of her own! I never would have guessed, but I love it.

Had I not given her the chance, we'd still probably be where we were. Even once the communication was back it still took quite a bit of work.

Wonderful to hear that this worked for you.

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Hi YankeeGirl, glad to have you around, and welcome to the board. Don't worry, we'll be gentle, lol

There seems to be quite a few of us in the same predicament. For the life of me, I can't say when *exactly* it started or what the triggers were. We've had quiet periods and dry spells before, but when we did get together again, the intimacy was still there; we could still talk about stuff. Now, not so much.

My wife tends to stay up late; long after I need to sleep; she tells me that it's not avoidance, she just has trouble sleeping. Sex of some sort happens about once or twice per month; her usual method of seduction is asking how tired I am when I'm heading off to bed, lol. The bedroom antics are the usual, oft repeated antics, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to enjoy it.

I've trawled through forums, read countless relationship advice books on kindle; wrote her long erotic stories; open hearted emails and letters; countless discussions, but she's content with the way things are. She's a great woman in every other respect, and she's a fantastic mother. I just wish she'd rediscover that inner minx that I remember so well.

So I spend time on here these days, swapping musings, fantasies, and other horny thoughts with these nice, anonymous people from all over the world, and there's always the chance that i may learn something that will relight that fire.

As the expression goes, 'hope springs eternal.'

Interesting....I often think that my spouse goes to bed early as a way of avoidance. I have become somewhat of a night owl but I do try to go curl up with him or if he's watching tv, go and lay on the bed with him and watch it with him but there is this almost palatable tension when I do. Or I'm "moving around a lot" on the bed and it's hurting his back, so off I go back to the family room. Sex happens occasionally....so far once this year, and only a handful of times in 2011.

I am all for self discovery and learning new things (in and out of the bedroom context), but I am at the point where I am starting to believe that no matter what I do/say/learn/share/express that if HE is not willing to face whatever is going on inside him, that there is nothing I can do to relight the flame. For over a year now, I've been thinking it must be me: that I don't turn him on any more...not pretty enough anymore...or thin enough...or sexy enough...etc, etc., and have gone on more than enough self loathing periods because of it. Just recently I'm starting to get that it's not me. It's his issues and while I am here to help him and support him and get him thru these issues, I have to stop internalizing them.

Here's to hope! May it spring eternal for us all sooner rather than later!

 

[JKayle]

It's a difficult place to be. I have to admit, I do carry the frustrated tension, although I like to think that I hide it well. It's hard to sit down and watch a film with her, because it's on the forefront of your mind, 'why don't you want me?' and 'what am I doing wrong.' Of course that would be different if she'd put on a porn clip and whispered in my ear, '*That's* what I want you to do to me later,' lol. I'm a simple creature, I don't need much, just interest.

 

[YankeeGirl74]

It's a difficult place to be. I have to admit, I do carry the frustrated tension, although I like to think that I hide it well. It's hard to sit down and watch a film with her, because it's on the forefront of your mind, 'why don't you want me?' and 'what am I doing wrong.' Of course that would be different if she'd put on a porn clip and whispered in my ear, '*That's* what I want you to do to me later,' lol. I'm a simple creature, I don't need much, just interest.

Yes, I know those thoughts quite well. The worst is the times that we do cuddle up and watch tv, things are going well and I'm thinking "maybe tonight". Then he gets up to say he's going to bed. I followed him, ready to continue to play and I got shot down in a not-so-blaze of glory. Apparently, sometimes "going to bed" is just code for "going to bed".

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe--usually it's the woman who is "too tired" and the man who is frustrated. A generalization, I know...

As complex as us females are, we still too are some what simplistic. I know that if he put on a such a clip and said that to me, we wouldn't be waiting until later!!!

 

[JKayle]

As complex as us females are, we still too are some what simplistic. I know that if he put on a such a clip and said that to me, we wouldn't be waiting until later!!!

The direct approach; it always works for me, lol

usually it's the woman who is "too tired" and the man who is frustrated. A generalization, I know...

From what I've read, the sexes seem to be equally matched in this respect.

There's plenty of things that can cause low libido; medicinal reasons, hormonal reasons, psychological reasons, but the rejection feels just as personal.

These days though, I make no apology for my own libido. I'll quite happily sit here on lit reading posts and stories whilst she's in the room. I make sure to give myself a little extra attention before I go to sleep, and I don't hide the evidence of the clean up. It's a poor substitute, but at least it is a substitute.

 

[pplwatching]

As complex as us females are, we still too are some what simplistic.

Your husband might be feeling depressed by his health problems, feeling like less of a man, or thinking that you don't find him attractive because of them.

Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. Maybe sitting your husband down, looking him in the eye, and saying "I love you. You don't know how badly I want you. I want this marriage to work. I can't do it alone. I need you in this with me. Talk to me." can help get things out of the rut.

Perhaps opening the dialogue and bringing the issue to the front burner instead of letting it simmer on the back will bear fruit. Even if it doesn't appear to right away, continue to express your devotion and desire to keep the marriage alive. Gentle persistence may at least make you feel like you're doing something instead watching the marriage fade before your eyes.

All the best

 

[bailadora]

There's plenty of things that can cause low libido; medicinal reasons, hormonal reasons, psychological reasons, but the rejection feels just as personal.

True. I've been on both sides of this coin so I certainly understand the feelings of rejection.

I can also tell you that it's no picnic from the flip side. When I was the partner with the low libido, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not being able to meet my husband's needs.

Quite often, there are no easy fixes. What has worked for my husband and I is time, patience, open and honest communication (even when that might mean hearing something about ourselves that we don't want to hear) and an equal commitment from both partners to fight for the relationship. It's not perfect and there are still times when one of us is frisky and the other has no interest. But I can honestly say it is better than it was.

 

[JKayle]

I appreciate that Baila; I've heard some uncomfortable truths; and I worked at them; but once you change that part, and there is no change in the relationship; that 'reason' is relegated to the status of 'excuse'. I've not liked some of the things I've heard; I have as many flaws as the next man, but recognising them, we can improve, and if we are trying to improve for our beloved spouses, then perhaps we are allowed to hope for a rekindling.

 

[Kyttyluvyr]

Your husband might be feeling depressed by his health problems, feeling like less of a man, or thinking that you don't find him attractive because of them.

Speaking from personal experience, this is sometimes the case. Also, if your health is REALLY bad, as in life=threatening, nothing you do will work. In our case, we have talked about it and reassure each other that we still love each other. But as the man, I can tell you, I feel like I am no good anymore and maybe she should just go get some somewhere else. I would rather know about it though and approve of the person, but she said she would never do that. Oh well.

 

[pplwatching]

But as the man, I can tell you, I feel like I am no good anymore and maybe she should just go get some somewhere else.

When we were at the peak of our crisis, my wife told me that I could have an affair as long as she never found out about it. This is a woman who is tenaciously faithful, so that told me a lot about how badly she felt about her own lack of interest in sex. I didn't even want to consider it because I chose to love her unconditionally and a free pass didn't change the fact that I didn't want to have sex with anyone other than her. Of course a flirty female was always soothing to my ego, but I knew that I had to protect what I had with my wife. That free pass would have been anything but free.

I've gained a bit of weight recently and been having some minor health problems, but also have noticed decrease in my hunger for sex just as my wife's drive seems to be peaking. It's really a vicious turn of the table to suddenly feel like the one who isn't keeping up my end of meeting her needs. Now that I'm just a couple of years shy of 50 it could just be a normal part of aging, since the loss of sexual appetite isn't total or even below jonesing for it once a week. I had my annual physical last week and the Dr. ordered tests.

Her metamorphosis is truly breathtaking and her patience with me and our schedule (work, kids, volunteering, etc) is really a comfort to me. I think that as men we sometimes need to accept the fact that our spouses really are capable of loving us unconditionally. They see us differently than we do and are capable of loving us even if we can't lift 50 lb bags of dog food any more (I can, but I can feel some arthritis in my elbow).

My situation isn't the same as yours, obviously. What I might suggest, however, is that you consider that her desire and choice to be faithful to you are *her* choices to make and need to be respected. Take comfort in the fact that she sees you as a man worth keeping and being faithful to. Her intuition just might be right, even if you don't feel it.

Anyway, what gives any of us the right to take ourselves out the game when our spouse wants us in it? If I might also suggest take the time to open yourself up to being her lover even if lovemaking can't include what we men usually take pride in in the bedroom. There's so much more to lovemaking than penetration and hanging from the ceiling, especially for women. Be generous with the touches, hugs, kisses, back rubs, eye contact, and whatever else you *can* give. She will appreciate it. I know that it was my life line when I was in her shoes. I held it tightly.

Best,

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Your husband might be feeling depressed by his health problems, feeling like less of a man, or thinking that you don't find him attractive because of them.

Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. Maybe sitting your husband down, looking him in the eye, and saying "I love you. You don't know how badly I want you. I want this marriage to work. I can't do it alone. I need you in this with me. Talk to me." can help get things out of the rut.

Perhaps opening the dialogue and bringing the issue to the front burner instead of letting it simmer on the back will bear fruit. Even if it doesn't appear to right away, continue to express your devotion and desire to keep the marriage alive. Gentle persistence may at least make you feel like you're doing something instead watching the marriage fade before your eyes.

All the best

I do believe that you are right there with the depression. He has been struggling with anxiety and depression for a few years in his every day life, no doubt adding other things to the mix has now added to the depression. Vicious cycle.

I have almost said that verbatim to him. He just shuts down. Either doesn't answer, changes subject, answers but in a way that the conversation can't flow ("I don't know" or one world "conversation killer" type answers). I just can't get him to talk to me about this.

I do know that I have to hold my head up high. That I am doing, have done and will continue to do, all I can to right the situation. Right now however, it doesn't seem to be budging it all.

Thanks for the wonderful input.

 

[BigBadWolf01]

I've lurked on Lit for a while now, but it was this post that made me create a user name and, with some trepidation and a shy smile on my face, dip my toe into the pool to test the waters.

JKayle, you've aptly described my life with my husband. On the one hand, reading that many are carrying the same burden, makes me finally feel just a little less alone. On the other, it brings a sadness to know what many feel the loneliness, isolation, dejection, resentment and bewilderment that I feel every day.

He is my best friend and we get along wonderfully. However there is no intimacy on his part for a few reasons (medication/back issues/depression/anxiety, etc). We are like great roommates who are raising a child together. He is in bed right after our child goes to bed. There is no shared time...no date nights...no watching hockey together on the sofa.. We are so far a part that I don't know how to bridge the gap and getting to a place of resentfulness that I have to constantly be the one trying to do something to get us back on some sort of common ground.

Like you said "After a while, you just stop asking, and a wall begins to grow between you." I couldn't say it any better myself.

Okay, I've tested the water...now back to my towel. Be gentle, readers of Lit.

Welcome Yankeegirl, and hopefully we can use this resource to help each other not feel the loneliness, as you said. So be a little less saddened by this thought, and go ahead and jump into the pool

 

[YankeeGirl74]

There's so much more to lovemaking than penetration and hanging from the ceiling, especially for women. Be generous with the touches, hugs, kisses, back rubs, eye contact, and whatever else you *can* give. She will appreciate it.

Can I get an "Hallelujah" from the choir on this?

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Welcome Yankeegirl, and hopefully we can use this resource to help each other not feel the loneliness, as you said. So be a little less saddened by this thought, and go ahead and jump into the pool

Thanks for the welcome! I have to say I have gotten some wonderful responses and PM's since posting last night. I wasn't too sure what to expect and I've been very pleasantly surprised. I do feel a little less alone in this situation now.

I'm wading in the shallow end of the pool!

 

[bailadora]

I appreciate that Baila; I've heard some uncomfortable truths; and I worked at them; but once you change that part, and there is no change in the relationship; that 'reason' is relegated to the status of 'excuse'. I've not liked some of the things I've heard; I have as many flaws as the next man, but recognising them, we can improve, and if we are trying to improve for our beloved spouses, then perhaps we are allowed to hope for a rekindling.

*nods*

It can be very discouraging when you feel like you are the only one making any effort. I've been been guilty of complacency and making my husband feel this way. It wasn't ever intentional on my part to make him feel unwanted, but honest truth? I believed my issues trumped his desire for sex. I didn't understand that sex made him feel emotionally connected to me, so I assigned it lower status on the totem pole. It wasn't until he sat me down and flat out told me, "I love you. But I'm not happy and something has to change." It was then that I realized I could lose him if I didn't take him seriously and make an honest commitment towards resolution.

When he and I flipped, so to speak, I gave him his space, because I understood what it was like to be in that position. Eventually though, I had to remind him what it felt like when he was on the receiving end of being stonewalled. He made a sincere effort to address his issues and that is what got us kick started again.

There are also times when we've both been guilty of falling back into former habits. It's not intentional, but those old habits are familiar and comfortable. Sometimes one of us is making more of an effort than the other. And it can be tempting to blow it off and let the issue slide for fear of rocking the boat. But for us, we've found that the longer we let it go, the more difficult is to hold each other accountable, in a loving but non judgmental manner. It's an on going process and it's not always fun. I think what helps us to continue, though - is the knowledge that we both know that we love each other and that there's no one else we'd rather be with.

Of course, every relationship is different and what worked for us may or may not work for someone else. But I hope that by relating my experiences, I've given others hope that it can get better.

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Of course, every relationship is different and what worked for us may or may not work for someone else. But I hope that by relating my experiences, I've given others hope that it can get better.

Baila...it is very nice to see the perspective from someone who seems to be on the "other side of the hill" with this. Thank you so much for sharing. Gives hope.