new poems

[Guest]

Re: February 7, 2003

Xtaabay pre-foafed--and a fine foaf it is--but I'm leaving it for comment with the others tomorrow. Here are some nonfoaf poem comments.

Sorry about that. I had written the foaf poem quite a few days ago because I found the challenge to be appealing. But I didn't think I would be able to post it this evening because I'm currently bogged down with some work (or at least, I thought I would be). So I thought I'd be smart (always a mistake) and try to post it late last night in hopes that it would be close enough to Friday morning that it wouldn't show up until Saturday, but I was foafing..erm, fooling myself because it didn't work Didn't mean to foaf prematurely... I feel bad now. I swear it's never happened before
--Xtaabay

 

[Angeline]

Premature foafulation

we just won't discuss it till tomorrow

but I loved it--really clever!

 

[OT]

Angeline,
Thank you for the generous review.

I think we should all go write something anti-foafish
in an effort to get some of that foaf off our fingers.

 

[silken_dreammaid]

Thanks Ange for the mention..

I can't make donuts so I have to do something to pass the time.. ~grins~




silken

 

[Guest]

Re: Premature foafulation

we just won't discuss it till tomorrow

but I loved it--really clever!

I don't know... premature foafulation is a touchy subject One of those awkward situations... hm.. maybe it would be a good topic for the awkward situations thread...

--Xtaabay

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm having some computer problems (read 'i.e. f*ckin' crashed on me again) so it'll take me a little bit longer to post the new poems' reviews today, but I will.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

This has been one weird day (where the heck are you all?), and the new poetry list is out there to prove it.

The new poems. In parts. I'll start with the Foafs and take it from there. I wish I could have seen Laurel's face yesterday... *chuckles*

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by Xtaabay ©

Friend of a friend,
Heavy pumpernickel loaf,
Poked round rumors
Seeded with rye.

[...]

I know it's a yesterday's f/loaf, but I don't care. It's such a great read and, like Ange said, so cleverly written.

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by Elda Furry ©

Aisles slick with spill -
you slide easily between
well stacked cans.

[...]

So now we know what Elda does when she's out shopping, and even better, what she does when she comes back home. Cucumbers? lol

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by Angeline ©

[...]

A man can’t lose there.
You hip to that beat?
They not square, daddy.
They got eyes.
They make you complete
in Paris.

[...]

It's so like Angeline to write such a great jazz poem starting with a title like Foaf. Now I understand why she said she was starting to love the word. If this is the result, I'm getting very fond of it myself.
I'm giving it my first

ever.

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by silken_dreammaid ©

Thin ribbon twisted in the branch,
a streamer of blue that waves
sinuously in the wind's pleasures.

[...]

A more melancholic approach to the 'friend of a friend' topic. Sad, and wonderfully written.

-------------------------------------------------
foaf
by 03sp ©

1.
not like a dragon fly.
Is one! holding something
in its tiny claws or sticky
picker appendage pecking at my sash

[...]

Those synthetics are calling,
"come to us, upon us, because of us"
man made fabrics manufactured
for pleasure and recyclable.
After all, what is a memory but
a reused pinch and swoon.

[...]

Can sp ever write something that doesn't twists your brain before you can step back in awe?

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by JUDO ©

Two degrees removed from Fate's encrusted ax,
Our worries reflect the warm face's who'd hear
Like families from Shakespeare in their final acts.

[...]

It's been one week since those superb Shadow Theatre/er and she still doesn't cease to amaze. The perfect control over form almost passes unnoticed, as it should always be.

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by Lauren.Hynde ©

A friend-of-a-friend
professionally
drops by my place
when the TV is on and
professionally
pokes at my brain
with stroboscopic lights

[...]

Brilliant! Give her the Pulitzer.

-------------------------------------------------
FOAF
by guilty pleasure ©

For all his antisocial ways
Of distances maintained,
A feeling of some separateness
From people he disdained
Felt comfortable and fit him, but
Oft' he spoke out loud,
An effort to release him
From his silent, thunderous cloud.

[...]

A quadruple acrostic! And it reads very well too. Check it out.

-------------------------------------------------
Of course the real fun of having all these poems around today is to be able to compare all the different approaches and see how they could all have com from such a weird little four-letter-word. Foaf.

FoaF
by Mythos50 ©

Foaf
by Rybka ©

Foaf
by WickedEve ©

foaf
by OT ©

Foaf
by HomerPindar ©

foaf or something
by rainbows end ©

A Loaf Of Foaf
by Star At Sunrise ©

Foaf
by darkmaas ©

-------------------------------------------------

And now, the non-Foafs:

-------------------------------------------------
Peter's Mistress
by Miss Mary Allan ©

Tell me of his taste
and proclivities.
Do you recall?
No matter, no matter.
I'll send you out tonight.
[...]

Miss Mary has a real knack with words. This poem reads so well, and you can see she's got more of it in her.

-------------------------------------------------
Lauren's Boob
by HomerPindar ©

Look, I was just headin home with some take out
and I certainly didn't mean to cause an accident.
Unbeleivable, isn't it? I mean, who would expect such a
reaction, right? It's the season, there are Santa's
everywhere, so why should the sight of another one
now cause me any sort of problem? [...]

An illustrated poem! (or it should be, if you had asked me...)

-------------------------------------------------
busy
by Senna Jawa ©

my Indian friend's phone is busy
the Indian population exceeds a bilion


There's a typo in 'billion' (I hope) but it really makes you think...

-------------------------------------------------
Tonight
by SpectralDragoon ©

I came for you tonight,
but no, not like that.
You called, and I came.
You needed me,
or at least a human touch,
and I came.

[...]

The first poem of a friend of mine.

-------------------------------------------------
The dragon
by Awen ©

As fierce as the dark night
That runs rivers of fright
Ripping away layers of the soul
The minds eye would perceive
That the dragon will deceive
Leaving nothing whole

[...]

Awen's a new poet too and this is one of the ten poems she posted today. Some of them could really use some work, but I think this one and others show some promise. Welcome, Awen.

-------------------------------------------------
That's it. It took me so long that tomorrow's list should be up by now...
Which reminds me. Fishy, how did the eye operation go?

 

[Senna Jawa]

busy
by Senna Jawa ©

            my Indian friend's phone is busy
            the Indian population exceeds a bilion


There's a typo in 'billion' (I hope) but it really makes you think...

It was truly a typo, not an orthographic error (the original on a piece of paper has it correct, billion--I am a mathematician after all ). How frustrating!

Thank you Lauren for pointing it out and for mentioning my 2-liner. Best regards,

 

[Lauren Hynde]

And I think it should be a thousand millions too...

 

[Guest]

Thank you for mention
Lauren

 

[Rybka]

New Poems of 2/9/03

There are 21 new submissions today. I do not say "poems" because I consider The Death Of a Clone Wife by Malhi to be prose full of rhymes, a story in couplets.

...
I broke my chest.
Using my fist.
And screamed into the universe.
Begging to be put back in reverse.
And all I had gotten, all for my trouble.
Was double. Was Double.
Seeing that I would not stop.
Didn't drop.
Unlike the rest.
Tried to lay me to rest.
I raged into the night.
...

Malhi does the same thing again with half a dozen other offerings. I guess he is the progenitor of a new genre on Lit.

Most of the rest are average (for Lit.) poems at best. Why do many think that stringing couplets together will turn popcorn into pearls?
However, 03sp is always good for a pearl or two and the cleansing of a jaded palate. My favorite of his 3 is
plastic forked.

if only you had told me
the way was left, not my choice
a spoon in the road would
have been more appropriate
it would have held my coins
tossed into the hollow
made an irreverent sound
b flat minor
...

Foxinsox gives us
Letting Go. A poem of:

...
Though we loved with everything
It wasn’t quite enough
Dreams and reality
Clash with finality
And it’s time for letting go.

The last one I found of interest this morning is Bridge crossed by silken_dreammaid. I like the imagery and the way it reads.

Talons grip
above the clouds,
beyond the peak
silence slips.

Feather fly
across the stars
toward the moon,
satin sky.

In quiet places
the voices call.
Petals brush paper
cuts as they fall.

Black wings,
memory's raven
feeding upon
stale crumbs.

Regards,                       Rybka

p.s. My sight is much better, but my poetic vision is no sharper.

 

[Guest]

Thank you, Rybka,

The hexagram was concocted without coins or sticks.
It's uncanny at times.

Actually, my favorite was "wolf mate".


be well, ;-)
sp

 

[JUDO]

-------------------------------------------------
Foaf
by JUDO ©

Two degrees removed from Fate's encrusted ax,
Our worries reflect the warm face's who'd hear
Like families from Shakespeare in their final acts.

[...]

It's been one week since those superb Shadow Theatre/er and she still doesn't cease to amaze. The perfect control over form almost passes unnoticed, as it should always be.

-------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the kind words, my Portuguese Princess. I liked yours, too. (We shall now start the stroboscopic probing. Please, hand me the wand of power.)

 

[Rybka]

Thank you, Rybka,

The hexagram was concocted without coins or sticks.
It's uncanny at times.

Actually, my favorite was "wolf mate".


be well, ;-)
sp

03sp,
That would have been my third choice.
De gustibus... I quess.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Thank you and thank you

First to Lauren for her kind words about my Foaf:

A man can’t lose there.
You hip to that beat?
They not square, daddy.
They got eyes.
They make you complete
in Paris.

[...]

It's so like Angeline to write such a great jazz poem starting with a title like Foaf. Now I understand why she said she was starting to love the word. If this is the result, I'm getting very fond of it myself.

I'm giving it my first ever L.

I now have two Es and an L, which together make one EEL. hehe.
I wish I'd gotten a K. Then I'd have EEK.

By the way, every name in my poem but Foaf, of course, is a real jazz nickname.

Lady - Billie Holiday
The Brute - Ben Webster
Bubber - James Miley
Fump - Milt Hinton
Dodo - Dodo Marmosa (can't find a reference to his real first name!)
Prez - Lester Young

(just so y'all know . . . no skimping here!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rybka you bad fishie! You should have rested your eyes and let me do the new poems as promised, but I'm glad you're doing better.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Thank you and thank you

I now have two Es and an L, which together make one EEL. hehe.
I wish I'd gotten a K. Then I'd have EEK.

If you don't want it, I will eat it! I love eels!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[silken_dreammaid]

Thanks Rybka for the kind mention.. and to Lauren as well...



silken

 

[Angeline]

If you don't want it, I will eat it! I love eels!

Regards, Rybka


Well, I'm not getting too close--those teeth are too darn big--but...

throws EEL to Rybka (and runs so as not to see the ensuing carnage)

 

[JUDO]

New - 02-10-03

A few that caught my eye. - Judo
--------------------------------------------------
[Note to Newbies: Please click on the links below to read the complete versions of the following poetic excerpts, and get more information on the poets.]
--------------------------------------------------
On the wide road with the neurotic SJ!

[…]
roads of blue and red
ocean and mountains
full hair bright fur in skies
all dry
don't give a damn
[…]

"she has Betty Davis eyes"
by
Senna Jawa©
--------------------------------------------------
Read the fine print by this five-time first-time poet.

[…]
there in that vast void of lover’s delight
exploration turned to obsession from the very start
there were empty ones after uninhabited others
whose love has eaten and drank from your heart
[…]

the signs of love and lust
by
wetbluedreams©
--------------------------------------------------
A goosey tale by chicklet

[…]
Pushing and nipping
They take crumbs from the ducks
Small morsels too insignificant to even swallow
But they want them all

Gaggle of Geese
by
Chicklet©
--------------------------------------------------
And from the David Lynch school of poetry…

[…]
I travel fast,
from sitting down to standing up.
Who are You?
Red head or auburn haired beauty
in pajama bottoms and black t-shirt
[…]

One Missed Connection
by
03sp©
--------------------------------------------------
An "A" for effort, but the 3rd and last lines' meter…uhm…

Oh, apple that my lover gave to me,
You glow in rose illumed and yielding cream.
Imperfect fallen orb, your blushed beauty
Delights my winter’s pale with summer dream.
[…]

Apple Sonnet
by
Angeline©
--------------------------------------------------
I like the way this moves -- seductive, sexy -- like a Bill Evans tune.

[…]
You know how your bones
slip out under your skin,
and you roll up to nothing
but a spoon that smokes blue
like a minor chord?
[…]

Buttered Blues
by
Angeline©
--------------------------------------------------
I found the capitalized words intriguing. Read them first, like an acrostic sentence, then read the poem, emphasizing those words. I don't think this was intended (Perhaps the author will tell us), but an "acrostic sentence"… Maybe a new form to play with?

[…]
NEITHER time
DECADES or years
MIXED with rain
SLEET, overcast
CLOUDED the emotion
JOINED with destiny
AND the fate
THAT was to be
THE gracious unsaid
EMOTION filled within
ME.

Only You
by
fabmax©
--------------------------------------------------

 

[Angeline]

TY Ms JUDO

for les mentions!

Re: the sonnet

I knew the meter was off--and I said "Dang and it posts on JUDO's review day, too" lol! I decided I liked the lines too much to change (either that or it was late and I was tired, haha).

I gladly accept recommendations for revisions from poets who excel at um lots of traditional form poems, um whoever they are.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: New - 02-10-03

A few that caught my eye. - Judo
--------------------------------------------------
On the wide road with the neurotic SJ!

[…]

                roads of blue and red
                ocean and mountains
                full hair bright fur in skies
                all dry
                don't give a damn

[…]

"she has Betty Davis eyes"
by
Senna Jawa©
[/B]

According to Rhyming Dictionary:

    Definitions of neurotic:

    noun: a person suffering from neurosis
    adjective: characteristic of or affected by neurosis

      Example: "Neurotic disorder"

    adjective: affected with emotional disorder

and

    Definitions of neurosis:

    noun: a mental or personality disturbance not attributable to any known neurological or organic dysfunction

Thank you, Judo, for mentioning one of my three newly posted poems (I hope that the other two were not symptomatic of any neurosis; one of them actually has, among other things, a touch of humor to it).

Regards,

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: New - 02-10-03

According to Rhyming Dictionary:

    Definitions of neurotic:

    noun: a person suffering from neurosis
    adjective: characteristic of or affected by neurosis

      Example: "Neurotic disorder"

    adjective: affected with emotional disorder

and

    Definitions of neurosis:

    noun: a mental or personality disturbance not attributable to any known neurological or organic dysfunction

Thank you, Judo, for mentioning one of my three newly posted poems (I hope that the other two were not symptomatic of any neurosis; one of them actually has, among other things, a touch of humor to it).

Regards,

I recall enjoying one of the other two, Senna. Just not as much as this one.

 

[JUDO]

Re: TY Ms JUDO

for les mentions!

Re: the sonnet

I knew the meter was off--and I said "Dang and it posts on JUDO's review day, too" lol! I decided I liked the lines too much to change (either that or it was late and I was tired, haha).

I gladly accept recommendations for revisions from poets who excel at um lots of traditional form poems, um whoever they are.

Apple Sonnet

Oh, apple that my lover gave to me,
You glow in rose illumed and yielding cream.
Imperfect fallen orb, your blushed beauty
Delights my winter’s pale with summer dream.

Yet still not half so sweet as his warm kiss,
Your scent not fragrant as his golden hair,
Your tender flesh cannot enjoin the bliss
I found within his limbs--an orchard rare!

Still all of nature’s piece are thee and he,
Both having left a garden for my side.
Is too much joy a sin of vanity?
Is tasting you or him a false-stepped pride?

I hold you in my palm and contemplate:
Once fallen ‘tis fruitless denying fate.

One thing that leapt out from your sonnet is a device that all us meter-crazed writers use to make things work. The trick is not to use it too much, or it leeps out.

The little non-accented preludes to start the line you're thinking of. In this case, such as "Oh, Yet still, Still." They really seem devicive when they don't really contribute to the overall meaning.

Also, you might look at your beginning words. Some of them repeat the sentence structure: "You glow, Your scent, Your tender, Is too, Is tasting..." Perhaps on a re-write, visit these to keep the meaning, but vary the structure.

Now, most the this English Sonnet's lines of meter are fine, but a couple stood out as not being okay -- lines 3 and 14. Yes, they are nice sentences (phrases), but they don't have the meter required by the form.

Sure, you can create another form, but if you are so obviously trying for a particular form, then you must obey the rules. (This printed for all those who say "Well, if it works, who cares about form?")

line3:

Imperfect fallen orb, your [/b]blushed[/b] beauty

Worked right up until that final word. Plus, "blushed" can often be confusing (eg. Is it "blusht" or "blush-ed?" -- a common device).

To substitute, you need a rhyme for "to me" from line 1 that ends in an accent, and that will have some comment on the soft textured coloring of a ripe apple:

Looking for rhyming words, alphabetically (yes, there are many more):
bee see cree dee fee flee free glee plea, treaty entrety, entry, cranny...

I choose for now, to use "blush-ed glee" imparting a happy state to the new apple and its ruddy exterior (as though brought on by such), and lends itself to the result -- "delight."

Imperfect fallen orb, your blushed glee

line 14:

Once fallen ‘tis fruitless denying fate.

A nice line, yes, but not fitting the meter.

Once fallen 'tis fruitless denying fate.

Hmmm...

A good sentiment. How do we keep it?

I hold you in my palm and contemplate:
One fall begins your fruitless, gnashing fate.

Or, something like that.

My thoughts.


- Judo

with edits:

Oh, apple that my lover gave to me,
You glow in rose illumed and yielding cream.
Imperfect fallen orb, your blushed glee
Delights my winter’s pale with summer dream.

Yet still not half so sweet as his warm kiss,
Your scent not fragrant as his golden hair,
Your tender flesh cannot enjoin the bliss
I found within his limbs--an orchard rare!

Still all of nature’s piece are thee and he,
Both having left a garden for my side.
Is too much joy a sin of vanity?
Is tasting you or him a false-stepped pride?

I hold you in my palm and contemplate:
One fall begins your fruitless, gnashing fate.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Blush-ed?

 

[JUDO]

Originally posted by Lauren.Hynde -- blush-ed?

Well, probably more correctly -- blushed, but yes, this is a common performance practice; in particular, in the performance of metered poetry.