new poems

[Angeline]

Angeline
Thank you,
you are a gracious and kind critic, (sometimes)
My best

Well I hope this was one of them and, if it wasn't, chalk it up to a long day. I'll try harder next time.

 

[Maria2394]

thank you Angeline

Dear Angeline

Thank you for helping me with elements, placement. And for the encouragement. It means so much coming from you! all, of you , in fact.

I was truly stuck, you know where, I am certain I had too many words saying too much and meaning too little...

I want to thank you here for editing it for me, since I acknowledged you in the wrong part of the submit page ( sorry, it was the first time I tried and did it wrong.)
I am resubmitting with your credit

you're an angel

 

[Angeline]

I want to thank you here for editing it for me, since I acknowledged you in the wrong part of the submit page ( sorry, it was the first time I tried and did it wrong.)
I am resubmitting with your credit

And you are very sweet to say so, but I did very little and it was a wonderful piece of writing before my paws ever touched it.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

June 14th, 2003

The new poetry list is a fun place to explore. I'm missing some of my favourite authors' work (Sp, Eve, Angeline, Judo, Cordelia, Rybka, Silken, ... Post more, please!), but we can still find some very good offerings from less known (to me, at least ) poets.

Today's spotlight goes to the first poetry submissions of a new author: perdita.

-------------------------------------------------
My Liebestod
by perdita ©

I want to be someone's widow
Have love leave against its will, before its time
Leave a proper memory, a legacy of some kind.

[...]

I wish I had his name or ring, some official thing
That would make me his survivor, the one listed in the obit,
The one who gets the sympathy, the inheritance.
I want to properly mourn, sit in the front row,
Pick out the headstone, be consoled
By anyone who knows.
I want to visit the grave on each anniversary
And sometimes just for fun.

(The pleasure would be all mine.)

I want to be a widow, but damn it
No one wants to die for me.

In my opinion, this is the best of perdita's four submissions. It has, of course, some flaws, some tweaking would be very advantageous here and there, where some elements distract much, much more than they add to the effect, but the tell-tale feel given to a poem that is otherwise very intimist is part of why it works so well. The same thing happens in Re-Birth of Venus (where there's something definitely not working with the poem's formatting) and Medea. After reading both of these submissions, my idea was that there were two fantastic poems hidden in those blocks, waiting for some firm chisel blows to set them free. It's interesting to compare these three poems with the fourth, which attempts to capture a moment in as few words as possible:

Nijinsky's 'Albrecht'
by perdita ©

The gaze of the greatest male dancer that ever lived—
His hand in a gesture that could have produced a book.

A hundred pages? A hundred words?

A phrase, a phrase—
for want of a phrase, a book.

I'm dying for want of a phrase.

Still, I'd get rid of the first line.

-------------------------------------------------
Running Away & Towards
by RazzRajen ©

wait then,
in the steely dawn
your awakening has begun
      your needs be filled
Look inside
 and see the demons
gnawing away .

[...]

In the line of RazzRajen's poetry, I particularly enjoyed this piece, for its simplicity and precise images. Despite the noise.

-------------------------------------------------
sometimes i think
by steve porter ©

emotional eggshells
by steve porter ©

Seeing Things
by NeoQuaid ©

These just made me glad I took the time to read them.

 

[Guest]

Wow

I'm honored but more amazed. I've worked these to death and just decided to submit; there are more pending.

I really would appreciate more crits. Lauren your comments are very fine and helpful. I'm going to wait a while to do any revisions, just need the distance. Thank you so much for noticing my work.

Best regards, Perdita

 

[Lauren Hynde]

We're always looking for fresh blo... um... I mean... You're very welcome, perdita.

Feel free to start a new thread if you need help with any specific piece. We're usually a helpful bunch, as a whole.

 

[Rybka]

new poems on 6/15/03 - Perdita's Sunday

Today we have 39 new works and one “spinner”. Here is the oldie that I bring today. (Only took 1 spin.)

shadow bruises by nakedangelina ©.

~*~
Four feet feather a dirty floor,
she is smoke spinning
suspended in sacrifice;
a serene soulful séance.
He is twilight tracing
tangled in temptation,
a translucent tainted trade.
They are whisper weaving
obliged by their burden,
contorting in the chaos
as six shades of Heaven
splinter into icy embers;
a shadow bruising salvation.
~*~

I like this one. Beyond the alliterations, I cannot really say why, except that the images created are enhanced and made more pleasurable by them (IMHO).

Of the 39 new offerings, 28 are non-erotic. Of the other 11 only perdita's
She Welcomes the Abyss to Her Bed strikes my fancy. This new author to Lit. needs to learn to not try and do so much in one poem. For example, the quote below can stand alone as a very nice little work.

...
The past is with me in this future
that I live in now.
My tenses are well protected
Like my feet.
Then we speak, lay entwined
sit across a table, drive all night.

Pretences fade, masks replace mirrors
Faces look back, or come out from behind
Figura are born in the mind.
Portraits turn truer than their original models.

It takes an expert
To detect a reproduction
Or to fake some works of art.
...

On the non-erotic side perdita also gives us
Valentines a Must Read.

...
8. No breeze, no sound, serene blue skies, not a single cloud. Warm
air and peace in the lunatic asylum. Sanctuary. No bells. My

heart, my brave new world. My own compassion relieves my
deepest grief. Safe within the craters of my planet heart I spin the

rings around my history, my art.

While you are reading perdita, you might as well read her
In Anticipation-A Memory, My First Ballade, Challenge, and My First Chopin. They are all very good. Perdita's talent is a very good addition to the poets of Lit.
My only other comment would be that a lot of her work so far presented reads more like prose than poetry to me, very good prose, but prose none-the-less. Her work often seems like a good short story with the heart of a poem embedded within, (And that is not a bad thing!), or as too much "set-up" around a poem(And that is not such a good thing.) that can easily stand alone in the light.

Having satiated myself with perdita, I now go on to Maria2394's Saturday Mourning

A rustle in the canopy drew my eyes to her.
Mother bluejay coaxing her child to fly.
From one limb to another, she chirps
Just a bit further this time, Let Go!

Immature wings pump, he crossed the sandy driveway.
Though he's not yet grown he made it to the pine!
Squawks of celebration from his parents did ensue,
but my only thought was his safety.

Twenty feet away I spy him, heaving tiny sighs.
Aerobic rewards for a job well done!
Mom can tell he's breathless but she demands that he go on,
Next branch... let go! pump and glide!
Grab that limb! hold on!
Don't fly into the sun!

I watched until they disappeared
into the thickness of the woods.
I thanked God for such a unique glimpse,
put out some seeds, filled the basin,
closed the wrought iron gate.
...

It changes from here.


Here is a rather unusual metaphor for an overdone theme:
Oyster On The Shore by SpiritWolf.

Alone on the shore,
With the tide gone out,
oyster ponders her fate.

Protective shell closed,
To keep out the sun,
Nothing, but to wait.

Always a kind one,
And a help to friends,
No one looked her way.

Then a Gull flew in
And said, "Come let's go.
I'll take you away."

Elation!..In his wings,
she went for the ride,
With seldom a care.

He told her his love...
her shell opened wide
And pearled soul was bared.

Her heart was confused.
As wings opened wide;
Cried when he let her go.

She fell from the sky,
With horrible dread,
To rocks far below.

"You're special," He cried,
with her pearl inside;
left her there in pain...

Broken and bleeding...
For all the world to
Pick at her remains.

Finally, on the Father's Day theme:
Palau offers
expanding generation

showering down party parasols.
from cargo kite brilliantly painted
far above with tail of no aerodynamic significance
flown by a single small child
on her day,

the day daddy comes to front
pushing aside the pretenders
the villains and venders of cellular minutes
and no satisfactory boy
with spoiled cars
who dream of salt flats
flat stomachs and biceps

While OT gives us Dad

Saturday morning
on the kitchen table
in a dented tin bowl
with his very large hands
he mixed the dough

enough for five loaves
it took strong hands to knead it


Saturday noon
on hot summer days
in the dusty garden
with his vary large hands
he taught us to work

enough for sale at the farmer's market
it took a strong man to tend it


Saturday night
on the front room floor
in a tangled heap
with his very large hands
he wrestled five boys

enough time and energy for all
it took a strong man to be dad

There are so many submissions today that I may have missed a poem or two of value. These reviews and recommendations are only one reader's opinions after all. So please feel free to post about any new poems that have caught your fancy.


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[SpiritWolf]

Oyster On The Shore-New Poem

Thank you so much for your kind comments about my poem, "Oyster On The Shore." This was truly the way I felt when my ex-boyfriend walked out on me without a word. It did turn out to be a good thing, though, as I have met the man of my dreams since then.

 

[FoxyRedHead]

Hello all I'm new here Just wanted to say hello and let you know That I have submitted a few poems and can't wait to jump in with you all soon.

 

[SpiritWolf]

Oyster On The Shore-New Poem

I just received an anonymous feedback by email which said my poem could use a little tweaking on the third lines. If anyone has suggestions on how I could improve this piece, I would appreciate them.

Thanx.

Everyone have a good night. I'm off to bed as 4 a.m. comes early and work is long.

 

[Cordelia]

Re: June 14th, 2003

I'm missing some of my favourite authors' work (Sp, Eve, Angeline, Judo, Cordelia, Rybka, Silken, ... Post more, please!), but we can still find some very good offerings from less known (to me, at least ) poets.

I posted a poem a few days ago. Only 3 people gave feedback. (Thanks Eve and darkmaas!).

I'll assume it wasn't one of my better ones, and move on with my writing.

Back to the grindstone...


Cordelia



P.S. Some great new poets coming around! yay!

 

[Guest]

Dear Rybka:

Thank you for your quotes and comments. I began my own thread asking for criticism so I didn't look elsewhere until a nice feedback note let me know. I appreciate all good criticism and that's what yours is.

As I mention in my thread, I've worked these pieces for a long time so am going to give myself a longer time before revising (yet again).

Best regards, Perdita

 

[RazzRajen]

Re: June 14th, 2003

The new poetry list is a fun place to explore. I'm missing some of my favourite -------------------------------------------------
Running Away & Towards
by RazzRajen ©

wait then,
in the steely dawn
your awakening has begun
      your needs be filled
Look inside
 and see the demons
gnawing away .

[...]

In the line of RazzRajen's poetry, I particularly enjoyed this piece, for its simplicity and precise images. Despite the noise.

-------------------------------------------------



Thanks for noticing Lauren......


Razz

 

[KillerMuffin]

Today's poems

There were three out of the fifteen or so that caught my eye. We have one that seems to be of the newish sort. I haven't seen him (her?) around before. I should check profiles but I'm so lazy. There was another that had good rhythm and tone, but it was just astonishingly cliche ridden. I left it off the list, you won't have difficulties with it.



Magnolia13 brings up The Moon is a Beautiful Creature The title is cool, I think. The poem isn't laureate material, but it's nice.

The new chick (guy?) AnxietyAttack150 has several smut poems up on the list. They're all too prosish and could use a good kick in the imagery butt, but this one struck me as interesting and I read it several times. It's worth a click. Afterthoughts

My fave and one of the best on the site (IMHO), comes from oxalis, a familiar face (at least to me). new is related to old T

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Re: June 14th, 2003

I posted a poem a few days ago. Only 3 people gave feedback. (Thanks Eve and darkmaas!).

I'll assume it wasn't one of my better ones, and move on with my writing.

Back to the grindstone...


Cordelia

I noticed and enjoyed your poem very much. I know I should send feedback more often, but the truth is I don't do it as much as I'd like. So, just call me greedy! I want more.

 

[Maria2394]

thank you Rybka

Thanks for mentioning my poem, Saturday Mourning Since it posted, I recieved a lot of really good feedback pointing directly to what I thought was wrong with it. It is now revised after OT and I took a word whacker too it the oter night

Thanks again, M

 

[oxalis]

goodness again

Thank you,
KM again

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: June 14th, 2003

I posted a poem a few days ago. Only 3 people gave feedback. (Thanks Eve and darkmaas!).

I'll assume it wasn't one of my better ones, and move on with my writing.

Back to the grindstone...


Cordelia



P.S. Some great new poets coming around! yay!

Hey, how'd you know that feedback that said, "You suck, girly! And not just in a sexual way!" was from me?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: June 14th, 2003

I'm missing some of my favourite authors' work (Sp, Eve, Angeline, Judo, Cordelia, Rybka, Silken, ... Post more, please!), but we can still find some very good offerings from less known (to me, at least ) poets.

I don't think you'll see a W.E. poem unless it's part of a group poem. But Elda may be tempted some time soon to post a cock poem in response to all those freakin' pussy poems!
Hey, but there is a WE poem here: Fox Hunt
Go look, go look! It's only a bronze medal and I never heard of this site till rather recently, but... Go look before it's gone! lol

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I saw that the other day! Congratulations, Eve.

 

[Angeline]

Congrats Eve!

I've seen this site before and I know the competition there is stiff. The poem is terrific and I'm happy for you (and Daughter and co. at Lotus Blooms, which I see is producing lots of winners).

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks, L & A!

Well, I checked out the new poems and will be mentioning some. But it will be a little later today when I get back home. So until then... umm... read the new poems.

 

[WickedEve]

6-17

Today gives us 3 new poems by perdita, including Lies of Fiction

...

On the night-screen:
The raven-haired love-goddess
was on the beach, gasping,
"Lies of fiction, lies of fiction. . ."

...

Also Common Out of Body Experience and I'll Take Romance

----------
Pine Tree
by Xtaabay

...

Tall sky pole
feathered needle fans brushing,
combing clouds to cotton wisps .

Heavy trunk and branching spokes
mottled by solar kisses and lichen lovers whorls.

...

Hmm... I need to give the pines in my backyard a closer look.

----------

A poem by our pal Palau:

ripping good

...

lower into vat of oily body paint
with scuba rubber skinned
divers
slick seal svelte, bone mounted
projections, thorns heaving

...

That's what I did last night.

----------

When the Moon Rides in on the Train
by Sidney V.Lish

When the Moon rides in on the train some nights
Sun at sky edge makes slanty blue lights.
Sitting round table, guitar in hand
Minor E chords, a duo, a fan.
Hippie Love, a circle of three
A dance with the Moon alone on a breeze.

...

It has potential.

-----------

Go read the rest. I'm sure I missed something.

 

[Palau]

Eve

Thank you for mention dear, dear and Wicked



one more thing:

I think “official lit feedback system”
is not working for me. Feedback is not delivered.
Is it happening to anyone else?
How would you know?

 

[Cordelia]

Re: Re: Re: June 14th, 2003

Hey, how'd you know that feedback that said, "You suck, girly! And not just in a sexual way!" was from me?

Because no one else tells me, "you suck!" quite the way you do, Eve...

Off to take a cold shower,


Cordelia