Oh So Vanilla

[SummerMorning]

SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Heyya, cheeky bugger. Whatcha up to?

 

[FyrNEyes]

Heyya, cheeky bugger. Whatcha up to?

Oh you know, this and that...

 

[neonflux]

That I certainly could not!

Fortunately, I'm not in that kind of position. However, it is a problem right now because I'm just not getting the right 'vibes' from my partner. It's not denigration, it's disinterest - and in a way, that's worse. If I was feeling under attack, I'd have no problem walking out

That is harder, definitely. My SO enjoys asking questions, listening to my stories, and sharing as much as he can. I guess the other question is then, can you be satisfied in a relationship with someone who has no interest whatsoever, and with whom it sounds you have no avenue to share this part of yourself? And considering, do you think your partner has the capacity to change?

Love can be so damn difficult...

Neon

 

[SummerMorning]

That is harder, definitely. My SO enjoys asking questions, listening to my stories, and sharing as much as he can. I guess the other question is then, can you be satisfied in a relationship with someone who has no interest whatsoever, and with whom it sounds you have no avenue to share this part of yourself? And considering, do you think your partner has the capacity to change?

Love can be so damn difficult...

Neon

I'll be honest - I don't think you can ever change your partner. They can change themselves, a little bit. You can both become more tolerant, a little bit. And both partners can also be sure that their little "quirks" will eventually become glaring character "flaws" ... bit pessimistic, I guess.

 

[SummerMorning]

Oh you know, this and that...

I can see this ... but I'm not seeing much of that.

 

[wicked woman]

summer...I'm not sure I like your question. It makes me think and consider what I don't want to...and worse yet, makes me realize that I should.

This D/s thing is relatively new to me...not 'new new' but still relatively new. The more I experience it, the more I realize how comfortable it is for me...how it let's me be me...how much I want and need it to be a part of my life.

So what's the problem? Simply put, my D and I are not in a relationship that will likely ever be a live-in every day relationship....and I crave such a relationship. The one who will most likely offer that type of relationship is not, nor likely to be to the extent I would wish, into D/s.

So summer...thank you for starting this thread...but part of me wishes you hadn't. Takes me where I didn't want to go...but perhaps where I needed to go. *sigh*

 

[SummerMorning]

summer...I'm not sure I like your question. It makes me think and consider what I don't want to...and worse yet, makes me realize that I should.

This D/s thing is relatively new to me...not 'new new' but still relatively new. The more I experience it, the more I realize how comfortable it is for me...how it let's me be me...how much I want and need it to be a part of my life.

So what's the problem? Simply put, my D and I are not in a relationship that will likely ever be a live-in every day relationship....and I crave such a relationship. The one who will most likely offer that type of relationship is not, nor likely to be to the extent I would wish, into D/s.

So summer...thank you for starting this thread...but part of me wishes you hadn't. Takes me where I didn't want to go...but perhaps where I needed to go. *sigh*

I can emphatize with your situation. It's difficult. People are not what we truly want, we make compromises, we hope things will work out well - but more often than not they just work out. Function. But don't necessarily satisfy.

There is the fact that there are more people out there, that you're not alone and that - this is really useful, I can't overemphasize - the internet does offer an unparalleled opportunity to chat. Talk. Talk and think things out and over.

Does that make things easier? No. I don't think so.

It's a big and ... well ... quite complicated issue. Sometimes I wonder - is that madness stalking me? Or is it just a complicated situation. I'm probably just complicating a simple issue for myself. I dunno.

 

[neonflux]

I'll be honest - I don't think you can ever change your partner. They can change themselves, a little bit. You can both become more tolerant, a little bit. And both partners can also be sure that their little "quirks" will eventually become glaring character "flaws" ... bit pessimistic, I guess.

This is something with which I totally agree. The difficulty comes when trying to figure out where a push towards a greater degree of "tolerance" might lead to a demand to change. The line is easy to see when one asks a partner to act against their "nature."

For instance , should I pressure my SO to bring S/m play into our relationship, something for which he just isn't wired and would never enjoy - well, this would be a clear demand for change.

He and I are both easy-going and neither of us is prone to sexual jealousy, which is part of why our relationship works. But what if he were more sexually jealous, and I insisted he allow me to explore my need for BDSM with others or risk losing me? Is that, or is it not an expectation that he change? If his jealosy is due to insecurity or a fear of losing me, then this is something we can talk out and I will need to take extra special care not to hurt him as I explore. (I do this anyway.)

But, what if, like my ex-GF, my SO were just wired for monogamy and I knew that a certain level of jealousy was part of the package? Then the question becomes more difficult. If my SO had been built this way, while I don't think I would love him less, I don't believe that the relationship would have worked. At this point in my life - and it's not selfishness but self-awareness, I am not willing to compromise by cutting off such a significant part of myself.

I guess I rambled a little bit as a prelude to a question. Do you see your partner's attitudes towards D/s as stemming from upbringing, so something that he might actually change over time, or is it something so ingrained that his attitudes would never change? Or is there something in his make-up as a person that would not allow you to have an RL relationship outside your one with him - an outside relationship that would fulfill your needs?

Did that make sense?

Neon

 

[blanketpatterns]

Great thread... After a 5 year D/s relationship, I'm trying on vanilla again. I've been with a new man for eight months now. We discussed my "issues" and agreed to try things his way first. He's been very patient and me. I didn't even think I could have vanilla sex again. I very much enjoy being with him but it's not always satisfying. We've been having some unrelated problems and I'm not sure the relationship will last much longer. I'm at that cross roads now where I'm not sure which way to go if I move on from him. When I first met him I thought I'd just see how things went but there's no denying I like to be dominated. Unfortunately, there's little chance of getting involved with anyone in the lifestyle where I live now. I've just come back to Lit to start my soul searching.

 

[SummerMorning]

I guess I rambled a little bit as a prelude to a question. Do you see your partner's attitudes towards D/s as stemming from upbringing, so something that he might actually change over time, or is it something so ingrained that his attitudes would never change? Or is there something in his make-up as a person that would not allow you to have an RL relationship outside your one with him - an outside relationship that would fulfill your needs?

Did that make sense?

Neon

Ramblin's fine - when you ramble you might chance upon the pace less trodden. Ramble on rose, I say.

I see my partner's attitude towards D/s and sex in general not as a particular *result* of anything, more as a fact. I am not saying her attitudes would not change. She's open minded, and would probably not mind having a try. However, she is simply not that interested.

I like playful sex, I find all the "official" BDSM terminology too hardcore for my taste. I view it all as part and parcel of playfully discovering the limits of body and personality. But my partner doesn't have the same kind of attitude to sexuality in general.

Let's make it clear - she enjoys our sex life and would even like more of it. I would like more as well. But there is something missing - and that's the playfulness I associate with D/s, roleplay, etc. It's a mindset, you know?

She would never, ever, consider - for example - going to a theatre with a small vibrator. I would. I would find the idea fun and titilating. She would find it silly.

As for outside relationships, I can pretty much guarantee that would be a no no.

ech, eh?

 

[SummerMorning]

Great thread... After a 5 year D/s relationship, I'm trying on vanilla again. I've been with a new man for eight months now. We discussed my "issues" and agreed to try things his way first. He's been very patient and me. I didn't even think I could have vanilla sex again. I very much enjoy being with him but it's not always satisfying. We've been having some unrelated problems and I'm not sure the relationship will last much longer. I'm at that cross roads now where I'm not sure which way to go if I move on from him. When I first met him I thought I'd just see how things went but there's no denying I like to be dominated. Unfortunately, there's little chance of getting involved with anyone in the lifestyle where I live now. I've just come back to Lit to start my soul searching.

Soul searching, that's what we all do. We're born, we're children, we grow up and don't know what the hell we're supposed to be doing and what the hell is going on and we're not ready for it and oh goddamn it's so complicated ... and then we die.

Urk, that was a bit grim - sorry.

Well - to your topic - could you get the satisfaction you need online? Or is that impossible for you? Maybe you only need an outlet?

 

[blanketpatterns]

No problem, I've been feeling a bit grim. I just happened to see my subscription pop up just now. I should update... A friend had suggested to me that I come back here and to another site to be around like minded people. I guess he knew better than me what I was looking for. Friday night my vanilla relationship ended once and for all. I've decided to continue in the lifestyle. There's a lot more pressure in the vanilla world and I don't like the games they play. I went back to CollarMe also and I've already met two men in my area online. The only question left for me now is am I looking for an actual relationship or just a playmate?

 

[SummerMorning]

No problem, I've been feeling a bit grim. I just happened to see my subscription pop up just now. I should update... A friend had suggested to me that I come back here and to another site to be around like minded people. I guess he knew better than me what I was looking for. Friday night my vanilla relationship ended once and for all. I've decided to continue in the lifestyle. There's a lot more pressure in the vanilla world and I don't like the games they play. I went back to CollarMe also and I've already met two men in my area online. The only question left for me now is am I looking for an actual relationship or just a playmate?

Jumping right out of another relationship, you're definitely on a rebound. From my experience, that translates into fallout for someone else and possibly for you as well.

But that's just me.

 

[blanketpatterns]

You're absolutely right about that. I'm not in that big of a hurry (except maybe for a playmate ) and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone like I've been hurt recently. I'm trying to think with my head this time.

 

[Ann0714]

By Accident

I reconnected with an ex from many years ago. He was someone I knew fulfilled what I needed, though at the time I didn't know what exactly what it was. . . .

until we met again.

well, during one of our first rough n' tumble times, he dislocated my shoulder.

ouch.

now I can't do a single thing while I am in physical therapy and he is on the prowl for others, so I have to get out of that situation since something as serious as this needs monogamy, at least in my life.

 

[SummerMorning]

I reconnected with an ex from many years ago. He was someone I knew fulfilled what I needed, though at the time I didn't know what exactly what it was. . . .

until we met again.

well, during one of our first rough n' tumble times, he dislocated my shoulder.

ouch.

now I can't do a single thing while I am in physical therapy and he is on the prowl for others, so I have to get out of that situation since something as serious as this needs monogamy, at least in my life.

Hm ... yes. That sounds serious indeed. Hope your shoulder gets located soon.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Ouch is right..

well, during one of our first rough n' tumble times, he dislocated my shoulder.

ouch.

now I can't do a single thing while I am in physical therapy and he is on the prowl for others, so I have to get out of that situation since something as serious as this needs monogamy, at least in my life.

Monogamy isn't all that bad, you know.

 

[neonflux]

No problem, I've been feeling a bit grim. I just happened to see my subscription pop up just now. I should update... A friend had suggested to me that I come back here and to another site to be around like minded people. I guess he knew better than me what I was looking for. Friday night my vanilla relationship ended once and for all. I've decided to continue in the lifestyle. There's a lot more pressure in the vanilla world and I don't like the games they play. I went back to CollarMe also and I've already met two men in my area online. The only question left for me now is am I looking for an actual relationship or just a playmate?

Hi, just came back to this thread and read your post - I am so sorry for your break-up. Re: what you're looking for right now. Do you have to decide at this moment? Or can you just take things as they come? Neon

 

[FurryFury]

I don't advocate jumping into another relationship quickly but . . .

My first husband, with whom I was with a total of ten years and by whom I was pregnant at the time, walked out on me on a Sunday.

Within two weeks, I was with someone else and I still am.

That was 17 years ago plus some, 15 years married so far.

"Rebound" relationships can be bad but they can also work.

Just saying . . .

Fury

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't advocate jumping into another relationship quickly but . . .

My first husband, with whom I was with a total of ten years and by whom I was pregnant at the time, walked out on me on a Sunday.

Within two weeks, I was with someone else and I still am.

That was 17 years ago plus some, 15 years married so far.

"Rebound" relationships can be bad but they can also work.

Just saying . . .

Fury

It just goes to show there are no truisms.

 

[blanketpatterns]

Thanks everybody... for the input. I'm a little embarrassed to tell you what's been going on with me but it's all good. I actually chose myself a dom from CollarMe who lives in my area. We corresponded for several days online before we actually met. I was completely honest about my vanilla relationship, my feelings, and my state of mind... We're haven't had much physical contact as yet, which was his idea (definitely not mine ). It looks like this will be more of a daddy/daughter type thing than a D/s one but that's quite alright. I'm having fun and getting bunches of attention; something I desperately needed. I appreciate all the support and concern. I'll be around...

 

[SummerMorning]

Thanks everybody... for the input. I'm a little embarrassed to tell you what's been going on with me but it's all good. I actually chose myself a dom from CollarMe who lives in my area. We corresponded for several days online before we actually met. I was completely honest about my vanilla relationship, my feelings, and my state of mind... We're haven't had much physical contact as yet, which was his idea (definitely not mine ). It looks like this will be more of a daddy/daughter type thing than a D/s one but that's quite alright. I'm having fun and getting bunches of attention; something I desperately needed. I appreciate all the support and concern. I'll be around...

Well ... if it's good for you, then good for you.

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

KuriousTina, you responded to Perfect_Trust’s statement about her selfish ex with;
“*Rolls eyes* Personally, it could just be that men are stupid... That's what I'm more likely to believe!”

It ain’t just men who can be selfish or two faced. My ex knew what I liked before we married and stated she was into it as well. But as time went on, it became apparent that she was creeped out by my kink. The fact that she was aroused by what we did irritated her no end but it didn’t convince her that maybe it was the way to go either. Eventually, deceit and treachery spelled the end of that toxic relationship.

On the other hand, there is this. My current marriage is a different thing entirely. From the outside, we look and act as vanilla as you please (except for our dressing up for the yearly “Sexy Exhibition Show”). In the bedroom, my woman and I are just on fire. I got both of my nipples pierced and I shave (all over) daily because it turns her on and this makes our B.D.S.M. sex (twice a day minimum) so exciting, I can hardly keep up. That is a spectacular thing for anyone, let alone an “old” guy of over fifty!

As I said, it’s the good attitude which counts, not the gender.

 

[sexychik69]

Well ... hello folks. I guess it's been a while. A year. Or so, or more or less.

Now, stemming from personal experiences I won't go into, I've come onto a topic that's probably been done to death, but is a topic nevertheless.

When a BDSM relationship ends, do you find you have trouble adjusting to a new, more vanilla relationship? Do you find your previous experiences something you miss, something that you can't do without? Or not? Have you had this experience, of going vanilla, so to speak? How did it go?

My own personal experience is that it's very problematic and difficult. It's hard to talk about BDSM with a partner who is not only not interested, but potentially very much against such expressions of intimacy. It's also very hard to forget, or rather, to live without what was very much a part of one's life.

Putting it bluntly - I miss being used very roughly and viciously every now and again ... say every other evening.

Normally I read through a thread before responding, but this one hit too close to home.

I haven't had the pleasure of being in a 100%, full time D/s relationship, but I've come pretty close. I've had a handful of Doms, I can count them on one hand, all of which I feel like I've come closer to them than I have anyone else... and I never even had sex with them.

Right now I'm in a vanilla relationship. We tried the Dom/sub thing, but now he is claiming he "loves me too much to dominate me" when he knows in his heart that how to show his love for me IS to dominate me, not take something away that I hold so dearly. I miss it. I miss it terribly.

I have cravings all the time that I can't normally satisfy myself... okay, almost never myself. The only porn I download/buy is BDSM, the only fantasies I have are BDSM related, and the only thoughts I have sexually are even still rough and fierce. I love my baby to death, I really do, but it's so damn hard sometimes.

 

[sexychik69]

Thanks everybody... for the input. I'm a little embarrassed to tell you what's been going on with me but it's all good. I actually chose myself a dom from CollarMe who lives in my area. We corresponded for several days online before we actually met. I was completely honest about my vanilla relationship, my feelings, and my state of mind... We're haven't had much physical contact as yet, which was his idea (definitely not mine ). It looks like this will be more of a daddy/daughter type thing than a D/s one but that's quite alright. I'm having fun and getting bunches of attention; something I desperately needed. I appreciate all the support and concern. I'll be around...

I used CollarMe as well, so much fun...