Submissive 'Thought For The Day' Calendar 2006

[A Desert Rose]

incubus' sub... April 8, 2006

I think it's time you made this thread, doll.

Offering Service vs Obeying Commands

Dear RJ, I'm not at all narrow minded, I've just realised over my many years that some things just are . Thinking about why does indeed help understanding but it doesn't really change anything. With human feelings & emotions however, despite what the movies would have us believe, there is rarely a ëureka" moment when all becomes clear. Knowing & understanding that I'm a sub because I'm still trying to please my unpleasable father does not & will not ever change my being a sub.

We all come here for different reasons but as you say, we come here because we enjoy communicating with others about mutual interests and because it fulfils a need in us. We can either accept that simplicity and enjoy it or we can ponder endlessly about our inner reasons for wanting to do so. Talking here is fun & interesting. We learn & we communicate & offer our own experiences to help others. All good. As a small & somewhat silly comparison, what if we were all so caught up in the "why do I want to be there?" that we were all too frightened to go ahead & post. Most of us started out as lurkers, learned as much as we needed to know to be accepted into the community and then took that first, scary step out of ourselves. We talk & we argue, we teach & we learn, but we are doing it.

As for your most recent question about compatibility. In my experience people are as they seem & it's difficult if not impossible to change someone to suit a relationship. The person who was perfect for you at 20 may not be at 40, simply because people grow & change themselves over time according to their own experiences. One of the major mistakes that almost everyone makes is to settle for someone who is nearly perfect, despairing of ever finding the really right one. This often works out just fine as lives entwine, but sometimes those differences become more marked and present insurmountable problems. Then, unfortunately, it's major decision time.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Thank you my friend & for pointing me in the direction of this lovely thread.

 

[bronntanas]

Thought of the day for where-ever we are. Let's take a field trip over to the story ideas forum, where snowy bravely tackled the differences between D/s fantasies and non-consent.

From this thread: Nonconcent stories

A question:- Do those who 'get off' on rape fantasies also gain pleasure from the D/s scene?

Not always.

Rape is non-consenting. In most D/s relationships, one partner voluntarily cedes control to another. Occasionally there are brat or SAMmy submissives (which stands for smart ass masochists), who relish the "fuck me into submission" role, but it's frequently just that, a hot role play. As an actual relationship dynamic, it doesn't seem to go well.

I do know of one SM relationship (which is a horse of a different color) where the masochist thrives on "taken by force" rough sex scenes, but then, that's not a D/s relationship. The masochist is not submissive to the sadist. They do not consider themselves D/s.

Some of the confusion comes from people thinking or saying that sadism and Dominance are the same thing and that masochism and submission are the same thing. They're not. One is physical/emotional and the other is mental/emotional. Some D/s persons are not into role play, or scening or sensation at all. SM persons are frequently not into power exchange on a long term basis. When you have time, take a mosey on over to the BDSM forums and look around.

Snowy's whole post is here.

 

[chris9]

April 10th - words of Rebecca

Its not about the bedroom. Its about the entire exchange, Its about the focus and the clarity. Its about the security and the anxiety. Its about the sense of completion and living fluidly right in the moment over and over again. Its about the focus on my Dominant and how his happiness spills back on me. Its about the heightened awareness of the World around me and the barrier that exists between that and myself , which if I need it to be is always him. Its embracing all that he is , was and will be . Its leaning back into the knowledge that I am his with a soft pride whether he is with me or not. Its the knowledge in myself that nothing challenges that. Its about being caught off guard and trusting the Journey because he says its so .Then embracing the adventure be it small or grandiose. Its 'stuff' like that. The rest, the kink , the bedroom its icing.

Where that leaves me in the Poll I am uncertain . I have enjoyed considering it as much as I have struggled and still found no conclusion.

Found here

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

A glimpse after good advise taken, thank you Miss Chris

 

[snowy ciara]

It's pretty cool, huh? I didn't know I was here 'til I looked to see what Ms. Chris and Ms. Rebecca were up to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Let's try and finish this one....tradition is we usually try and do it before the end of the year, but who needs be so rigid?!!

April 11th - words of Quint

"Doesn't make me cooler than anyone else, but as I become more and more comfortable with actions I previously found new and wildly exciting, I do start needing to push the envelope. I'd say that I would require both parties to have thorough understanding of the risks and regulations before agreeing to undergo any sort of edgeplay. By thorough, I mean know the human body--yes, know the places on a throat that will cut off blood and what that process will do to the brain, as opposed to the places on a throat that cut off air and what that will do to the larynx. Know the physics of playing with electricity and the human body before directing a current through it. Know the psyche of your sub before you leave her in sensory deprivation. None of this should be a surprise to the dominant, and the submissive should have full trust in their dominant before any edgeplay occurs."

Edge Play

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 12th - words of Caitlynne

"If he really didn't have anything to do with your anger, then regardless of how he reacted, or how upset you were, I would go to him and admit what you did. Actually tell him, you took something out on him that had nothing to do with him. Take responsibility for what *you* did.

See if that doesn't open up communication with him, and if it does, then communicate honesty about your other feelings.

In any event, I'm not sure 'fair' is an appropriate word in a D/s relationship. Of course it's not always going to be fair, more so for a submissive than any other person in real life. We give up our claim to 'fair' when we beg for a collar.

What you can do, is be honest about what happened. Open up about the root cause of your anger. If it had nothing to do with him, seek his guidance and counsel about the real source of your anger and frustration. That is what he is there for--to guide you. In any event, he will need to see that you know it was not about him in order to re-evaluate his re-evaluation of the relationship.

Just my 2 cents. I'd be giving different advice if he had caused the anger so take that into consideration when you read this. If he genuinely had nothing to do with it, then you need to admit that, and show him that you see your error."

Some Things Just Aren't Fair

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 13th - words of Stefani

"I've met a number of really interesting people through Collarme.com.

I am submissive, and in the 9 months that I've been on Collarme, i'd venture to say that I've met at least 7 Domme's, both men and women, there.

I'm not saying I had sex with them all. Very few actually turned out to be sex partners. But I have met people, gone out with them, and had great times.

Two of the people I met are a married Dominant couple. They're both great. At first i thought we would end up playing together, they're looking for a toy, but in the end we just ended up friends. When i've been to their house, sometimes the wife will tie me to my chair as we're chatting - but it's all done just in fun, nothing sexual."

BDSM Dating Sites

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 14th - Kajira Callista

"pulling them off is the best. tighter tighter tighter as they slide to the end of a way too stretched nipple...tears fill your eyes, not from sadness just because...then POP! purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Buying Nipple Clamps

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 15th - words of FallenAngelsSlut

"I am not or ever cared about the size of my cock because I feel it dosent matter...
I love a big strap-on though! The intimidating look of it, the way it feels stretching me open! The Kong is the largest I have had and it feels so good... I love the thought of it jammed all the way up my little ass. I love it when I feel the balls of Mistresses cock on my ass. It makes me feel like a whore! I was warmed up with some smaller ones this last weekend and was made to suck them off... after sucking the huge one and going back to the 6" I found it felt small in my mouth and I could deep throat it real good. Mistress could really fuck my mouth with it and that was a huge turn on as well! So yeas I am a size Queen and Love it!"

Men Who Are Size Queens

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 16th - words of shy slave

"Finding BDSM, realising this may be a part of you can be terrifying and a difficult thing to come to terms with.
Society often disagrees with BDSM, (look at the recent thread on the husband in Iowa arrested for kidnapping and the contract he drew up) sometimes society is right to be wary, There are some strange people out there who can cause physical or mental harm to others.

How easy it would be to say that people who admit they are into BDSM are not like that, a BDSM 'us and them hierarchy' but its not like that either. People sometimes hide behind BDSM for their own multi-faceted reasons. Other people would say they are never into BDSM but have tried, blindfolds, silk scarves etc.

Think back to when you first found out about all of this, the range of emotions from relief, excitment, anticiapation to fear, disgust, personal loathing as you try and balance who you are, where you fit into this and yet continue to live in a world where its not the 'norm' to want a part of BDSM activities

We look at tick lists to find the right boxes to catagorise ourselves and in the beginning we may have clear ideas of how far is too far, but as we change, explore discover we have moments of wondering how far would we go.

I know I wondered if I was mad, a pervert, would suddenly lust for sacrifical virgins to whip and beat or would I start to find things that I once found abhorrent, acceptable.

I am often more surprised by people who are new to BDSM who say what their inner thoughts are than those who post little and semi lurk.

I came here because I wanted to understand specific things that I could understand, for example what does a St Andrews Cross look like, what is a flogger; my posts changed and I asked about more subjective things like punishment and pain.
I didn't share my thoughts that I may need psych help or I was scared of myself and the thoughts I had. There continue to be things I don't share here and I am almost sure I am not alone in that.

We talk very openly here, many have talked of their self-harming, their mental or physical issues and how they affect their life not just their BDSM life.

I hope that Sunnydawn and other people who semi-lurk will one day speak out and know that we are supportive as many of us have had mental health crisis in some form, but if they don't, I hope they at least find that they don't need therapy just because they have BDSM thoughts that don't fit into specific stylised boxes."

The Vicissitudes of Submissive Development

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 17th - words of cati

"I don't know about the woman having to be a "fisting virgin" for a man's hand to get mangled...if it really happens at all. I suppose it would depend on the strength of her orgasm and the contractions that go with. But a man could just try and relax his hand as much as possible to avoid that....and yes tuck his thumb inside the rest of his fingers, curling it and forming it into a duck beak shape.
The thing is, fisting is supposed to result in a whopper of an orgasm. Not much fun in being afraid that her contractions are going to crush you.
Then again the feeling of having your partner's fist buried deep inside you, has to be mind-blowing in itself *s"

Fisting

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 18th - words of graceanne

"God is the ultimate Dom. I don't get any masochistic thrill out of my religion, but I do get some submissive fullfillment, too. God is the ultimate dom, I think. He's loving, He's wise, and He sets up guidelines for us, and consequences. Sometimes we don't understand His guidelines, but we still need to follow them. And he requires submission to His will.

And those are all the reasons I go to church, too. It fulfills me, it's like a drink of water after a day in the desert. I go to church cause it's important to teach my kids about God and His word. I go to church to be with other Christians, people who believe what I believe and will support me in my faith."

Religion

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 19th - words of jadefirefly

"Grace basically said exactly what I was thinking -- you might get called slut, whore, or bitch during play, that doesn't mean that you are one. (Well, except a bitch... I work hard for that. )

I don't think that I could get in on it.. but then I am usually not the one calling people names, and you'd have to work pretty hard to find a derogatory racial name to call me, I think. I find most things that would apply to me to just be silly-sounding; the very few that you might find, though, I don't really think I'd get off on it.

Overall, though, I see no major differences between racial names and any sort of derogatory name-calling. You either like it, or don't.

Like cheese. (I like cheese.) "

Race Play

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 20th - words of Shankara20

"I will do pee play, but agree on the others. I had a breath-play experience while tide down and will never never do it again. I don't like humiliation play but will do service play.

I might do a cutting for body art and for the experience. And I really really want to experience a flesh hook suspension. But I can not see myself being branded. I have helped hold rituals for several brandings. In '82 I received a severe leg burn that required surgery from an automobile accident that my wife died in. While I enjoy fire play, both give and receive, have bunches of tattoos and body piercings I can not get close to the idea of being branded - yet."

Line You Would NEVER Cross

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 21st - words of siren319

"I'm 100% sub, I've trained Doms but from a third party perspective, for some reason this is different for me. Its like tutoring, I don't have a position. My husband bucked my whole sub thing for a real long time, but a couple weeks ago he comes out with his desires to be dominated. Not just a little dominated, not a weekend of fuzzy cuffs etc. Seriously my first instinct was to find a Domme that would suit him and just consent but he is deadset that it should be me and I am totally lost. Telling someone how to train a female sub (which is the extent of my DOM experience without being on my knees... seems totally different than doing this with my husband. In reality, I am totally turned off by the idea of dominating him... but I will attempt it because I feel like I should. I've been the first for him in a lot of things... and I can understand why he might be more comfortable with me... but seriously I married him because he came accross as naturally dominant.. would dominating him change everything?"

Is "Switch" The Most Self Aware Label?

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 22nd - words of NemoAlia

"Yeah, when it comes to using implements properly, I prefer a Dom who's tried them on himself (or had them demonstrated on him) previously. Of course, the Dom probably didn't get the benefit of subspace, masochism, or loving attention during his/her trial run (so there's only so far that the comparison between the Dom's self-torture and my experience) but it's certainly worthwhile for a Dom to learn what s/he can about the submissive's perspective."

Use Of Implements

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 23rd - words of serijules

"Gosh it's weird to read back on posts like this and realize how much has changed. The relationship spoke of in the post ended not that long after this post was made, and oddly enough, the lack of a collar or her unwillingness to go in that direction WAS a factor in our break up. I needed to know she would at least consider collaring me, she didn't want to be "tied down" like that. That led to insecurity on my part since she otherwise acted like I was hers in every other way, and that just didn't work very well for me. (There were many other reasons for us parting ways, but that was a biggie). It's funny how I tried to make excuses and defend the reasons for a lack of collar in this reply; reading back on it I can read between the lines and SEE that defensiveness and read that "I'm trying to find the good in a bad situation" tone. She was a great Top and a good friend, she just wasn't the person I was meant to be with.

My feelings on collars are still much the same as in that post, but I will say that being collared for two years now to someone that I knew I belonged with even when I was with others...I'm very glad that things worked out the way they did, and I was "saved" for D so to speak. I love my slave collar (see AV) and my everyday collar, they are a comfort for me. The meaning the collar holds is credit of the relationship, but the collar itself is a wonderful physical reminder."

What Do You Believe A Collar Represents?

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 24th - words of gingermango

"IMHO, a sexually-healthy marriage between truly compatible people should result in both partners feeling satisfied and happy, however they work out the details. Whether it's with one another, or with other partners with each other's consent or however they choose to work it out.

If on the other hand, one partner has an un-shared urge or desire that is too strong to deny (e.g., NOT a passing whim), one that causes him or her to contemplate breaking whatever type of fidelity the two of them share, there is a problem.

The solutions to such problems depend on the people involved. There is one particular activity that I enjoy a great deal but Goddess does not. However, within the bounds of our marriage, she encourages me to seek out that pleasure from others so long as she knows about it and is present at the time (we play together as a couple from time to time). Were I to go find a secret way to satisfy my desires in that fashion, I would be breaking my vows to her and would be unfaithful in a way that would be hurtful to her. But under our groundrules as they are laid out, we have reached a compromise.

Similarly, there are several activities Goddess enjoys that are not my cup of tea. However, they don't make me angry or upset to hear about. I do them with her because they excite her and make her happy, not because they bring me any great pleasure or joy in and of themselves. However, making her happy and bringing her joy DOES make me happy and bring me joy in return. So we have a self-fulfilling cycle, a positive-reinforcement loop, in technical terms.

On the other hand, if her or my desires (those that the other partner cannot or does not wish to fulfill) caused anger, jealousy, or some other unhappy reaction that could not be worked out, there is a strong argument to be made that the people involved are just not compatible in important ways. And I know this from unpleasant personal experience."

When Does A Session Cross The Line Into Infidelity?

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 25th - words of His_Pita

"I love being my Daddy's little girl but no way would I want to do infantilism. I have done child care for over 20 years and diapers hold no appeal to me whatsoever."

Unusual Fetishes

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 26th - words of caela

"From the perspective of someone who has/does play the third on ocassion for fun I have to admit that I am not sure if I could do the same thing for a commitment. Some friends of mine have an open relationship which works very well for them and always for some interesting play variation which I am glad to be a part of.

Skipping the details, while I adore them both I don't know that I could have the same sort of relationship with them if it went beyond play. When it comes to commitments I am greedy enough to want to be my partners primary focus even if we both play with others on the side. Among friends however it works for me as long as everyone knows what our roles are and whose going home in the morning."

Adding A Third To Your Relationship - For Fun or Commitment?

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 27th - words of ammre

"Communication. Understanding.

Think of the pyl as a very very expensive and irreplacable toy. You want to use the toy, maybe even "force" it to do some things, but you woudn't break it, or hurt it, becasue then it won't work right, or it won't work at all. That's sort of the level of basic care a PYL has to have for a pyl for the expierence to work.
Real force has no concern. The goal is not to have sex and power together, but just pure power. like a rapist woulnd't rape becasue he's horny. There's something entirely different going on in their heads. I don't know anyone who truely wants that.
That's a lot of where understanding and communication come in. Safe words are very good so that there's a level of "force" but it won't go past the point of hurting someone. Some couples (like cat and fran) are so intune with eachother they know exactly how far to push without really screwing the other up.

I read the non consent stories... yes i find them hot. BUT, 98% of the time i get these painful nagging feelings that i would totally fuck any person up who tried to force me to have sex. I work in a women's center. I'm safe zone trained as well as trained by the sexual assault team. I'm a raging feminist and i can't turn that part off in my brain, but if i knew someone cared for me, and there was a good connection there, i can be cajoled or "forced". So long as i know that with a word, or with a proper response, power will be returned to me"

Forced Submission

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 28th - words of Blushing Bottom

"Intersting point you make. This was the very conclusion meant to be drawn from the lesson presented. All direction comes from the Dom and the submissive's task is to follow direction and express her surrender fully. If she does this correctly the rewards are manifold and is as nearly to other-worldly as I've ever gotten.

Also interesting how you focus on the submissive's NEED which is to please her Dom by offering mind, body & soul for His pleasure.

A good submissive understands about discipline and craves enlightenment...

...but I'm not sure what being a red head has to do with being bratty???"

Original Oral Question

 

[catalina_francisco]

April 29th - words of Chicklet

"Marquis, that third picture brought me my first smile of the day. I went to the dentist on monday and i'm still swollen and sore as shit, so that first smile gave me a gigantic shooting pain through my face. I don't know whether or not to thank you "

Who Knows How To Twirl A Flogger?