The All Inclusive Calendar of 2008

[bandelero]

23/01/08 words of caitlynne in the thread:Friends With Benefits AKA My Dom Dumped Me

A great attempt to deal with the online/RL dichotomy. I have bolded the parts I liked best.

<Quote> We all know and understand that experiences in text are real. No one denies that even in text, emotions can become real. There are epic love stories about lovers who only had letters to keep them warm, and we all cry when we read about such love stories. [OK maybe only *I* cry] Soldiers during WWII only got letters from their wives or girlfriends to keep their love alive. Text works. It does. No doubt about it. That experience is real, and intense.

But, you cannot equate text with the physical. It is apples and oranges. No one is saying your experiences aren't valid. No one. They are just not the same as a couple doing the things face to face that you are talking about doing in text.

This debate is as old as this forum I think, and we go round and round each time. On-liners defend their relationships, which is passionate and good in my book. Face to facers shake their heads because it is like trying to explain childbirth to a man, you simply have no way to wrap your brain around the fact that face to face is different than text.

Different is not invalidating your on line experience. No one is saying it is make believe, which is the real reason I think so many on-liners get offended. You think we are saying you are make believe. We're not saying that, we're saying it is not "face to face", and that is a BIG contrast to text.

As a person who likes power exchange, on line won't give me the fulfillment of that desire. The others are right, the off switch is right there. I can pretend I have given up power, but it won't give me the result I seek. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it just doesn't cut it when it comes to power exchange. I recognize that. Text doesn't deliver that, while face to face does. There are things that can't be done in text. There are things that sometimes can't be done face to face. They are different mediums. They are not the same.

Saying they are not the same does not mean your experiences are invalid. Your experiences and your emotions are all real. But you simply can't compare non-face to face with face to face. It's like saying watching a travelogue of a trip to Paris is the same as being there. Sure you can look at the beauty of Paris on the film. You can even fall in love with Paris watching that film. But what you'll never be able to do watching that film is smell the flowers in the spring, or feel the breeze on your face. See? it's different.

All that said, if you like on line--go for it. Embrace it. What does it matter if it is different as long as you find it fulfilling. There are still things I can enjoy on line as well. The co-writing can lead to some interesting places in fantasy and be very revealing about my own nature. It has a place and I still enjoy some of it because of the places it can take me. We'll often go places in our minds that we'd not venture to go in real time. It can be an inner discovery of deeper truths. It has its place even for those of us who have [or have had] face to face.

But let's not confuse them with being equal experiences. They simply aren't. They are different. All valid, but different.

And just as a point of interest, any on-liners might want to listen to those who have done both, because like others, I've never known anyone who was face to face think it would be cool to just go text--unless they were forced to do it by circumstances beyond their control. </Quote>

 

[Homburg]

Gotta agree, Bandelero. That was a brilliant post.

 

[Etoile]

Feb 3rd (if you count the last few posts as their dates in order)

Netzach, in I bit it off, now I have to chew it.

WARNING: I am not an accountant. I am asking the questions my accuontant asked me, and I am only an internet idiot saying that. BUT

are you dividing the footprint of your house that is his workspace and writing that off if you rent? Storage of all his nerd detrius (we have lots, but M is not self-employed) 1/2 client meals if any meetings? Anything whatsoever done to the comp, any outside repairs. Anything bought for research, books on his industry.

Sorry. As you can see I default to solution mode myself. I just hate to see people unhappy or paying more than they should.

(it's not kink-related, but it's good advice!)

 

[h_i_s]

February 4th

Catalina, Since we talked about abuse and BDSM lately

I am always wary of such stories of how someone from and abusive situation has been 'rescued' for want of a better word and steered in the direction of D/s under the guise that this is who they really are but just didn't know it. To me, it is often a situation of the abused being ultra vulnerable and someone exploiting that history of abuse and the subsequent mindset it places the abused in to get their own needs fulfilled. Yes, this story seems to have a positive note, but as EG said, it is about the people involved, and still does not convince me she is a submissive as much as ready and sensible enough to embrace the offer of stability within a relationship and guidance where she is not at this point in time able to provide on her own.

It could be she has a family background which poorly prepared her for handling life well, didn't teach her life skills, and left her floundering for direction and her own power and self esteem. This a submissive does not make. Leading her into believing she is submissive is not a huge step up from conventional abuse IMHO if it is not who she is, just another opportunist playing on her weaknesses and exploiting her in a way they know she will have least resistance as she has not been in the habit of being able to make her own decisions, choose her own path etc. While she may have needed to develop boundaries with faily, it might be just as true she is being set up for isolation from family which is common in abuse situations.

Maybe it is just me but I much prefer hearing stories of people who have chosen submission as their desired role from a position of power and informed choice, not vulnerability and straight from a relationship based on abuse which will have left them damaged and in little position to make an unbiased and unencumbered choice right for them and their future. IMW submission takes an enormous amount of strength and does not translate to someone who has been abused and needs another to take power over them. Emerging from abuse requires strength, empowerement and knowledge, not another standing by with a collar and leash and telling you this is obviously your true destiny.
Catalina

I especially appreciate the bolded portion of this post.



ETA: What great use of my 4,000th post. Very kewl...

 

[HottieMama]

Feb 5th

Words of coy_one

Everything is so right-so what is wrong?



I was married to a man that never complimented me. It didn't matter if I was fat or thin - if I worked or didn't work - have a brain, a degree.... none of it mattered.

And then, I learned how to love myself. To truly love myself. That perhaps the man I was with didn't know how to express himself, or didn't know how to love me in the manner that I needed.

I found solace in my friends. In my family - in the people that DID love me. Not waiting for my exhusband to come around. I looked to the people that gave me the validation that I needed. I looked at how I cared about others, and found that I was the person I wanted to be. That I had amazing inner strength that helped me get through huge trials in my life - that I had success in my career - that I had goals I made, and routinely made them.

I am a valuable person, and I don't need someone to give me that validation. They aren't lies to myself either. If anything, it was the truth of myself that I was denying myself.

I have been recently dating a man, and we discussed that because of some bad past relationships, I am a bit on the neurotic side to the point of going overboard. But, I make the conscious effort to say to myself, "This man is different. Until he shows me otherwise, I will make the effort to give my best in the relationship." And it has worked.

While you can ask for someone to give you a bit more validation, I don't think it's healthy to revolve your life or your being around that person's validation. In fact, in some ways, you lose yourself when you do that. You keep looking for that validation outside of yourself, when you really need to look within.
I was always hoping that my exhusband found me attractive. But no matter how much I worked out, got my nails done, my hair done, etc - he never gave it to me.

Now, I don't need it. Because I know I'm a beautiful woman, not just outside but on the inside.

You not only shortchange yourself - but the relationship as well. By coming together in a relationship, and realizing that you are looking for someone who can enhance you - not be that missing piece, you can have a great and mature relationship. Otherwise, you end up sabotaging the relationship by thinking "If only he did this..... I would be happy, secure..." You need to find that within yourself.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=568845

 

[Homburg]

Feb 6th

Netzach from Don't Beat Me!

It's something you can work ON alone, it's something you can possibly get past with the right person right time, lots of conversation, right attitude, patience etc. Maybe. Maybe not.

I will say that if you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get over it, it's less likely to happen smoothly and it's more likely to be hard and not happen. This is where other people become handy - we're really good at 1. grounding a person in the objective reality at hand "it's ok, look, you don't have to kill me, you're safe" and 2. throwing in other variables that actually can mitigate panic and suffering. Like, oh, sexual arousal.

That's pretty much how most SM play works.

"Oh shit that hurt sonofabitch"
"Oh but you're OK, you don't have to hit me back, look how hot I am and how turned on you are *hump hump*"
"Mmmm, I'm horny....do it again"

Basic synopsis, vary it around, but as a narrative it's as solid as Oedipus.

It's probably more likely to work well if the sensation is question is explored in a really pressure free, non results-oriented way, almost like "hey did you see that?, huh. Oh now it's not there, hey look, I'm kissing you now (or screwing or spilling warm wax on you) now and it's just me" kind of way.

After it's reached a point where you can feel a little more casual and a little less terrified, after a lot of viewing it rationally and talking about it. You need to go there with a smart top, you've talked to a LOT in advance about it, who's not bored by that, and also not so wrapped up in "I shall help you past this little woman" that they want the credit. The credit goes back to YOU.

Good stuff, on many levels.

 

[bandelero]

*nods to Homburg's choice* Netzach = sassy, smart, sensual...an alliterative delight

 

[FurryFury]

February 7, the words of Serijules:

I understand your concern dove. We've been together a long time and been through a lot....I'm not new to this in any way or form and have been through some bad relationships where she's been there for me through it all as well...so I'm pretty secure in the choices I make, and in the choices SHE makes.

My point in this post really was....underneath it all, no matter how far you push and how hard you hurt, there is LOVE. That, in a sense, is our safeword. If there was no love there, it would be dangerous in the way that abuse is. If the love wasn't there, the chances of unrepairable harm and whatnot would be much higher. She can, and will, push and push...she has many times already and everything is ALWAYS not only ok, but it leaves me hungering for more. It's just simply our kink, something we both share that we've never been able to trust anyone else with but one another.

Our relationship has grown to a point where yes, I know that no matter what happens, it WILL be ok, because of the love we share, the understanding we share, the experience we share. Even if something goes horribly wrong....she will be there, we will get through it together. You can't do something like this successfully without having that kind of faith in one another and in your relationship. Coming to a point where we can push this and play with it is something we both enjoy, a lot.

Not that it matters but just so you know, we don't use the term "Mistress". She's my owner.

http://forum.literotica.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=26002522

From the thread:

The Horny Slut Diaries - Darqueness

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=570771

 

[FurryFury]

February 8, the words of Doveofserenity:

Hi Little Kitten,

First off, be sure of yourself. Once you are sure of who you are, opinions of others on forums such as Lit and CM do not matter as much.

You are you. Whether that be dominant, switch, submissive, slave or just plain vanilla.

The shyness, whether on a forum or in r/l; is something that will fade away the more sure you become.

When i first started here on Lit, even though i knew and was sure i am/was/always will be submissive; the shyness played a major factor.

One who is shy tends not to want to reveal a lot about their personal lives to people that are just names on a screen.

MAKE FRIENDS

Whether on Lit or in r/l; make friends that are intested in same things you are. Whether its everyday stuff or Lifestyle stuff. That can help get you over the shyness.

Take care and hope you find what you are looking for.

From the thread:

I don't fit in.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=571633

 

[doveofserenity]

~blushes beet red~

Thank you, FF; for the honourable mention. Now i am gonna be even shyer about posting, sheesh.

 

[FurryFury]

~blushes beet red~

Thank you, FF; for the honourable mention. Now i am gonna be even shyer about posting, sheesh.

You're welcome but it's supposed to make you post more not less!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

February 9th, the words of Netzach.

I never really thought about it that way, because we do play with power often, so to me the whole "egalitarian = vanilla" thing is kind of getting overhauled in my brain by this post. Seriously good food for thought, thank you.

I think it's less showing up on the same part of the power diagram, and more a willingness to acknowledge the things that he's way way way better at and smarter about in me, and the things that I'm way way way smarter about and better at in him. But I guess this is a kind of equilibrium, too.

I think for a lot of people it does present an obstacle, and I'm not insulted by the implication. For me, personally it does lend a little something to the proceedings to play with someone who could flip me but isn't - it's another level of self-control and another aspect of surrender on their part, in some ways it's something extra that I feel like I'm being given in the process on their part that isn't in the mix with someone who doesn't have the ability or desire. Overcoming my first-level impulse to top T, is part of something that contributes to what I call the "tiger on a leash" factor in my bottoming. I'm not a bedpost notcher - having M, my favorite tomcat and H, my human beagle, isn't worse than sometimes having T, my marginally tamed tiger - they're just different and the difference is exciting.

From the thread "May I ask the switches?"

 

[Stegral]

Words of Netzach:
(isolated BDSM blurt thread)

I think if you have a male bottom who really is interested in your pleasure and you explain that you expect his interest in your pleasure to mean that he's going to facilitate the sensations you want and this this and this are those sensations, an astute male sub won't really freak out, but will listen closely and do as the Lady said.

Thank you Netzach, it was what I was hoping for but past experiences have taught me not to be hopeful anymore the let down is too hard once hope gets up.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Tuesday 10th February.

The words of Serijules.

Assuming that BDSM is an easy and attractive opportunity for abusive people is like saying a day care worker or teacher is an easy and attractive opportunity for pedophiles. It happens for certain, but it's not the norm or something we should automatically wonder about anyone who says "I love working with children". That would be an absurd and pretty uncalled for generalization, which is about how I feel at the notion of connecting abusers to BDSM.

Abusers are abusers because they don't care about the people they are abusing. Dominants are not abusive simply because they DO care about the people they are (consensually!) "abusing"

From the thread: Does BDSM facilitate a haven for potential abusers?

 

[doveofserenity]

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Feb 11th
Think dates need updated in the calendar but:

From Snowy ciara on the Unhijackable, Non Sequitor, Rambling Thread

stream of conscious not really a rant sorta thing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think sometimes we take this whole BDSM thing too seriously. We get involved with all these deep dark discussions of the Reptile Mind, and what really goes on in the Internal Playground of the Perverse and we forget to laugh. We forget to fall in love. We get all "Yes Master" and "No Master" and You Must Follow All the Rules of BDSM's ONE TRUE WAY and then we start debating about these mystical rules that "everyone knows". No-one gets to make all the rules for all of us. There is no ONE TRUE WAY, but everybody starts arguing and bitching and being stupid about it.

I never watched a lot of Ally McBeal, but there was this one scene where the one lawyer (the curly haired guy who's on Numb3rs now) was sitting in his office chair and he morphed into a little kid as he asked "Where did the fun go?" cause he wasn't having fun anymore. I know a kinkster who's so bogged down in the Somber Reality of the Rules right now that it's not fun anymore. Being the submissive means sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do in a way that you don't like to do it, but we suck it up. Some people expect us to be that way ALL the TIME! There's no more joy in her submission and her Master is saying "it's not supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be work." But is it supposed to be work all the time? Where is the joy in that? I take a certain amount of joy in my submission, but I'm not a martyr. Do submissives have to be martyrs for the cause?

The other day, Ms. T and I were watching a movie and we started goofing around, throwing popcorn and fruit loops at each other and feeding each other different movie lines from BAD movies. And we totally camped it up. We both dissolved into giggles, and ended up in a pile on the floor (because I was laughing so hard I missed the sofa when I flopped down, and she fell over next to me) laughing our asses off. It was fun! And it didn't diminish her Domliness, or make me less subbly, even when I put fruit loops down her panties. I've been told that I was sammy and bad and Not a True Submissive over this, and there were a lot of disapproving faces at the munch this evening when I mentioned it. I was told by someone whom normally I get along with "I canNOT believe you pulled that shit and she let you get away with it. NO submissive of mine would ever dream of pranks like that." I managed to bite my tongue, but I almost blurted out "Maybe that's why you can't keep one. No-one can be a pillar of sobriety ALL the time." Honestly, I've been here for about 8 months and he's always looking for a new sub. He's gone through 5 or 6 since I've been here. Ms. T happened to overhear his comment and burst out laughing, and then said almost the exact same thing.

I don't think I could do this, if I wasn't with a Domme who not only appreciates my talent for the absurd, but occasionally indulges it. And if that means I'm not subby enough for you, then maybe you aren't Domly enough for me.
__________________
ciara

Oh so true, ciara. Beautifully said.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

That's so true. You have to have a loving relationship once the flogger goes back in the closet. Master and I have times like this. Also, when we are out in public we behave pretty much like a vanilla couple. If I was never permitted to goof around or occasionally laugh my ass off at him I think I'd have trouble presenting a nilla persona to the world.

I think that some PYLs lose the ability to laugh at themselves. It's like anything that a pyl finds amusing in that way somehow diminishes their power and control. It really is total bollocks.

L acknowledges that occasionally he does very stupid things. Just the other day he was making a sandwich and discovered we were out of butter, so he goes to the corner shop - and comes back with another loaf of bread instead. We both laughed over that one. You have to have moments of silliness and fun. It's not like you're stepping outside of your dynamic by laughing together.

 

[snowy ciara]

Thank you dove and Velvet.

 

[EmpressFi]

That's so true. You have to have a loving relationship once the flogger goes back in the closet. Master and I have times like this. Also, when we are out in public we behave pretty much like a vanilla couple. If I was never permitted to goof around or occasionally laugh my ass off at him I think I'd have trouble presenting a nilla persona to the world.

I think that some PYLs lose the ability to laugh at themselves. It's like anything that a pyl finds amusing in that way somehow diminishes their power and control. It really is total bollocks.

L acknowledges that occasionally he does very stupid things. Just the other day he was making a sandwich and discovered we were out of butter, so he goes to the corner shop - and comes back with another loaf of bread instead. We both laughed over that one. You have to have moments of silliness and fun. It's not like you're stepping outside of your dynamic by laughing together.

so very very true...

in one of our conversations during this visit, I asked Master if I pleased him, even though sometimes I was sarcastic and silly... I mentioned that some would see me as sammy or not a true submissive because of how I am... and he reminded me that it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks of how I should submit to him. All that matters is how he feels about my submission - - and that he sees my submission as a gift he cherishes..

thanks for showing off the silly side and that we dont always have to be so serious all the time. I dont think I could handle never laughing or reaching over in bed and tickling him and hearing him laugh and say, "oh no you did NOT just do that..." My joy in our relationship does not diminish my submission.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Pssst, can we take any subsequent discussion of calendar quotes to the relevent threads please?

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Pssst, can we take any subsequent discussion of calendar quotes to the relevent threads please?

Catalina

Yes Ma'am.

Sorry Ma'am

*stands in corner*

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 12th - words of Homburg

"Many of those symptoms are to be expected in suspensions.

Light-headedness is common when you mess with someone's cent of gravity and balance. Poor concentration is dead common. Show me a sub that can concentrate when in sub-space. Fatigue is VERY common. Suspension is draining, and can be very painful and stressful. Headache can easily be because of increased cranial blood pressure due to partial inversions and the like. Weakness will not be even remotely obvious in most suspension situations. And I don't know about you, but sweating is pretty common when I'm sexually aroused, and I've seen it in a whole lotta bottoms too.

Not saying the symptom list lacks worth, but I am saying that you need to apply discretion. I've said before that suspension is complex shit, and shouldn't be played with by people that aren't serious about learning the dangers (such as HHS). That is why I mentioned it but did not go into it in my thread. HHS is not something that is likely to come up in normal rope play, but might just cause Joe Six-pack to think before he strings up Jo-anne Six-pack.

Light-headedness, palpitations, tremulousness, and fainting are sure signs that something is wrong though. The rest? Common enough. Experience with the actual practice of suspension will teach this.

Easiest way to avoid the most common incidence of OI? Don't stand with your knees locked. The military teaches this in formation. Do the same in play, and you'll generally be fine. If you immobilise the legs, then you have to worry."

Harness Hang Syndrome

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 13th - words of Marquis

"I too believe BDSM to be a core aspect of my sexuality. It is there during my best of times and during my worst of times. It lifts me to the highest highs and sinks me to the lowest lows. Without getting any cornier about this, I'll just say that I don't think my love for BDSM or kinky sex is an addiction, but I've also come to terms with the fact that I am prone to sex addiction. While those two attributes of mine are obviously not entirely free of intersection, they are NOT the same thing, and I think that's often hard for people to understand.

I'm doing pretty well right now, but there have been times when I've engaged in really outrageous behavior with my sexuality. Porn binges that last for days, jacking until my dick is raw in spots. I think most guys go out hoping to get laid, but I can remember a time in my life when I would leave my house with the express purpose of finding someone to have sex with, cruising bar after bar after bar like a creepy predator. It wasn't even fun. I think that's a big sign of when it's become an addiction, that it isn't fun, it's just something you need to do to feel normal.

When it becomes more about regulating your mood or putting pain out of your mind or just a compulsion you can't deny, you usually know it, and I've been there. Unfortunately for me, it means that I'm not often the best ambassador for showing that BDSM can be a healthy activity that healthy people engage in.

As far as BDSM-specific addiction, I think that, for me personally, when my need for sadistic or dominant sex eclipses my ability to emotionally connect with my lover(s) consistently for an extended period, it's a problem. I'm certainly not against sex with strangers or objectifying sex, but when it comes to the women that I love, sex should be an opportunity to feel each other on a deep level. Not all the time, but as necessary, and thats a lot more than never. It doesn't have to be sickly sweet and it doesn't have to be missionary, but my immediate reaction towards intimacy should not be to retreat into a synthetic fantasy and a paroxysm of auto-erotic pleasure."

BDSM and Obsessive or Addictive Behaviour

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 14th - words of SubKekiLee

"When Sir and I are starting this journey , I had several limits I said I wouldnt do, one was swallowing and the other was anal sex, over the course of our journey I have wanted to be the best sub possible to him.... Which meant in my mind no boundries, I wanted him to own all of me... I wanted to be that girl for him. He always told me I held the key to this journey ...
While we are still in the beginings of walking in this journey I have overcome both of those and let me just tell you, he has me soooo interested in both of those.... Awhile back I decided to swallow for him cause I wanted to prove I could do it... Then we started on this journey of anal sex.. I had heard it hurt from some people and I had heard that it felt great..so it was a step I had to overcome in my mind...
Well I took that step last night, He didnt know I was going to tell him to take it... it was late he should have been sleeping.... I told him I wanted him to be the one to take it and to expand my horizons... when all was said and done all I can say is OMG!!!! it was amazing and I loved it.. and I had two mind blowing orgasms. He says he knew when I bent over I was going to tell him but Ill let him belive that.. =0) that might get me into trouble but ahh heck he said I had free reign this am when he left for work... I enjoyed it immensely as I am sure he did as well.. it was a peice of me I could give him that he now completely owns... mmmmm
Now in my mind he owns me completely and I wouldnt have it any other way.....

To my Sir:
You are truly an amazing man who inspires me to be on my knees at your side... and I truly care about you.... your pet...."

The Limits We Thought We Had Forever

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 15th - words of FungiUg

"Okay, a slightly serious response on the end here: I'm addicted to several computer games, World of Warcraft in particular. I also spend a lot of time online socialising, so that adds to it as well.

The thing is that it IS an addiction. And for some people, their computer time is a serious addiction, and we are talking like similar to alcholism or drugs.

If this is a relationship issue that is pissing you off, you need to sit down and talk it over. Seriously. Because it won't just magically go away. You need to set limits, guidelines. And for gods sake, get over that crap attitude of "he should just know how I feel", because no one does. You have GOT to open communication channels to get across how you feel. Never assume that your partner "just knows" (I don't care whether you are a man, woman or other: that whole thing of your partner knowing exactly what you feel without you saying anything is a myth.)

So here's a rule: if something is bothering you about your partner, talk to your partner about it. Don't go running off to bitch to everyone else. That is not respectful of your partner. Everyone has failings. You don't need to address them in an open/public forum. Go sort them out in private, and show some respect. I don't care whether you are BDSM, D/s or vanilla. Relationships are founded on love, respect and communication. So go do those."

This Is NOT What I Meant By Orgasm Denial

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 16th - words of ownedsubgal

"it's something we dabble in from time to time. things like having his cock all the way down my throat with my face buried against him so i can't breathe at all, or suffocation with pillows and blankets are what we do the most. i've actually passed out a few times from forceful deepthroating...the first time it was super scary, because of course you think you're going to die and start panicking like a maniac, but after i came to and realized i was relatively okay it was just another experience to add to the books.

lately i've been serving a Dominant who enjoys choking me with his hands while he screws me. and he doesn't play around with the light stuff...he will take his hand, wrap it around my throat and squeeze and squeeze until my whole head feels puffy and my face is discolored. he'll usually let up when my eyes start to roll, wait a few secs then go at it again. of course the fear factor is always there, but i think that's a major part of the appeal (for me anyway)...you're so utterly vulnerable and powerless, your life is in someone else's hands."

Asphyxiation