The All Inclusive Calendar of 2008

[catalina_francisco]

February 17th - words of serijules

"No, not hard to imagine at all. It's really as simple as different strokes for different folks. I'm not sure why this thread has such a strong "prove my point" vibe, kind of making me feel weird as I'm wondering if I'm somehow giving off vibes of trying to force how it works for me on everyone else, as I'm kind of GETTING that vibe from others. LOL

I know this isn't directed at me, so I'm just answering in a thought-process-sharing kind of way, not a debate...

Ma'am rarely has to punish me anymore either. She corrects me often, as Netz says, and I simply fix the mistake. I certainly want to please her and most people that meet us in person comment to her how extremely well behaved, polite and on the ball I am. I take PRIDE in that. I strive to grow on my own, I don't need her pushing me every step of the way, be it praise or correction. She expects that, and I give it.

But...sometimes the dynamic is stronger, edgier, deeper...and it goes further. We benefit from the release of it and we benefit from the stronger structure of punishment. The meaning or method is only important and valid to us. Thus, we use it in the relationship. Sometimes she doesn't feel like simply correcting me. Sometimes she feels like beating the snot out of me for it, be it minor or major. That's ok. I have no past history that makes that a negative thing for me, so I accept it and find a way to turn it into yet another opportunity to grow from it.

No reason at all punishment or lack thereof should be considered an insult to any type of relationship. It's a choice, like smoking or non, decaf or regular. Do you wipe from front to back or back to front?

To each their own. WHY it works or doesn't work for each person is to me, very interesting, yet really seems to get people feeling defensive. I think if we could put aside that defensiveness in general somehow, this topic would flow a lot smoother for everyone."

Punishment

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 18th - words of JMohegan

"In a casual encounter between consenting adults, and in the absence of coercion, threats, or force, I'd say that each person is equally responsible for whatever the heck went on.

I don't buy the submissive=child or person with lesser responsibility thing, or the poor victimized female thing, or anything else creating double standards in a consensual world."

I Want To, But I Know Better

 

[sexycaz22]

February 19th - words of Caitlynne

I think you're still missing the point of submission. Consent is an important part of submission. It's one of the few decision s/he can/does make. I've never known a Dominant/Sadist/PYL not to understand that in the beginning 'consent' is one of the equally held powers between the two people.

But I think you're confusing consent with power. A sub doesn't have power. S/he can give consent to certain activities that might or might not be engaged in. S/he can run down a list on a checklist, or basically explore boundaries and limits with a Dominant. That's fun and those limits can sometimes be pushed. Hard limits are discovered, etc, and the areas of consent are defined for both parties.

But consent isn't determining what happens in a scene or a bit of play. It just doesn't happen that way in my experience. AND more importantly a submissive, doesn't want it to happen her way. She's not "letting a Dominant do to her what she wants", because part of what she wants is to NOT be in control. You're not going to 'get' this unless you understand the role power and control play between BDSM partners. A sub wants to surrender her control for the most part.

Now, there are bottoms who do stay in control. "Do me" bottoms control the scene and get what they want from the Top and vice versa. But that isn't a power exchange, and it isn't D/s. It's kinky and fun, and people sure get what they need out of it, but the question of power isn't an element. People negotiate what they want and go for it. One is on top, another on the bottom.

I'm also almost certain that you are viewing this from a vanilla POV. In the vanilla world women state rather emphatically what they will do and what they won't do. It's seen as a power in that kind of relationship and women exercise it all the time either passively or aggressively. And in that context, it is power. It's power because power [other than the inherent power dynamics that exist all the time] isn't an issue or part of pleasure. It's not a fetish for either.

But power is an issue [and a fetish] for people in BDSM. It's a BIG part of the dynamic for many [maybe even most]. Power becomes polarized in these dynamics and that's the way the participants want it. No submissive is struggling over the issue you're presenting [well maybe some are--I hate to discuss things using absolutes]. We want to surrender. It's part of what we desire, just like oral sex is something that many women desire.

More than anything it is really a perception and a POV. Using your example, if a woman has the POV that she is "letting" a man do to her what she wants, then that is what she is doing. She's kept her power. She hasn't surrendered it. But, if a woman is submissive, she actually is going to surrender her power. She does that because that is HER desire. It gets her off, and it pleases her partner. It can look like the same thing is occurring in both examples, but in reality they are VERY different. They're different because the power is held by different people in each case.

I'm sorry there just aren't any simple answers to this. Power is an illusive quality. You can't draw a picture of it or hand it over in a little box. It is a quality that some people wield effectively and others respond to.

In most non-BDSM relationships that I've observed [and my career is connected to all kinds of relationships] power remains a fluid thing and is sometimes contested. Most fights between partners boil own to a conflict over power.

But in a BDSM relationship, power dynamics are settled for the most part. Power is held by the PYL and surrendered by the pyl. It's settled. The only thing not settled is the limits to power, and even those are often pushed. And that is enjoyed by all concerned in healthy D/s relationships. [if healthy is the right word to use.]

So, if you're looking for a definitive answer it might be this: For you, it sounds like you retain the power. You're doing a favor for the men you are intimate with. Which is cool, but you're not gonna find many submissives that feel they have the same POV as you do, even if the process might look similar.

The difference is that the submissive has not retained her power. She has surrendered it as part of the process. That's an intangible and not easily observed by someone outside of the dynamic. But it is a real thing in power relationships and not just some role play or 'feel good' thing we do for our men because 'they want to feel all Alpha and such'.

It has everything to do with the mind set of the woman in question and not the events occurring. A woman like yourself, retains her power. That is your mind set, and so it is true for you. A submissive doesn't want to keep her power. Her mind set is geared towards surrender, and for her that is her truth.

There aren't any sure fire absolutes when it comes to power exchange. But, in my experience if you fall to the polar opposites and need power to be at play in a relationship, then D/s works for you. If not, then it's probably not gonna makes your toes curl. You know what I mean?

From this thread: Who's the Dom?

((A brilliant post, me thinks!))

 

[VelvetDarkness]

February 20th ~ The words of intothewoods

You can't choose who you love, but you will look at partners and relationships differently the more you know, and I think you do make different choices once you have that awareness.

Simple but very true.

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 21st - words of RJMasters

"I have enjoyed or maybe a better would be appreciate many of the things that have been shared in this thread. So my thanks to Bunny for starting it.

I want to share an experience which was a pivotal one for me as a means to transition into something else I would like to share.

I was in my early 20's(about 24 I think) and was going on my 4th year of being married. As I look back on it now, I can see so clearly how stubborn, and arrogant I was and had so many blind spots about myself that I wince just thinking about it(lol). this pivotal moment happen by way of an argument that had erupted, and being the arrogant, self absorbed person I was, I blurted out in frustration and anger..."Damn it! Your my wife and your suppose to follow and support me and my decisions." I'm laughing as I remember the face she made when I said that. She looked at me in amazement and began to burst out laughing. Then she proceeded to tell me something that would change my life forever and my own perspective and view about myself. After she had finished laughing, she said, that it isn't that simple. It is one of the most scarcest things in the world to give up control to another especially when the other person your giving the control to seems to be unstable and an emotional roller coaster. She then asked me if I thought it was easy to follow a "man like me". The paused silence after that came out was deafening. The words, "A man like me" seem to just echo inside my head. She was right, I didn't have a leg to stand on. How could she or any woman for that matter give up control to "a man like me" who wasn't in control of himself, who was impulsive, inconsistent, selfish...you get the idea.

Why that was such a pivotal point for me was because deep down I wanted to be that man, the type of man that she or anyone would feel confident in, feel safe enough to submit to. It was a moment when I came face to face for he first time with the type of man I had become. I had been weighed and measured and I was found to be lacking.

There is much that could be garnished out of that experience that I just shared, but the reason I shared it was because it allows me to make a point which I think could be of help or at least to think about. My point is....

There is knowledge in this life which one cannot gain alone. At the risk of sounding like captain obvious, I say that because there are answers you are trying to seek, but the problem is, some of them answers cannot be answered through logic or reason alone. Nor can they be provided by just anyone. And that leads me to the conclusion of where I am going with this ramble...

You mentioned that you feel like you cannot trust your own judgment, how does one then know if they are making a mistake or choosing the right person? The answer to that is two fold.

1. One doesn't. no matter what you do, there is no way to mitigate the risk of relationships. It is for that reason they hurt so bad when they fail and are so rewarding with they succeed. Of course you already know all the pat answers of things you can do to try to ensure a better chance of success....compatibility, communication...yada yada....but at some point there has to come the Geronimo leap of faith.
2. When I say the word faith, I do not mean the wimpy version of that or "blind faith". Even though you may not be able to know completely, when one does make that leap of faith it should be based upon things from which you are certain of(i.e. the time taken to build trust, and all that goes with that process).

As I mentioned above, there are answers that cannot be gained alone nor can those answers be given to you by just anyone....one of the things which I believe allows one to know if they are with the right person or not, is simply the fact, that person they are with has the answers to the questions one is searching for. and by questions and answers I do not mean that just in terms of thoughts or knowledge, but that it also includes actions, wants, needs and other aspects of a person's being. This is often referred to as searching for the "right one" for you. A good bet that you found him is that when you spend time together, the things he says and does build confidence until at such point you feel confident enough to make that leap. If you stop and think about it, what has changed to allow one to make that leap is not based on luck or the drawing of the straws and hope you pick the right one....no, it comes as a result that the "fear" or the scariness of giving up control, isn't as scary anymore, because somehow, that person has built the confidence in you which makes such yielding possible and feel right."


Submission: A Painful Introspection

 

[RJMasters]

February 22nd - words of ADR

This all comes down to one simple thing:

Know yourself and be true to what you know. (Paraphrasing Shakespeare)

If you need a defense mechanism (which I'm not at all sure is what this is really about) and it works in your interests to make your life and those around you, better, then it's part of knowing and it's good.

If, in the end, it makes you more miserable and those around you imbalanced or worse, hurt, then some reflection is in order.

Know yourself and what works for you to be a better person and better for yourself, first. (If you can't be good to yourself, you're good for nothing and no one. I love double, triple, infinate negatives.)

It's really not difficult to understand. It's just very difficult to embrace and put to work in your life. And honestly, I believe it comes with life experiences and maturity. All the cliches, great quotes and platitudes in the world mean nothing until you reach a point where you finally have the discipline and wisdom to incorperate them into your life.

Projection v/s Reality

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 23nd - words of A Desert Rose

"We see ourselves differently than others see us. Usually, we are more critical of ourselves than others are, too.

I truly don't know if people who know me in real life would say, after reading my text here, that I am the same person they know. I'm inclined to think so, but again, my reality is MINE and their's is different. Which one is truer, I don't know.

I know certain things about myself. I am not a bully. But I'll tell a rube to fuck off here and in real life. I have little patience for foolishness and I'll say so if it's put in my face, otherwise, I'll keep walking (or click out.) I don't believe in wasting my time with comments that are not going to be heeded or will not be found helpful. I will back away from a fight and allow others to beat me stupid before I'll fight back. I do that here and in real life.

I know that profound circumstances change us profoundly. I know this is true for me. I'm not the same person I was 2 or 3 years ago. I know there are others here who can say the same thing.

If people don't change, they might as well be dead. If people can't make their lives and those of others around them better (than they might have done in the past) they may as well go live alone in a cave. And if people can't see the wisdom of others and heed their words (not to mean, that one must DO what someone says but acknowledge that there is experience and wisdom there), I have no time for those people.

We are the sum of lots of different things, people and circumstances that have come into our lives. We're always the same and we're always different. It's a wonderful fact of life.".................

"I keep thinking I'm done with this thread... LOL
And then you come along and say more things that make sense.

You said this: Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.

This is what I meant by wisdom and discipline. It takes discipline to change those things that have a negative impact on yourself and those around you. It would be easy for me to sit at this computor and call out some of these dolts for what they are. Would that be constructive? Nope. Would that change anything or anyone? Nope. Would I be happy with myself after? Nope. So what's the point and what's gained? Nothing. It's all time wasted that I'll never get back. Not to mention, it might be hurtful.

Some things would be easier to do. Important things take discipline.

And like you also said, we can find all kinds of excuses for bad behavior. I'm not going to list them, we've all read them. (My personal favorite is "I have a brain tumor, fuck you" although I've never used that one yet. LOL) There is no excuse. You own it, no matter what kind of behavior it is.

When I've been bitchy to someone because I'm having a hard time, I apologize for it and explain that I let outside events rule my life instead of controlling those events. That's not an excuse. It's an explaination for not keeping control of my behavior and my life. It's an explaination for not being responsible and disciplined enough to behave better. It's me owning my bad behavior and apologizing for it.

But in the end, if you're happy with and know who you are, then fine. Carry on. In my case, I keep finding that I'm not always happy with who I am and knowing I can be better than who I am."


Projection vs Reality

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 24th - words of minx1

"I know this stating the obvious but I think negative defence mechanisms are those which impact negatively not just on ourselves but also on the people who bare the brunt of them.
What concerns me a little i guess is that sometimes do we use this as an excuse? I mean is it a way of justfying to ourselves our negative characteristics.
Its learnt behaviour isn't it afterall.....shouldn't we just try to unlearn it rather than use the label as away of justifying bullying or bitchiness or abuse or possessiveness?

Not an answer...i'm just throwing it out there for discussion.

Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.
I have struggled with insecurity and possesiveness for a long time. Mainly due to previous relationships and the way my marriage ended. People are unreliable you know, I mean they have a tendency to keep leaving lol!

But I don't rejoice in the fact I am possessive. That to me is the equivalent of saying Woohoo everyone I'm a first class dickhead lets all celebrate that fact. Hell its a destructive trait I have, not one I am proud of and definitely one I intend to shed."

Projection vs Reality

 

[intothewoods]

February 25 - words of Netzach

I don't feel like my life or my love has to be perpetually "oooo whee blissful!" to be great. If that makes any sense.

Anything worth doing has resonance, ups and down, sorrows and joys, really boring and mundane little snapshots that just are.

If you net more positive experiences than negative then you're doing the right thing. But it's the whole that's beautiful. I'm not in love with my suffering, but I'm not so incredibly *scared* of suffering that I have to banish the very thought. That does seem rather empty to me, as empty as a relationship in which there's nothing BUT suffering.

Misery, Love, Relationships and Happiness Ever After...

 

[Netzach]

ADR blew me away today:

I keep thinking I'm done with this thread... LOL
And then you come along and say more things that make sense.

You said this: Its just that it appears to me that if we are aware enough to know we have a certain negative, behavioural trait, we should be aware enough to try and address it.

This is what I meant by wisdom and discipline. It takes discipline to change those things that have a negative impact on yourself and those around you. It would be easy for me to sit at this computor and call out some of these dolts for what they are. Would that be constructive? Nope. Would that change anything or anyone? Nope. Would I be happy with myself after? Nope. So what's the point and what's gained? Nothing. It's all time wasted that I'll never get back. Not to mention, it might be hurtful.

Some things would be easier to do. Important things take discipline.

And like you also said, we can find all kinds of excuses for bad behavior. I'm not going to list them, we've all read them. (My personal favorite is "I have a brain tumor, fuck you" although I've never used that one yet. LOL) There is no excuse. You own it, no matter what kind of behavior it is.

When I've been bitchy to someone because I'm having a hard time, I apologize for it and explain that I let outside events rule my life instead of controlling those events. That's not an excuse. It's an explaination for not keeping control of my behavior and my life. It's an explaination for not being responsible and disciplined enough to behave better. It's me owning my bad behavior and apologizing for it.

But in the end, if you're happy with and know who you are, then fine. Carry on. In my case, I keep finding that I'm not always happy with who I am and knowing I can be better than who I am.

 

[HottieMama]

February 27th ~~~Words of BiBunny.


Ok, I'm in the "never abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually at any time in the past" camp, so I can't help you there. But I will say that you don't have to be an abuse survivor or have PTSD to suffer from an inability to say when you've hit your limit(s). It happens to the best of us occasionally.

What you have to do is make sure that you choose a partner who's not all Billy Joe Badass about "I'll only stop if you safeword, and if you don't safeword, even if I see you freaking out, I'm not going to stop." Most PYLs with practical experience are not going to do something silly like that. It goes along with the whole idea of "If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore."

So my advice is if/when you decide to pursue a relationship with a dominant person, be sure that you're totally up front with that person about the whys and wherefores of everything. Basically, your well-being is at stake, and this is NOT the time to be cute and coy. On the other hand, a BDSM relationship is not a substitute for therapy. It's fine if you want to become involved in one because you think you'll enjoy it, but if you think it'll cure all your problems, that's not going to be the case. It's like any other relationship. You have to have your head screwed on straight before you go dragging other people into it.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=26327933&postcount=13

 

[BiBunny]

February 27th ~~~Words of BiBunny.


Ok, I'm in the "never abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually at any time in the past" camp, so I can't help you there. But I will say that you don't have to be an abuse survivor or have PTSD to suffer from an inability to say when you've hit your limit(s). It happens to the best of us occasionally.

What you have to do is make sure that you choose a partner who's not all Billy Joe Badass about "I'll only stop if you safeword, and if you don't safeword, even if I see you freaking out, I'm not going to stop." Most PYLs with practical experience are not going to do something silly like that. It goes along with the whole idea of "If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore."

So my advice is if/when you decide to pursue a relationship with a dominant person, be sure that you're totally up front with that person about the whys and wherefores of everything. Basically, your well-being is at stake, and this is NOT the time to be cute and coy. On the other hand, a BDSM relationship is not a substitute for therapy. It's fine if you want to become involved in one because you think you'll enjoy it, but if you think it'll cure all your problems, that's not going to be the case. It's like any other relationship. You have to have your head screwed on straight before you go dragging other people into it.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=26327933&postcount=13

Thank you.

 

[cherokee_dove]

February 28

From A Desert Rose, from the thread Projection vs Reality.

We see ourselves differently than others see us. Usually, we are more critical of ourselves than others are, too.

I truly don't know if people who know me in real life would say, after reading my text here, that I am the same person they know. I'm inclined to think so, but again, my reality is MINE and their's is different. Which one is truer, I don't know.

I know certain things about myself. I am not a bully. But I'll tell a rube to fuck off here and in real life. I have little patience for foolishness and I'll say so if it's put in my face, otherwise, I'll keep walking (or click out.) I don't believe in wasting my time with comments that are not going to be heeded or will not be found helpful. I will back away from a fight and allow others to beat me stupid before I'll fight back. I do that here and in real life.

I know that profound circumstances change us profoundly. I know this is true for me. I'm not the same person I was 2 or 3 years ago. I know there are others here who can say the same thing.

If people don't change, they might as well be dead. If people can't make their lives and those of others around them better (than they might have done in the past) they may as well go live alone in a cave. And if people can't see the wisdom of others and heed their words (not to mean, that one must DO what someone says but acknowledge that there is experience and wisdom there), I have no time for those people.

We are the sum of lots of different things, people and circumstances that have come into our lives. We're always the same and we're always different. It's a wonderful fact of life.

Very well put.

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 29th - words of nickolette

"Ahhh the wonderful and complicated world of relationships. I can accurately say relationships are a hassel, annoying, time consuming and very rarely turn out positive...if it wasn't for the fact that love is far more important to have and even more rare to experience in its genuine/unconditional form, I wouldn't bother with them at all.

I think love has evolved so much over the years, almost to the point of being unrecognizeable. Think of the divorce rate these days, in general I guess and not so much what it is per age bracket. There are so few marriages that survive longer than 5 years now, it's no longer pathetic, more sad, making me wonder if we as humans have lost the ability to love anoher person in today's world. Think of our grandparents, how many of them are divorced? Mine have been married for 50+ years and that bubbly love is still there and stronger than ever, seeing my nana act and giggle like a school girl in the prescence of my granddad is comforting to see. I can only hope to have the chance to experience 50 years with someone that still has the fresh feeling of love that the first year had, whether that's all a naive and wishful thinking, I don't know anymore.

I think love is hard, anyone who's been in love can vouch for that fact. I also think that because of that fact, a lot of people aren't willing to work for it and aren't willing to work at it lasting. I think the mindset for those who don't want to work at it is something similar to, if i can find it once I can find it again, going along those lines though, all that's going to happen is a string of ultimately empty relationships that don't amount to anything past a superficial attraction to another person, no emotional and lasting connection. With that said, I completely believe that it is possible for that initial excitement and initial overwhelming sense of love to last as long as we want it to.

Sure, over time we settle into our relationships, all that is really happening though is that we are becoming comfortable with one another, our love and affection for one another doesn't necessarily need to fade over time. I think once we establish a level of comfort, we enter the mindset that we don't need to try as hard anymore as we thought we had to in the beginning. To an extent, this is true. To a bigger extent, this is completely wrong. While, we don't need to try as hard once comfort and trust are built, we still need to try. All that comfort and trust are doing is making the relationship stronger and more stable and concrete...more "realistic" I guess, allowing our efforts to be more welcomed and appreciated. In the beginning, that little thing you may have done or something shared between the two people that was your thing doesn't need to stop as time goes on.

I personally think that the honeymoon phase only ends when we let it. Yes, we all have our personal baggage we bring with us everywhere, it's our carry on we can't part ways with, but we just need to learn when to keep that bag closed and not open it, for many people though that ability can take a lifetime to figure out. The best thing then would be to be honest and upfront about as much of the major stuff we carry with us everyday as we comfortably can, we don't want to scare the other person off from the get go, but they need to know the person they will be dealing with as early as possible, everything else is just a learning process only time can provide. I have my baggage, it's heavy and a pain in the ass, it's not going anywhere though. I let him know from the get go some of the most major things that a lifetime of friendship with anyone else would be lucky to find out. The fact that he's still around, not only amazes me, but makes me realize I should be fair and give him a shot, if he hasn't left by now then it;s going to take a lot for him to leave, in the meantime I may as well start thinking in relationship terms.

I think relationships in general are just hard and complicated. I think people don't understand that all the stuff we may have to go through in life can only be made easier to cope with when there is another person there to help us through it. It doesn't mean things are any more real than they were before a tough patch occured, it just means that we were able to work through it. The fact that we have these times to look back on with someone should just make any love we share with them more intense and meaningful than the superficial love we shared before getting to know each other over time."


Misery, Love, Relationships and Happily Ever After

 

[catalina_francisco]

March 1st - words of Your Captor

"I don’t think it matters what you label yourself as, you obviously know very well what you want, so don’t try to limit yourself by what others want. Just the same, don’t force yourself to submit in a situation you know is not the one you want to submit in.

Love is a tricky thing, there are no rules to it, it happens when it wants and how it wants.

All I can say is, try to be open to people, anyone could be that special one, (even if you hate them at first, trust me on that). Be patient until love comes around to you.

There is a philosophy I came up with, and it works pretty well. “You can only gain as much as you give up”, if you want love, first you have to love.

So give it all up, smile when you meet people, greet them as you wan to be greeted, give them attention like you wanted it, and eventually somebody will return the favor.

Also, I believe love can last a lifetime with the same intensity as always. However one should keep in mind that love is like a living being, and their lifespans very depending on how much care you give them and how much stress you put them through. "

Submission : A Painful Introspection

 

[Netzach]

3/17 madetotakeit:

I associate with this way of thinking. I am going to learn things about myself as a natural reaction to anything I go through. That is fine if it is my goal to find out more about myself, but it shouldn't be his goal. It should be a side benefit. All of my life I have been valued for certain qualities and that can get in the way of what I feel I really need. Having myself put first is not what attracts me. What I need is for someone who looks at me and who doesn't see for lack of a better term the human side of me. Look at me as something to do with as wished, exorcise whatever thought or desire he has. Don't do anything because I will derive pleasure from it, but accept that I will find pleasure in the fact that I was used for his pleasure. Sometimes I just need to be looked at as a what my body can provide. Part of doing that however is through the mind fuck. It's fertile ground. Get in there, bring to the surface the part of me that is dormant in everyday life. Disregard everything until the psyche and body are all that remains. By being broken down you can find yourself afterwards feeling more self-aware. To look in the mirror afterwards and say "this is how low I have gone and yet here I am being able to look at myself and be not only okay with what I did or where I went but to feel good about myself for being able to rise above it." That's not something that a Dom can have as a goal, but it is something that I can provide myself as a result.

 

[madetotakeit]

Thanks Netzach, you made my day!

 

[BiBunny]

March 3 (I think--correct me if I'm wrong)

Someone said to me that 80% of the people here are involved in BDSM because they think it makes them look cool. The other 20% are involved in it because they need it.

Sounds like you were leaning towards the 80% but discovered it wasn't for you. It ain't that big a loss, friend.

Explan the allure of domination or being dominated

 

[Homburg]

Thank you, darlin. I wish I could take credit for the 80/20 comment. The friend that told me that is a wise person, and a fairly private one. So I will attribute that concept to my unnamed friend, and thank you for including it here.

And a belated thanks to Catalina for including my words on OI/HHS.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

March 4th ~ The words of FungiUg:

"Real"? What is "real"? No, I'm not getting philosophical here. I am making a point. "Real" is what you (as an individual) determine it to be.

I always hate (read loathe, despise and other words of similar ilk) people who insist on telling others that there is a "magic formula" and everyone must follow it. Whether it be religion, politics or BDSM.

There are only people, and every person is individual and unique. So why do we think that we can all use the same rules or definitions?

Yes, we have convenient labels in submissive, dominant, top, bottom, slave, master, sadist, masochist, switch, etc. They are not definitions. They are labels. Every submissive is different. Every dominant is different. Etc, etc, blah blah blah. Talk to 10 different people identifying as a label, and you are likely to get 10 different (and sometimes contradictory) definitions.

Stop worrying about the labels, and just be. Be what you are and be proud of it. Yes, if you think you identify with a label, feel free to use it. Attach it to yourself proudly (with big stabby needles if you like.) It can help to find suitable partners. If you already have suitable partners, then forget about the label and focus on getting the most out of learning what works and what doesn't in reality. That's the real thing.

Oh, and however you determine to live your life or your BDSM play, be prepared for some people telling you that you are doing it wrong. "Oh, you are topping from the bottom!" "Oh, you're not a real sub, you're only a bottom." Etc, etc, blah blah blah.

What makes them the experts? What gives them the right to determine that what you are doing is wrong? Nothing! Nothing nothing nothing! You get to decide. No one else. (Well, your partners also get to decide in a similar way.)

 

[intothewoods]

March 5th - Velvet Darkness

Ok, the best way I can explain this is...

I always wanted to be a nurse. I knew I would enjoy being a nurse and that I could handle being a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

So, in time I went to university and learned all about how to be a competent and effective nurse, how not to kill people or get sued. Each day I knew more and more about being a nurse and itched to get out of my student's uniform and actually be a nurse. Was I a nurse? No.

One day, I graduated. I was given a registration number, a whole new set of uniforms and a post in casualty. Finally, I was a nurse. However, I had zero experience of actually being a qualified nurse, treating people according to my own judgement and being personally, legally responsible for whatever I did. So did I feel like a nurse those first few months? No. I was terrified.

In time I trained in a speciality, gained experience and became confident that I really was a competent nurse. I could justify my clinical decisions with reasonable certainty. I truly know that I am a nurse.

My BDSM journey was kinda the same. You can't say you're submissive until you've submitted to someone (whether online or RL).

How D/s changes us

 

[Etoile]

March 4th - Velvet Darkness



How D/s changes us

psst, 5th! *shakes fist at Velvet Darkness for beating me to posting that last one from FU*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

psst, 5th! *shakes fist at Velvet Darkness for beating me to posting that last one from FU*

 

[catalina_francisco]

March 6th - words of JamieB

"Much of this thread regarding age of consent and animal sex assumes that there's something inherently damaging about the act of sex itself that can scar and damage a person or animal. How utterly ludicrous.

Animals are fucking disgusting. Do you really believe that the same dog who willingly eats his own shit and vomit and masturbates on the carpet while you're watching Jeopardy! will be emotionally damaged by the opportunity to have sex with a human? Good lord people. We're transferring our own human taboos and revulsions onto an animal who is incapable of revulsion or taboo.

I mean honestly, do you really believe that, in the context of sex with a human, an animal is thinking "Oh my goodness, here comes that guy again. I have to do what he says, but oh this is terrible! It's so wrong because he's a human and I'm a sheep! I'm powerless to stop it! I feel so dirty! Oh so very dirty and humiliated! I'll never be the same again! My mother will know it as soon as she sees me! How will I be able to face her after his? I can hear all the other sheep muttering under their breath....'human fucker!' Oh I just want to die!"

I grant you the sheep may be unwilling, but if that's the case I suspect her thoughts are more like, "Hey. Quit it." To an animal, sex is just sex and maybe an opportunity to rise in the social hierarchy. WE are the ones who are fucked up about it.

And as for the age of consent, think about this: Who's better off, a 16 year old who runs off with a 21 year old and they have babies and build a life together...or a 35 year old woman who keeps falling for bad-boy types who use her and kick her to the curb? The 16/21 year old example isn't common now, true. Odds are the 21 year old would be arrested and thrown in jail for felony statutory rape. But it was pretty much the norm up until about 80 years ago. Are we so much smarter now, or just different?"


'Man'imal - Where To Draw The Line?

 

[intothewoods]

March 7th - JMohegan

If animals were actually given a choice, very few of them would have anything to do with human beings. Horny stallions wouldn't hump water buckets; they'd be free to fuck mares instead.

Animals suffer for human entertainment all over the world, every day. Rabbits bred and raised in cages to amuse toddlers. Dolphins trapped and trained to make audiences oooh & ahhh, while lining the pockets of Sea World's corporate parent. Etc.

None of this is ethically sound, in my opinion. But I do find it darkly amusing, in a very wry sort of a way, that society draws a line at sexual contact. The idea that peanut butter on pink bits to entice a cat is taboo, but caging a bird meant for the rain forest canopy is somehow okay. On the spectrum of fucked-up human reasoning, that ranks near the top.

Man'imal - Where to Draw the Line