The All Inclusive Calendar of 2008

[cherokee_dove]

March 8th - Evil Geoff

Re: Mentoring...(rules???)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I posted this to T3's discussion list a few weeks ago... No need to re-invent the wheel.


Rule #1 - If they want to have sex with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #1a - If you want to have sex with them, YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR
A MENTOR.

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #3 - If they try to run your life or deny you access to other
people or sources of information for your BDSM education, THEY ARE
NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #3a - If you are looking for them to run your life, make
decisions for you, tell you who you can see, or what you can read,
or who you can talk to to learn about this lifestyle, YOU ARE NOT
LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #4 - YOU, and only YOU, are responsible for wisely choosing a
mentor. DO YOUR EFFING HOMEWORK before asking someone to be a
mentor for you.

A mentor is a teacher, a guide, a sounding board, a friend.
According to Webster's - a mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
A mentor is there to answer your questions, offer advice, point you
in the direction to find the answers you need. They are there to
warn you when you are about to screw up... but they are not there to
save you from your own hormones or stupidity. A mentor needs the
ethics of a saint, and the patience of Job, the flexibility of a
snake and a spine of steel sometimes.

A mentor isn't a fuck-buddy, a friend with benefits, a play partner,
or control freak for _your_ life. Do not let a predator in mentor's
clothing attempt to use you.

Nuff said.

Finding Other BDSM Newbies to Explore Thread


Beautifully said, and so true.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Wow.

*Gets out broom and begins sweeping up dust and tumbleweed*

March 9th ~ The words of catalina_francisco: Learn to be a Dom

What you will find in reality is that many a sadist/Dominant/PYL will begin by being cautious, reluctant to go too far too fast, even declare some things as totally unacceptable only to later include them amongst their favourite acts. That in itself is not a bad thing or a sign they 'don't have what it takes'...being afraid they might hurt you is fairly usual for those beginning to explore and not necessarily a sign they are not Dominant. It shows they care, they acknowledge their inexperience, and also that they also like many pyl's on this journey, need to take steps at their pace to get to where they will eventually end up. I am wary of someone inexperienced on either side of the whip who wants to get to xyz from the first day or so, first couple of sessions, and find often it is based on a lack of recognition of just how much serious damage can be done with someone just letting fly with all their deepest, darkest desires, or plain old impatience...patience can be a well learned tool in D/s. So he's not the perfect Dom at this point, are you the perfect sub?

It takes time, it often takes more time just for them to feel comfortable releasing some of those desires, and even more so, who you are with can very well direct what desires come to the fore and what they feel comfortable with and accept. Of course, communication (both talking and listening on both sides) is also necessary. There are some things we participate in which were once on the 'never going to happen' list for one or both of us, but through communicating, exploring together, being honest about how we really feel, we have found them to be high on the list of things we love doing now. Some of those things are also things which though one of us (or both) wanted to try, we never wanted to try them with anyone else so they never happened with others. Without feeling comfortable enough to be able to open up those darker places of ourselves we would never have gotten there...and what one person considers dark, may be common place and a non-issue to another...everyone is different, everyone has different triggers, everyone has a different history and all these things contribute to what is going to happen in a scene.

Add to that there have been countless cases of people in D/s relationships who have found themselves in court or worse when a partner decided they no longer wanted to play or that things hadn't gone the way they wanted even though they consented and enjoyed them at the time, coupled with the prevalent messages in the community and media about domestic abuse, and you have yet another good reason why a PYL might not want to toss you around a bed straight away and manhandle you to their heart's desire just because you tell them you think you might like it...I also don't hold with it is 'the way a woman or sub should' be handled...not everyone is the same. Of course there is also the issue of it not being all about doing just what the pyl likes and wants...maybe he wants to try things you are not that keen on or don't work for you, same as some of the things you want might not ring his bells (maybe he really does like to pull your hair while doing doggy until you get a crick in your neck..I know someone who would make a point of doing it if he knew that was the result)....once again it is about communicating, compromising at times, experimenting, finding ways to step it up for each other, but above all building trust both ways in terms of venturing into this play. Bottom line though, if you feel he doesn't do it for you and never will, it might be you need to end the relationship and find someone who does work for you...only you can answer that.

 

[Etoile]

March 10

What both of you have said makes perfect sense to me and i agree. It also goes a long way to convincing me that i am not really all that submissive. i wish to be dominated for sure and i am also very obedient but i do not surrender my soul easily even to a Dominant i love and when i do it is often temporary.

My personal kink revolves around being property. Property with no rights but also without the burden of having to willingly submit. Don't misunderstand me. i do not require my Dominant to physically force me to submit, i am mechanically very obedient but i have a hard time surrendering my mind and heart, in fact i delight in trying to conquer my Dominant's heart and mind but am disappointed if i am so successful he is no longer in charge.

Something that has frustrated Dominants who play with me is that i actually am willing to cross so many lines; blood, scat, whoring, etc but i always want to do it in the framework of being a little girl and i am insanely stubborn about this. i don't even want to say it is real ageplay because i don't really play up the role play that much beyond using a few key words to make it feel right and keeping the clothing on the more innocent side but i do require things from my Dominant that are very little girlish. Remind me constantly to keep the rules so i know you are paying attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Say sweet things to me at the same time you are applying ben gay to my clit and pliers to my nipples. Keep me safe from myself because i am a reckless and impulsive little girl but don't make my cage so small or my leash so short that i hate you.

i define myself as a toy; wind me up, push the buttons and see what happens.

Anyone really just like the idea of domination

 

[graceanne]

March 11th - words of kinkyknickers

If you never questioned yourself, then you'd be an egotistical self righteous wanker. That's what plenty of people are and you don't need to identify as a dom for that one.
I'm switch, and the only time I find myself questioning is when I actually love the person I'm playing with. Otherwise all bets are off.
People grow and change and your questioning is a healthy by-product of that.
Keep growing with the one you love.
Beat her and hurt her if that's what she wants, if it's not, she'll let you know. Subs are only submissive not incapable.

Crisis of confidence

 

[graceanne]

March 12th - words of Etoile

I think the wording is important. "Born to be a sub" or "born to be his sub" is not the same thing as "born a sub" or "born submissive." I think we can be born with traits, but not destinies. Sometimes our traits lead us to our destiny, sometimes our destiny shapes our traits. But I don't think we are necessarily born with the fate of becoming one thing or another - we were put on this earth for so many more reasons than that. I believe that we are put on this earth to love each other, and while that includes D/s, it isn't exclusively about D/s. IMHO, the only people who were "born" to be anything are subsequent children who were born to be donors of cord blood. The rest of us make our lives what we want them to be, either by doing things or by letting things happen.

None of us is ever, at any time, not the master of our own fate - the catch is what fate you want to have. If someone is kept locked away and isolated from their family and friends by their master, and threatened with death if they leave, then as long as they are there, they are allowing themselves to be there. The alternative fate they can choose is their own death (or their master's death, as in one familiar case). Similarly, if one stays in an abusive relationship because it's the only way to keep the kids under their own control, they are allowing themselves to be there. The alternative fate is running in the middle of the night with children in tow and going into the Witness Protection Program.

There are always alternatives to one's situation. One is never "born to be" something or "forced to be something" - sometimes the alternative is death, but there is an alternative.

Born to be a sub?

 

[Etoile]

Thank you gracie...that is a much-appreciated gesture right now.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

March 13th, the words of Kayleira:

First of all, I think you still mourn over the loss of your partner. Yes partner, not Dom. You know, some relationships just leave those darn marks, that won't fade...

In addition to the strong feelings for your partner you had a D/s relationship. You know, submission is a great gift which cannot be given half hearted and tends to leave you vulnerable. You submitted and gave yourself away, without saftey net or other precautions. Now you two broke up and you fell
Healing takes time and it is perfectly normal that you need time to seperate between the feelings you had for your partner and the feelings you got by submission. Don't worry, it will take time, but you will find out. Then, as your wounds heal, you will have the strength again to submit again, - if you want to.

From born to be a sub?

 

[graceanne]

Thank you gracie...that is a much-appreciated gesture right now.

*hugs*

 

[graceanne]

March 14th - words of Etoile

I do see this as a serious discussion, for whatever that's worth.

You're absolutely right that you have to take more responsibility here. If your girls are doing that kind of thing with you, it's because of YOU. Nobody pulls that kind of stunt for a laugh.

As you've noted, your excuses are inappropriate. Yes, you're 25, but you wanted to be in this situation. Yes, you're only one person, but you wanted to have two submissives. Yes, you have problems of your own (everyone does) but if your problems come in front of treating your property well, you don't get to own them.

I'm not saying they are bad excuses...everybody goes through those thought processes. But the trick is knowing how much you can handle, and only taking what you can handle, because trying to live beyond your means isn't fair to anybody, and only makes everybody miserable. If you want two subs, act like you can handle two subs, and you shall have them. If you act like you can't handle both, you will lose at least one of them.

I think your response demonstrates maturity. Now go show that maturity to others.

Do your subs ever use innocent bystanders against you?

 

[catalina_francisco]

March 15th - words of BiBunny

"I don't know. I don't really do the Dom(me)/sub thing anymore, so I guess maybe my input may not really be valuable. I think it's a matter of behavioral psychology again. An animal must be disciplined immediately after its screwup, or it doesn't connect the punishment with the undesirable behavior and thinks you're just beating it for no reason (or for the last thing it did, whatever that might be). People are capable of greater cognitive leaps than that, which is why we can "warn" a child (or a sub or whatever) with a Look or a pinch to the soft underside of the upper arm or something. We *know* that means "Stop now, or you're in for it when we get home."

Still, I sort of look at it as something akin to how one disciplines a child in public. I don't mean any offense to anyone, but I've always thought people who shout at or hit unruly kids in public were kind of crass and trashy and just wanted to show everyone else around them how "tough" they were. I don't think that kind of "discipline" is effective, honestly. Yes, I know kids (and apparently subs) do try to see what they can get away with in front of other people, but I've never seen a quietly uttered warning not work on someone who'd already been trained at home not to act like an asshole. It's a healthy fear--for lack of a better word--of what will happen once they're home that keeps them from come continuing to push. And if they're not "afraid" of what'll happen once they're home, then what the hell are you doing taking them out in public before you've taught them how to behave in the first place?"

Do Your Subs Ever Use Innocent Bystanders Against You?

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, thanks, cat.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh, thanks, cat.

You're welcome..good post and said it way better than I could.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

March 16, the words of CromCruithne:

I've got to toss in my two cents on this because of some terminology that's been thrown around. You cannot induce a mental disorder where there wasn't one prior. A mental problem like schizophrenia or an identity/personality disorder is a chemical imbalance that's hard-wired into a brain. No outside force is going to create that problem.

That said, it is possible that such play brought a problem of that nature to the surface. If that's the case, then I suggest your next discussion with your sub is about both of you getting counseling, seperately. I'm sure everyone on this board knows someone who was abused/molested in the past and, in my experience, they aren't capable of a healthy relationship until they've gotten some serious help. That help might be a partner who can talk with you about it, but that's probably not going to happen in a relationship where the abused person is the Dom.

I'm not sure what you level of BDSM experience is, but it sounds like you're jumping in feet first when you ought to be dipping your toes in the pool. This board has a wealth of knowledge in both text and experienced people. Do some research to find out what kind of play you're into and then learn all you can about it. The level of play you're jumping into isn't something to do uninformed if you don't have to.

http://forum.literotica.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=27120857

From the Help thread:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=27122435&posted=1#post27122435

 

[catalina_francisco]

March 17th - words of shy slave

"I guess this is why I like LDR for now, it is scary to wonder if it will translate into day-to-day.

I hope it does, but past experience shows me that it may not.

LDR takes alot of work, but so does living nearer or together.

I have had two marriages, both husbands felt in competition with my job (and honestly, they often came second or third to it, depending on my sons and their needs), I am realistic enough to appreciate that time apart gives me time to focus on my job and my son as he gets ready to spread his wings in life.

LDR means I can be different things to different people without the conflict or guilt of being pulled in too many directions.

The other side of that is not having his hand to hold on a sunny day, not being able to share a moment in time with him (I think MIS wrote about that recently), not being able to serve, submit and instantly demonstrate how much I care for him.

I don't want to dwell on the downside, it makes my life lesser if I do. I want to be joyous that I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship with someone I respect, admire and love; and have those things given back in return from him.
Being apart on a day-to-day level is off set by the knowledge that we may be apart, but we are not alone in life."

Distance Domination Thread

 

[Homburg]

March 17th - words of shy slave

The other side of that is not having his hand to hold on a sunny day, not being able to share a moment in time with him (I think MIS wrote about that recently), not being able to serve, submit and instantly demonstrate how much I care for him.

I don't want to dwell on the downside, it makes my life lesser if I do. I want to be joyous that I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship with someone I respect, admire and love; and have those things given back in return from him.
Being apart on a day-to-day level is off set by the knowledge that we may be apart, but we are not alone in life."

Distance Domination Thread

I was coming here to post these exact words, Cat

Good on ya, shy

 

[VelvetDarkness]

March 18th ~ the words of catalina_fransisco

While it seems some think it is OK to administer public discipline as long as it is discreet and without anyone knowing, I would think that is more a perception than reality. Because those involved do not know (or think) someone else has seen what they have done, does not magically make it so. I have witnessed things others have done in public thinking no-one would notice, myself...it happens all the time from the lady picking her nose in his car in the morning traffic jam to the PYL who feels immediate physical action is needed to preserve the power dynamic.

People are observant when you least want/expect them to be, and in today's world there are thousands of discreetly and not so discreetly placed cameras performing surveillance on everything we do from the moment we step out our front door to the moment we step back through it, which ensure privacy, no matter how careful and clever we might think we are, is no longer a reality or respected right.

From Do your subs ever use innocent bystanders against you?

 

[ataxia.girl]

March 10

Anyone really just like the idea of domination

WOW! Thank you! Never expected to see me here

 

[VelvetDarkness]

March 19th, the words of midwestyankee:

For what it's worth, flirting is the act of making someone else feel as if you think, just for a moment, that they're more special than chocolate. The thing is, for it to really work well, you have to like chocolate as much as they do.

 

[A Desert Rose]

March 20, 2008

Recidiva: click here

Interesting conversation and comments.

I think that I'm not so much of a creator, I'm an observer.

Like my acting career. I couldn't write the scripts, I wasn't motivated. But give me a part to play and I shine. Some of the best parts are dramatic and painful. Those are the most interesting. Being the bad guy is interesting. Being near a bad guy creator...even more interesting.

I don't think pain has any inherent value. I don't think it's a test, I don't think it's meaningful. I get lots of physical pain from migraines, I'm not interested in that. I also don't have to explore what being good and painless is about. I get that already.

But seeing people treat pain as if it were of value, even though I know it's not, at least not for me. It's like having a dramatic part to play. It's ultimately meaningless, but the symbols...they're interesting. Something happens in that format the way something happens on a stage. Energy is generated and exchanged. Doesn't even matter if it's pretend. It's theater. It has meaning to those who choose to believe it has meaning.

This isn't intended to tell anyone what pain means or should mean. Just that it's entirely empty and meaningless to me, but I can be occasionally fascinated by why people feel differently.

It's a bit like wondering why people believe in this little green piece of paper and call it "money" - why is it powerful and valuable? Because people believe it is. There's the power and value right there. In the belief.

I feel like I observe, catalogue, and ultimately understand people's symbols. Pain's a biggie. It may come in different denominations, different colors of paper or metal, different amounts...but it's currency to lots of folks. Since I consider it Monopoly money, it's free for me to print and distribute. Costs me nothing. But it buys a lot.

I can regenerate like Wolverine. I'm sorta impossible to hurt for long. I heal so fast. So for me, I'm just playing to my strengths for maximum payoff.


From this thread:
click me

 

[A Desert Rose]

March 21, 2008

Again, a brain worth picking. :-D

Recidiva: click here

Part of me being a good human being, being a good employee, being a good daughter, being a good wife, being a good mom...has to do with doing incredibly unpleasant things because they need to be done, without a medal, and occasionally getting kicked around for it. "No good deed goes unpunished."

I think if I can remember that I'm doing it because I'm strong, and not because I'm weak, that I'm compensating for someone else's weakness by being polite and doing the hard stuff (like...if an animal makes a mess, a baby messes a diaper - I clean it up - everyone else is busy complaining and gagging) without complaint, I get stronger every day. The world's a better place. I'm doing it for the world, not for the complaining person. I'm doing it, ultimately, for me.

I don't think the person or creature demeaning a valuable act or making the mess is the strong one. The person able to handle the unpleasant task of going about handling the drama of the event is breaking a cycle of judgment and anger and helplessness. If I can take abuse and anger and not throw it back, but deal with it through healing and compassion, I've lived up to who I want to be. To some folks that actually does qualify me as a masochist. To me, that's just who I want to be, who I aspire to be.

It's an inverted value system, but one that I think if everyone behaved the way I did - the world would be a better place. I'm living an example of tolerance and compassion. Forgiveness is a huge part of my practice, and any faith I might represent.

Lots of people would term that conditioning, victim, or weak. That I should stand up more for myself. I should demand more for myself. I should be this or that or the other. I should be more like them, selfish and demanding and myopic.

There are plenty of people standing up for themselves and complaining in the world. I'll stand up when I need to, but most of the time, I'm just going to do what I think is right, what's compassionate, what's understanding, and not fuss about it.

There are messy diapers and messes to clean up, cooking to be done, injuries to be attended, the bodies of the dead to wash. I don't consider it humiliating or demeaning or anything but doing what needs to be done. Only because it needs to be done, therefore that's why I do it. No amount of complaining or feeling superior makes a single dirty diaper go away.

No amount of objectifying, analyzing or treating me according to any other world view, will change that.


From this thread:
click me

 

[graceanne]

LOL I came over here to link those comments.

 

[A Desert Rose]

LOL I came over here to link those comments.

We so smart!!! ;-)

 

[graceanne]

We so smart!!! ;-)

Yep.

 

[Homburg]

Netzach's words from Making changes.

I also think if you plan on being in a sane and happy relationship it behooves you to take a look at the exact entire as-is snapshot of your partner as though frozen in the moment, imagine them NEVER being anything but what they are and deciding if you can't live without them or not.

People spend too much time on their fantasies of what the other could be or should be.

Brilliant stuff.

 

[BiBunny]

March 23

At the end of the day, in your quiet moments, you have to be okay with you. You can't be something you're not for very long, and you really can't change for someone else. Because in those quiet moments, you're just you, without anyone there to validate you, instruct you, or pat you on the head. And if you're not okay with you, those quiet moments are going to be pretty miserable.

From the Making Changes thread.