The new #1

[REDWAVE]

The Soul of domination

Evil Angel is the new Queen of poetry on this site, at least for now, with her poem "i Turn To You." Rather than include the entire poem here, I'll just put in the link, which is
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31814

Now that you've presumably read the poem (if you hadn't already), my first reaction is that it's fairly mediocre, with nothing truly notable about it: no startling metaphors, entrancing images, or even striking turns of phrase. Yet there are some interesting things going on here. It starts with the title, where the only word not capitalized is "i." This continues throughout the poem, where the smallness of the "i" is deliberately counterposed with the "You." Even if you're not into BDSM at all, who cannot relate to the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness EA so powerfully evokes? It's even ambiguous whether the "You" the speaker implores so cravingly is a human "Master," or a deity. (And if it's a deity, is it God-- or Satan?) EA is fond of paradox, as the name she chose for herself shows, and it is present in abundance here. In all, a very interesting production.

OK, UP-- I'm still waiting to hear what you think about "Seven of Nine."

 

[REDWAVE]

Let's fuck & make up!

Tigress,

I think you know what kind of "sandwich" a perve like me has in mind-- a pussy sandwich, with UP & myself supplying the "breadsticks"! (And I don't know if UP is bi at all or not, but if he is, we could then explore some other possibilities . . .)

But alas, tj, you're back on the East Coast & I'm in Vegas, so unless you're one of those people who vacation in Las Vegas, the most I can do is cyber-leer at you!



Moving on to a less pleasant subject, I found "Say Goodbye" by Risia Skye rather stale and cliched, both in its content and its rhyme scheme. The sentiments it expresses are superficial and sentimental, in my opinion. It follows the traditional ballad rhyme scheme of abcb, and the rhymes are trite and predictable. I don't necessarily have anything against rhyme (although I usually don't use it in my own poetry), but if it is used, I like complicated rhyme schemes (which take much more skill to pull off) and/or fresh, unusual rhymes-- which are also not easy to come up with. In general, free verse rules, rhyme is passe.

Sorry, Risia-- I wasn't even going to comment on your poem, but tigerjen asked.


Here's a poem of mine which I think makes fairly effective use of rhyme. (Note the rather intricate abba cddc efg efg rhyme scheme).


I walk alone along the endless shore
Deep in the shadows of the open grave
Nothing of the pantheon remains, save
The monstrous brood that Philogena bore

Already I am drowning in the wind
That fitfully picks and nibbles at my bones
Already I can hear the fervent moans
That fearfully presage the darkened end

I feel the icy clutching at my heart
Those dreadful talons fasten round my neck
They drain my lifeblood into golden cups

Nor will I fail to play my chartered part
At the very vortex of the shipwreck
When the new light of the ages erupts


Care to critique that one, UP?

 

[tigerjen]

Re: Let's fuck & make up!

Tigress,
I think you know what kind of "sandwich" a perve
like me has in mind-- a pussy sandwich, with UP
& myself supplying the "breadsticks"! (And I don't
know if UP is bi at all or not, but if he is, we could then
explore some other possibilities . . .)
But alas, tj, you're back on the East Coast & I'm
in Vegas, so unless you're one of those people
who vacation in Las Vegas, the most I can do
is cyber-leer at you!

Hey REDWAVE.......
When I get the $$ I can fly out to "Sin City" to visit ya!
Hahahaha......you got the breadstick...and I got the
yummy dipping sauce! (oh boy now my mind really went
to the gutter that time!) *giggle*
For now, we can "cyber-leer" at the each other while we post
up goodies on the board!

TJ

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Hmmm

Redwave,
Your observations on Evil Angel’s poem are accurate and concise, We all benefited from your opinions. I will post my thoughts on Seven of Nine soon.

I quite enjoyed your nameless poem, I was looking for Jason (late of the Argonauts) to make an appearance. Of course I enjoyed the rhyme scheme and of course I saw it! No need to spell it out.
“Can we not hear?
Do we not posses sight?
Ahh but for those things that are of beauty shall we not be haunted by the rhythm and vision of their countenance “

Tigerjen, am I going to have separate the two of you. I understand the meaning of erotica in literotica but this poor thread with over 2000 views is far to old to be titillated in such a manner.

To the both of you in regards to the sandwiches, will there be mustard or mayonnaise?

U.P.

Okay the next #1 is…

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: Let's fuck & make up!

Moving on to a less pleasant subject, I found "Say Goodbye" by Risia Skye rather stale and cliched, both in its content and its rhyme scheme. The sentiments it expresses are superficial and sentimental, in my opinion. It follows the traditional ballad rhyme scheme of abcb, and the rhymes are trite and predictable. I don't necessarily have anything against rhyme (although I usually don't use it in my own poetry), but if it is used, I like complicated rhyme schemes (which take much more skill to pull off) and/or fresh, unusual rhymes-- which are also not easy to come up with. In general, free verse rules, rhyme is passe.

Sorry, Risia-- I wasn't even going to comment on your poem, but tigerjen asked.

Don't apologize; I happen to agree with you on this one. I wrote it at 16. Someone recently asked me to post it, in memory of 9/11, so I did, despite my misgivings. I reads exactly like something written by a 16 year old. Thank God you didn't praise it; I'd have less respect for you if you loved something so trite. (No offence, of course, meant to anyone who *does* like it.)

Once in a while, we all submit something we wish we could take back later.

I was, however, much more satisfied with the two parts of "Coming Down," and their look at drug withdrawal. And, it seems that the voting is bearing me out on this..."Other World" and "Coming Down" are doing much better than "Say Goodbye," as well they should.

Thanks for being honest; I value that above praise, every time.

RS

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: Re: Let's fuck & make up!

Don't apologize; I happen to agree with you on this one. I wrote it at 16. Someone recently asked me to post it, in memory of 9/11, so I did, despite my misgivings. I reads exactly like something written by a 16 year old. Thank God you didn't praise it; I'd have less respect for you if you loved something so trite. (No offence, of course, meant to anyone who *does* like it.)

If you had misgivings about it, and if you didn't like it or seen it's bad points before you posted it, then why didn't you revise it?

I have a disk full of poetry that I have written over the past 3 years. I cherish overy poem on it and have great feedback on most of them. But, now days, when I consider posting them on Lit, I look at them extra carefully. Most of them have a lot of work that needs to be done on them before I could consider them of "high poetic quality".

 

[Guest]

No Where near the #1 spot........

So don't worry U.P. and Redwave....it will be a while (if ever).

But.........I DO have a new poem for those who might wish to read it.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32352

To sleep.......perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain.........

 

[REDWAVE]

Stifled Eros

Your poetry has definitely improved lately, Thesandman. A well-written evocation of frustrated affection and sensuality. And let's face it, in real life, alas, affection and sensuality are frustrated much more often than not-- too often, in fact.


One of the main reasons for the excessive frustration of human sexuality in today's society is the prevalence of outworn religious taboos from the past. Wouldn't you agree, Sandman, dude?

 

[Guest]

To put it simply...........

I couldn't have said it any better Redwave:

"One of the main reasons for the excessive frustration of human sexuality in today's society is the prevalence of outworn religious taboos from the past. Wouldn't you agree, Sandman, dude? "

And so yes......I'd have to agree with that one....BIG TIME!

And thanks for the "quickie" review. Not sure how to handle this upbeat feedback. First from U.P., Now from you? LOL........


Now watch....Tiger Jen will hate it. <ewg>

But still....I remain.......

 

[RisiaSkye]

Savage Kitten

Someone recently asked me to post it, in memory of 9/11, so I did, despite my misgivings.

That's why I posted it. Believe me, I've got literally *thousands* of pages of incredibly awful writing that I never subject people to...I don't just post any old thing that comes into my head. I didn't mean to give the impression that I do.

RS

 

[tigerjen]

Risia...I think that....

Don't apologize; I happen to agree with you on this one.
I wrote it at 16. Someone recently asked me to post it,
in memory of 9/11, so I did, despite my misgivings.
I reads exactly like something written by a
16 year old. Thank God you didn't praise it;
I'd have less respect for you if you loved something
so trite. (No offence, of course, meant to anyone
who *does* like it.)

Hi Risia!
I did not know that you wrote "Say Goodbye" at age 16....
for a poem written at 16, its well written. I think its good
regardless....and I think its wonderful that you posted up
the poem in memory of 9/11, regardless whether you like
the poem itself or not. I see it as as simple poem that says
so much.......

must go get sleep.....had overnight shift last nite....

TJ

 

[tigerjen]

U.P.....mustard or mayo among poems?

Tigerjen, am I going to have separate the two of you.
I understand the meaning of erotica in literotica
but this poor thread with over 2000 views is far
to old to be titillated in such a manner.
To the both of you in regards to the sandwiches,
will there be mustard or mayonnaise?

Hey U.P.......
Heehee....we can throw in some fun on this thread
once in a blue moon......I prefer spicy mustard
on the sandwiches....I think you ought to ask REDWAVE
what he wants on his

Must get sleep......had overnight shift last nite...will
be dreaming you, redwave, and me as a sandwich...
heehee.....

TJ

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: U.P.....mustard or mayo among poems?

...will be dreaming you, redwave, and me as a sandwich...
heehee..... TJ

will that be on white, or whole bread? hogey, cuban, bagel, or just between the buns??

hehe *wink* sorry.. i know.. "bad kitty!"... i just couldn't help myself?!?! *batting eyelashes innocently*

 

[REDWAVE]

Room for one more!

SK-- we could always make it a foursome!


Mustard and mayonnaise are both OK, but my favorite is olive oil. It's extremely versatile, has so many uses . . .

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: Room for one more!

SK-- we could always make it a foursome!

wow.. that's some confidence ya got there *wink* I earned my name!

Anyway... I never learned how to share very well

 

[Savage Kitten]

Who is the slacker here??

Has anyone noticed? Does anyone care?? There hasn't been a #1 poem posted in the last 2 days! Is there a reason for this? Are we all sitting back waiting for our infamous Unmasked Poet to unsheath his literary carving knife?

Come on... I know U.P. unleashed the dragon, but don't you guys think someone can ride it besides him?

*wink* I know I can't. So, to save you some trouble, I'll post tonite's new #1 poem here. Maybe someone will take up the torch and critque it.

I for one enjoyed it's softly hummed sad melody. But who am I? I read from the heart!

Other World
by RisiaSkye ©

In my other world
there are wishes in the air.
Unspoken questions
have answers at the minute
and forgetful children
never get hurt.

In my other world
no one's afraid to smile.
Summertime can last
straight through to Spring
and I never sleep
with the light on.

In my other world
someone's there to hold you.
We can see the stars
even in the sunlight
and there isn't any reason
for us to cry.

In my other world
dreams can become real.
Everyone laughs
whenever they want to
and I can run freely
into open arms.

~edited to add~

Don't just read it, go over and vote on it! Other World by RisiaSkye

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Other world

Thank you Kitten, your assistance is valued. Your opinion was comment enough. I do have something to add though. It's hard for me to pass up an opportunity to hear myself lecture. Is this thing on? Now stay with me, the post is long but worth the effort.
Can anyone here me?

Other World
by RisiaSkye ©

In my other world
there are wishes in the air.
Unspoken questions
have answers at the minute
and forgetful children
never get hurt.

In my other world
no one's afraid to smile.
Summertime can last
straight through to Spring
and I never sleep
with the light on.

In my other world
someone's there to hold you.
We can see the stars
even in the sunlight
and there isn't any reason
for us to cry.

In my other world
dreams can become real.
Everyone laughs
whenever they want to
and I can run freely
into open arms.

RisiaSkye is back! Here is a pleasant yet pedestrian poem.
I just can’t get pulled into the images here. Technically everything works as it should. Yet the parts never quite combine. I suppose it too sentimental or the images not crisp enough for my taste. Yet there is something wonderful here. “A refrain.”
I love a refrain.
For those who want a textbook definition a refrain is:

A phrase or line, generally pertinent to the central topic, which is repeated verbatim, usually at regular intervals throughout a poem, most often at the end of a stanza. Occasionally a single word is used as a refrain. Sometimes a refrain is written with progressive variations, in which case it may be termed incremental repetition.

Us old hacks just call it a repeating line or word. The refrain is a powerful tool and is used in many styles of poetry.
The refrain here is:
“In my other world”
Lets play with the refrain to see what impact movement has.

At the end of each stanza:

there are wishes in the air.
Unspoken questions
have answers at the minute
and forgetful children
never get hurt.
In my other world

no one's afraid to smile.
Summertime can last
straight through to Spring
and I never sleep
with the light on.
In my other world

someone's there to hold you.
We can see the stars
even in the sunlight
and there isn't any reason
for us to cry.
In my other world

dreams can become real.
Everyone laughs
whenever they want to
and I can run freely
into open arms.
In my other world

Floating progressively down in the stanza

In my other world
there are wishes in the air.
Unspoken questions
have answers at the minute
and forgetful children
never get hurt.

No one's afraid to smile.
In my other world
Summertime can last
straight through to Spring
and I never sleep
with the light on.

Someone's there to hold you.
We can see the stars even in the sunlight
In my other world
and there isn't any reason
for us to cry.

Dreams can become real.
Everyone laughs
whenever they want to
and I can run freely
into open arms.
In my other world

Personally I like the last version the falling rhythm of the refrain makes the piece more poignant for me. The second version is not bad either. I think both are better than the first though. How about you? How is your refrain doing? Next time you write one remember to experiment with movement.

Read RisiaSkye’s Coming Down and see an example of a moving and incremental refrain, and notice how the ”same old” words create drama and move the poem emotionally.

U.P.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: Other world

RisiaSkye is back! Here is a pleasant yet pedestrian poem.
I just can’t get pulled into the images here. Technically everything works as it should. Yet the parts never quite combine. I suppose it too sentimental or the images not crisp enough for my taste. Yet there is something wonderful here. “A refrain.”
I love a refrain.

Ah, now I understand. I thought you were being fickle--because you liked this one when it was on the "New" list. But, now I get it--it's the refrain that does it for you.

Personally I like the last version the falling rhythm of the refrain makes the piece more poignant for me. The second version is not bad either. I think both are better than the first though. How about you? How is your refrain doing? Next time you write one remember to experiment with movement.

I agree with you--the last version manages to keep the melancholy tone, while making it a more interesting and varied read. Nice rewrite, UP.

Read RisiaSkye’s Coming Down and see an example of a moving and incremental refrain, and notice how the ”same old” words create drama and move the poem emotionally.

U.P.

I quoted this for two reasons:
1) I'm glad that *someone* liked the refrain in "Coming Down". The second part has one also, though it's set up very differently. I've gotten a very mixed response to both poems.
2) I'm not above pimping my own work. Of course, it would be more subtle if I didn't draw attention to it. But then, I wouldn't respect myself in the morning. At least this way, I can give myself bonus points for honesty.

Thanks for the reviews, UP & SK

 

[tigerjen]

Re: U.P.....mustard or mayo among poems?

will that be on white, or whole bread? hogey, cuban,
bagel, or just between the buns??
hehe *wink* sorry.. i know.. "bad kitty!"... i just couldn't
help myself?!?! *batting eyelashes innocently*

S.K..........
REDWAVE...U.P.....and myself are THE bread! heehee!

 

[tigerjen]

Re: Room for one more!

SK-- we could always make it a foursome!

Mustard and mayonnaise are both OK, but my
favorite is olive oil. It's extremely versatile, has
so many uses . . .

REDWAVE....olive oil is yummy....the "full" or the "extra
virgin"?
A 4some sandwich...eh? Now that ought to
be quite a sight to see! *giggle*

TJ

 

[SLAM]

yea!

 

[WickedEve]

what happened?

This was a thread discussing the number one poems and now it's about condiments. lol
Where are you U.P.? I miss your comments.
I guess, until you return, I'll have to dip myself in some salsa to heat things up.

 

[tigerjen]

Wicked Eve.....you got a new #1!

hey W.E.!

sorry i haven't been on the boards much...its been
a crazy week for me....but just hopped on real
quick and found that "4 Fetishes" just hit #1 today
as of 10:20am EST!

What a nice b-day present for you....Happy Birthday!

I will comment on "4 Fetishes" later...just got back from
work and need sleep!!!

here's the link for everyone:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31413

 

[REDWAVE]

More Fetishes, Please!

Well, I'll jump in here with my review of "4 Fetishes" & beat UP to the punch. Thanks for the promo, Tigress-- it is a tasty little morsel. That Wicked Eve has a very . . . interesting mind, doesn't she?


The 4F's covered are, of course, watersports, "toejobs," sexy costumes (fetish stuff), and "body painting" (especially of the anal region) and BDSM. I'm not thrilled about the rhymes used: some are kinda mundane, but they're not too bad. As a gestalt, the poem projects an affirmation of unrestrained, unashamed sexuality-- which is very frightening to some people.

But not to me.


In summary, this isn't T.S. Eliot, but it is an enticing invitation to look at human sexuality in a new way, freed from bourgeois conventionality and prudery. I rate it a 4.

 

[tigerjen]

"girly things" by WickedEve #1.......

as of 3:30am EST USA.......

"girly things" is a cute poem....a rhyming description of
3 things that a woman must have......lipstick, perfume,
and panties......what makes the poem appealing to me
is these 3 items play a role in the art of seduction......
getting ready for your lover......slip on some hot undies...
perfume your body with a sensual scent.....color your lips
in a Marilyn red.......I could go on, but please read for
yourself........


"girly things"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30799

May I also add that I mentioned this particular poem in "the new poems"
thread a long while back?
Also.....WickedEve has pulled a triple....."girly things" at #1...followed
by "4 Fetishes" then "Quickie Quartet"!