The new #1

[tigerjen]

To start off 2002......a new #1.....

A new #1....as of 4:10am EST USA by WickedEve....

here is my post (in case you missed it) from the new poems
thread back on 12/10/01:

A conspiracy theory by WickedEve.........
Here's a goody from this poem....
"Just for you,
each detail.
Between us two--
It's blackmail! "

This is what I call sneaky! Read more in.......

"Girlfriends"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=31652

 

[Unmasked Poet]

All aboard

Retirement? Who said anything about retirement?
Although when I’m done Eve you may wish I stayed away longer. “Calling all passengers Girlfriends the new #1 is now boarding on track 7.”


Girlfriends
by WickedEve ©

It's a dirty secret,
promise not to tell.
Don't lie Yvette,
you'll go to hell.

Lips sealed,
now confess.
Won't reveal.
Don't make me guess!

Just for you,
each detail.
Between us two--
It's blackmail!

Caught spying...
saw his corset.
Tried lying...
pays to be quiet.

Took the money,
told me to stay.
Called me honey,
wanted to play.

She did,
so did he.
In bed,
I made three

I won’t attempt to torture a confession from this poem. Although I am tempted to try, how else could I pay back this rhyme for the agony I went through reading it?
I have become spoiled by Eve. She makes me smile cry and think at the same time with much of her work.
Yet here all I can manage akin to a state of being or bodily expression is a groan.

The concept is interesting and went wrong with the use of the selected rhyme scheme. The rhythm is too quick for serious thought and can only add mirth (which is the intention I think) it only took a single line to slow down this train.

First stanza last line:

It's a dirty secret,
promise not to tell.
Don't lie Yvette,
you'll go to hell.

Yes I know it rhymes and the word “hell” is a suitable ending. It is the three words before “hell“ (the set-up) that grate and apply the brakes. I would suggest relying on rhythm before the rhyme such as:

It's a dirty secret,
promise not to tell.
Don't lie Yvette,
the consequence is hell.

The rhythm of the word con-se-quence delivers and supports the last rhyme. It also rolls off the tongue and adds a depth to the stanza. Like bass to music. Before the change I think “you’ll go to hell” was far too tinny, too much treble. The sound of poetry is as important as everything else.

My ride went all wrong at the fourth stanza’s last line. Read with me weary traveler:

Caught spying...
saw his corset.
Tried lying...
pays to be quiet.

“pay’s to be quiet” this faux pas so derailed me (I found it impossible to get this train back on the rails) The crash is compounded by the next stanza (here is where I want to torture)

Took the money,
told me to stay.
Called me honey,
wanted to play.

What money? I thought this was about girlfriends, (unless one is a hooker telling her friend about a kinky client) and even if that is the case the perspective changes are confusing. I learned what all torturers learn “beating a poem never yields results” your only left tired and frustrated whatever the secrets were have gone to the grave with the poem.
The last stanza sputters and gasps in my opinion. While quick the ending is not merciful. I am left without a ride, wounded, battered and dazed. I am now far too fatigued, someone please call the NTSB, a calamity of this magnitude certainly falls within their jurisdiction.

Wicked, on this one you lost me.

Something new from WickedEve that I enjoyed:
Aging Gracefully

U.P.

Lots of great rides from WickedEve

 

[WickedEve]

Hey, Mister! I'm allowed to have a stinker on occasion! lol
I fear that I may be the only one who knows what I'm talking about in this poem. That's not a good thing!
Thanks for teaching me more, U.P.! Now go away!

 

[tigerjen]

Hey U.P........I called the NTSB for you...heehee!
Just kiddin........ Happy 2002!

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Thank you Tigerjen

I fear they will not be enough, in retrospect Eve's train ride was a luxury cruiser. I stagger back to gladly hop aboard. There is a new # 1 and I am trying to contact FEMA or the National Guard.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

A new artist, a new poem oh my! Genuwine Lover has accomplished an amazing feat making it to the #1 spot with his first poem. I am all tingly, like the throng of fans waiting at the airport as the Beatles arrived heralding the “British Invasion.” I am screaming, shaking uncontrollably, I can’t seem to stop myself from crying and of course I feel…invaded.


The Usual's of Syd's
by Genuwine Lover ©

Through the Lounge, Candy’s corner, and a room with a bed…
I stagger into something that’s over my head…
It’s the home of the bubbles, and many fine “individdles”….
All with odd names, sex games, and hot tub riddles…
I walk in and wave, and wink at my peeps in the pool…
And take off my clothes – it’s the number one rule…
I wave to my friends and wink to my lovers…
For I know the bubbles, will act as our covers…
There’s Kat and Ace, always throwing a party…
Rednecks: Southern and BigDawg, with laughs so hearty…
Than I greet the single ladies, with kisses and winks…
Mor, Perky, Bluerose, Song, Tulip and Tinks…
There’s a hammock in the corner where I see one lady lay…
She’s the Mistress of Rain, or just Lt. Fay…
PMP quietly sips on my homemade juice...
But you better watch out when this princess let’s loose...
Perky’s on Lockdown, she say’s with pure class…
But Bluerose just grins as she smacks my cute ass…
In walks Glenda and LL, with their notorious knacks
Of seducing the men, (but mostly just Max)
Max slides me the usual, jack and diet coke….
I gotta watch my figure, or Sweet Baby Lee will start to joke...
About how I’m fat, and I’ve lost my smooth style…
But I’ll just grin, cuz I know that all the while…
My hands are under this water, bubbling about shoulder high…
And my hand secretly slides up Perky's left thigh…
And my right hand is locked around Tink's little waist…
PMP catches her breath and keeps “heading” under…
And the clouds move in, and I start to hear thunder…
That means an appointment in the Hammock with Mor in a bit...
But I’m blinded right now Bluerose’s right tit…
Cuz I’m licking her navel, hell I don’t know why…
But I do know what’s on the mind of every other guy…
There say, What’s he got? How does he do it?
Cuz I charm them, and please them, don’t just run in a screw it…
I listen to her heart, as we cuddle under the cover…
And she always comes back to the Genuwine Lover…

…I see your back already I was just humming the line to “Help!”…
I am curious as to the punctuation used…
I assume the structure is to imply pause…
Perhaps this could have been accomplished with line breaks…
Commas…
Periods…
A myriad of tools…
Maybe even a stanza…
Genuwine can rhyme…
And not cuz I said so…
There are moments when this almost works…
The story is engaging but new characters enter and leave without so much as a farewell…
There is humor here also…
Although one must dig for it beneath the engaging presentation of course after it is found we are simply too tired to laugh…
Sure I could talk about forced rhyme…
Maybe the incoherent rambling nature of this tale…
This might be prose…
It might be poetry…
Yet if this is usual for Syd…
I’m staying home…
Now please the smelling salts, I feel weak and dizzy yet again. Well, I suppose this is what happens at invasions you end up “fucked but not kissed.”

Genuwine Lover has also penned a story. They Were Lit Addicts while unrelated I must say the story is far better. Genuwine Lover has accomplished a second feat of amazement “caused me to comment on a story.” Oh almost forgot…

U.P....

 

[tigerjen]

Littlemissblair's latest.......#1 this AM....

Littlemissblair.....writer of "MY SENIOR PROM".......has #1
poem this morning as of 9:25am EST USA.....its very short,
straight up to the point.

here is a sampler....

"She prefers pink or white
I know her quite well
even discerning
her favorite smell. "

Good rhythm throughout.....or meter as others refer it to.....
Love the "innocence" of the colors...pink or white...contrasting
to the "naughtiness" of the scent she is referring to....

"Panties"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=26151

 

[WickedEve]

tigerjen

Littlemissblair.....writer of "MY SENIOR PROM".......has #1
poem this morning as of 9:25am EST USA.....its very short,
straight up to the point.

here is a sampler....

"She prefers pink or white
I know her quite well
even discerning
her favorite smell. "

Good rhythm throughout.....or meter as others refer it to.....
Love the "innocence" of the colors...pink or white...contrasting
to the "naughtiness" of the scent she is referring to....

"Panties"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=26151

I agree with your comments! Panties is a very naughty poem.
Speaking of pink, I see your Bubblegum Pink is quickly rising to the top in such a short amount of time. I think with all this "pink" success that my next poem will simply be titled PINK.

 

[tigerjen]

"So let's this party started!"

I agree with your comments! Panties is a very naughty poem.
Speaking of pink, I
see your Bubblegum Pink
is quickly rising to the top in such a short amount
of time. I think with all this "pink" success that my
next poem will simply be titled PINK.

Hey W.E......so as the singer Pink sings......"Get this party
started!" Maybe pink has been the lucky color as of late!

TJ

 

[WickedEve]

tj, your "3 girls" made it to number one!
Peggy, Aretha, & Celine

 

[tigerjen]

ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Just found out a few moments ago that
"Peggy, Aretha, & Celine" got an "H" rating!

*dancing in the aisles!*

 

[RisiaSkye]

A question: are there copyright issues to consider when the bulk of a text is drawn from other sources? I noticed in reading "Peggy, Aretha, & Celine" that there were very few original words, and because it's largely a stanzaic reprint of song lyrics, I wondered if anybody's got the scoop. I did a poem a few years ago based on an old REM song ("Don't go back to Rockville"), but I've never posted it because of this issue.

A comment: While I'm not as good at doing the breakdown of the specifics of an individual poem, unlike UP or REDWAVE, I have to admit that I'm a little mystified by tigerjen's latest #1, the aforementioned "Peggy, Aretha & Celine." To me, it reads like liner notes. I'm apparently not "getting" what putting fragments of songs in stanzaic form is supposed to convey. And why set it up as a tribute to the women, when none of them write their own material? I wonder if a stanza or two of futher development, perhaps giving some insight into why tj chose these three women in particular, would have improved the read for me.

Nothing personal, tigerjen; I hope that you know that already, but I just want to make sure. Please, don't take offense. I mean to be constructive, not damaging.

Anybody else care to comment? Clue me in on what I'm missing here?

RS

 

[tigerjen]

only the song titles are original

Hi Risia!
Just saw your post.......firstly, I put a disclaimer before
the poem, to cover my butt about copyright issues;
secondly, while the bulk of the songs were not written
by them (performed by them though), Aretha Franklin
did write "Rock Steady". I came up this poem on a
spontaneous note by using song titles in the poem and
throw my own words in there, which are few. (I hear
ya about the liner notes thingy....) I set it up as a
tribute of sorts because each of the three ladies has had
an impact on the music world in some way......perhaps in
the future I could expand on this particular poem by
adding more of my own insight into it.....and also come
up with another poem with 3 other artists.....we shall see!
Oh yes....I put the song titles in quotes (though I could
have used Italic font for them, but I don't know how to do
that when you type a poem directly onto the submission
form) for obvious reasons.....

Risia....I do appreciate your comments and insight.....I
really do.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

TRL

TJ,

Read this several times, not sure what to make of it. Other than saying I don't think it works. Yet Tigerjen has gone “were no one has gone before.” As soon as I get to native soil (I am out of town) I will add an observation in greater detail.

Peggy, Aretha, & Celine
by tigerjen ©
**this is a tribute to Peggy Lee, Aretha Franklin,
and Celine Dion....the words in quotes are songs
performed by them**

I. Peggy

"Just for a thrill"
you give me "fever"
to last all night long
while "waiting for the
train to come in"
but "I don't know much
about you" to wait
with me alone

So "why don't you do
right" and make like
"little Joe" and
see ya "manana!"


II. Aretha

"Baby I love you"
better show some "respect"
to me
and we'll "rock steady"
forever on the
"freeway of love"
cuz you make me feel "like
a natural woman"


III. Celine

"Love can move mountains"
like the merengue

I feel as if I'm
"falling into you"
just as cream falls
into hot coffee

glancing at pictures
of old
"It's all coming back
to me now"
all the memories of
being free and young

you defended me
way back when
"just because you loved me."

Oh heck, I will squeeze the time out now.
It is an interesting concept, perhaps if you had wrote a poem and used only the famous tag lines. I could have accepted this effort. As it stands too much of your poem is someone’s else’s. For me there is no flow, not pattern, no meter, no rhyme scheme, no free verse. This makes for a terrible poem, perhaps to the point where it cannot be considered a poem at all. (Which is my opinion.)
I will call it an Ode. The songs lyrics combined with your words do not connect together for me. Yet it is #1 and if your fans are happy then you have done a service. I shall respond the only way I can with a vote and my written opinion.

Tigerjen you have peeked my interest in the area of reinterpretation.
And if it matters:
I adore Aretha Franklin
I loathe Celine Dijon(yes I know it’s Dion)
I am mildly appreciative of Peggy Lee.

Risia, I wrote a poem called “Waste Another Year” well before REM existed. Yet since that line was used in the song. “Don’t go back to Rockville” my poem has been forever linked to that fine pop/folk effort.

Read more of Tigerjen and tell her your opinion.

U.P.

 

[tigerjen]

re: TRL

Unmasked Poet writes:
<<Oh heck, I will squeeze the time out now.
It is an interesting concept, perhaps if you had wrote a poem and
used only the famous tag lines. I could have accepted this effort. As
it stands too much of your poem is someone’s else’s. For me there is
no flow, not pattern, no meter, no rhyme scheme, no free verse. This makes for a terrible poem, perhaps to the point where it cannot be considered a poem at all. (Which is my opinion.)
I will call it an Ode. The songs lyrics combined with your words do not
connect together for me. Yet it is #1 and if your fans are happy then
you have done a service. I shall respond the only way I can with a vote
and my written opinion.
Tigerjen you have peeked my interest in the area of reinterpretation.
And if it matters:
I adore Aretha Franklin
I loathe Celine Dijon(yes I know it’s Dion)
I am mildly appreciative of Peggy Lee.
Risia, I wrote a poem called “Waste Another Year” well before REM
existed. Yet since that line was used in the song. “Don’t go back to
Rockville” my poem has been forever linked to that fine pop/folk effort. >>

Hi U.P.!
Hope that you had a good weekend!
Just read your post......I hear your opinion and respect it......I did enjoy
what you said about calling the poem an "Ode".....while I do realize what
you are saying re: "too much of the poem being someone else's", I only
used the song titles in quotes and added my own words in their, which
I agree is too few. Maybe if I did this type of poem in the future I could
take your suggestion in using "tag lines" and more of my own words.....
any examples would be great. Heehee.....Celine "Dijon"? You're funny!

I thank you for reading, and your comments.

TJ

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Who indeed,

SA Storm has returned to the #1 spot. I admit to having a soft spot for his work. Seldom is it boring and he does not repeat himself even when he's treading up familiar themes. I can't help but feel that this poem and the current #2 "What would Don Quixote do?" are just variations on a theme. "Who we are" is bittersweet and tender a serious look at something special after the newness and intial wonder has worn off.
To answer his own question "Perhaps this is what Don Quixote would do."

Who we are
bySA Storm©

I approach the door…
As the key crosshairs the opening
synchronicity plays through me.

I feel neutral.

We eye each other to take our cues
I watch your brow, it tells me so much
more about your day than your words do.

Wrapping around dinner,
emotions exist as comments of conversation.
Back and forth, recycling acceptable mannerisms
that we steal from one another.

Human mirrors.

We talk a language of vision,
body heat and movement.
Straining to be heard over words.
In these moments of communal solitude
we are closer, naked and making love.

One of our best days,
this is who we are.


I would suggest Storm revisit the stanza construction while it works there is a lack of rhythm. The punctuation is uneven also.
I look forward to a rewrite (a small one)
There are no great lines for me in this poem yet the power of strong images/thoughts carry the day.

I could link you to his member page, but I won't, instead check out something new from SA Storm.

Honey Bunny Dance

[color=dark red]Vacation Time[/color]


U.P.

 

[REDWAVE]

Lovemaking vs. Fucking

The new #1 poem is "He Touched Me Like No One Else," by Caitlyn_OShame. I won't reproduce the whole poem here; the link is
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=19987

Now that you're back, this poem reflects a basic truism: that lovemaking with a person you truly care about, and cares about you, is much, much better than cold, mechanical sex with a stranger. But it illustrates that point so very well! The bulk of the poem describes the speaker's tender relationship with her now lost lover, and how she now yearns for him. But Caitlyn throws the zinger at you right near the end, with these amazing four lines:

When I spread my legs now
The deed leaves me numb
The ghouls fuck me hard
Yet I seldom come

Yeow! I love that, especially the line "The ghouls fuck me hard." Emily Dickinson once remarked that when I read something and it makes me feel like the top of my head has been taken off, then I know it's poetry. Those lines make me feel like the top of my head has been taken off.

 

[tigerjen]

I promoted that one a while while back

The new #1 poem is "He Touched Me Like No One Else," by Caitlyn_OShame. I won't reproduce the whole poem here; the link is
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=19987

Hey REDWAVE
I promoted that poem a long long ago on a thread
written by myself.....isn't it a great poem? It's good
to finally see it get to #1 after being bounced around
on the toplist!

tigerjen

 

[Jazzy2]

Re: I promoted that one a while while back

Hey REDWAVE
I promoted that poem a long long ago on a thread
written by myself.....
tigerjen

That's self-promotion. How much attention do you need? It's somebody else's poem and you shoutin' about what you did?

Jazzy2

 

[Unmasked Poet]

This thread is about Poetry I hope

Jazzy2, no trolling allowed! The new #1 thread while full of banter should always be about poetry.

Redwave, you gotta post the poem, you know we are too lazy to click that link. Well I am at 9:30 Sunday morning.

Tigerjen, we are all pleased you promoted it.

Its Sunday people let's have some fun.


U.P.

 

[tigerjen]

I was only pointing out that fact ...in particular to the
new people......I can't even promote others now?

I am glad there are people out there who APPRECIATE
promotion of other's work!

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Smile TJ

TJ, new people need to know you promoted a poem "long long ago" on a thread that is lost in the vault of Lit erotica? TJ that poem has been #1 several times already, although this is the first someone has talked about it. There is a new #1 TJ it was Rive by SA Storm, this morniing when I signed on it was atop the heap with a 4.60 now it seems to be 17 or 18 with a 4.17. I'd say he got poem slammed. The new, new #1 is RisiaSkye's Say goodbye.

U.P.

 

[tigerjen]

Last night I did see that SA Storm's "Rive" was on top...
but upon waking up this morning it is "Say Goodbye"
by RisiaSkye.......I can't understand it......

I'm sorry U.P.....I'm' a bit shaken this morning by
the negativity floating around here......

later!

 

[WickedEve]

tigerjen...

I'm sure you feel under attack, lately. But it's because you piss off some people! lol I happen to think that you're basically sweet. I'm judging you by the emails and PMs I receive from you.

When you remind us that you've promoted a certain poem before, it seems to some that you're making sure you get "credit" for it. And maybe you do feel that way. You may feel that you went to the trouble to promote a poem, and no one commented on it when you did. Or maybe you're mentioning it to let everyone know that you know how to pick 'em! lol Maybe you feel that you aren't getting any respect, and that's why you feel you need to be vocal about these kinds of things. I don't know. You may just mention it out of habit, and you don't think twice about it bugging anyone. But it does seem to irk some people. It probably wouldn't, but I think it's because you repeatedly do it. But that's you. That's a tigerjen thing to do. If someone wasn't bugging someone, we'd probably all get bored and start trouble for the heck of it. lol

 

[Blue Dolphin]

number 1

Well then,
a poem of mine just hit the top spot.
A Life Refreshed.
wonder what the intellectuals will say about that.
No offence intended BTW.