The new #1

[Blue Dolphin]

6 hours later

Well, I just wonder
At 8pm EDt on Sun night my poem A life Refreshed, was #1 on erotic poems list.
Score 4.67, from 13 votes.

Five hours later

Is #60
score 4.006, drom 16 votes.

This smacks of collusion to me.
Leaves me very suspicious.
Are there persons with a vested interest, who seeing a poem not from thee " group who seem to own the list" on top, actually go in and vote as low as possible.The new #1 now ,has come from nowhere with 25 votes, good luck to the author.
But,I wonder

Is not a nice thing to say, but has to be asked.

 

[Guest]

New # 1

PU
Gasp!! ...... That's occurred to me also, watching from the side lines.

 

[WickedEve]

pleasureu

Congrats on your poem making it to #1, and I'm sorry it didn't stay long, and I'm sorry it dropped so dramatically. But please don't feel too badly. I've had the same thing happen before-- more than once. I've had poems go from #1 to disappearing from the list, in just hours. I wondered how some readers could like a poem enough to vote it to the top, and then other readers hate it so much to vote it down. Perhaps, once it hits #1 more people read it and some of them just don't like it as much as others. And you have to remember that when your poem drops down the list, it's sometimes because other poems are rising up the list.

Keep writing! I'm sure you'll have more good poetry that will be #1 again.

 

[Blue Dolphin]

#1

Wicked Eve,
First , love the name, cool.
Thank you dear lady for the comment, and moral support

 

[Guest]

New number one:

Center of Trees
by daughter ©
He watches me while I
remove what little make-up I wear,
slide out of tummy-support panties,
and unhook my my bra,
I smile; I like the way
my breasts relax,
rounded out against the sides
like dough,
inviting hands to knead.


I drape myself
in pale splashes of daisies.
I am goddess;
his growing urgency
tells me I'm pretty.
I smile slightly with lips
he's kissed almost forever.

A ritual sashay across the room,
I walk to him.
He is transfixed.
The flowers dance,
he watches petals sway against
my Sugar Baby skin.
Eyes wander to my firm,
full thighs.
He wants to touch,
my gaze says
not yet.

I pull off my beaded hair band,
a sultry, free fall of
raisin and henna locks
splay on my broad shoulders.

He pulls me close, holds tight.
I feel wise and blessed
not ancient.
He loves me more
each new gray,
each new line.
Years like rings,
bind-- never ending.


copyright 2000.

While I don't feel qualified to comment on the more technical aspects, I can say that I love the poem. I Felt the tenderness, the intimacy and the casual sacredness of the moment.
A couple of suggestions: I think 'his growing urgency tells me I'm pretty' could be stronger--doesn't it tell her more than that she's merely 'pretty'? How about beautiful? I don't know...

I love 'each new gray, each new line,' but the last two lines need work. They give a sense of restriction...I wonder if the the 'rings'are an allusion to the rings of trees that show their age? Otherwise I'm not sure I get the title.

These are minor points though. Overall this is a wonderful piece of work. Thank you.

 

[daughter]

Thank you

I love 'each new gray, each new line,' but the last two lines need work. They give a sense of restriction...I wonder if the the 'rings'are an allusion to the rings of trees that show their age? Otherwise I'm not sure I get the title.

These are minor points though. Overall this is a wonderful piece of work. Thank you.

YOu have the title correct. I have been writing this poem for over a year. Hell, figure out the last two line? lol Okay. I'll try.

Wish you had posted your name. I feel silly saying thank you, "Unregistered". Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[smithpeter]

Center Of Trees

If you look at the symbol of the Tao from the edge you will see rings in all places.
They are there in the ringlets of pebbles thrown into a calm pool or when a shift of nature causes a tree to fall. Fingers, oak, ears all have these things in common within and without.

 

[Whispersecret]

I adore this poem so much that there is nothing, I repeat, nothing I would change. And that's saying a lot, if you're familiar with my usual nit-picky criticism.

I love the word "pretty," here. It fits with how she feels, how I might feel in her place. I wouldn't want a stronger word, because I understand (at least I think I do) why pretty works. Pretty says girlish, fanciful, romantic, innocent, cuddly to me.

I was going to quote all the lines I like most, but then I might as well paste the whole poem.

This one is exquisite, daughter. Well worth the year long wait, I'd say.

 

[Camille]

Fantastic

Wonderful poem daughter, simply wonderful. There is nothing sexier than a person secure in their appearance. Having your lover confirm that is so inspiring. I can see why you sashay.

Cammie

 

[KatPurrs]

Bravo Daughter!

It is so good to see this impeccable poem at the #1 spot. I agree with Whispersecret. Don't change a word!

What I love about this poem is how you strut those full thighs, acknowledge broad shoulders, and a tummy requiring a bit of support. Breasts that round out at the sides upon release from the confines of your bra. You are comfortable with your body and it's oh so slight imperfections. How refreshing! And those lips he's kissed for almost forever! God, this poem just speaks to me so!

A year to write.....wow! And I thought my two months on mine was a lot. Damn! If only I'd worked on it another 10 months! HA!

Thanks Daughter,

This is a classic.

 

[Guest]

new # 1

It seems redundant to add my quota because it just repeats what everyone else is saying. This is a gem, a definite keeper. It shows me that my theory that buffing a piece of work for too long can ruin it. That's my dilemma, I tend to cut my babies free too soon for fear of over polishing.
Anyway, congrats to daughter.
GP

 

[Guest]

retraction

upon re-reading the poem several times, i humbly retract my criticisms of this poem--i'm not worthy! lol...
this is truly a gem just as it stands, and grows with successive readings.
my name is dave by the way

 

[tigerjen]

re: I love this verse from daughter's "Center of Trees"

daughter wrote:

**I drape myself
in pale splashes of daisies.
I am goddess;
his growing urgency
tells me I'm pretty.
I smile slightly with lips
he's kissed almost forever. **

This is my favorite stanza from "Center of Trees".....only
because it does remind of a "goddess" making herself
ready for her man by doing one of many things: perfuming
herself in a lovely floral scent. The word "drape" I feel
is an excellent word choice.....sounds better than "apply"
or "spray", or some other ordinary word.
Oh....but the line.....the last line "I smile slightly with lips
he's kissed almost forever".....beautiful......I view it as
she's been married to him for quite a number of years
(i.e. 30 or more years).....
The poem overall is a reflection of no matter how many
signs of "aging" occur in a woman (at least here), her man
loves her still after all this time no matter what, if "each
new gray" & "each new line" happens. A woman can be
pretty, beautiful, etc. at any age, and daughter shows
it can in this piece.

This one I enjoyed.........thank you!

tigerjen

 

[LigiaPoe]

On new posters and poems

Wanton

Slither into warmthened, candied depths, never before impressed.
Fresh prints upon that most virgin and crystal of beaches,
The sand glistening with radiance and clarity.
So inviting is the warmth,
the never trod upon forest,
the thicket and the brush,
and the unforgiving dew drops of muggy afternoons.
Musky Nectar imbibed by none,
jealously protected like a most precious, sparkling stone.

What lies inside those rolling waves, never crescendoing to a pitch?
What hides between the tress, dark and green, that have never felt the tropical storm before?
What sends the calm, soothes the raging floods instantaneously produced
by fair little pixies that run hither and thither.
Patience - No.
Like a dam building up for release, the essence stirs them into sleep,
awaiting and longing relief.

This is an old poem I wrote, it's still a bit rough and needing editing, what do you think?

All comments are welcome.

 

[daughter]

WOW

Thanks, everyone.

Your reception is almost overwhelming and I am grateful for it.

WS, I smiled and felt good hearing you understood 'pretty'. Kat and guilty. It's taken time to learn to be patient with my work. It wasn't always so. I am one of the most impulsive people I know. I didn't take a year for the first draft, Kat. It took over a year to see the one you're reading. I strongly believe in revision. I think poems in some ways are like giving birth. They take time. We carry our young almost 10 months. While the inspiration may hit us in assembly line fashion, I don't believe in necessarily rolling them into the showroom before the paint dries.

I didn't always love my body either. And as a former crash & burn queen, it feels good to feel secure in love and to know love can be long-term.

Nice to hear from you dave. I need to write someone name dave. He is a good friend and gifted writer.

Thanks again everyone.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Love fest get your tickets here!

What a love fest here. daughter the poem is deserving of the praise I add my voice to the chorus. I would make some minor changes though. I do not like some of the line breaks you use. I think the tiny edit below works better. I have highlighted the changes Oh yah, the double “my” I’m sure is a typo.

Center of Trees
by daughter ©

He watches me
while I remove what little make-up I wear,
slide out of tummy-support panties,
and unhook my my bra,
I smile;
I like the way my breasts relax,
rounded out against the sides like dough,
inviting hands to knead.

I drape myself
in pale splashes of daisies.
I am goddess;
his growing urgency tells me I'm pretty.
I smile slightly with lips
he's kissed almost forever.

A ritual sashay across the room,
I walk to him.
He is transfixed.
The flowers dance,
he watches petals sway against my Sugar Baby skin.
Eyes wander to my firm,
full thighs.
He wants to touch,
my gaze says
not yet.

I pull off my beaded hair band,
a free fall of raisin and henna locks
splay on my broad shoulders.

He pulls me close, holds tight.
I feel wise and blessed
not ancient.
He loves me more
with each new gray,
each new line.
Years like rings.

We’ll I said they were tiny, I think the last line was not needed. Wonderful poem despite your place in our community, I don’t think I have ever seen you at #1.
No time to rest on your laurels. Put another one up.

U.P.

 

[daughter]

Ah, thanks U.P.

Nope, I can't remember ever being #1 more than 15 seconds. LOL
I felt good though.

Your edits are minor and I agree. The extended pause created with the line at the 'smile' is nice and the one referring to her hair works. Question, do you think the change in line length is an issue?

I thought, too, the last line might be extraneous bordering hackney. I can live with the edit. I have another work inspired by my lover that I want to revise. It is very important to me, and to date I have not been able to get a revision I'm happy with. ((sigh)) I'll see what I can do to also draft some new lines.

Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Line length and other matters

Yes and no
The look is awkward but read the wonder of the whole line;
"he watches petals sway against my Sugar Baby skin. "

the rhythm I'm sure unintended works quite well refreshes the mouth. You might do well to end this stanza here.
The problem with this stanza in either version is the lack of rhythm. Using the original read each of your stanzas aloud, (skipping the third) see how pleasing they are. Now read the third it is the awkward child of the brood. The other stanzas flow smoothly this one is out of balance

I would ignore my comments about the line breaks of this stanza. This poem is too good and you should sit down and rewrite the third stanza

U.P.

 

[Guest]

Pleasureu, has been writing for a quite awhile, often I see his poetry on the new poems list. On occasion comments have been made to them on the thread "New Poems List." This is the first time that I am aware of that pleasureu has crossed “the void” between the "New list" to the "Top list." Welcome poet.
Well now that you’re here you might not like it. Don't woory though I try to make everyone that gets to #1 warm and cozy.

A Life Refreshed
by pleasureu & Mayi ©

A life refreshed beyond the dawn
Survey the virgin path
To fly aboard the sunrise
With eyes to sing and laugh
Begone thee cyber passion spent
Thou unrequited love
For was I just a weapon
A sword , to fit his glove

Oh new dawn lift me slowly
Take my spirit high
Show me new horizons
Across an azure sky
Imbibe me with true patience
Relax my inner soul
Caressed by light of new dawn
The dawn to make me whole

Through silky clouds to wander
In satin dreams of love
The morning mist to melt away
On sunbeams from above
As dream of love now fade away
Replaced, by life so real
This dawn to make me live again
This dawn, to make me feel

“Hey Icarus aren’t this things made of wax?”
Everyone here can tell you how much I love rhyme. Of course it has to be good rhyme by that I mean show some complexity or stellar word choice which equal stellar rhyme.

Lets look at the first stanza:

A life refreshed beyond the dawn
Survey the virgin path
To fly aboard the sunrise
With eyes to sing and laugh
Begone thee cyber passion spent
Thou unrequited love
For was I just a weapon
A sword , to fit his glove

The first line is ho hum I mean that. Not bad but it sure doesn’t grab me. The concept is nice and yes dare I say cliché. Sunrise=rebirth. That does not keep this from soaring it is your word choice. I can find not one inspiring or seductive line in the first stanza. The use of “Old English”
“Begone thee cyber passion spent”
”Thou unrequited love”
Is inconsistent with your other words, I’m all for a nod to the bard but do the man justice.
I do like the last two lines.
“For was I just a weapon”
”A sword , to fit his glove”
Except the use of the word “For” Since your going over the top with this why not something like?
“My heart was just a weapon”
“A sword to fit his glove”

The second stanza works better my only nit is the use of the word dawn on the last line comes too close behind the word dawn of the previous line.

We are at the last verse and I can feel the wings starting to melt! Damn that Icarus!
pleasureu you’ve got a good middle but the bread on this sandwich is stale. I really think it’s the word choice. Now I’m in trouble I’m came up here with you without a parachute.

Look for more of pleasureu’s writings at:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=62848]Pleasure Palace[/url] and welcome another of his poems to the top list http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29929]Lady Jayne[/url]

U.P.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Out of practice

Hey it's been awhile, be patient with me.

U.P.

 

[Blue Dolphin]

constructive criticism

Hi Unregistered
Constructive criticism ia always of value my friend.

I unfortunately, think not of technique, or style when writing.
I write as it flows, do very little editing,and post

Yes I know I should wait a day, take a fresh look.
But this was real, about a dear friend who had been rejected,and she was starting to build her life again.

many of my poems are fun things for friends,but now and then there is a live one.
This, also Lonely nights,and my latest,Love Reborn, were all live

Love reborn was done in wo halves,hence the different meter.First 2 verses on day I thought had lost a ladyfriend, second 2 when she returned.
Will take what you say, and try at least.
Thank you for the comments

 

[Jazzy2]

Center of Trees

If you look at the symbol of the Tao from the edge you will see rings in all places.
They are there in the ringlets of pebbles thrown into a calm pool or when a shift of nature causes a tree to fall. Fingers, oak, ears all have these things in common within and without.

Whoa! I want whatever he's smokin' lol

Big shout out to you, d. Long time comin'. Glad to see you gettin' some props.

Jazzy2

 

[tigerjen]

mmmmmmmm Hmmmmmm!

**3pm EST** new #1

Strawberries and Chocolate
by Cyberguy ©

lashes flutter
eyes close
senses heighten
I approach

sweet strawberry
invades your nostrils
succulent fruit
brushes your lips

seize it
bite it
taste its juice
trickling wet
pervading your tongue

half-eaten berry
anoints silky flesh
tracing soft curves
arousing hardening nipples

warm dark chocolate
drizzles on cool light skin
random patterns
decorate heavenly peaks
and the valley between them

I descend
lips consuming traces of fruit
from ripened nipples
tongue chasing a chocolate river
leading to paradise

_______________________

Okay....no techie critique here, but this poem is a "right in
the moment" moment......feels so real to me....vivid images
i.e. "warm dark chocolate"....."ripened nipples"....."sweet
strawberry" jump out........love that line "tongue chasing a
chocolate river"......being a food erotic, I identify with this
piece, because Cyberguy makes me want to run to the Godiva
shop and get dark chocolate covered fruit.......makes me want
Cyberguy to feed me strawberries and to lick up that "chocolate
river" on my "silky flesh"........

Cyberguy...welcome the poetry toplist club! congrats!
Also looking forward to more writings from you.....

tigerjen

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Innuendo of a poem

I tried liking this one, SA Storm is a talented writer but this just shows you can’t always hit the mark.

Innuendo
by SA Storm ©

Residing inside my empty box
a hint appears less than a clue
no promises, only whispers of possibility.

Is this what holds me to you
the illusion of a dream not quite remembered
emotions impossible to express in words
leaving only these pale images to convey their depth.

Unrestrained by the physical
I adore complete with innuendo
to the truth of lies
with reckless, careless, passion I wait.

Sometimes in a whisper
in kindness and desire beyond their polite appearance
I am yours completely
as we circle around one another
sharing the ecstasy of innuendo

Dancing as predator and prey

I don’t have a lot to pick at with this poem. I simple find it dry. There are no lines that grab me. No imagery that begs for me to crawl inside and get cozy. I do find one line though:
“leaving only these pale images to convey their depth.”

Pale indeed. For die hard Storm addicts only! Check out his newer poems for a better journey Storm Warning

U.P.

 

[tigerjen]

"Innuendo" didn't flip my lid either.....I couldn't get into it.....

Hey U.P....while I have you here, how do you make the
poem featured on the post in boldface? I am on a Mac,
and I cannot do that. Any commands or feature that I could
use so next time I post someone else's poem up on this
thread it could "stand out" so to speak? That would be
quite helpful....thank you much!

tigerjen