The Planets - a challenge.

[BooMerengue]

nasty girl.




i heard Free Verse was a form.

I don't know where the hell you heard that!!

Just kidding, hon.

But now I'm not kidding. I have watched you absolutely blossom since you started writing poems. You have leapt unbounded. But you will never learn to really appreciate free verse til you master forms. So please try this. Pick a simple form. Blank verse. Its like that poem of yours on the other thread. No line rules or repitition. No length requirements. Just a plain ol' poem that rhymes sorta and has equal line length- sorta. I say sorta cuz I'm learning myself that a little deviation actually improves the form. You can do it- I know you can. I also know that it will be damn good, cuz in the end all that really matters is what you say- not how you say it- and you say what you say so well. So...

 

[wildsweetone]

blank verse???

i'll think about it.
(what's as bad is that nothing is coming to mind for the planets)
(i've found some guff on Blank Verse. i'll keep looking for something inspiring and see if anything happens.)

 

[Tzara]

blank verse???

i'll think about it.
(what's as bad is that nothing is coming to mind for the planets)
(i've found some guff on Blank Verse. i'll keep looking for something inspiring and see if anything happens.)

Hey!

W! Sweet One!

I dunno anything about form either. (Hey, quiet all of you who are sayin' I don't know nothing about anything! Or whatever. You're right, but that smugness of expression misbecomes your argument.)

Anyway.

Here's another suggestion. The cinquain. What I may use should I try this. Ya just havta count syllables, fer gawd's sake. (And, hey, c'mon--that's pretty easy ain't it?):

CINQUAIN
The traditional cinquain is based on a syllable count.

line 1 - 2 syllables
line 2 - 4 syllables
line 3 - 6 syllables
line 4 - 8 syllables
line 5 - 2 syllables

The modern cinquain is based on a word count of words of a certain type.

line 1 - one word (noun) a title or name of the subject
line 2 - two words (adjectives) describing the title
line 3 - three words (verbs) describing an action related to the title
line 4 - four words describing a feeling about the titlem, a complete sentence
line 5 - one word referring back to the title of the poem

I, for one, am drifting that "modern" stuff, being, you know, a traditional kinda guy. Well, and plus that "modern" thing looks, um, too hard.

Hard is bad.

Hey! Do one and I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours!

Urr...

No, that line didn't even work in grade school.

So just try something, OK? To quote Lit's very ouwn St. smithpeter: It's "[l]ike life. It's sudden. It's all passion."

So like jist write sumthin' dear. We all love you anyway.

 

[wildsweetone]

Venus
alluring beauty
rise floating love
fair bringer of peace
goddess




hi dear, something like that for the modern version? i'm guessing it's kind of on the right track. i need to take a literature class or something. lol i'll try some more and see if anything looks 'reasonable'.

don't panic Boo, i'll see if i can dream up something for that blank verse cursed idea.


planets...
who's idea was it to play with the planets??? they are just lumps of stuff in the sky y'know.

 

[Tzara]

Venus
alluring beauty
rise floating love
fair bringer of peace
goddess

hi dear, something like that for the modern version?

Mine own variation might be:

Venus,
goddess beauty,
rises thus floating love
on fair Botticelli's clamshell.

O, Troy!

 

[flyguy69]

Blank verse is simply unrhymed iambic pentameter:
ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM

It is a very natural speech pattern, and one that occurs regularly in Shakespeare. What also appears regularly in good blank verse are occassional violations of the rule to keep it from getting monotonous!

 

[wildsweetone]

Mine own variation might be:

Venus,
goddess beauty,
rises thus floating love
on fair Botticelli's clamshell.

O, Troy!

Tzara, variations on a form are allowed?



see, just imagine what i could have done if i'd known that!




Fly, i have been fiddling!
with da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
and am on some kind of a roll (please help me get off )

it rained for days before the sun shone bright
then venus floated on the scallop shell (flip, was it a clam?)
the sun grew bright and launched a thousand smiles (cliche!)
all men and women stood with mouths agape
the goddess chin rose slightly as she watched
the men in port all staring at her charms
tall women smiling, offering lip balm (lip balm? oh please )
she shook her head and stepped ashore quite safe
in the knowledge that soon she'd have some work (women's lib back then?)
the men all rushed to help her walk the wharf
her eyes fell low to one handsome young dwarf
he smiled at her his teeth tainted in plaque
she took his hand for soon it would be dark
they left the wharf and walked to his small home
where apple trees and citrus had all grown
supping early they retired to bed (spot the violation!)
promptly she slipped and bumped her golden head
the dwarf beside himself was in torment
the headboard carried a permanent dent (more topsy turvy da DUMs)
when morning came she woke with a head ache
but off she went her love dust for to shake ( )

i am so bad at this stuff. lol

 

[wildsweetone]

ps i only posted that to get the worst poetry on the board first.

 

[Remec]

I'm still researching and thinking, but I believe I will contribute something for either Venus or Neptune. (Have a triolet done, but need to reconsider how it came out, and have other things in mind...possibly. <g>)

 

[champagne1982]

I think I will attempt a pantoum, here's a teaching version I whipped up as an aide de memoire.

Pantoum

this line shall rhyme with the line last
this shall sing with the rhyme again
the rule for the third is one just lain
the rhyme scheme winds and weaves on past

this shall sing with the rhyme again
with luck the verse moves quick and fast
the rhyme scheme winds and weaves on past
without the poet bleeding and slain

with luck the verse moves quick and fast
no chance for those who weep and remain
without the poet bleeding and slain
a body's work an anthology, vast.

no chance for those who weep and remain
actors no more a poet's cast
a body's work an anthology, vast
which even gone sings the rhyme again.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I think I will attempt a pantoum, here's a teaching version I whipped up as an aide de memoire.

Well, that sure puts to shame my pantoum - the first I wrote and in the same spirit as yours:

HOW TO write a pantoum

Scribble, scribble, scribble,
Write down all you can think of.
Onto paper let your soul dribble
And rephrase what you wrote above.

Write down all you can think of,
Erase those thoughts from your mind
And rephrase what you wrote above;
Cross out the words left behind.

Erase those thoughts from your mind.
There's no need to get shy.
Cross out the words left behind.
And just give it one more try.

There's no need to get shy!
Onto paper let your soul dribble,
And just give it one more try:
Scribble, scribble, scribble...​

Sigh

 

[flyguy69]

Uranus

Magician, and therefore: impossible
hope, the blindness of a night sky
skipping details between lights.
The patron saint of the star-
struck: his light the promise

to break promises. No wonder
young lovers stare into the dark
shroud of night, their fingers folded
in breathless prayer. When you blazed

like a star it was overhead I
turned, my eye leaping
light to light never touching
the vast distance between. What physics

can withstand the impossible
heat of dreams? What space survives
the stride of hope? Uranus' light illuminates
the entire universe of our fingers
curled together.



It's uhh... a flyanelle.

 

[BooMerengue]

Uranus

Magician, and therefore: impossible
hope, the blindness of a night sky
skipping details between lights.
The patron saint of the star-
struck: his light the promise

to break promises. No wonder
young lovers stare into the dark
shroud of night, their fingers folded
in breathless prayer. When you blazed

like a star it was overhead I
turned, my eye leaping
light to light never touching
the vast distance between. What physics

can withstand the impossible
heat of dreams? What space survives
the stride of hope? Uranus' light illuminates
the entire universe of our fingers
curled together.



It's uhh... a flyanelle.

First Flyanelle I've ever seen and I love it!! Thank you!

 

[flyguy69]

First Flyanelle I've ever seen and I love it!! Thank you!

Thanks, Boo. I honestly forgot about the form requirement until I posted it and saw those two show-offs ahead of me!

Just read it like this: ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM.

 

[Louise Brown]

If a haiku counts as a "form," and you don't mind me not posting seven different times for seven different planets, here's my suite in its entirety.


(Mercury - the winged messenger.)

i received a note…
a boy who thinks he loves me…
secret admirer


(Venus - the bringer of peace.)

i don’t want to be
bothered by someone who does
not truly know me


(Mars - the bringer of war.)

another note from
him… this one really pissed off…
fear of rejection


(Jupiter - the bringer of jollity.)

advice from a friend:
keep the peace and have some fun…
he thinks he loves me


(Saturn - the bringer of old age.)

thinking too much that
i am not getting younger…
perhaps give a try?


(Uranus - the magician.)

give the boy a call…
besides, dating’s not working…
maybe magic will


(Neptune - the mystic.)

the goddess be praised!
i never dared dream i would
have such a good time!

 

[wildsweetone]

Pantun

Today is just another rainy day
nothing's settled in spider's silken web
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay
by the fire on cloaks as their bed.



and from that, i fiddled with a Pantoum:

Today is just another rainy day
nothing's settled in spider's silken web
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay
by the fire on cloaks as their bed.

Nothing’s settled in spider’s silken web
only raindrops that glisten in the mist.
By the fire on cloaks as their bed,
lovers lay close as they kiss

Only raindrops that glisten in the mist,
pussy willow boughs dip into the stream.
Lovers lay close as they kiss
making reality part of their dream.

Pussy willow boughs dip into the stream
rain flooding the land, but still they don’t hear.
Making reality part of their dream
their future more than they can bear.

Rain flooding the land, but still they don’t hear
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay,
their future more than they can bear.
Today is just another rainy day.

 

[BooMerengue]

Pantun

Today is just another rainy day
nothing's settled in spider's silken web
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay
by the fire on cloaks as their bed.



and from that, i fiddled with a Pantoum:

Today is just another rainy day
nothing's settled in spider's silken web
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay
by the fire on cloaks as their bed.

Nothing’s settled in spider’s silken web
only raindrops that glisten in the mist.
By the fire on cloaks as their bed,
lovers lay close as they kiss

Only raindrops that glisten in the mist,
pussy willow boughs dip into the stream.
Lovers lay close as they kiss
making reality part of their dream.

Pussy willow boughs dip into the stream
rain flooding the land, but still they don’t hear.
Making reality part of their dream
their future more than they can bear.

Rain flooding the land, but still they don’t hear
Venus guides wisely as young lovers lay,
their future more than they can bear.
Today is just another rainy day.

I think thats pretty damn good for mere fiddling! I wonder what you'll do when you quit fighting the form and embrace it?!? I shudder to think...

 

[cymry]

Traditional Pantoum...

Mercury

Let Mercury be the guide,
other places are meant for me.
Beyond the nighttime tide
a vessel waits at sea.

Other places are meant for me
valiant notions, long dead,
A vessel waits at sea,
where wiser souls have fled.

Valiant notions long dead,
better intentions next time
where wiser souls have fled,
to save them from my crime.

Better intentions next time
no more to walk so weary.
To save them from my crime
all must be more leery.

No more to walk so weary
a last note coldly rent,
all must be more leery
of shifting moments spent.

A last note coldly rent
beyond the nighttime tide,
of shifting moments spent.
Let Mercury be the guide.

 

[wildsweetone]

I think thats pretty damn good for mere fiddling! I wonder what you'll do when you quit fighting the form and embrace it?!? I shudder to think...

don't panic, i think i'd need about 20 years practice to get near the skill level of you Wise Ones on here.

 

[BooMerengue]

don't panic, i think i'd need about 20 years practice to get near the skill level of you Wise Ones on here.

Well, I hope you don't get paid to think. Because you are sooo wrong. And I don't say that lightly.

 

[Guest]

BUMP

*runs away*

 

[champagne1982]

By Jove!

Play a melody for the mighty Jove
that nymphs and satyrs might sway and dance
to the pounding rhythms of December trance
magic spilled out, a treasure trove.

That nymphs and satyrs sway and dance
throughout the pinetree grove
magic spilled out, a treasure trove
around which faeries prance.

Throughout the pinetree grove
darkness pierced with firelight's lance
around which faeries prance
in intricate harmonies that they'd wove.

Darkness pierced with firelight's lance
to play a melody for Jove
above intricate harmonies that they'd wove
and the pounding rhythms of December trance.​

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Tess, can we get a tiny little extention on this deadline? Until the end of the week, for example? It would be greatly appreciated.

 

[WickedEve]

This is from the first page of the thread. It's been there 2 weeks and unedited. It's one of those poems that may not be worth editing, but I'll ask anyway: Any suggestions? Should I get rid of some of the "beat" in the first stanza?
This part probably has the most problems:

through my rushes--hot and chill.

Fallen stem, a steam, and trickle,
I was spent and left to ponder
how my pleasure was a sickle.

Was "into the light" written yonder.




Mercury The Winged Messenger


I heard them beat against the pane,
beat, beat, and beat again,
like the rhythm of his cane.

Thought it was a little wren
come to see my candlelight,
thresh the glass with wings again.

I know of birds and winter fright.
One had spied us in the chill
when I died by candlelight.

Sir had split the air too shrill.
Swung his arm just like a sickle
through my rushes--hot and chill.

Fallen stem, a steam, and trickle,
I was spent and left to ponder
how my pleasure was a sickle.

Was "into the light" written yonder.
No wren that beat against the pane.
I was spent and left to ponder
love and rhythm of his cane.

 

[Guest]

Tess, can we get a tiny little extention on this deadline? Until the end of the week, for example? It would be greatly appreciated.

Your wish is my command oh wiggy one.

I think it might be a good idea if each poster labels their piece with the form they've chosen. So far the ones posted are impressive. I hate myself right now for suggesting this challenge.

*goes back to beating up my keyboard.*