The Queernesss Thread

[Endless_Night]

< people thinking that we're a bunch of hos who can't be trusted. >

I just clipped a bit because my reply is long.

Thank you for this post. You’ve cast light on an issue - somewhat different, but similar - that’s puzzled me greatly.

One of my friends in grad school was a lesbian. A great gal, except for her bizarre prejudice towards bisexual women. According to her, no lesbian would consider dating a bi woman as the BSWs would inevitably leave you for a man.

She insisted this was a well known fact in the lesbian community. WTF!?

What made it even more bizarre is that I don’t think she even knew any bisexual women. She’d certainly never been dumped by any. If there’d been some personal reason her angry view would at least make some kind of sense….

Her bigotry was quite virulent and she’d occasionally get on rants. Whenever I’d protest she’d get angry and say, “You’re not a lesbian. You don’t understand.”

Well, she had me there. I wasn’t a lesbian and I didn’t understand.

At least until now. Apparently its part and parcel with the inability to be monogamous concept?

So very bizarre.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I just clipped a bit because my reply is long.

Thank you for this post. You’ve cast light on an issue - somewhat different, but similar - that’s puzzled me greatly.

One of my friends in grad school was a lesbian. A great gal, except for her bizarre prejudice towards bisexual women. According to her, no lesbian would consider dating a bi woman as the BSWs would inevitably leave you for a man.

She insisted this was a well known fact in the lesbian community. WTF!?

What made it even more bizarre is that I don’t think she even knew any bisexual women. She’d certainly never been dumped by any. If there’d been some personal reason her angry view would at least make some kind of sense….

Her bigotry was quite virulent and she’d occasionally get on rants. Whenever I’d protest she’d get angry and say, “You’re not a lesbian. You don’t understand.”

Well, she had me there. I wasn’t a lesbian and I didn’t understand.

At least until now. Apparently its part and parcel with the inability to be monogamous concept?

So very bizarre.

My daughter is lesbian and she has the same view as your friend. Her explanation is from her experiences. She has had a number of bisexual girlfriends who have left her for men. She has felt that it wasn't that her ex's liked the men more than her, it was that being with a man was easier because it was more socially acceptable.

 

[Endless_Night]

My daughter is lesbian and she has the same view as your friend. Her explanation is from her experiences. She has had a number of bisexual girlfriends who have left her for men. She has felt that it wasn't that her ex's liked the men more than her, it was that being with a man was easier because it was more socially acceptable.

Ah. Well that at least makes some sense. As I said, I could have understood my friend's prejudice a little better if she'd at least suffered a bad experience. Her opinion seemed to be based mainly on info from lesbian chat sites.

Though, of course, its well know that internet info is always completely reliable.

 

[BiBunny]

I just clipped a bit because my reply is long.

Thank you for this post. You’ve cast light on an issue - somewhat different, but similar - that’s puzzled me greatly.

One of my friends in grad school was a lesbian. A great gal, except for her bizarre prejudice towards bisexual women. According to her, no lesbian would consider dating a bi woman as the BSWs would inevitably leave you for a man.

She insisted this was a well known fact in the lesbian community. WTF!?

What made it even more bizarre is that I don’t think she even knew any bisexual women. She’d certainly never been dumped by any. If there’d been some personal reason her angry view would at least make some kind of sense….

Her bigotry was quite virulent and she’d occasionally get on rants. Whenever I’d protest she’d get angry and say, “You’re not a lesbian. You don’t understand.”

Well, she had me there. I wasn’t a lesbian and I didn’t understand.

At least until now. Apparently its part and parcel with the inability to be monogamous concept?

So very bizarre.

It's common.

The attitude used to piss me off, just because of the assumptions that it makes. But it doesn't bother me that much anymore because what do I care about the opinion of someone who would judge me based solely on my orientation, anyhow?

But it seems like bisexuals--bi women, especially--so desperately want to appease people who do feel this way that you get a lot of hell from all ends of the spectrum if you don't toe the "monogamous bisexual" party line.

Oh, and I've been dumped for men, too. It's hardly something that exclusively happens to lesbians.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

http://roygbiv.jezebel.com/how-this...source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thing, for many many lesbians, is the ever-present knowledge that there are and will always be, more men, who are more successful and secure than you are.

Guys can hold their girlfriend's hands in public, and see themselves on the billboards holding the glass of whiskey while the glamor girl behind waits for his beckoning. Not so much women. Not even now, in 90% of the public space. Women just can't shake the feeling that any guy can out-compete her.

Women leave each other for other women as often as not-- but we remember the ones that left us for other men.

Bias confirmation, they call it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

also, https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/brothers-web-series

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Ok, I desperately want to bitch about something that's been bothering me a lot lately, and I think this is probably the place to do it. But if it doesn't really fit here, just ignore me, ok?

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of talk about bisexual people. Fine, no problem with that in and of itself. But what does bother me is the way that bisexuality and monogamy are being talked about.

Yes, I understand that the knee-jerk "Just because someone's bi doesn't mean they can't be monogamous!" is a reaction to (usually non-bi) people thinking that we're a bunch of hos who can't be trusted. I don't have a problem with bi people and/or our apologists correcting misconceptions.

What I do have a fucking problem with is how it seems like we've gone from "Bi people can be monogamous!" to "If you're bi and not monogamous, you're doing it wrong and making us all look bad." It's never outright stated, of course, but it's there nonetheless.

I understand that polyamory being dismissed as invalid at best and evil at worst is hardly a problem that's limited only to the bisexual people of the world. Straight and gay polys have the same problem. But I suppose it irks me so much because I am one of those awful bi poly people that a large part of the community wants to shove to the back of the crowd and pretend doesn't exist.

It's like, it's ok to be bi, but only if you're bi in this specific way. Otherwise, you're either doing it wrong, or you're a smear on the "movement" or whatever, so please just fuck off because you're making us look bad.

Ugh, I know what I'm trying to say, but I can't make it come out right. Sorry.

Heh, I'm pretty sure that bi-poly would be way more tolerated by my family and partner than heterosexual-poly. My partner has NO problems with me swooning on other women, and I have a feeling even my parents would be more OK with me having a husband/girlfriend than a husband/boyfriend. One is "sexuality" the other is too close to the conventional definitions of "cheating"

This is why I avoid any sort of "community" beyond forum posting, though...it's overfilling with shit like what you're dealing with.

 

[Allyourbase]

Heh, I'm pretty sure that bi-poly would be way more tolerated by my family and partner than heterosexual-poly. My partner has NO problems with me swooning on other women, and I have a feeling even my parents would be more OK with me having a husband/girlfriend than a husband/boyfriend. One is "sexuality" the other is too close to the conventional definitions of "cheating"

This is why I avoid any sort of "community" beyond forum posting, though...it's overfilling with shit like what you're dealing with.

Oh this I experience too. And it icks me out. Like how people would congratulate my SO when they hear he's with a bi woman ('woman', in this case). But they would frown and be sorry for him if he would have to tell them HE
was bi. (He isn't, but hypothetically speaking.)

And sure, pointing out attractive women to each other is fun, but when people congratulate him, they don't understand it can also be difficult. We've stayed up late quite some nights talking about how to deal with it, smoking under the kitchen fan in stead of outside, so the neighbors wouldn't hear us. THREESOMES YAY. Uh. No.

Don't get me wrong. Full disclosure: our agreement if we consider opening up, on my side it would not be for me to be with another cis man. Which is often referred to as the classic 'one penis policy', which is badbadinequalitygobeashamedewewew.

For us, however, this works very well. I'm not interested in other cis guys, and he's aware of the inequality in his preference, but he still has it. So why forcibly negotiate something that a) is not something I want, b) is not something he wants. For Equality? Right. Let me also get a full time job I don't want in a technical field I hate, to further the general case of the gender pay gap. Because if you're just working with what you've got, you're Doing It Wrong.

 

[MeekMe]

(>.<) Anyone have any advice for someone who is Muslim and may be bi?

I have no idea how to handle a certain situation and the best I can come up with is to just avoid future disasters.

Sorry if I brought this up in the wrong place. I've just been thinking about this so much. I'd really like to have a big "easy button."

 

[KoPilot]

(>.<) Anyone have any advice for someone who is Muslim and may be bi?

I have no idea how to handle a certain situation and the best I can come up with is to just avoid future disasters.

Sorry if I brought this up in the wrong place. I've just been thinking about this so much. I'd really like to have a big "easy button."

No advice, just tumblr links :\

http://queermuslims.tumblr.com/
http://strawberreli.tumblr.com/post/30642167690/queer-muslim-masterpost
http://iamnotharaam.tumblr.com/post/23349570810/my-experience-being-muslim-and-bisexual

 

[KoPilot]

Welp, hubs and I decided that we are no longer--perhaps never were--LDR. We're an LAT couple, and in an ideal world, always will be. LAT stands for "living apart together", basically meaning that we never want to cohab if we don't have to. We just feel like we'd make much better neighbors than a normal married couple.

I'm calling it "nisiamory"

It's funny just how confused and threatened some of my friends were when I told them. Their reaction was exactly the same as some aces get when they come out: "don't knock it till you try it". How about... no. I know exactly what I want out of this relationship, thanks.

 

[Scrivener_]

Welp, hubs and I decided that we are no longer--perhaps never were--LDR. We're an LAT couple, and in an ideal world, always will be. LAT stands for "living apart together", basically meaning that we never want to cohab if we don't have to. We just feel like we'd make much better neighbors than a normal married couple.

I'm calling it "nisiamory"

It's funny just how confused and threatened some of my friends were when I told them. Their reaction was exactly the same as some aces get when they come out: "don't knock it till you try it". How about... no. I know exactly what I want out of this relationship, thanks.

My standards for judging other people's relationships and sexuality are as follows: I don't, and, "you do you." I have the dubious fortune of white privilege, I'm straight-passing and cis-passing (although on the inside I don't feel any of those things and define myself as a white cisgender genderqueer bi (or pan, depending on the day) sexual woman). If the LAT thing works for you, then rock it, and don't let anyone else tell you different. (This is also generally my stance on monogamy, non-hetero-sexuality, and queerness in general.)

 

[MeekMe]

No advice, just tumblr links :\

http://queermuslims.tumblr.com/
http://strawberreli.tumblr.com/post/30642167690/queer-muslim-masterpost
http://iamnotharaam.tumblr.com/post/23349570810/my-experience-being-muslim-and-bisexual

Thanks for the links. I think I'm going to go into coward mode on this one. >.<

 

[Netzach]

It's common.

The attitude used to piss me off, just because of the assumptions that it makes. But it doesn't bother me that much anymore because what do I care about the opinion of someone who would judge me based solely on my orientation, anyhow?

But it seems like bisexuals--bi women, especially--so desperately want to appease people who do feel this way that you get a lot of hell from all ends of the spectrum if you don't toe the "monogamous bisexual" party line.

Oh, and I've been dumped for men, too. It's hardly something that exclusively happens to lesbians.

I've dumped some guys and dated women. And some women and dated guys. And the women know this, but it never counts. They wanted to believe that I would suddenly become a "good" bisexual for them, and were completely thrown when I magically didn't, despite all the explanation in the world.

I don't date, fuck or play with monosexual people now. They will never get it, and I advocate that bisexual people all do the same for sanity's sake.

It's an ego salvage on the part of the dumped person everywhere, because you know, it can't be you or anything like that.

 

[Netzach]

Welp, hubs and I decided that we are no longer--perhaps never were--LDR. We're an LAT couple, and in an ideal world, always will be. LAT stands for "living apart together", basically meaning that we never want to cohab if we don't have to. We just feel like we'd make much better neighbors than a normal married couple.

I'm calling it "nisiamory"

It's funny just how confused and threatened some of my friends were when I told them. Their reaction was exactly the same as some aces get when they come out: "don't knock it till you try it". How about... no. I know exactly what I want out of this relationship, thanks.

Oh my God, go you. It's the most challenging aspect of every rel. I've ever been in, and I wish I had the financial flexibility to live one block from my person. It's not much distance, but it would be better. Introverts FTW.

 

[CutieMouse]

Living together apart is my dream relationship. As in, I just want my own tiny house in a lover's back yard, so I can cater to his wants and needs, but have my own space so we can both live our own lives [when desired]. Best of both worlds.

You'd be amazed at the number of people who think I'm crazy, or will change my mind, or will suddenly decide to marry [again] someday. Ew.

 

[Allyourbase]

Welp, hubs and I decided that we are no longer--perhaps never were--LDR. We're an LAT couple, and in an ideal world, always will be. LAT stands for "living apart together", basically meaning that we never want to cohab if we don't have to. We just feel like we'd make much better neighbors than a normal married couple.

I'm calling it "nisiamory"

It's funny just how confused and threatened some of my friends were when I told them. Their reaction was exactly the same as some aces get when they come out: "don't knock it till you try it". How about... no. I know exactly what I want out of this relationship, thanks.

Awesome!

Me and the SO always thought we'd end up living in the same street, but in different houses. We had a long distance relationship for 8 years and then had to move in together for financial reasons. It did work and we even bought a house together now, but, finally we have separate bedrooms! That's the least, really, and it's so nice to have my own space. People already worry about *that*, when they visit, jeez. And I *still* like the idea of living apart.

Have fun, enjoy your freedom, haters be hatin.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I've always LOVED the idea of living together apart. I love having personal space and even just having my own bedroom would be awesome.

But...my partner--blesshim--is fairly conventional sort of fellow about relationships. Hell, somedays he's out right CLINGY xD He does know when I really REALLY need that space, though, and doesn't resent it much. He says he doesn't resent it at all, but I can FEEL him pouting from across the house

 

[KoPilot]

Thanks everyone

I find it really interesting that this seems to be right up so many peoples' alley! Maybe there really is something to all this "sleeping in separate beds makes for a happier relationship" thing?

And to bring it back around the kink, I told S the story of some celeb couple who did this and where only the husband had to the key to both apartments. He liked the idea.

 

[satindesire]

I would LOVE my own bedroom! It would be the PINKEST, FRILLIEST, LACIEST GIRL ROOM IN THE WORLD covered with hello kitty and Collector's Edition Barbies and cat posters and white painted furniture with pink paisley wallpaper and I could have MY OWN CLOSET with a full length mirror and a SHOE WALL JUST FOR HEELS and I could listen to loud music from my favorite girl groups without having to worry about disturbing anyone and my friends could come over and I would paint their nails and do their eyebrows without getting complaints about the fumes and I could have my own mini-fridge with wine and chocolates in it and *faints from lack of air*

 

[satindesire]

I swear to God I'm 30 y'all. I'm just a teenager on the inside.

 

[KoPilot]

I swear to God I'm 30 y'all. I'm just a teenager on the inside.

It's ok, I sort of vibrate between the frequencies of "10 year old boy" and "zen buddhist monk". ;D

You're in excellent company, in other words!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I would LOVE my own bedroom! It would be the PINKEST, FRILLIEST, LACIEST GIRL ROOM IN THE WORLD covered with hello kitty and Collector's Edition Barbies and cat posters and white painted furniture with pink paisley wallpaper and I could have MY OWN CLOSET with a full length mirror and a SHOE WALL JUST FOR HEELS and I could listen to loud music from my favorite girl groups without having to worry about disturbing anyone and my friends could come over and I would paint their nails and do their eyebrows without getting complaints about the fumes and I could have my own mini-fridge with wine and chocolates in it and *faints from lack of air*

Oh, jeeze, I could open the door and look in at all the cute for a minute-- and leave before I get the diabeeties...

 

[Allyourbase]

I would LOVE my own bedroom! It would be the PINKEST, FRILLIEST, LACIEST GIRL ROOM IN THE WORLD covered with hello kitty and Collector's Edition Barbies and cat posters and white painted furniture with pink paisley wallpaper and I could have MY OWN CLOSET with a full length mirror and a SHOE WALL JUST FOR HEELS and I could listen to loud music from my favorite girl groups without having to worry about disturbing anyone and my friends could come over and I would paint their nails and do their eyebrows without getting complaints about the fumes and I could have my own mini-fridge with wine and chocolates in it and *faints from lack of air*

Get your own room. Do it.
That is SO CUTE.

Not that there's anything pink in my house. I actively avoid it.

It's ok, I sort of vibrate between the frequencies of "10 year old boy" and "zen buddhist monk". ;D

You're in excellent company, in other words!

My room is white with wood on the floor and a meditation cushion in the corner. I lack a rice paper room divider. My hesitation there is because of destructive giant cats I cannot get angry at who are not officially allowed in my bedroom.

If I weren't messy, I could give some more wabi sabi hints a try, but if I look at the rest of the house...