"To keep the review thread clean..."

[bogusagain]

My criticism isn't entirely subjective. You spelled her name wrong and your poetry 9 out of 10 times resembles the spam I get in my email box.

ROFL!!!!! When I read your comment, I went to read your poems expecting to find something quite special and what do I find? More often than not, single prose sentences broken up to resemble a verse of sorts.

Can you write more than a single sentence at a time?

There ought to be a law that no other may push your shopping cart but me, and in the grocery under heat no other may make the inquest for you and your produce ripened in detail and oh so mature!

See what I mean?

Why don't you try a little criticism rather than having a temper tantrum, it would be more constructive and then you wouldn't be throwing stones in a glass house.


Oh, your criticism is simply an assertion and as such, subjective in anyone's world but your own. A criticism is backed up with detailed reasons and justifications.

When I wrote those poems I was wondering if they would start a debate or Syl's fans simply see it as a provocation, a blasphemy and issue a fatwah.

I guess you have provided me with an answer.

 

[twelveoone]

Tess, I meant the poem to sound like a nursery rhyme, that's why I wrote it like that, "Oldie beardie manly men". I wrote it after watching the Exorcist and thinking about how much it just looks like clerical sexualization of a young girl.

The Shining
Vaseline on silvered glass
pressed 'tween the cheeky cheeks
of shiny mannish ass*

(arse if you don't like the rhyme)

Self crit
I find this very smooth and poignant in it's poignancy, and hammish in it's Spamificity. But overall illuminating of self absorbency. I would leave more comments in my queenancy, but I have to retrieve my mirror.

 

[twelveoone]

Tess, I meant the poem to sound like a nursery rhyme, that's why I wrote it like that, "Oldie beardie manly men". I wrote it after watching the Exorcist and thinking about how much it just looks like clerical sexualization of a young girl.

so you served up pea soup and peanut butter?

 

[butters]

The Shining
Vaseline on silvered glass
pressed 'tween the cheeky cheeks
of shiny mannish ass*

(arse if you don't like the rhyme)

Self crit
I find this very smooth and poignant in it's poignancy, and hammish in it's Spamificity. But overall illuminating of self absorbency. I would leave more comments in my queenancy, but I have to retrieve my mirror.

i find it kind of anal...

 

[twelveoone]

i find it kind of anal...

I know, I know, stems from a comment that laughed at the 52 pick up and inferred I was trying to be the "Queen of Comments",

wrong card.

 

[butters]

I know, I know, stems from a comment that laughed at the 52 pick up and inferred I was trying to be the "Queen of Comments",

wrong card.

let me see...

knave of hearts?
ace of spades?
lucky deuce?

 

[bogusagain]

twelvoone suggest some cleaning up, i.e. "best avoided", needed? "come and go" replaced with something like trudge

True, I wish I never posted it. It's a lazy poem I wrote last night after arriving home from the bar and witnessing a barman in the doorway of an empty local bar. I should have let the poem gestate for awhile before sending it out but that's what whiskey does to you 1201.

Thanks for the criticism, the poem deserved a more cruel response though. Is age making you sensitive?

 

[twelveoone]

twelvoone suggest some cleaning up, i.e. "best avoided", needed? "come and go" replaced with something like trudge

True, I wish I never posted it. It's a lazy poem I wrote last night after arriving home from the bar and witnessing a barman in the doorway of an empty local bar. I should have let the poem gestate for awhile before sending it out but that's what whiskey does to you 1201.

Thanks for the criticism, the poem deserved a more cruel response though. Is age making you sensitive?

fucking ouch, at least you had the sense to cut it off at one poem.

...and so you stopped it and kept the lonely barman company till they threw you out?

 

[butters]

twelvoone suggest some cleaning up, i.e. "best avoided", needed? "come and go" replaced with something like trudge

True, I wish I never posted it. It's a lazy poem I wrote last night after arriving home from the bar and witnessing a barman in the doorway of an empty local bar. I should have let the poem gestate for awhile before sending it out but that's what whiskey does to you 1201.

Thanks for the criticism, the poem deserved a more cruel response though. Is age making you sensitive?

this is 'hole' we're talking about, right? i've just been in there and left you a raft of comments/suggestions. i don't believe it deserves cruelty, but editing - fer sho'

 

[butters]

it might have been hastily cobbled together, but it has that great word 'potential!' in my opinion.

 

[WilliamButlerYeats]

ROFL!!!!! When I read your comment, I went to read your poems expecting to find something quite special and what do I find? More often than not, single prose sentences broken up to resemble a verse of sorts.

Can you write more than a single sentence at a time?

There ought to be a law that no other may push your shopping cart but me, and in the grocery under heat no other may make the inquest for you and your produce ripened in detail and oh so mature!

See what I mean?

Why don't you try a little criticism rather than having a temper tantrum, it would be more constructive and then you wouldn't be throwing stones in a glass house.


Oh, your criticism is simply an assertion and as such, subjective in anyone's world but your own. A criticism is backed up with detailed reasons and justifications.

When I wrote those poems I was wondering if they would start a debate or Syl's fans simply see it as a provocation, a blasphemy and issue a fatwah.

I guess you have provided me with an answer.

That poem is part and parcel to a garland, bloke. A garland is a grouping of poems on one subject. If you look at individual poems posted, most of mine resemble the simple lyricism of:

In this wheel you are the premise,
the immovable mover and pivot,
the hub, remiss umbilicus, and center
the hilum at separation,
the mark and merestone of the damned,
borne by an idolator in his adulation.

or

There will be hyacinths in your garden,
where you've planted your bulbs for spring,
and you know that

The ash from your hearth won't harden,
as the peasants will have kept it clean;

But the tubers in your tilled earth,
will have been bitten,
by those same dirty children,
and soiled women.
...
Peasant faces reflecting,
the sacring bell shook, sabots flying
and the Right-To-Work.


Which is not to say I don't write prose poetry, because I do. The fatwah is against poetry such as your 'Hole' where there's no lyricism whatsoever.

the barman has watched armies
come and go on the turn of dawn
bodies strewn like litter
without ceremony, their bones
shoveled into carts
street names changed
with each new regime

^^^ No poetic elements, laurels received from your friends due to prose.

 

[butters]

the barman has watched armies
come and go on the turn of dawn
bodies strewn like litter
without ceremony, their bones
shoveled into carts
street names changed
with each new regime

^^^ No poetic elements, laurels received from your friends due to prose.

incorrect

 

[twelveoone]

let me see...

knave of hearts?
ace of spades?
lucky deuce?

Four by thirteen, unlucky numbers
slumber with their kings and queens
I am alone, where is my other?
I don't need another, I have the lumber
but the world is a sadder place
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Now aren't you glad chipperlowski, I didn't submit the massive prose poem I just wrote, 'cause you would had to read it. And you would have. Just to find out what does he mean by the subtitle. Just to find out where I'm going with it. Unlike most of mine, this one has a very, very happy ending...for the "poets"
it is a tale told by an idiot, droning and rambling, signifying nothing, Oh wait there is something there, this guy is so aweful, what can I steal?
I love awe full, don't you? It is one of those things that have changed, like wabi and sabi, I am soooooooo bad.

 

[twelveoone]

That poem is part and parcel to a garland, bloke. A garland is a grouping of poems on one subject. If you look at individual poems posted, most of mine resemble the simple lyricism of:

In this wheel you are the premise,
the immovable mover and pivot,
the hub, remiss umbilicus, and center
the hilum at separation,
the mark and merestone of the damned,
borne by an idolator in his adulation.

or

There will be hyacinths in your garden,
where you've planted your bulbs for spring,
and you know that

The ash from your hearth won't harden,
as the peasants will have kept it clean;

But the tubers in your tilled earth,
will have been bitten,
by those same dirty children,
and soiled women.
...
Peasant faces reflecting,
the sacring bell shook, sabots flying
and the Right-To-Work.


Which is not to say I don't write prose poetry, because I do. The fatwah is against poetry such as your 'Hole' where there's no lyricism whatsoever.

the barman has watched armies
come and go on the turn of dawn
bodies strewn like litter
without ceremony, their bones
shoveled into carts
street names changed
with each new regime

^^^ No poetic elements, laurels received from your friends due to prose.

You want a fatwah, do something, leave a comment, a name, instead of this inane d-Hing what has been going on. I know it is very hard for you and your bud to do. Your 5 poems, there have been at least 10 in the past month that are better I've seen from you, most mysteriously d-H-ed.
ARE YOU FUCKING SIRIUS
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

BTW your second is better than the first one? why?
nounier nouns, but it looks like dull roots.
Edited to add emphasis on the word simple

 

[butters]

Four by thirteen, unlucky numbers
slumber with their kings and queens
I am alone, where is my other?
I don't need another, I have the lumber
but the world is a sadder place
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Now aren't you glad chipperlowski, I didn't submit the massive prose poem I just wrote, 'cause you would had to read it. And you would have. Just to find out what does he mean by the subtitle. Just to find out where I'm going with it. Unlike most of mine, this one has a very, very happy ending...for the "poets"
it is a tale told by an idiot, droning and rambling, signifying nothing, Oh wait there is something there, this guy is so aweful, what can I steal?
I love awe full, don't you? It is one of those things that have changed, like wabi and sabi, I am soooooooo bad.

the world has a space for the good and the bad. even the ugly! awe-filled, awe-fueled, it's awe-right by me

 

[bogusagain]

The fatwah is against poetry such as your 'Hole' where there's no lyricism whatsoever.

That's the point DUH! There is no lyricism because there is not meant to be any lyricism. My point is to avoid being polite and overly reverent to the art of poetry.

^^^ No poetic elements, laurels received from your friends due to prose.

I think you will find that assertion far from the truth, you know most of the people that post here far better than I do.

 

[twelveoone]

That's the point DUH! There is no lyricism because there is not meant to be any lyricism. My point is to avoid being polite and overly reverent to the art of poetry.



I think you will find that assertion far from the truth, you know most of the people that post here far better than I do.

some of the people write far, far, better, most of the people aren't as inane, and stupid enough to believe a set of accolades from emp. And I hope most of the people have sense not to believe the condemnation from this crowd.

 

[twelveoone]

^^^ No poetic elements, laurels received from your friends due to prose.

Are you pissed because I gave him a 5 and you got a 4
let me wipe your widdle nose, mimicing something he said to me

Bog used nounier nouns, his meant something, yours, I didn't care to find out.
Now, a question? How much effort did it take to write
There will be hyacinths in your garden,
where you've planted your bulbs for spring,
and you know that

The ash from your hearth won't harden,
as the peasants will have kept it clean;

answer, not much, you take your tools and do cake walks, it shows, you don't think things out

 

[twelveoone]

My Hand Controller Shakes on its Own

Billy was a strange ranger
became a pastor, passes out
snakes and strychnine
Verily he speaks in tongues
but it all sounds like the Bird is the Word
and Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong
I blame it all on Donkey Kong
Billy just had to get to the next level
in the great video game of God.

ah, the simple lyricism of things people can relate to.

 

[butters]

My Hand Controller Shakes on its Own

Billy was a strange ranger
became a pastor, passes out
snakes and strychnine
Verily he speaks in tongues
but it all sounds like the Bird is the Word
and Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong
I blame it all on Donkey Kong
Billy just had to get to the next level
in the great video game of God.

ah, the simple lyricism of things people can relate to.

*thinking....*

Billy was a strange ranger.... sounds like something off the pages of a stephen king, world-skipping and gunslingin'...

*shakes head to escape reverie*
well, i like it!

 

[bogusagain]

My Hand Controller Shakes on its Own

Billy was a strange ranger
became a pastor, passes out
snakes and strychnine
Verily he speaks in tongues
but it all sounds like the Bird is the Word
and Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong
I blame it all on Donkey Kong
Billy just had to get to the next level
in the great video game of God.

ah, the simple lyricism of things people can relate to.

Jeez, it's so easy for you isn't it?

Sometimes I think your head is more dangerous than Fukushima.

 

[butters]

Jeez, it's so easy for you isn't it?

Sometimes I think your head is more dangerous than Fukushima.

but is it post-modernism? futurism? post-futurism?
i seriously don't give a stuff about these damned labels people keep sticking on writing - just write and let it be what it is. that has to be more important than any ... ism.

and i'm out of here now. damned domestic stuff won't do itself.

*waves to all and sun-dried.*

 

[twelveoone]

Jeez, it's so easy for you isn't it?

Sometimes I think your head is more dangerous than Fukushima.

No it is not.
I had to look up how to spell "strychnine".
see the thread called the pap test, I just know how to work the shift, most of the bad poetry, some of the good, is like driving down the state highway in automatic or cruise control, looking at the cows and billboards. Predetermined start and finish for the reader. All I got to say, is the billboards better be interesting 'cause the cows sure ain't.
And watch out for the trucks.

 

[sandyb]

Thanks to chipbutty for the favorable comments on my little poem acts. I was pleased that you enjoyed my selection of "cream" for the ending. Also, I want to acknowledge your criticism of my other offering - "safety tips for the apocalypse" - it was just a bit of whimsy that probably shouldnt have been sumitted.

 

[bluerains]

Td Bank

Enemy