What do all of you in sexless marriages do for sex?

[lmc89]

Would you consider initiating that? Or are you saying, like, only if the other person does?

Will probably suggest it next year, can’t go through life unsatisfied/miserable

 

[ned63]

My hand is used to on my cock for sex. A FWB would be great mmmmm A cam partner too would be so nice!

 

[HampshireBoy]

Some posters in this thread seem astonished that a sexless marriage can exist at all, let alone be healthy otherwise.

I’d suggest reading up on the concept of asexuality. Many things made sense to me once I understood that this is a real thing in some people, also that it’s not a yes/no proposition, that it exists in degrees.

As for the question of what does one do for sex?…. I’ve tried most everything.

For me asexuality is a different thing, I have a mate whom has never been interested in sex. He has plenty of male and female friends, buthas never been married.

 

[Topher1972]

I have an out of town girlfriend that takes care of my sexual needs. I know some of you will condemn this and me for it but I couldn’t care less. A man has to do what a man has to do.

 

[TheEternalBeachBum]

I have an out of town girlfriend that takes care of my sexual needs. I know some of you will condemn this and me for it but I couldn’t care less. A man has to do what a man has to do.

I went this route for a while... twice actually. But those out of town female friends, despite being "out of town", got too attached, needing more of my attention than I was able or willing to provide. I managed to break things off amicably in each case. So, I've sworn off having girlfriends.

 

[Britva415]

some of you will condemn this and me for it but I couldn’t care less

The only one who matters is your wife.

Would she?

 

[Britva415]

For me asexuality is a different thing

Different from what?

You know this one person who didn't marry but asexuals do marry.

Many of them don't realize they're asexual until after they're married - or maybe they become asexual after they're married. A lot of these spouses we read about are functionally asexual even if they don't identify that way or would deny it. I don't see the difference (as far as the partner is concerned) between a spouse identifying as asexual and explaining one's lack of interest in sex that way, or, lacking interest in sex anyway but not identifying as asexual.

So I don't know if you mean "different" because you think asexuals don't marry, or, if you think someone married to an asexual is in a different situation than someone who is married to someone who doesn't want sex for some other reason.

I don't really see them as different. One person wants sex, the other person doesn't, it sucks either way.

 

[Britva415]

Will probably suggest it next year, can’t go through life unsatisfied/miserable

You're kind of saying two different things here. How unsatisfied/miserable are you? Why wait till next year?

 

[sarod]

Porn and masturbation of course. Is that healthy? Fuck no definitely not! But I don't even get turned on by her anymore since she shut that shit down years ago and its what you do is become a cold turkey just as bad as her becoming a cold fish. You stop caring as it helps you not hurt anymore when you just stop caring. Sexless marriage? We don't even kiss anymore, we're just roomies and platonic at this point.

 

[Bisnjguy]

Porn and masturbation of course. Is that healthy? Fuck no definitely not! But I don't even get turned on by her anymore since she shut that shit down years ago and its what you do is become a cold turkey just as bad as her becoming a cold fish. You stop caring as it helps you not hurt anymore when you just stop caring. Sexless marriage? We don't even kiss anymore, we're just roomies and platonic at this point.

Just about like my situation. That’s why I have friends to be with.

 

[HampshireBoy]

Different from what?

You know this one person who didn't marry but asexuals do marry.

Many of them don't realize they're asexual until after they're married - or maybe they become asexual after they're married. A lot of these spouses we read about are functionally asexual even if they don't identify that way or would deny it. I don't see the difference (as far as the partner is concerned) between a spouse identifying as asexual and explaining one's lack of interest in sex that way, or, lacking interest in sex anyway but not identifying as asexual.

So I don't know if you mean "different" because you think asexuals don't marry, or, if you think someone married to an asexual is in a different situation than someone who is married to someone who doesn't want sex for some other reason.

I don't really see them as different. One person wants sex, the other person doesn't, it sucks either way.

Sorry I wasn't clear enough. To me an asexual is someone whom has never been interested, as opposed to someone who was but due to medical issues loses interest. Probably not the medical definition but they are very different circumstances.

If someone is asexual and is clear about it before entering marriage, that is very different from only telling their partner after marriage. I'm quite sure that some asexual people get married, for all sorts of reasons.

Also, having a partner who was once very sexual and no longer is is very different to having a partner whom has never been sexual.

Just my opinion on the matter, and I agree it doesn't matter what the causes are being in the situation sucks.

 

[LMWM321]

What I struggle to understand is how one person in a marriage can stop caring about their OWN sexual activity, but still care enough about their partners to try and control it!?

A cultural re-think of marriage and fidelity is in order. Once one partner in a marriage has lost all interest in sex, it should be viewed as completely normal and understandable that the other person seeks it elsewhere. If you really love your partner shouldn't you want that for them? ..If I suddenly lost interest in exercising (b/c of age, health problems, etc..) I surely wouldn't tell my wife, "Sorry, but you have to stop exercising too!" ..WTF?

Of course, this assumes the reason the one spouse lost interest isn't because the other is a terrible lover or partner. ..If that's the case, well.... then I sorta get it. But if the relationship is otherwise happy & healthy, I simply don't understand the depth of selfishness to tell a spouse, "I'm done with sex, so now you are too."

 

[Tayloroc]

You raise the question of the ages. I suspect most of us are here because our partners, no matter how much we care about them, have lost ALL interest. As especially as we age, we realize that time is fleeting and not to be wasted. What’s the harm??

 

[Topher1972]

Very well said all. Thanks for the input and insight.

 

[Deadfreak]

All of the stages of grieving

 

[lovedoublepenetration]

Am addicted to gangbangs and dps. I fuck around as many cocks as I can as frequent as I can.

 

[UtilityCurve]

Not offering these as an argument in any way. Call it research if you must.

Obviously, she is offering opinions from outside of a marriage and inside sex work. But I appreciate her candor.

Losing interest in sex is a tragedy in any relationship, for BOTH partners. Full stop.

(The "I don't miss it a bit" crowd has issues I cannot begin to enumerate.)

And on the assumption that the "lost" partner DOES miss "being found," I wonder if coming at the problem like it's a "we" thing, not just a "me" thing might be the only reasonable approach.

Since I tend to overthink things (the chess player in me), I wonder if (performative?) indifference to lost libido isn't a defensive mechanism.

 

[Britva415]

A person doesn't owe anybody sex, and conversely they aren't owed a relationship.

I wonder if coming at the problem like it's a "we" thing, not just a "me" thing might be the only reasonable approach.

It's working for me, but it takes both people to do this. One person can't make it a "we" thing.

I wonder if (performative?) indifference to lost libido isn't a defensive mechanism.

Maybe sometimes, but, the indifference is often real. Like... if lost libido is defined as (at best) indifference to sex and (at worst) active resistance to sex, why would appearing to not care about the absence of libido be performative?

What would be even worse would be a performative non-indifference to it. No libido? Don't fake it. We can tell, and, it's not a thrill. And don't fake interest in getting it back when you are in fact not interested in that. That's manipulation.

 

[strongnsensual]

I've been taking overnight trips with our dog a fair bit lately. He's needed a lot of medical care. My wife has been making a lot of comments about he and I cruising for chicks. This is about recent trips, and upcoming trips. It's been keeping us both more turned on than usual. I'm starting to look, but boy is it annoying how much BS is out there on web sites.

Any women in Colorado Springs later this week want a romantic dinner followed by wherever the evening takes us? Drinks, we talk, get to know each other, wondering if the connection will develop... You wondering whether I'm actually a good masseuse, or I'm kidding myself. Me wondering if you're right mix of adventurous and real, what your lips would feel like on mine... Do you have a husband at home going crazy? Or are you single and looking for one night of never to be repeated experiences?

 

[Jordanjack]

lots of masturbation. I also spend time in sex chat rooms to scratch the itch that my wife doesn't scratch.

 

[Britva415]

My wife has been making a lot of comments about he and I cruising for chicks

Serious comments? Like, she allows it?

 

[ParkerSteve66]

I would hre escorts before I found a slut that only wanted NSA sex.

 

[Rip_isback]

I guess that when I married my wife, I expected that regular sex was part of the arrangement. I think that she expected me to cut the grass, help with the dishes, and get along with her nutty sister. I still cut the grass, do the dishes most of the time, and dealt with her nutty sister until my wife axed that relationship. Within 10 years of our marriage (2nd marriage for both of us ... so no kids in common) she decided that she wasn't interested in sex any longer (except that 6-month span when an old boyfriend showed her some attention). I figured that her declaration of independence from sex meant that she was saying that "she" was planning to be celibate into the future. However, I didn't give her permission to make that decision for me.

Thanks to the advent of the internet, I've filled the void in a variety of ways: 1) Lots of porn and masturbation; 2) A few lady friends that I've gotten to know along the way ... some short-term and some long-term; 3) I've had a few guys that I've met here and there as well.

The grass still gets cut, the dishes still get washed, and I don't have to deal with the nutty sister any longer. My wife doesn't have to deal with my sexual needs, and I don't flaunt how I choose to fill the void that she created. I don't give a fuck if she cares or not. When I get home from being out and I get pressed as to where I've been, I simply tell her that I've been to Betty's Blowjob Bazaar and leave it at that.

 

[Nevertoolate2500]

I have an FWB. And we masturbate on face time when we can’t do it in person.

 

[Jay Richards]

I have an out of town girlfriend that takes care of my sexual needs. I know some of you will condemn this and me for it but I couldn’t care less. A man has to do what a man has to do.

I don't condemn you at all. I admire you.