What do all of you in sexless marriages do for sex?

[Forrest69]

That's what I did. Took a while, ha (over the years, I did try, again and again. But grew weary of it after no results...but then tried again recently, much more determined this go around!).

Before that: erotic stories, phone sex, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, DVDs, women masturbating, lesbians, three way sex, wife sharing, cum shots, then I started flirting with other women at my work, old girlfriends on Facebook. Then one on one cam shows, strip clubs...and then...overcoming our poor communication habits! I confessed my hunger to my very religious wife, and was very unapologetic about loving to jack off to porn but that I wanted more and a connection with her, like therapy for my lust. Months later, she happily watched me masturbate to my favorite porn models and I watched her take a larger dildo and orgasm repeatedly with it. Really got off on it, I bought one larger and thicker than me, paid good money for a good realistic cock. Fun!!

Congrats! Happy for you that your wife reconnected!

 

[pplwatching]

I've been on Lit and other boards for about 2/3 of our marriage, starting at about the time that kids, life stresses, and other things led to the sexual doldrums. I've written a lot on lit about my marriage through the years, including lamenting, staying, reconnecting, surviving the dead bedroom, and the ebb and flow of sex and mismatched libidos as we've grown older together.

I'll skip all of that here and just answer the question. Fortunately, I've always had a good imagination. I've written erotica as a sexual outlet. I've explored a lot of different ways to masturbate, including edging, prostate toys, and electro stimulation. I've gone through stages where porn is vicarious substitute or a frustrating reminder of what's not happening in my bedroom that I don't watch for a long time.

It's not ideal by any means, and I've certainly relied on and developed my imagination, but it's what I chose when I had the opportunity (and still choose) and always been "sex for one" if my wife isn't interested. I've never cheated either online or in real life.

I will say that fortunately, my wife understands that sex is important to me and to our marriage. She's aware when "it's been a while" and makes an effort to initiate when I've backed off for whatever reason. The frequency is low, but she makes a solid effort to be present when we do have sex.

 

[Gambit33]

Masturbate every day as often as possible

Every single chance I get! Its better when there's a sexy lady there to help me!

 

[Wanking_Frank]

I used to masturbate probably once after she went to sleep and again before she woke up, and/or after she woke up and got in the shower

I would estimate we went at least 12 years without doing anything despite me asking once every month or two. I put up with it for the sake of children and I guess I didn't realize just how toxic she was for my life.

I really didn't have a good reason to stay/not cheat other than giving my children some stability but she mostly ignored them too, still does.

I separated from her 5 years ago, I've tried dating other women but haven't really gotten very far with that. I've often fantasized about having sex with men and so I took the plunge and hooked up with a few guys after our separation which was exhilarating.

I don't really want a relationship with a guy, I suppose maybe it could happen, but I'd much rather make an emotional and sexual connection with a women, I just wonder if I'm too broken to even do that anymore.

 

[Wanking_Frank]

What woman wants to get with a 50 year old overweight dude with almost no sexual experience. I don't lead with that but if a relationship ever did started going somewhere it's going to be a problem. It is sad because I'm a kind loving person who deserved better. I've been in therapy but I probably haven't really told everything there is to tell. I've never spoken about my sex life or lack thereof with my therapist so there are definitely some unresolved issues, but I don't even know if they can be fixed at this point.

 

[pplwatching]

What woman wants to get with a 50 year old overweight dude with almost no sexual experience. I don't lead with that but if a relationship ever did started going somewhere it's going to be a problem.

This is off topic for this thread, but If you want something more than just sex, then this is really an undeserved generalization that oversimplifies what relationships are about. Just look around you when you go out. There's couples of all shapes, sizes, and (subjectively) attractiveness. It will be hard for women to see that you are "a loving person" when they see that you can't love yourself first. Our lady friends who are looking would put men's weight and experience much further down the list than emotional availability, maturity, personality, having self confidence, taking care of themselves emotionally, and (a topic that comes up) willingness to be a part of the give-and-take of relationships. I wish you the best on your road to fulfillment.

 

[alexgriffin74]

What woman wants to get with a 50 year old overweight dude with almost no sexual experience. I don't lead with that but if a relationship ever did started going somewhere it's going to be a problem. It is sad because I'm a kind loving person who deserved better. I've been in therapy but I probably haven't really told everything there is to tell. I've never spoken about my sex life or lack thereof with my therapist so there are definitely some unresolved issues, but I don't even know if they can be fixed at this point.

I could have written this myself. Stay strong, man. It ain't easy.

 

[Lucien_Al]

You don't think asexuality is a thing?

I am certain it is but for me when you have enjoyed a fulfilling sex life for many years and one partner becomes asexual its a bit tough on the remaining partner.

I guess the reason for becoming asexual is the big question.

 

[Hardcane69]

Pleasure myself to women's conversations here on lit

 

[Britva415]

I guess the reason for becoming asexual is the big question.

I am certain it is but for me when you have enjoyed a fulfilling sex life for many years and one partner becomes asexual its a bit tough on the remaining partner.

I guess the reason for becoming asexual is the big question.

So, you’re convinced that it’s a medical thing (in your case)?

Some perspective: when people who aren’t asexual develop medical issues which deprive them of their own sexuality, they’re usually pretty distressed about it and motivated to find out whether anything can be done about it.

If this doesn’t describe your wife, then…

 

[Lucien_Al]

So, you’re convinced that it’s a medical thing (in your case)?

Some perspective: when people who aren’t asexual develop medical issues which deprive them of their own sexuality, they’re usually pretty distressed about it and motivated to find out whether anything can be done about it.

If this doesn’t describe your wife, then…

Yes in the case of my late wife it was a medical thing and she tried very hard and many different options to make any penetration less painful but only had mixed success.

 

[van_delay]

Very unoriginal answer, I know, but lots of porn and masturbation.

 

[Shark9000]

Like most on here, I just take care of myself. Its been 11 years now with nothing.

Thankfully I have a good memory of the good times, a good imagination and use that as fuel for my fun.

 

[Britva415]

Yes in the case of my late wife it was a medical thing and she tried very hard and many different options to make any penetration less painful but only had mixed success.

I see, so, not asexual.

 

[Hipshot1554]

look to chat on here and following directions etc lonely position glad i have some one to chat with then they leave

Long tern is so much better...

 

[strongnsensual]

Well, my wife is convincing me. She's started calling me a stud, we've had wonderful together time and then later that day she gives me permission without me asking... She's mentioned a few rules (she's the only one allowed to swallow me, I have to stay healthy, don't let anything happen that would embarrass her).

There are gifts so precious is would be wrong to refuse them. And I think part of her wants to know her man is a strong stud. She has even mentioned watching once or twice, but backed away quickly.

And far from all this discussion pulling us apart, our emotional connection is stronger than ever. Fuck, I love her so much.

I think I want to find some women to chat with to start.

 

[meursault05]

Pay for it. And wank.

 

[Britva415]

far from all this discussion pulling us apart, our emotional connection is stronger than ever

Matches my experience.

 

[Snowsix]

I'm not married, just to be honest and maybe that fact will place me in the 'well then you wouldn't understand.' crowd, that being said if I ever do marry and my husband (which, to be fair it sounds like this is typically a wife witholding sex issue, not so much the other way around.) decides to no longer have an interest in sex, then he will find himself divorced.

Unless there is a medical condition that prevents a spouse from engaging in sex, then I feel like there's either an psychological problem, or something more sinister happening, further if my (theoretical) husband ever suggested I find myself a boyfriend to scratch that itch, then that would only expedite that divorce.

Sex has to remain an active part of any loving relationship in my opinion, if one partner no longer wants to participate, then I believe it's time to move on.

I'm not preaching, just answering what I would 'do for sex' in that kind of relationship.

 

[Jay Richards]

And have spilled and licked up a lot of my cum while reading your stories!!!

Thank you, that's the greatest compliment. I often cum from my own stories too. Once I remember I was writing a cum eating story (it got about 300,000 reads) my cock was aching. I dropped my pants under my table and stroked my cock as I typed with one hand, I came all over the floor under the table. I saw stars!!

 

[Britva415]

to be fair it sounds like this is typically a wife witholding sex issue, not so much the other way around

We've seen a fair amount of other-way-around too. Probably not as common but not unheard-of either.

Get this sorted out before he puts a ring on it. Like maybe even talk out loud about "what if you stop wanting sex" or at the very least, if you don't want to ask, then at least express "this is what would happen if you stopped wanting sex" and make sure he knows you mean it.

Once the knot is tied, what you make sound easy becomes far, far less easy than you think it will be. Especially if there is no other downside to the marriage besides this one thing.

Me, I would leave if it weren't for our ethical nonmonogamy agreement (transparent extramarital sex).

 

[Deadfreak]

 

[Snowsix]

Get this sorted out before he puts a ring on it. Like maybe even talk out loud about "what if you stop wanting sex" or at the very least, if you don't want to ask, then at least express "this is what would happen if you stopped wanting sex" and make sure he knows you mean it.

I realize that I may have a different view from others, but for me, a relationship has to include friendship, love, and certainly sex. If it's missing any of those needs, then I'm not in the right relationship and it's time to move on.

Once the knot is tied, what you make sound easy becomes far, far less easy than you think it will be. Especially if there is no other downside to the marriage besides this one thing.

Me, I would leave if it weren't for our ethical nonmonogamy agreement (transparent extramarital sex).

I don't mean to make things sound easy, only what is acceptable or not for me. I can't begin to imagine the complexities of navigating a divorce, but I would definitely try to avoid that drastic measure if at all possible.

If I suddenly wasn't getting that good loving, then I'd ask why, and I'd want to work it out, but if I ever heard something like 'I'm just not interested in sex anymore' or far worse 'Just go find yourself a guy to fuck on the side.' that would be difficult to recover from.

Again, just speaking for myself, I won't ever remain in a sexless relationship.

 

[Snowsix]

I don't disagree...but marriage can be challenging with competing interests and life-stuff. I am happily married. We work on our sex life - it's good, not great. We both work stressful jobs. When she's stressed, she avoids sex. When I'm stressed, I crave sex. So, it's an imbalance of sorts. I hear you - you need to work on this, but it's not a simple proposition. Happy to chat more...

I would also think that a marriage would be considerate of basic needs that each person requires/desires.

I consider someone marrying and then at some point in the future hearing from their spouse that they aren't interested in sex, or some other non-medical reason to no longer want sex to be part of the relationship a deal breaker. Complex or not, it's a major component of any relationship, and for one person to decide for both people involved that sex is no longer available would definitely be my queue to move on.

 

[Snowsix]

I agree in my own relationship...though I imagine that for many, it's complex. People go through a lot of ups and downs in marriage, and sometimes it's worth staying in a marriage even without the sex. Thankfully, I've never reached that point and hope not to. The sex is still very rewarding, just not as frequent as I'd like.

I can certainly understand if there's a situation that temporarily impacts sex, but to have someone that supposedly loves me decide they aren't interested in sex, permanently... would queue the lawyers..

I understand that there are complexities and I can't honestly presume to understand what a long marriage and all of the moving parts that a relationship like that entails, but I know there would never be a time that I could ever look at a spouse and say I was finished with sex, and to go off and get it elsewhere, or just as bad, pretend that it's okay that I decided my spouse would now also be in a relationship without sex.

Also, you mentioned this:

and sometimes it's worth staying in a marriage even without the sex.

Is it similarly sometimes okay to stay in a loveless marriage? I


I know this all reads far too black and white for real life, but this is how I feel about the subject.