When your marriage has 2 very different sexual appetites, what to do

[Mtnmike]

Exactly it. There’s things if I’d know before I’d not gotten married. Too late now though!

It is a shame that people in this situation don't have a place to meet & discuss thing's, nothing physical unless both agree to it. It helps getting it off your chest, talking about it does help, if you can trust that person.

 

[adamISOeve]

dear Jay and Mike, It seems you two have uncovered pretty well the essence of all root causes for the problems talked about on this thread. They range from plain deception to desires and sex drives which simply change over time. And maybe the biggest root cause nobody has mentioned yet: for 99% of the history of human life on earth, men and women had only about ten years available for having sex, maybe 15 at most; afterwards they were dead.

And the mechanism that Mother Nature designed, sex drive in various forms, worked pretty well for that short a time span. But now we have not ten years available but more than 60 on average, and evolution has simply not caught up with this mighty change yet.

So couples craving sexual bliss for longer – can’t count on evolution merely. And very rarely will BOTH parts of a couple tick the same way. Regarding their imagination for prolonging great sex.

 

[Boredwithtnt]

So much wow and just me shaking my head reading this forum.

So I have been a long time lurker on this site using it as a way to release stress but also explore kinks i may or may not have.
Similar situation to many here. Married to an amazing women, with two wonderful kids. Sex is there but its been a point of contention since we got married.

Well my case I can specifically point to the exact day things changed. It was 6 months prior to our wedding and she wanted to go cold sexual turkey to make sure I wasnt in it just for the sex. I was slammed and super frustrated, but loved her and did it...or did not in this case. Ever since then this argument popped up now and then about how i would just be happy for any woman that just gives it up.

So now down the road we keep having the same arguments. Again and again...I want sex to much, i say she doesnt initiate enough or feel like she doesnt find me desirable.

Now i have my faults, Im a disabled combat vet with depression and PTSD. And that makes for loving me take alot of effort.

I just want her to want me without making her uncomfortable or bothered. I feel like sex and intimacy shouldn't be a chore.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

So much wow and just me shaking my head reading this forum.

So I have been a long time lurker on this site using it as a way to release stress but also explore kinks i may or may not have.
Similar situation to many here. Married to an amazing women, with two wonderful kids. Sex is there but its been a point of contention since we got married.

Well my case I can specifically point to the exact day things changed. It was 6 months prior to our wedding and she wanted to go cold sexual turkey to make sure I wasnt in it just for the sex. I was slammed and super frustrated, but loved her and did it...or did not in this case. Ever since then this argument popped up now and then about how i would just be happy for any woman that just gives it up.

So now down the road we keep having the same arguments. Again and again...I want sex to much, i say she doesnt initiate enough or feel like she doesnt find me desirable.

Now i have my faults, Im a disabled combat vet with depression and PTSD. And that makes for loving me take alot of effort.

I just want her to want me without making her uncomfortable or bothered. I feel like sex and intimacy shouldn't be a chore.

We started going to a couple's trainer (therapist), and it is starting to help. Mind you that there is no switch that just flips instantly, but there are improvements that are felt. Just hearing my wife tell me that she experienced an "aha moment" after attending the meetings was very nice. Would love to have more private time together, but lack of babysitter makes things tough. One reason we are where we are now.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

Im a disabled combat vet with depression and PTSD.

Thank you for your service. Hubby is a non-combat Marine Corps vet, and my dad was a WWII vet. I know the sacrifices all too well, and you have my gratitude.

 

[Wishingbox]

We started going to a couple's trainer (therapist), and it is starting to help. Mind you that there is no switch that just flips instantly, but there are improvements that are felt. Just hearing my wife tell me that she experienced an "aha moment" after attending the meetings was very nice. Would love to have more private time together, but lack of babysitter makes things tough. One reason we are where we are now.

I’m glad to hear you’re experiencing some aha moments with your wife. Hopefully you find some too with understanding her perspective. Even if it doesn’t magically change into super sex and fix everything there is something really validating in feeling more authentically scene by your partner. I also feel like there seems to be less shame personally.

We’ve had a few more talks over the months but I’m trying to take a step back and not put so much pressure to fix things. Rarely does that seem to help compared to pointing something out then letting the other work their way to approaching it.

My wife has gotten better at coming in for hugs once or twice in the day now which is wonderful. She also is more clear about being open or closed off to sex. She understands more that I can’t read her mind and need her to vocalize where she is at so I don’t build up expectations if she already is at a no that day.

I hope your counseling continues to deliver more aha moments and deeper intimacy for the two of you!

 

[acem05]

If you enter into the marriage knowing that your sex drives/desire for sex is different then it’s a conscious choice but when you get married and the other person acts like they like sex a lot and affection then suddenly stops it’s quite damaging.

This sentence NAILS it in my opinion. Interesting thread overall.

 

[adamISOeve]

a note to acem regarding your signature text, (Joined in my 20's when I was single, optimistic, and couldn't get laid.
Now I'm in my 30's married, pessimistic, and still cant get laid.):

I suggest you wait until you are in your 40s. That's the time when some active women stop getting laid at home, and one of them might be looking for you then. Cheers to you.

 

[acem05]

a note to acem regarding your signature text, (Joined in my 20's when I was single, optimistic, and couldn't get laid.
Now I'm in my 30's married, pessimistic, and still cant get laid.):

I suggest you wait until you are in your 40s. That's the time when some active women stop getting laid at home, and one of them might be looking for you then. Cheers to you.

SO wise Adam, thank you for your wisdom!

 

[mouthful6]

Go insane or figure something out.

 

[Britva415]

Go insane or figure something out.

I'm not there yet, tbh. The good news is, my wife and I communicate extremely well. We might figure out something workable and satisfying for me one of these days.

She knows I've started writing smutty stories on the internet. She knows I'm trying this out as an "outlet."

She's not aromantic. We're deliciously affectionate, and emotionally close, just not sexual (hardly, hardly ever, and never intercourse).

I accept that she's asexual now, and don't get into blame-games, shame-games or any other kind of manipulation.

She has done the medical due diligence, which turned up nothing beyond regular old perimenopause. Some women have libido through it, some lose it, it's not pathological. Will she get it back after the change is complete? Who knows, but she lacked it for a long time before hitting it.

I imagine it might be something like this if a spouse were to come out as transgender or homosexual. Some spouses freak the fuck out and it's over, others are there for their partners and figure out what it means for the marriage. I have a friend who came out and began transitioning MTF a couple of years ago, and she's still married to her apparently-supportive wife. I have no idea what their sex is like these days, if any, and it's none of my business, but if my wife were "suddenly" (I know it doesn't work like this) lesbian instead of asexual, I would respect her new boundaries and we'd figure it out over time. It doesn't happen overnight. And this is different than that, because she wasn't asexual for our first ten or more years. It doesn't mean she's dishonestly withholding it now.

She initiates conversations our "sex life" with me, because she has empathy and knows how I feel. She isn't willing to just go through the motions to please me, but she hears me and is realistic about what the consequences might be if we don't figure something out.

I've been patient and I can be more patient, but I don't hide it when it brings me down.

We were distant and I was becoming very resentful and hopeless last summer, and she broke the ice and we started opening up about it instead of being afraid to.

So we're less than a year into this new openness. We're both vulnerable and if I do get to the point where I can't continue, she won't be surprised and I don't think she'll really be too angry, just heartbroken. Or maybe I'm giving myself credit and am more in the dark than I realize, and she'll surprise me with papers herself.

For all I know, she'll spontaneously (or inevitably) arrive at the idea that sex workers, fuckbuddies or flings for me would be OK with her. She has asked me if I want to cheat, and I have (honestly, so far) said no. But of course I think about sex with other people, not gonna lie to her, she's not in denial or stupid. I just don't think up plans to make it happen, yet.

The stories are a step on a path, not an end-game, and she knows it. I'd rather she do propose something, than have to bring it up myself, and I won't until it's the only alternative to splitting.

I'm not there yet, but I'm not insane yet either. We'll figure it out.

It would be interesting to start a thread on the subject of asexuality. Unfortunately I doubt any asexual people would be present to weigh in and tell their truths. This is an erotica site, after all.

 

[Wishingbox]

I'm not there yet, tbh. The good news is, my wife and I communicate extremely well. We might figure out something workable and satisfying for me one of these days.

She knows I've started writing smutty stories on the internet. She knows I'm trying this out as an "outlet."

She's not aromantic. We're deliciously affectionate, and emotionally close, just not sexual (hardly, hardly ever, and never intercourse).

I accept that she's asexual now, and don't get into blame-games, shame-games or any other kind of manipulation.

She has done the medical due diligence, which turned up nothing beyond regular old perimenopause. Some women have libido through it, some lose it, it's not pathological. Will she get it back after the change is complete? Who knows, but she lacked it for a long time before hitting it.

I imagine it might be something like this if a spouse were to come out as transgender or homosexual. Some spouses freak the fuck out and it's over, others are there for their partners and figure out what it means for the marriage. I have a friend who came out and began transitioning MTF a couple of years ago, and she's still married to her apparently-supportive wife. I have no idea what their sex is like these days, if any, and it's none of my business, but if my wife were "suddenly" (I know it doesn't work like this) lesbian instead of asexual, I would respect her new boundaries and we'd figure it out over time. It doesn't happen overnight. And this is different than that, because she wasn't asexual for our first ten or more years. It doesn't mean she's dishonestly withholding it now.

She initiates conversations our "sex life" with me, because she has empathy and knows how I feel. She isn't willing to just go through the motions to please me, but she hears me and is realistic about what the consequences might be if we don't figure something out.

I've been patient and I can be more patient, but I don't hide it when it brings me down.

We were distant and I was becoming very resentful and hopeless last summer, and she broke the ice and we started opening up about it instead of being afraid to.

So we're less than a year into this new openness. We're both vulnerable and if I do get to the point where I can't continue, she won't be surprised and I don't think she'll really be too angry, just heartbroken. Or maybe I'm giving myself credit and am more in the dark than I realize, and she'll surprise me with papers herself.

For all I know, she'll spontaneously (or inevitably) arrive at the idea that sex workers, fuckbuddies or flings for me would be OK with her. She has asked me if I want to cheat, and I have (honestly, so far) said no. But of course I think about sex with other people, not gonna lie to her, she's not in denial or stupid. I just don't think up plans to make it happen, yet.

The stories are a step on a path, not an end-game, and she knows it. I'd rather she do propose something, than have to bring it up myself, and I won't until it's the only alternative to splitting.

I'm not there yet, but I'm not insane yet either. We'll figure it out.

It would be interesting to start a thread on the subject of asexuality. Unfortunately I doubt any asexual people would be present to weigh in and tell their truths. This is an erotica site, after all.

Props to you on your communication. I’m convinced this is the best route even if it doesn’t solve the problem it shows a deep respect for one another.

I’ve learned more about my wife’s sexual drive over the past year or so than the other 10+. It hasn’t solved the frequency issue but we both have more respect for each other and a willingness to help.

I wouldn’t say my wife is asexual but closer to the demisexual realm.

Some of it is years of expectations we put on each other for thinking the other person should be like us mixed in with some adequacy issues. It’s overall much better and we’re exploring some options to improve things with us. I think it’s helped lift some pressure.

Keep up the communication and hopefully she’ll come back around drive wise or be willing to gift you an outlet.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

I have been asexual (mostly because my husband is a physically and emotionally abusive fuckwad, but I won't go there ) for the best part of 13 years, and now, only because my love lives out of state. Once we're together, we're both breaking our sexless streak, believe you me.

For the years when I was truly not interested in sex with him, aside from the abuse it was medication that killed my drive. Ironically, the medication almost killed me, too. It's by the love of a pet, one that I saved many years before, that I'm still alive. I had a brand new medical diagnosis and all of the medication trials that go with it. Anti-depressants are notorious for destroying sex drive, and they killed it dead for me. I seldom withheld intimacy for him, but it was only one-way for years. The medication numbed every aspect of me, not just my brain. It's one of the reasons I'll never take anti-depressants again.

Years after stopping them, when my drive started to come back (right around age 50, it's like something flipped a switch and turned it all back on) my husband was getting sicker with multiple sclerosis. Now, I don't want him because he's still verbally and emotionally abusive, and he has significant issues with function, as MS causes that type of thing. It's too much work, and I'm too emotionally checked out to even consider it. I'm his caregiver first, and it's tough to switch back and forth between caregiver and wife. I don't want the wife role anymore, though if I'm honest with myself, I've not been his wife for years. Mother? Perhaps. It's a little twisted and sick, to be truthful...

Did I just air all my dirty laundry?!? Damn...

 

[Strixaluco]

I have been asexual (mostly because my husband is a physically and emotionally abusive fuckwad, but I won't go there ) for the best part of 13 years, and now, only because my love lives out of state. Once we're together, we're both breaking our sexless streak, believe you me.
[...]
Did I just air all my dirty laundry?!? Damn...

Sometimes you just need to air your dirty laundry.

 

[Wishingbox]

I have been asexual (mostly because my husband is a physically and emotionally abusive fuckwad, but I won't go there ) for the best part of 13 years, and now, only because my love lives out of state. Once we're together, we're both breaking our sexless streak, believe you me.

For the years when I was truly not interested in sex with him, aside from the abuse it was medication that killed my drive. Ironically, the medication almost killed me, too. It's by the love of a pet, one that I saved many years before, that I'm still alive. I had a brand new medical diagnosis and all of the medication trials that go with it. Anti-depressants are notorious for destroying sex drive, and they killed it dead for me. I seldom withheld intimacy for him, but it was only one-way for years. The medication numbed every aspect of me, not just my brain. It's one of the reasons I'll never take anti-depressants again.

Years after stopping them, when my drive started to come back (right around age 50, it's like something flipped a switch and turned it all back on) my husband was getting sicker with multiple sclerosis. Now, I don't want him because he's still verbally and emotionally abusive, and he has significant issues with function, as MS causes that type of thing. It's too much work, and I'm too emotionally checked out to even consider it. I'm his caregiver first, and it's tough to switch back and forth between caregiver and wife. I don't want the wife role anymore, though if I'm honest with myself, I've not been his wife for years. Mother? Perhaps. It's a little twisted and sick, to be truthful...

Did I just air all my dirty laundry?!? Damn...

You’re welcome to share all there here we welcome your honest version of you where you’re at in your marriage and life. What a conplicated and emotionally challenging space to be.

On one hand congratulations for waking up and healing that part of you that has been so suppressed and lost all these years.

And kudos for persevering through the medical challenges and being able to withstand the abuse.

Hugs you’re in good company and often a really healthy thing to do is say it all out loud to confirm what you’re feeling is real and valid.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

I can tell you approximately when things started to change. I started writing romance stories when my mother was still alive. She didn't like the smut—at the time, I'd convinced myself I didn't like it, either—so I started writing very PG stories for her to read. That project has turned into a book, a blog and a second book. But as I got into the stories, I thought it a shame that they were so... vanilla. It reminded me of my married life, and it also reminded me that I used to be a VERY sexual person before I was married 25 years ago. I wrote my first erotic story. It took four months to finish, because I'd go back every day and add more detail to it. It was stuff I thought was sexy (still do!) and it's one of the best erotic stories I've written.
(Sorry guys, that one's just for me!!) Hubby read it and said I was sick, and a pervert. Well, that was a turning point of sorts.

Then, one night, hubby fell in the living room and landed on my mid-century, antique coffee table and broke it. I didn't take it well... so I did something I thought I'd NEVER do—I wrote a Personals Ad right here on Lit. The response was overwhelming, as you might imagine. But I took a chance, and I found something so beautiful and unexpected. He's changed my life for the better. With him, I can explore the old, sexual being I was... the one that's always been lurking below the surface waiting for a chance to emerge.

Now, I just need to find the courage to walk away from an abusive MF, and the means to do so.

 

[Strixaluco]

@AspiringAuthor I've also been in 2 long relationships where my sexuality really faded, almost to the point of hibernating really - just because it just didn't work between me and my ex. I also have an ex (between the other two) with whom I flourished sexually. Not to even talk about this year when I have pretty much returned to life and also found non-vanilla sex...

I hope you find the means to walk away, I believe the courage will then follow. You have already moved a long way!

 

[Booboobear84]

Sometimes this place is just heartbreaking. Not a complaint, just an observation.

 

[BCPSR]

So, my wife and I have been together 20 years, married 19. We started out with an amazing sex life. Then we had kids. She was "injured" while giving birth to our 2nd. She was not properly fixed. For several years sex was extremely painful, but she wouldn't go to the doctor. Finally she did. Doctor tells us what's wrong and that it can be fixed. She went for the first procedure and never went back. That was 10 years ago. We have intercourse maybe 8-9 times a year. We have discussed it ALOT. However, she says she's not going back to the doctor and I should just deal with it.

She says she has no desire for any kind of intimacy. She says she loves me, and I believe her. We are best friends. She just couldn't care if we were ever intimate again.

There are times I feel like finding someone on the side just for the feeling of being wanted and desired. And then my conscience grabs me. There are times I feel like leaving, but then I feel like a total asshole for that.

So I have no answers or ideas. I just want to be wanted, needed, desired, the way I do her. I mean, she is drop dead gorgeous. I call her that and beautiful and all the other loving kind words i can think of, but it doesn't help.

 

[Wishingbox]

So, my wife and I have been together 20 years, married 19. We started out with an amazing sex life. Then we had kids. She was "injured" while giving birth to our 2nd. She was not properly fixed. For several years sex was extremely painful, but she wouldn't go to the doctor. Finally she did. Doctor tells us what's wrong and that it can be fixed. She went for the first procedure and never went back. That was 10 years ago. We have intercourse maybe 8-9 times a year. We have discussed it ALOT. However, she says she's not going back to the doctor and I should just deal with it.

She says she has no desire for any kind of intimacy. She says she loves me, and I believe her. We are best friends. She just couldn't care if we were ever intimate again.

There are times I feel like finding someone on the side just for the feeling of being wanted and desired. And then my conscience grabs me. There are times I feel like leaving, but then I feel like a total asshole for that.

So I have no answers or ideas. I just want to be wanted, needed, desired, the way I do her. I mean, she is drop dead gorgeous. I call her that and beautiful and all the other loving kind words i can think of, but it doesn't help.

I can relate to wanting to be wanted. I think most of us can.

The part that sucks is the unilateral decision she makes is acceptable and ok but if you unilaterally make your own choice outside of hers others will shame you for it.

I resonate with having a stunning wife and we’re trying to work through our differing drives but all the kind words, gestures, service etc mean nothing unless they’re ready to go and want it.

Just know you’re not being wanted in that way doesn’t mean you’re not undesirable or not worthy of desire. For me that’s taken years to come to terms with. I’m no longer ashamed or insecure about my desirability or skills as a partner and lover.

 

[Wishingbox]

I’m still working on trying to be a support and figure out how much and how long to give my wife. Do I do this forever, for years, until the right person comes on to me? I honestly have no idea. I just now I love her and want to try and give her everything I have in chances and opportunities.

Deep down I believe having sex and making love are amazing acts. They can be healing and bonding or just fun. But culture, religion and past experience fuck it all up and make it super messy to navigate. I don’t blame her for that I just ask that we both try to work on it and forgive each other for what we perceive as wrong.

I hope we can meet more in the middle and maybe after 30 years of me meeting her 90% of the way she’ll come around or something else will happen. Who knows.

I’m just trying not to let it turn into resentment or hate. At the moment it’s frustrating. Tonight I get all the things set but she’s a no go.

Her choice is our loss.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

The part that sucks is the unilateral decision she makes is acceptable and ok but if you unilaterally make your own choice outside of hers others will shame you for it.

This is something that others on the outside just don't understand until they're walking in your shoes. I know I didn't understand years ago why spouses cheat... until I recognized what is so very wrong in my own marriage. After I got sick, though, I couldn't have cared less if we were never intimate again. Now that desire has awakened inside me, I realize it wasn't that I didn't want or need intimacy... I just didn't want it with him anymore. After my diagnosis, I told him, encouraged him to leave, but he never did. I should have left the first time he put his hands on me, but I didn't. So many should-haves.

What I'm getting at here is... I totally understand the "whys" of infidelity. I understand how it happens, and why. Never thought I would, but I see it. I'm guilty of cheating myself, and if not for a thousand miles between us, we'd be making that an official affair. Three years ago, I couldn't imagine it. Now I can. How could I shame someone for doing the exact same thing I'm doing? I have no right.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

Has anyone actually successfully nagivated a mismatch in sexual desires in a marriage? I'm not interested in divorcing my husband or going outside of my marriage but I am having a hard time having to always initiate sex and never feeling truly desired. We have young kids so I can understand that he is tired from both home and work stress, but understanding that doesn't really make me feel better emotionally. This is probably anti-feminist and a result of social conditioning but I feel pathetic and inadequate as a woman being the one to desire my male partner more. Are there really any real solutions or do you just have to accept your sex life for what it is if you want to keep your marriage?

 

[lc69hunter]

I am a widower. For the last 13 years of her life she was too ill for sexual activity, and told me I needed to find a girlfriend to satisfy my needs. Despite the fact that I had slept with multiple women at the same time in the past, I didn't feel I could manage 2 relationships at the same time and still do right by my wife, I did not do so, and stuck with her to the end. I don't regret it, and am now making up for lost time and I think she would be happy knowing it.

 

[drobert44]

I am a widower. For the last 13 years of her life she was too ill for sexual activity, and told me I needed to find a girlfriend to satisfy my needs. Despite the fact that I had slept with multiple women at the same time in the past, I didn't feel I could manage 2 relationships at the same time and still do right by my wife, I did not do so, and stuck with her to the end. I don't regret it, and am now making up for lost time and I think she would be happy knowing it.

I had plenty of women, now my wife is quite disabled, no appetite, and I am her caregiver 24/7. I am OK with it, but if I outlive her, watch out!