why do nice finish always finish last?

[SmileyGirl]

there is no doubt I do but as with many things it is much easier said than done

But if you recognise it you are half way there already
Just remind yourself next time.

 

[darkangel86]

Sometimes I get a lil lonely... guess that's why I am on lit, like minded people. No drama, no BS... just fun.

How are ya Dark?

Pretty good can't complain . And you?

 

[Superman2008]

Haha smoooooooth Mr Superman.

LOL ... that's me

 

[darkangel86]

I agree I just find the longer I am alone the harder and slower the moving on becomes

but I have to constantly remind myself to have more confidence, I am an introvert and I go after longshots and seemingly unattainable women

Then maybe you have to change and go for a different kind of girl next time.

I agree with FakeSmile, stop going after long shots, if you have it in your head, even subconsciously, that they are a long shot forget them. Go for someone that is attainable

 

[Superman2008]

Pretty good can't complain . And you?

Not bad... just living the dream, not sure if it's a good one though lol

 

[SassySheDevil]

I agree I just find the longer I am alone the harder and slower the moving on becomes

but I have to constantly remind myself to have more confidence, I am an introvert and I go after longshots and seemingly unattainable women

Doesn't that in turn put you in the same place as the girl going after the bad guy, if you are chasing the wrong girl?
If you know she is "wrong" then you are setting yourself up for failure.

I've learned a lot about myself and how people treat others, over the last year and half. a year and a half ago, I weighed 60 pounds more then I do now, and I watched the change in people as I lost that weight. Some were very supportive and loved me the same. some treated me like I was some completely different person and that really hurt.. Um.. Hello... I'm still me, just less weight.
All the sudden I got attention that I'd never gotten the years prior. Why?? Cause I weighed less. Not cause I was a different person. Cause I LOOKED different.

That taught me a lot about the kind of people I had in my life, I don't want someone to like me for what i look like, I want someone to like me for who I am.

and truth is, I sometimes liked me better when I was heavier, cause I never doubted people liking me for the right reasons..

So it's a HUGE amount of what you look for and who you chose to have in your life.

 

[darkangel86]

Not bad... just living the dream, not sure if it's a good one though lol

Lol, I'm sure the dream is better than you think.

 

[SmileyGirl]

Well now we have put the world to righrs (kinda)
I'm going back to sleep before the sun comes up
Night night x

 

[romantic_perv]

I'm a "nice guy" who's only fairly recently started to really care about the fact that I'm alone. My intellectual pursuits were enough for me (too bad I'm not actually smart), and they still are to a large extent...but I am beginning to feel a hole in my heart from never having had a girlfriend.

I think that my natural intellectual curiosity was exploited by certain people to indoctrinate me pretty heavily into only caring about things like memorizing pointless facts (though I wouldn't place all the blame on them, as there's undoubtedly a genetic component to it as well), and suppressing more natural human instincts which I can only vaguely remember from my childhood. Sorry for sounding so formal, but it feels good to express those thoughts in a (hopefully) clear manner.

 

[J D Danger]

But if you recognise it you are half way there already
Just remind yourself next time.

knowing is indeed half the battle

sorry G.I. Joe flashback

I do try to remind myself daily

 

[wildchild24143]

Sometimes nice guys don't finish at all...

 

[J D Danger]

Doesn't that in turn put you in the same place as the girl going after the bad guy, if you are chasing the wrong girl?
If you know she is "wrong" then you are setting yourself up for failure.

I've learned a lot about myself and how people treat others, over the last year and half. a year and a half ago, I weighed 60 pounds more then I do now, and I watched the change in people as I lost that weight. Some were very supportive and loved me the same. some treated me like I was some completely different person and that really hurt.. Um.. Hello... I'm still me, just less weight.
All the sudden I got attention that I'd never gotten the years prior. Why?? Cause I weighed less. Not cause I was a different person. Cause I LOOKED different.

That taught me a lot about the kind of people I had in my life, I don't want someone to like me for what i look like, I want someone to like me for who I am.

and truth is, I sometimes liked me better when I was heavier, cause I never doubted people liking me for the right reasons..

So it's a HUGE amount of what you look for and who you chose to have in your life.

the women or to be fair woman I am romantically interested in right now would not hurt me like the classic bad boy scenario we have talked about

she would not hurt me at all I trust her completely. It was not always that way but over almost 4 years of friendship I have learned to trust that friendship and I want more

she is unattainable because she is on the other side of the country and coming off a long time relationship. Add to that the fact that I am not 100% sure how she feels about me and you start to see why I am a little messed up

but yes I do feel that I subconsciously set myself up to fail in relationships by going after women coming off of a relationship or women who are too far away so that I can tell myself that I tried and there is no one out there for me without actually putting myself out there

I know what I need to fix is more the how.....

 

[Que]

Some of the behaviors and attributes of a "nice guy" don't seem all that nice from a womans perspective.

Once I realize that I try as hard as I can not to be a 'nice guy'.

Let me explain it to you this way girls aren't dumb they know the guys are interested in them and that there's a sexual component to it.

When out of fear or even just a honorable sense of propriety you aren't clear and direct about your sexual interest it's like they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I understand the front nice guys perspective it seems rude to interject a sexual component very early in talking to a girl... you don't have to be crude you don't have to be pornographic lot, done looking to touch( appropriate touch I'm talking.)

But when you think of yourself as a nice guy... project yourself as a nice guy... what you're telling women s "Hey, sooner or later I'm going to make a pass at you and until I do I want you to sit on pins and needles waiting for that moment when you have to feel bad for rejecting me..


Now I'm this case we're talking about a guy who just simply kinda hangs around and is the friend and loyal and waiting until he sees his opportune moment to escalate it into something interesting.

But every girl is had a guy who was much much worse than that in her life.

He's the guy who shows up and tries to do things for her you know, carry her books complementary or whatever it's like he's building up this little account and when he gets to a point in his head where he feels that he's really earned her affection....

He suddenly expects that he should be doing better than he's doing and eventually gets a little butthurt and lashes out in a passive aggressive way...


Look At all I've done for you and you just don't appreciate me.


In either case the nice guy who really is nice and just never seems to gather the courage or the other guy who tends to think of it like he's earning points towards a trip on his bonus rewards program... Neither guy is sexy to women.

Look we all develop crushes on women some maybe we think they're out of our league they seem to think they're out of our league or maybe the world thinks they're out of our league...( That's rarely true for the reasons that people think it's true... She might be out of your league but not for probably the reasons you think)

If you develop a crush on a girl and you really have some feelings for her it's your job to kind of stuff that... be pleasant don't stalk...back off, approach again later, Be a man about it when you do approach.

She'll appreciate you being forthright and be your feel better about yourself.

In the meantime while you're waiting to be forthright be a little sneaky and make sure that you're noticing and interacting with other girls... A) it will make her feel less stalked B) you'll seem like a man with options and C) it's good practice.

 

[romantic_perv]

But when you think of yourself as a nice guy... project yourself as a nice guy... what you're telling women s "Hey, sooner or later I'm going to make a pass at you and until I do I want you to sit on pins and needles waiting for that moment when you have to feel bad for rejecting me..

Not to be confrontational, but I'm just curious whether you have any kind of evidence for a majority of women feeling that way.

If that's true, then it's very depressing to me because, for good or bad, I've never in my life felt that way. Honestly, to ask a woman out, I have to get past the point where I think I would be inconveniencing her because that is my mindset. Sure, there's some fear on my part...which is natural because I've never done it before. But even if I had no fear (as sometimes I can be very bold), I still don't know if I could do it. I'd feel as though I was putting her out.

I really, really hope that the sweet girl at my work doesn't think this is my plan.

 

[ElijaRDC]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

 

[Que]

Not to be confrontational, but I'm just curious whether you have any kind of evidence for a majority of women feeling that way.

If that's true, then it's very depressing to me because, for good or bad, I've never in my life felt that way. Honestly, to ask a woman out, I have to get past the point where I think I would be inconveniencing her because that is my mindset. Sure, there's some fear on my part...which is natural because I've never done it before. But even if I had no fear (as sometimes I can be very bold), I still don't know if I could do it. I'd feel as though I was putting her out.

I really, really hope that the sweet girl at my work doesn't think this is my plan.

Let me see if I can couch this in a way that perhaps you can get your mind around it in a palatable way.

You (and I) have been raised and socialized all wrong for interacting with women, But I'd like you to consider it from a perspective of being genuine.

Granted one doesn't share every pervy thought, thats more in the vein of TMI that isn;t gender specific. If it isn't something you would share in polite male company, sure that is not for public consumption.

I can't see you as the kind of guy who after a girl passes says to a stranger, "man, did you see the ass on that chick??'

But you think she looks great, you like her smile, you like her breezy attitude, her laugh, keeping that to yourself is actually disingenuous. You see a nice 1969 SS Camaro in your favorite livery colors, you say something, or give the guy a nod, or a thumbs up, right? If your attention is more riveted to a particular girl than a classic car, being "polite" and saying nothing, not delivering the compliment that she "earned" by taking care of herself, hair make-up whatever is kind of weird when you think about it.

The girl probably notices you noticing her, your saying something friendly or playful, just might make her day and will do no harm.

If you are introverted (sounds like you are) practice just talking about anything that comes to mind with men you meet. See how that goes.

As far as your actual question, Obviously I cant speak for women, but whether its me or a co-worker or the girl watching you interact, what is a reasonable assumption? That, unless you are a monk or gay, if you display interest in a girl there is SOME kind of attraction on a physical level. The longer you take to define your interest, the less confidant you appear, and if theres a hovering feeling to it, it can seem like harmless stalking...not sexy.

Keep in mind, even girls that I THINK I am attracted to, and actively and assertively make a pass at, it is not a given that as I approach and try to get next to her, there are things that cool my ardor...We guys DO (occasionally) "friendzone" girls or reject out of hand. If my initial attraction was based on a misread of personality, I don't close. But we aren't even talking closing we are talking approach here.

 

[Que]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

thats succinctly put, I bolded because that is the key.

saying nothing, or keeping the conversation always "safe" isn't what confidant guys do.

 

[InsatiableDsire]

I am a nice guy... I have been fucked over so many times that at this point I have come to terms with the knowledge I am will be alone...

You and me both. It's not just nice guys....

 

[PhxPlay4n6]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

THIS. When I started realizing that women *actually* wanted me to talk to them, and I approached them, things became a whole lot easier. You have to take risks, even if it means being shot down. Unfortunately many nice guys/introverts don't.

 

[Superman2008]

You and me both. It's not just nice guys....

Sigh... I feel your pain. It sucks!

 

[Que]

superman, meet insatiable, insatiable this is superman..

you are WELCOME!

seriously, theres this keith urban song...I was freshly divorced, not happy about it, lonely...he goes on about "I wanna kiss a girl...I wanna.." yadda yadda, but he says something about "No one should be lonely in this big ole' world'

There isnt someONE for EVERYone, theres LOTS of people for any person that can be attractive to each other.



I was befuddled. I had GOTTEN, married, and repeatedly impregnated a girl that in her highschool was the "hot girl". My problem was I had NO IDEA what I had done "right" to make that happen...I mean I was there I said all the words, did all the things, and came to know what she found attractive...but it was a lighting-strike sort of thing.

When I have occasion to think fondly (despite the ugly end) of my ex, I consider that in a lot of ways the confidence I feel now is somewhat due to finding that I COULD be sexy because she definitely (at times) found me sexy. In hindsight, I was too tentative, to quick to appease, and allowed her to "friendzone' me at times. water under the bridge.

Our western culture says the guy has to approach. If you don't approach you will never know. If you invest a lot of fantasy time to one girl who doesnt have any idea you exist or isnt showing she will follow you to the ends of the earth you miss all the girls that might.

and "Nice Guys" tend to not approach. Which leaves women like insatiable feeling overlooked.

And superman, take a tip from me on insatiable, the brash ought be dialed back a bit. But for you thats unlikely to be a problem.

THIS. When I started realizing that women *actually* wanted me to talk to them, and I approached them, things became a whole lot easier. You have to take risks, even if it means being shot down. Unfortunately many nice guys/introverts don't.

and ACTUALLY being "shot-down" from a girl you find REALLY attractive is rare. Shoot downs usually occur when you throw a hail mary pass at a girl you werent that into and you didn't SEEM very invested in the approach. She may not say yes, but a friendly laugh and a gentle deflect is a LOT more common than a shoot down.

 

[Superman2008]

superman, meet insatiable, insatiable this is superman..

you are WELCOME!

seriously, theres this keith urban song...I was freshly divorced, not happy about it, lonely...he goes on about "I wanna kiss a girl...I wanna.." yadda yadda, but he says something about "No one should be lonely in this big ole' world'

There isnt someONE for EVERYone, theres LOTS of people for any person that can be attractive to each other.



I was befuddled. I had GOTTEN, married, and repeatedly impregnated a girl that in her highschool was the "hot girl". My problem was I had NO IDEA what I had done "right" to make that happen...I mean I was there I said all the words, did all the things, and came to know what she found attractive...but it was a lighting-strike sort of thing.

When I have occasion to think fondly (despite the ugly end) of my ex, I consider that in a lot of ways the confidence I feel now is somewhat due to finding that I COULD be sexy because she definitely (at times) found me sexy. In hindsight, I was too tentative, to quick to appease, and allowed her to "friendzone' me at times. water under the bridge.

Our western culture says the guy has to approach. If you don't approach you will never know. If you invest a lot of fantasy time to one girl who doesnt have any idea you exist or isnt showing she will follow you to the ends of the earth you miss all the girls that might.

and "Nice Guys" tend to not approach. Which leaves women like insatiable feeling overlooked.

And superman, take a tip from me on insatiable, the brash ought be dialed back a bit. But for you thats unlikely to be a problem.

lol... I am brash... a semi nice way to say obnoxious. Just who I am along with the nice guy thing.

 

[J D Danger]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

sadly this is me to a t. I know how important confidence is and trust me I know it is sexy but for me for reasons I do not fully understand it is a constant struggle

 

[Mercury_Maniac]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

its very very hard to build something from scratch without the proper tools and materials i've found

 

[ThomasMayer74]

Nice guys don't always finish last with me. But you have to be confident as well, and many a "nice guy" isn't.

Couldn't have said it better