WT: Mental Health Issues and BDSM - Can They Co-exist Happily?

[Marquis]

No wonder you spend all day on Lit, Marquis!

I make brief trips to the surface world to scavenge for supplies. Food, water, pussy. Other than that I stay plugged in.

 

[snowy ciara]

Never fear baby, I'm gonna dance with you.

I'm not sure if I should put on some music, run away, or get safety sealed for your protection. Thanks Betticus.

 

[Killishandra]

I make brief trips to the surface world to scavenge for supplies. Food, water, pussy. Other than that I stay plugged in.

*unplugs you, drags you out of your house for a night on the town* Here, hook me up on one of your leashes... Let's go to Chilli's like this!

edited to add: This would fulfill all the requirements for food, water, and pussy! LOL

 

[FungiUg]

I think it has more to do with the fact that people with pyschological problems are more likely to socialize online.

Hmmm. 'Taint necessarily so. I don't think people online are any more or less sane than those who aren't. Of course, that's MY impression -- I guess yours differs.

 

[catalina_francisco]

OK, busy weekend over so I can finally find the time to post...been reading everyone's posts though and love the honesty in each and every one. For myself, I can say I have visited hell and dwell there more times than not. Coming from a family of depressive illness, it is something I have lived with all my life, watched it played out in various forms with various family members. I remember thinking in my youthful days my own depression was a fate worse than death....lol, those days were child's play compared to the lived reality I deal with on a daily basis now. My experiences of medication have never been great (hence I have a strong aversion and distrust of them even though I realise they help in many cases), especially the time when I was prescribed a lovely little pill that was later removed from the market after they discovered it caused permanent brain damage in some.....fortunately that was during my rebellious teenage period (14yo) when I decided I did not like feeling like I was existing in a sleepy fog so flushed them down the toilet on a regular basis. Medication is something I have recently realised might have to be an option though if I am to fulfil my promises to F.

There are very few days that pass without some level of depression, many in a row which can extend to weeks when I am never remotely divorced from it. It ranges from suicidal through complete shutdown, emotional wreck, sleeping days on end with very little ability to function above the bare minimum, and moments when one minute I can be on top of the world to the next second being lost in uncontrollable and unexplained sobbing. Sounds horrible, but the typed expression can never come close to explaining the lived reality which is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. With or without warning of its impending visit, I would say depression for me is like being enveloped in a dark, stormy cloud or forest where there is no light, no reason, no way out, and no chance of having company. No matter how caring a partner you have holding you and keeping you physically safe, you feel isolated, alone, and unable to reach safe ground. At times I can survive by reminding myself the sunshine will return when I walk out of the cloud by some miracle, other times I just want to do whatever necessary to make it end forever. Even more frustrating are the people who try to tell you it is something you can control just by snapping out of it, or getting over yourself, or taking up a new hobby, or thinkiong of something else etc....lol, they are precious.

It affects our life tremendously and I can only pinch myself regularly (well not without permission ) and wonder how he manages to live with it and survive himself....not to mention still love me with more intensity and passion every day. He is there beside me in hell, as far as it is possible for him to be. For him it has been difficult to watch and realise he cannot control this, I imagine not easy to come to terms with as a lover, human , or Dominant....but he has become the one thing I can be sure of and the one thing which keeps me fighting the waves of darkness.

To make it more difficult, each journey into darkness comes with its own terms of how best to cope. He can never know for sure that doing x,y, z is going to be the best choice or the worst on that particular day...we try and work it out together. If that fails, he just continues to swamp me with love and affection and reassurances it will pass and he will be waiting. S&M has at times been a fantastic way of lightening the pain of depression. Sometimes it is a matter of him giving me intense pain and my finding some form of comfort in being able to feel and just accept it....other times he has barely touched me and I have broken into uncontrollable deep sobbing. That one used to be a point at which he would stop but we have learnt it is a good release, net tears from the pain, and he can continue safely and let me benefit from the release of emotions. Unlike many here, I never feel a need to avoid the aftercare when it is offered. We do not ever go big on aftercare scenes, but there is always a feeling of closeness between us and holding or touching which happens with or without pain.

Other coping mechanisms are getting busy with something, especially physical, until the mood begins to recede. It is a good method to use but requires enough energy and motivation to be able to put it into action first which is not always the case...and to be able to keep pushing at until that moment of recession kicks in slightly. I have noticed from my first winter here that the light creates a big difference in my depression as well. It is amazing how much easier it is to cope with once the first spring lightness arrives...like night and day.....easier to stay out of severe depression and easier to get out of and recover. The upside of depresion?...hey there has to be a positive in every negative!! It is great life experience, it is a journey, it creates variety in your life , it builds strength, it prepares you for life's little adventures, emphasises mortality, helps you know yourself better than most people ever get to know themselves, and proves to you you are a survivor.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmmm. 'Taint necessarily so. I don't think people online are any more or less sane than those who aren't. Of course, that's MY impression -- I guess yours differs.

True for me also....I find that if I am in a bad moment, I don't want to socialise in any way, online or off. Admittedly I can often force myself to do the online in a minimal way easier than face to face, but there are also many people I love who are owed emails for months now and I just keep slotting it until I think I will sound better.

Catalina

 

[TaintedB]

Hmmm. 'Taint necessarily so. I don't think people online are any more or less sane than those who aren't. Of course, that's MY impression -- I guess yours differs.

Whether they are more nuts or not, they certainly act that way, according to my own impressions. :/ Also, the only nuts you see online are the ones rich enough to own a pc or together enough to get access to one and learn how to use it to socialize.

A few years ago, that would have aced out a lot of homeless people--many of whom are half-crazed, and so, in the good old social-service decades, would have gotten some sort of institutional care rather than barbarically left to fend for themselves on the streets, but that's a topic for another thread--but these days I've heard of movments beginning to get homeless people computer access. Not sure what I think of that, as homeless people have other, far more critical needs, I would think, but maybe getting these folks connected online has some unobvious benefits.

Has anyone noticed how psychiatry along with all other medical specialties has expanded enormously, at least in the US? There was a time when you could go to your family physician and be treated directly for what ails you. Now you almost always get sent to various specialists, whether you need specialty care or not. In addition, a lot of what these specialists seem to specialize in, well in particular I mean the shrinks but also a few others, is selling new drugs. I think that this economical change in the way medicine is done is a lot of the reason why so many people seem to have psychiatric diagnoses these days. I don't think it necessarily means we're crazier than our parents or grandparents were, although, on the other hand, our world is certainly a far more stressful place to live in that it was a few decades ago so it makes sense that a lot more people would find coping with it difficult.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As for getting help- it's one of the reasons I wanna study psychology to sort out my own mind and help others too.

LOL, you will find many who study psychology and social work do so with this purpose in mind. Was one of the first things I discovered when I was studying, and more so once I got my degree and began working in that field. Unfortunately, though it does give us insight and often helps to some degree, it is difficult to objectively work from a threapy viewpoint on yourself or someone close to you....similar to doctors....but most of us still try, and a few will meet another in the field who can kindly shed some light on things we would take years to find ourselves, if ever.

Catalina

 

[witcha]

LOL, you will find many who study psychology and social work do so with this purpose in mind. Was one of the first things I discovered when I was studying, and more so once I got my degree and began working in that field. Unfortunately, though it does give us insight and often helps to some degree, it is difficult to objectively work from a threapy viewpoint on yourself or someone close to you....similar to doctors....but most of us still try, and a few will meet another in the field who can kindly shed some light on things we would take years to find ourselves, if ever.

Catalina

Yes..I noticed that problem..In some cases(twhen someone's problems matches mine) I can help them..but the same theory does not work for me...but well was always interested in Psychology so will give it a shot.If that doesn't work can always become a subbie assassin

 

[shy slave]

Yes..I noticed that problem..In some cases(twhen someone's problems matches mine) I can help them..but the same theory does not work for me...but well was always interested in Psychology so will give it a shot.If that doesn't work can always become a subbie assassin

And join AA ???

That would be an interesting combination

 

[arctic-stranger]

As for getting help- it's one of the reasons I wanna study psychology to sort out my own mind and help others too. I also want to go it in the UK as every uni there has at least one coucellor for students...which is a non exsisting thing here.. Besides..people here are a lil..close minded so if I even wanted to start seeing a psychologist here it could cost me my finals(based purely on BDSM parts of problems etc.)

And yes..I do hate asking for help..find it ohh so hard..but soon will have to face my own demons..

I hear that, and i am sorry the psychiatric and psychological community there is not as open.

but the hard truth is you usually need another person to help you unpack your stuff. I do therapy with people, and i know that i cannot do it to myself. When i see therapists or spiritual directors, they are almost always able to help me see some things i could never have seen on my own.

A therapist is like a mirror...a good therapist, that is...they help you see what is there...the things you cant see. so it is virtually impossible to do it on you own, just like it is impossible to see if there is dirt on your own forehead.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For those dealing with depression or other mental conditions, how do you know where to draw the line? Do Dominants who have a pyl prone to behavioural and physical changes due to their condition find themselves wrestling with the idea that maybe they are being too tough, or not understanding enough and pushing the pyl past what is good for them in a given moment....or letting them manipulate the situation? Do pyl's feel guilt and question their own abilities and manipulation of the circumstances at times?

Catalina

 

[snowy ciara]

And join AA ???

That would be an interesting combination

Hey now.. I am the original exploding ninja subbie assassin enforcer bodyguard chick. Just ask Mr. Rathbone. I think I scare him sometimes!

 

[Kirabeth]

my mental issues do play apart in our D/s Lifestyle. I space out, but we have learned to deal with it, sometimes being Dominated helps me regain control. Having him take control gives me a focus that allows me to pull my thoughts back together, When he takes control it takes the stress of normal everyday life off of me and lets me be just "that" me without having to worry about anyone else or anything around me but him and me.
He has been with me long enough to be able to read me when I do start spacing and knows what I need whether I need him to take that control, or whether I just need him hold me or whether I just need to just sit and think it out on my own.

 

[Hairgrip]

My mother pointed out, during a general phone call, that she had heard something the radio about how those with depression might benefit from being beaten. She told me cos I get periods of great lowness.

This article makes a little about it. Has anyone else heard about this research?

I can see it working both ways - the rush of power, control etc and the pain, sweet and tender... maybe?

 

[shaymless]

Do pyl's feel guilt and question their own abilities and manipulation of the circumstances at times?

I find myself doing this frequently - either guilty because I just absolutely cannot perform as *I* expect myself to (let alone how HE does)...or finding myself wondering if I could have pushed past that initial anxiety rush to get to where I needed to be. Situations such as particular bondage which have in the past caused real anxiety attacks (but other times I've been able to tolerate but haven't necessarily enjoyed) - when I start to feel a little bit anxious, I then start the circular thought of wondering if I'm creating the anxiety to get out of a situation that I don't find particularly pleasing, which then creates more guilt, more self - doubt...and more anxiety. All of that in a millisecond I've found that the better my partner knows me, the better HE is at reading me and getting a feel for whether or not to push me past it gently, push me past it hard or let it go totally. Any of the above lends itself to different reactions, but I work through it and try to learn more about myself from it, so he doesn't have to do the work for me the next time.

shay

 

[catalina_francisco]

My mother pointed out, during a general phone call, that she had heard something the radio about how those with depression might benefit from being beaten. She told me cos I get periods of great lowness.

This article makes a little about it. Has anyone else heard about this research?

I can see it working both ways - the rush of power, control etc and the pain, sweet and tender... maybe?

Posted this in the therapeutic thread last week. The downside is that it becomes so mainstream and associated with therapy that people have yet another angle to assert those who are into BDSM etc., are naturally suffering mental illness and that is why they enjoy it so much. Upside is they might think of it as necessary and good though and stop trying to stop or condemn it.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Do pyl's feel guilt and question their own abilities and manipulation of the circumstances at times?

I find myself doing this frequently - either guilty because I just absolutely cannot perform as *I* expect myself to (let alone how HE does)...or finding myself wondering if I could have pushed past that initial anxiety rush to get to where I needed to be. Situations such as particular bondage which have in the past caused real anxiety attacks (but other times I've been able to tolerate but haven't necessarily enjoyed) - when I start to feel a little bit anxious, I then start the circular thought of wondering if I'm creating the anxiety to get out of a situation that I don't find particularly pleasing, which then creates more guilt, more self - doubt...and more anxiety. All of that in a millisecond I've found that the better my partner knows me, the better HE is at reading me and getting a feel for whether or not to push me past it gently, push me past it hard or let it go totally. Any of the above lends itself to different reactions, but I work through it and try to learn more about myself from it, so he doesn't have to do the work for me the next time.

shay

Oh I am so on the same page. Thanks for mentioning the bondage and anxiety attacks. I have in recent months more often than not been having anxiety attacks at the slightest introduction of bondage, and yet this was once something I begged for and found a comfort. Naturally F began to question if for some reason I had begun to lose trust in him, thus not willing to be bound and at his mercy......it was nothing to do with that but is difficult to convince someone when you have such a drastic about turn and no explanation why. It set off tons of guilt in me, made me question and analyse myself over and over, raised nothing but negative thoughts about myself and my submission. I want to work through it and I am sure we will get to a place where that happens. I have to think it is a side effect of all the personal tradgedy and sadness that has filled my life over the past 9 months on top of the stresses and depression I already was dealing with, so has a chance of getting better.

Catalina

 

[YinandYang]

I think BDSM is like an outlet for the mental side of me. I don't suffer from depression (unless you count the post natal depression I had) but I do suffer, if thats the right word from various episodes of mindstorm as I call them. I drift into a world of my own, find it extrememly hard to interact with people in RL. Often to the point of shutting the door and myself away. I don't feel unhappy on these occassion, more a feeling of not being here, I withdraw into myself. I also have compulsive disorders to a certain degree, and the discapline of BDSM helps with this greatly. As a child I was extremely shy and sensitive, still am really but have learn't to create an Alt that I can use as a back up when things get too much. She is the strong outgoing person that comes out when I am faced with more than one person to talk to. I have a huge problem with being 'grounded'...sometimes i struggle to be 'here and now', but the BDSM soon kicks me back into shape, sometimes very swiftly.

My son has Aspergers syndrome, and the more I learn't about it, the more I realised this is me. I don't really get into the fact that society seems to be labelling everyone, and categorising them to an extent. In my eyes, my son is who he is, I love him no matter what. If they could pick at my brain, they would probably label me too..but I would never let them

Everybody is unique, BDSM fits in nicely with my psyche and I find immense freedom in it...in a world that otherwise would be constricted.

 

[Etoile]

Many of us here suffer some form of mental health issue, depression being one though there are also others. It is not confined to submissives or Dominants, nor is it always a situation the partner may have dealt with before, or the person suffering is fully aware of or in control of. For those of us who have to accomodate these conditions in our lives and play, how does it affect it? How do you cope? How does it make you feel knowing you are a sufferer and though you may wish otherwise, you know it is affecting play and/or your partner? How does it make the partner who does not perhaps have such a condition themselves feel? Is it something to seriously consider before becoming involved? If you knew then what you know now, would you have entered a BDSM or D/s relationship that had these issues to deal with?

Just to explain myself first, I have been diagnosed with 314.01 (ADHD, Combined Type), 296.33 (Depression, Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic Features), and 300.02 (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). My ADHD is pretty severe but medication controls it well; my depression is probably moderate but medication controls it somewhat well, and my anxiety disorder is quite severe - has been my entire life, even as a child - and medication controls it pretty well.

The ADHD doesn't usually affect my sex life, although at times my mind does wander even when I don't want it to. I think this might be part of why I have only entered subspace once. The depression only affects me in that I am sometimes not in the mood because I just want to curl up into a lump and sleep. The anxiety, however, comes up a lot. I have a tendency to physically flee from some situations depending on my anxiety level. Without any control over myself, I will twist away from whatever is distressing me and then cower in a corner. When I am not medicated at all, I have episodes of rocking and keening. Part of my anxiety disorder is related to time - I am always concerned about missing a bus, being late to a movie, etc. to the point where I have to get there very early and if something holds me back I can freak out. I know this frustrates Daddy very much; e doesn't seem to understand that I can't help it.

I've had these issues my whole adult life, so I haven't ever had a relationship that wasn't colored by them.

I have been in therapy in the past, but I am not currently despite having a need for it. I haven't been able to find someone who is on my insurance and also kink-aware. (This ties into a thread I started a while back.)

 

[babiesmiles]

Part of my anxiety disorder is related to time - I am always concerned about missing a bus, being late to a movie, etc. to the point where I have to get there very early and if something holds me back I can freak out. I know this frustrates Daddy very much; e doesn't seem to understand that I can't help it.

I've had these issues my whole adult life, so I haven't ever had a relationship that wasn't colored by them.

I have been in therapy in the past, but I am not currently despite having a need for it. I haven't been able to find someone who is on my insurance and also kink-aware. (This ties into a thread I started a while back.)

Hi Etoile when younger I used to have , and still have but not so severe as earlier, anxiety problems and they were ( are ) related to time as well .
I used to go in complete panick about the fear to miss trains , bus and to be late in general . A banal traffic jam gave me complete sense of despair and helplessnes, and the only thought I could be late to an appointment , even with a friend , so not related to work or other important issues made me not sleep the night .

I lived with that almost all my youth , hiding my problem , being able to mask the fact which I always was terribly early to any departure or date of any kind and I never saw a doctor cause as I had been that way all my life I really didnt feel it as a ( now I know it was, and still is in somehow) my mental disorder .

But when I was in my late 20's , completely casually I started to go out with a guy who was a psychiatrist doctor , and after few times he immediatly understood that my relation with time was psychotic.

He tried to convince me to see a doctor but my awful resistence to it ( during a discussion about it I had an hysteric attack and i lost my senses for five minuts ) convinced him , against all his beliefs and medical ethic , as a psychiatrist should never have as patient a friend and worse a person whom he/ she has an affective relation with , to start curing me by himself .

He never told me I was "in cure " but very slowly and with really ant steeps he started to put in place situations who made us be late ( he first times always was with me when doing it ) trying to modify my relation with time ( e.g pretendind to mistake the road going to friends out of town , passing to fetch me just 5 minutes before the theatre time .. etcetera ) every time showing me that nothing bad was going to happen to me for being late ( well not late just not in enourmous advance ).

One time when we were out for the week end , about an hour and half from centre town , and he knew I had a work appointment on monday morning ( it was not a big thing but I started to show signs of anxiety asking to come back in town since 3 pm sunday afternoon ), he even pretended about 8 pm his car had broken to make me stay out and miss the monday morning meeting .

My reaction was horrible , I felt really bad all night with breathe problems, crying and in despair , but evidently he knew what he was doing . In fact the morning after he put the telephone in my hand and with a firm voice ordered me to stop crying cause there was nothing to do and call my work date and cancel or pospone it in the afternoon . Obviously there was not problem and I could easily move that meeting the day after, but I felt killed by anxiety .

Another time I was going to take a train to reach him in another town cause he was the lecturer to a conference , and when I was almost to the station, about 45 mins before the departure , he called me pretending he had forgotten important papers and asked me to go his home to grab them , I screamed I would have miss the train , he made a desperate voice telling me he wouldn't have been able to talk in the afternoon if I had not ( the liar ) . Obviously I went ( I'm psychotic not mad ) and obviously I missed the train for few minutes . I called him in tears ( good times of first mobiles big as an intercom !!) and he spent half an hour telling me how to change the ticket ( I had never missed one before ) , the time for the next one and always telling me nothing bad was going to happen .

Of course he made all these "shock terapies" slowly during a long time joining that with relaxing activities , he taught me meditation and yoga tecniques and besides he initiated me to horseriding so making me follow to rythm of another living being , as no matter how late I was , horses' pace can't be forced and an horse must be cared, dried , cleaned etc etc ... after riding , and always him made me start to attend dance lessons as a theraphy .All things that now are an essential pleasure of my life and a big relief against work stress.

So very slowly ( it took 3 years ) I learnt to give up my time control , ( and other kind of control as well ) and to face my axiety issues .

Today , almost twelve years after ( I'm 39 now) I always am very on time , very anxious , very easy to panick , but now my relation with time is not anymore a thing out of my control ( he told me the other two main phobias I have , airplanes and complete anaesthesia are issues bound to problems of loss of control ) , now I even am late sometimes , always feeling guilty , always with a sense of unease but not panick anymore ( cross fingers )

BTW I still panick on airplanes and recently had a major surgery of about 2 hours choosing an epidural anaesthesia and being completely awake during all the time just to not be asleep !

Hope this awful rant was understandable and not too boring , but my ease degree is increasing on here so I thought to share

ps. soz for typos and grammar mistakes

 

[curiousjen]

This thread is very interesting for me indeed...thank you everyone for being so honest about things that are sometimes difficult to talk about....

I suffer from manic depression, or if you want the american way- bipolar disorder. To a lesser extent I am also treated for anxiety problems and self harm. The last few years have been hell, but I am a lot better now I'm medicated and these days I am thankfully able to lead a pretty normal existance.

What I really wanted to talk about though was my self harm and how that relates to bdsm. I know people on here, etoile springs to mind, are always pointing out that self harm and BDSM are totally different kettles of fish. In my opnion, that is is true. However, when you are a self harmer and you get involved with BDSM you already have a very complex and not always healthy relationship with pain, and this can complicate things somewhat.

For example the kind of pain i used to love in self harm, (burning and cutting mainly) is something that is a hard limit for me in BDSM, in case it triggers a relapse. The feeling of a razor slicing through skin is such a loaded feeling for me full of such emotion that I don't think it would be healthy to try and incorparate it into pain play. To put it bluntly, it would be a headfuck.

All my life I have been a pain slut (i used to rub nettles on my legs as a little girl when I was upset) in the sense that sometimes, pain is the only thing that brings me clarity and release. My husband was VERY concerned when I first started to delve into BDSM because he saw it as self harming by the backdoor. It took me a long long time to convince him that this was a very different relationship with pain I was entering into. And it IS a different relationship, but I can't deny that for me at least my craving for pain sometimes blurs the boundry between what is healthy and what is not.

Shit, I don't feel like I'm expressing myself very well here at all.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that it was a big decision to get into bdsm with my background, and we're still taking it very light and slowly with the pain play, in case it triggers a relapse. Our primary play involves heavily around non pain play in the main, for example we're quite into breath play and humiliation. We don't feel ready to enter into the wonderful world of toys yet, but I'm sure one day we will.

Does anyone else have this difficult relationship with pain, or am I thinking about things too much?

 

[Hairgrip]

Posted this in the therapeutic thread last week. The downside is that it becomes so mainstream and associated with therapy that people have yet another angle to assert those who are into BDSM etc., are naturally suffering mental illness and that is why they enjoy it so much. Upside is they might think of it as necessary and good though and stop trying to stop or condemn it.

Catalina

that's clearly the article she must have heard. i think the spin on the radio was that if you were ill it might work, rather than you have to be ill to enjoy.

strikes me as a good sense thing to be honest.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Does anyone else have this difficult relationship with pain, or am I thinking about things too much?

Yes, though different to what you speak of.....I have always found that even though I am a masochist to the extreme, to be punished in a physically painful way it was different and I felt the pain in a different way and hated it. I now find I am beginning to spiral downwards when physically punished and psychologically associate extreme pain with punishment even when it is play. I am not liking the effects it is having on me or us but I seem unable to stop it, especially when I am already in a depressive state and yet that used to be when pain helped most....now it more often than not in those depressed moments just makes me feel I have failed and disappointed him.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

Hi Etoile when younger I used to have , and still have but not so severe as earlier, anxiety problems and they were ( are ) related to time as well .
I used to go in complete panick about the fear to miss trains , bus and to be late in general . A banal traffic jam gave me complete sense of despair and helplessnes, and the only thought I could be late to an appointment , even with a friend , so not related to work or other important issues made me not sleep the night .

I lived with that almost all my youth , hiding my problem , being able to mask the fact which I always was terribly early to any departure or date of any kind and I never saw a doctor cause as I had been that way all my life I really didnt feel it as a ( now I know it was, and still is in somehow) my mental disorder .

But when I was in my late 20's , completely casually I started to go out with a guy who was a psychiatrist doctor , and after few times he immediatly understood that my relation with time was psychotic.

He tried to convince me to see a doctor but my awful resistence to it ( during a discussion about it I had an hysteric attack and i lost my senses for five minuts ) convinced him , against all his beliefs and medical ethic , as a psychiatrist should never have as patient a friend and worse a person whom he/ she has an affective relation with , to start curing me by himself .

He never told me I was "in cure " but very slowly and with really ant steeps he started to put in place situations who made us be late ( he first times always was with me when doing it ) trying to modify my relation with time ( e.g pretendind to mistake the road going to friends out of town , passing to fetch me just 5 minutes before the theatre time .. etcetera ) every time showing me that nothing bad was going to happen to me for being late ( well not late just not in enourmous advance ).

One time when we were out for the week end , about an hour and half from centre town , and he knew I had a work appointment on monday morning ( it was not a big thing but I started to show signs of anxiety asking to come back in town since 3 pm sunday afternoon ), he even pretended about 8 pm his car had broken to make me stay out and miss the monday morning meeting .

My reaction was horrible , I felt really bad all night with breathe problems, crying and in despair , but evidently he knew what he was doing . In fact the morning after he put the telephone in my hand and with a firm voice ordered me to stop crying cause there was nothing to do and call my work date and cancel or pospone it in the afternoon . Obviously there was not problem and I could easily move that meeting the day after, but I felt killed by anxiety .

Another time I was going to take a train to reach him in another town cause he was the lecturer to a conference , and when I was almost to the station, about 45 mins before the departure , he called me pretending he had forgotten important papers and asked me to go his home to grab them , I screamed I would have miss the train , he made a desperate voice telling me he wouldn't have been able to talk in the afternoon if I had not ( the liar ) . Obviously I went ( I'm psychotic not mad ) and obviously I missed the train for few minutes . I called him in tears ( good times of first mobiles big as an intercom !!) and he spent half an hour telling me how to change the ticket ( I had never missed one before ) , the time for the next one and always telling me nothing bad was going to happen .

Of course he made all these "shock terapies" slowly during a long time joining that with relaxing activities , he taught me meditation and yoga tecniques and besides he initiated me to horseriding so making me follow to rythm of another living being , as no matter how late I was , horses' pace can't be forced and an horse must be cared, dried , cleaned etc etc ... after riding , and always him made me start to attend dance lessons as a theraphy .All things that now are an essential pleasure of my life and a big relief against work stress.

So very slowly ( it took 3 years ) I learnt to give up my time control , ( and other kind of control as well ) and to face my axiety issues .

Today , almost twelve years after ( I'm 39 now) I always am very on time , very anxious , very easy to panick , but now my relation with time is not anymore a thing out of my control ( he told me the other two main phobias I have , airplanes and complete anaesthesia are issues bound to problems of loss of control ) , now I even am late sometimes , always feeling guilty , always with a sense of unease but not panick anymore ( cross fingers )

BTW I still panick on airplanes and recently had a major surgery of about 2 hours choosing an epidural anaesthesia and being completely awake during all the time just to not be asleep !

Hope this awful rant was understandable and not too boring , but my ease degree is increasing on here so I thought to share

ps. soz for typos and grammar mistakes

Babiesmile what a brave post.

Thank you for sharing it.
Many of us dislike being late and feel out of control but you express how it makes you feel so clearly.

Hearing how another person tried to help you overcome your fears was enlightening and useful.

You have a great deal of courage to have allowed him to support you and help you take those first steps.

I admire you for taking them and for sharing ~ thank you xx