Am I Asking For Too Much? Advice, Please

[cheapperfume]

Never mind *grins* Problem most certainly solved!!

 

[human_male]

Why do you say you've been happily dating him if he's constantly doing this? Is it just now and then that he gets like this, like when he's into a particular game that he's really enjoying. Or is this bahavior the norm?

If it's the norm it doesn't sound like he actually wants a girlfriend at all. You're not being unreasonable, you know that already. If talking to him about it hasn't worked, and he simply won't stop even though he knows you're unhappy then there's nothing yu can do. If you think it's a problem for his wellbeing as well as your relationship (like an actual addiction) you could try getting him some help but if he doesn't want to get help you can't do anything.

In that case all you can do is move on.

Incidentally, if you don't get any helpful answers here you could try a site called dearcupid.org.

 

[cheapperfume]

Why do you say you've been happily dating him if he's constantly doing this? Is it just now and then that he gets like this, like when he's into a particular game that he's really enjoying. Or is this bahavior the norm?

If it's the norm it doesn't sound like he actually wants a girlfriend at all. You're not being unreasonable, you know that already. If talking to him about it hasn't worked, and he simply won't stop even though he knows you're unhappy then there's nothing yu can do. If you think it's a problem for his wellbeing as well as your relationship (like an actual addiction) you could try getting him some help but if he doesn't want to get help you can't do anything.

In that case all you can do is move on.

Incidentally, if you don't get any helpful answers here you could try a site called dearcupid.org.

the situation is often a rinse, lather, repeat effect. He'll be involved in a game and play it through until he gets bored of it, then he'll spend some time with me the next day before he buys another game the day after. Then, rinse lather repeat. There are some times where it's not as bad as others but the situation could go on for months at a time.

When I speak to him about it, I often step down and admit that I'm over reacting so I just need to know whether I'm making excuses for him OR myself. Thankyou for your advice and I'll most certainly look into it. This is something that I'm very willing to work through. I'm still young and have quite alot to learn when it comes to the give and take of a relationship.

 

[human_male]

When I speak to him about it, I often step down and admit that I'm over reacting so I just need to know whether I'm making excuses for him OR myself. Thankyou for your advice and I'll most certainly look into it. This is something that I'm very willing to work through. I'm still young and have quite alot to learn when it comes to the give and take of a relationship.

Well like I said it doesn't sound like he even wants a girlfriend at all. Everyone needs time for their hobbies and to do their own thing, sure. But it sounds like he's completely neglecting you.

How long can you put up with this? If he's not prepared to change would you leave him or just resign yourself to it? Because maybe you should lay down the law. Don't back down. Tell him you're not happy with the situation and you're not going to put up with it. You're not being unreasonable.

 

[AliveInside]

How frequently is he turning you down? Different people have different sex drives and it may be that his just isn't in sync with yours. Your post makes it sound like this is an everyday occurrence. Is that the case? How do you feel about him outside of this issue? It's important to figure out for yourself where you're willing to make compromises and where you're not.

 

[cheapperfume]

Well like I said it doesn't sound like he even wants a girlfriend at all. Everyone needs time for their hobbies and to do their own thing, sure. But it sounds like he's completely neglecting you.

How long can you put up with this? If he's not prepared to change would you leave him or just resign yourself to it? Because maybe you should lay down the law. Don't back down. Tell him you're not happy with the situation and you're not going to put up with it. You're not being unreasonable.

I think I'll approach him once again about the subject with a more confident attitude. I think I needed an outsiders perspective (someone who doesn't know either of us) to assure myself I wasn't being silly. Thankyou once again

 

[cheapperfume]

How frequently is he turning you down? Different people have different sex drives and it may be that his just isn't in sync with yours. Your post makes it sound like this is an everyday occurrence. Is that the case? How do you feel about him outside of this issue? It's important to figure out for yourself where you're willing to make compromises and where you're not.

about a 4 out of every 5 day ratio. I tried to be as truthful about the situation as possible in my post. Outside of this issue there isn't a single problem. Other than this particular issue we are very accepting and supportive of one another. I feel that every other aspect of our relationship is quite healthy. Like I stated in previous posts, I am very, very willing to work on this.

 

[tsgirl4fun]

Immature guy really. Sounds addicted to games. You may want to look elsewhere. Stop filing his needs either. Sounds like it is all about him.

 

[subwannabe]

It's mind boggling to me that you have to ask the question, make this post, and ask for advice on the subject. Does this guy even work? I don't think you're going to take my advice but this guy is waaaaay past communication. You should have dumped him 11 months ago! He will not change by himself, you will not be able to change him, and you are a fool to even consider more communication. You deserve better and may need some counseling yourself if you still continue wondering if you are making too big a deal out of it. I say leave him while he is playing his video games and make bets with your friends as to how long a time frame will pass before he even realizes you're missing.

 

[mntcmn]

hmmmm

The guy is has a major addiction. Is it curable? We don't know. What we do know is that you'll be very disappointed is you expect a change because the only person who can bring about change is the guy. It doesn't sound as though he's interested in changing. Do you WANT to have a partner?

 

[Black_pantyhose]

As others have said, it sounds like he has a problem balancing real life and gaming. I've been on both sides of your story - I've been the game-obsessive and I've dated a guy whose idea of a good night was me calling to his house, watching him play Asheron's Call for a few hours and going home.

I really have no problem with gaming and it's not an issue for me if your choice of hobby/relaxation is gaming. But when it starts to affect your personal life that's when it becomes a problem. And it seems as if your partner has a problem. It could be that he's compensating for low-self esteem or depression through gaming. I went through a period of severe depression and used gaming to escape it. However, that is a downward spiral as the only way to cure depression is to engage with it, not ignore it. Or it could be, as hard as it may be to hear, that he's just not that interested in your relationship.

I think your first decision should be whether his behaviour at the moment is a deal breaker for you i.e. can you live the rest of your life with this man and your relationship how it is? If your answer is no then you have to ensure you let your partner know that you can't continue the way you are going, that you are deeply unhappy with your relationship and that you want and deserve to be with someone who appreciates you. If he can't do that then you have to leave or decide to grin and bear it. And it's not good enough for him to say he'll make the effort - he has to actually do it.

I'd also add that while you can brush something like this off when you're in a good mood i.e. tell yourself you're over reacting, it will only be worse in the long run. If he doesn't have a job, eventually he'll have to choose whether he works or doesn't. He can choose not to and you can spend your life with a someone while you work to pay for his games, electricity, tv etc. Or he can choose to get a job which leaves you even less time to fight for his attention. And you shouldn't have to fight for the attention of someone you're meant to be in a relationship with.

 

[SweetErika]

about a 4 out of every 5 day ratio. I tried to be as truthful about the situation as possible in my post. Outside of this issue there isn't a single problem. Other than this particular issue we are very accepting and supportive of one another. I feel that every other aspect of our relationship is quite healthy. Like I stated in previous posts, I am very, very willing to work on this.

How can it be healthy, or how can you even assess the relationship's health, when he's absent like 80% of the time?

Would you be okay with him being into drugs or alcohol as often as he's involved with his games, or would you likely have a problem with that?

I'd suggest stating your feelings and concerns for the relationship in a very clear manner and standing firm on this because it's clearly important to you. Propose a compromise that's acceptable to you and see what he says and does.

My husband is a gamer, and when we've had similar issues in the past, we've come up with things that work for both of us, like him getting off the computer at a certain time and/or limiting his play to a specific amount daily so we can still spend time together. When he gets a new game, I try to be understanding of his desire to play it more, and he tries to be aware of his desire to be on the computer every spare moment (and dial that back as much as possible). He knows I try to limit my interruptions when he's playing, but ignoring me when I need his attention is unacceptable; we've worked out that he needs to pause the game or at least let me know he'll be with me in a minute so I don't feel shut out. The same rules apply to me so he doesn't feel ignored when I'm involved in a tv show, book or on my computer.

However, for this kind of thing to work, both people have to value the relationship and want to solve the problem. If your guy is in the midst of addiction, he may not value the relationship over his drug of choice. If that's the case, your best bet is to accept it and move on, rather than continue to enable him by putting up with his bad behavior.

 

[_Virginia_]

You're not asking too much....but it sounds like this particular relationship is beyond repair. If your boyfriend isn't giving you any attention and is turning you down for sex a majority of the time, well, that isn't much of a boyfriend. Those 2 things are pretty major factors in a relationship!

I don't buy "gaming as an addiction" as some posters have mention. He is choosing gaming over you.

 

[PertPerth]

As a gamer girl who has dated a gamer guy before - I don't think it's the game that is causing your issue...it's your guy.
I totally sympathise with you - I too would be very upset if I got into lingerie and he ignored me!
My only advice is to tell him how you feel. I don't think that it's a "either games or sex" choice; I think there is enough time in the day to fit in all the things that are important to you (and your guy). It just sounds like your guy needs to do a re-look at his priorities.

Good luck!

 

[SweetErika]

I don't buy "gaming as an addiction" as some posters have mention. He is choosing gaming over you.

Yeah, and drug addicts choose drugs over their loved ones, jobs, hobbies, etc. Alcoholics choose alcohol over sobriety every time they drink.

Addiction doesn't imply there isn't a choice, it only means that one chooses to interact with some substance or thing (drug, alcohol, adrenaline, gaming, sex, food, etc.) in unhealthy ways because they're psychologically dependent on it. It's an illness that people can recover from - just like an alcoholic can choose not to drink, a gaming addict can choose to walk away from the game. However, making the healthier choice often requires intervention and healing.

 

[_Virginia_]

I'm very tired of our society calling what amounts to bad behavior, "addiction."

 

[Somehowyou]

I’ll start off by saying that if the answer to my problem is simply ‘Get Over It’ than feel free to say so, lol. Also, if there are other women out there who have been through the same dilemma, I would
My man, is into video games…which is completely fine because I’m a bit of a gamer myself and it’s okay to have things which you can ‘escape reality’ with. However, as soon as he wakes up he begins to play them…and play them…and play them…and play them. Until about one o clock in the morning hits and then it’s bed time. Now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t play them non stop. However when he STOPS playing them, he moves onto the computer to watch reviews and such on the games he was just playing a second ago. I wouldn’t mind this one bit but it’s starting to wear on my confidence. He becomes so involved in the games that nothing else even seems to exist. Even me…and more oddly, even sex. I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly imagine to get him to show at least a little bit of sexual attraction to me. Worn sexy lingerie, pranced around in nothing but a thong and high heels, rubbed myself against him, whispered things into his ear, given him blow jobs while he’s playing and even gotten to the point where I’ve stripped in front of him and started fucking myself with a vibrator. However…nothing. Zilch. And at the best of times a ‘not now baby, I’m playing’. Am I being unreasonable by asking for just a little bit of attention? Or am I asking for too much?

I know that I’m sexy. I know I can be sexy as fuck if I want to. However he is the one man that DOESN’T make me feel sexy…and that worries me. Please, I’m aching for advice.

OK you haven't tried everything. Try bringing in your girl friend and start making love to her on the couch. If that doesn't get I'll come over and you can give me a blow job and then I will send you into ecstasy right there in front of him.

this is bull shit. Come on guy, put the game on pause and take care of your woman!

 

[human_male]

I've been the game-obsessive and I've dated a guy whose idea of a good night was me calling to his house, watching him play Asheron's Call for a few hours and going home.

What, you mean it's not!? So that's what I've been doing wrong!

 

[funnybabe]

I get ya

I hear you sister! My husband is obsessed with the games as well. Guess why I am here? At least in the morning he remembers I am a fun game too.

 

[imonabota]

well the guy simply doesn't know what he is missing. to have you prancing around in high heels etc and him not want to get off a game is fucking astounding to be honest! obviously ht doesn't know what he has. if you have talked to him about it and it hasn't changed than it isn't going to change. so one of 3 options
1/ dump the guy and move on. you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
2/ have your sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere but still have him as your boyfriend and enjoy the benefits that being in a relationship offers. (although it seems that he has missed the criteria in some areas already)
3/ stay with the guy and be content with what you have.

because to be honest, if you are wanting someone to change and thinking if i just persist he will, you will be disappointed.
well just my wo cents worth. but you know that i think you are super cute and any man that doesn't realise that is a douche!
Brett

 

[Berwyn]

I'll put in another vote for: he has a problem. I'm coming from his side by the way. Every so often the wife will let me know that the games/computer are getting away from me. At first I resented it, but then I realized she was right and now I take the hint and back off....although I do have to say that her sex drive is low enough compaired to mine that offering sex was the one thing that ALWAYS got me off the computer. I once quit an onyxia raid in WOW with this sign off: "Sorry everyone, GTG. Wife horney "

 

[cheapperfume]

Thankyou everyone for your advice. I am taking it all on board and trying to work out the best way possible to sort out this problem *smiles*

 

[NippleMuncher]

I'm very tired of our society calling what amounts to bad behavior, "addiction."

I couldn't agree more! Our society uses the labels of "addiction" and "disease" to divert responsibility away from the individual and environmental factors. 25 years ago people were manic-depressive, now their bipolar and any number of other eye-chart acronymed maladies. Oddly enough, the pharmaceutical companies just happen to have the latest and greatest drugs to help out, bless their hearts.

To the OP, your boyfriend sounds like an ass. You would be better to remove him from your life and find someone who lives in the real world and cares about real things, than someone who worries about being a level 89 sorcerer. Listen to what your gut has been trying to tell you for the past year. Move on, be happy, be healthy, you're not going to get it from this guy.

 

[Vixandra]

I've a question. Are you living together?

If so, take a vacation. Stay with a friend for a week or so. Tell him you'll be gone. See how long it takes him to realize you're really not there.

If not, why go over there if you're going to be ignored? Stay home, go out dancing, do something.

Why stay with someone who only pays attention to you 20% of the time you have together? I'm not saying he or you needs to be obsessed about the other, but 1 day out of 5 that you get attention? That's ridiculous. There are men out there who would adore to have a woman willing to put on sexy lingerie, give blow jobs, etc. Find one of them.

You don't deserve to be ignored for a video game.

 

[SweetErika]

I couldn't agree more! Our society uses the labels of "addiction" and "disease" to divert responsibility away from the individual and environmental factors.

I guess I don't see how calling something an addiction or disease shifts responsibility away from the person with the problem. People who are addicted/sick/whatever are responsible for doing everything they reasonably can to get healthy, IMO. Similarly, their loved ones are responsible for not enabling the unhealthy behavior(s) and doing whatever it takes to get healthy themselves, even if that means cutting the sick person out of their lives until they take responsibility for their behaviors and get on the road to better health.

Personally, if I'm able to recognize something as an addiction or illness, I feel more empowered to help myself because there are a lot of resources for those things (vs. "bad behaviors"). Even just knowing I'm susceptible to addiction and things like depression allows me to keep a very close eye on potentially problematic behaviors and substances, avoid certain things, and get help much earlier than I probably would if I thought, 'addiction and disease are simply labels for bad behaviors that shift the responsibility off of me.' In fact, I'm guessing taking that attitude would actually perpetuate denial and interfere with me changing the behavior, getting help, etc.